I was taking a nap on the futon my ex, Terri, gave me,
And was listening to my Nawang Khechog/Carlos Nakai Flute CD
I received a call
From my cousin Roberto Rodriquez.
When I picked up the phone,
Roberto immediately exclaimed,
"Your Uncle Sam just attempted suicide!"
"You need to get over here immediately, and try to convince him"
"Too cooperate with the staff!"
I was still feeling groggy from my nap,
But tried to respond to Roberto.
"What hospital is he in, Roberto?"
"St. Joseph's, Daniel," was the rapid response.
"The hospital where you were born."
"You need to get over here quick!"
"Your Uncle is out of control!"
"Oy vey," I thought as I put on my Chaco Sandals.
It was such a damn hot day....definitely evidence of Global Warming.
I took a Toasted Almond Coconut Sugar-Free Bhakti Chai out of the Fridge,
Walked down the stairs,
And headed towards Franklin Street and St. Joseph Hospital.
When I arrived at the Emergency Ward,
Who I thought I had seen do a Nude Photo Shoot in Oaxaca on 500px,
"Mr. Moskowitz!" she exclaimed.
"You need to try to get your Uncle Sam to stop using so many derogatory racial epithets!"
"He just swallowed a Whole Bottle of Viagra with Jack Daniels Whiskey,"
"And he's gonna' die if we don't pump his stomach!"
I tried to reason with my Uncle Sam.
"Can't you see that this lovely lady, Elsita,"
"Is trying to help you?"
"She's trying to save your life."
Uncle Sam sounded more like Yosemite Sam in his response.
"Tell that Brown-skinned bitch to hop back across the Rio Grande, Jewboy!"
I was shocked!
I had never heard language this vulgar or crude in a hospital!"
"For God's sake, Sam,"
"Try to cooperate."
"This is not an immigration issue."
"This is about your health."
Sam turned his attention to me.
"Oh, your Jewgod is a false god, Jewboy!"
"The only real god is Jesus Christ."
"That's why I buddied up with Netanyahu."
"To make room for the Savior."
This sort of blasphemy was too much for Elsita.
"How can this horrible man"
"Claim to know anything about theology?" she asked.
Sam's response was even more crude.
"Listen, you brownskinned bitches have been opening your legs"
"Ever since the first Europeans landed on these shores."
"That's why you're always getting raped!"
After my Uncle Sam uttered these incendiary remarks,
Two tough-looking Arab orderlies entered the room.
They both looked as if they had escaped from Guantanamo Bay!
"You're coming with us!" an especially mean-looking one named Abdul said.
I became extremely fearful for the well-being of my Uncle Sam!
What were these crazy Arab Guys gonna' do to him?!
"Sam is the only Uncle I have left since my uncles Isaac and Shea died."
"Please don't hurt him, Abdul!" I pleaded as tears escaped my eyes.
Mohammed told me the Truth.
"We're going to waterboard your Uncle Sam, Mr. Moskowitz."
"That's the only way we can get him to tell the truth."
"Why don't you write an email to your friend, Diana Yohannes?"
"Tell her what it's like down in Cherry Creek."
"Let the experts handle National Security Matters."
Abdul and Mohammed dragged Uncle Sam away screaming.
"You taco-eating vermin!"
"Get the hell out of here!" he screamed.
I was in a powerless position.
I put on my headphones,
And turned American Recordings by Johnny Cash
On my Mp3 Player.
"The Beast in Me"
"Is caged by frail and fragile bars."
"The Beast in me"
Of course, "The Beast in Me" is a famous song by Johnny Cash off his American Recordings CD.