Though I'm not in jail it all just feels the same
Waking up depressed told just not to complain
A shotgun to my head i feel like Curt Cobain
Not a literal sense, but the context sustains
I don't want money, success, not even some fame
I just want to learn to play this game
Each day it gets hard i just keep  breathing
Wondering how the **** this happened, it feels like treason
From a comical skeptic to a reliable source
I question the water that was gave to the horse
Viewed as a sinner but always in doubt
"Read from the scripture and figure it out"
Nightmares keeping me awake like a proxy
SO many bad thoughts I wish I could get off me
Do your 12 steps Bob, everything is kosher
Yet I wake every night screaming still sober
A stranger does the same, and everyone wants to know her
A technicality set, a glimpse for closure
Different from most but related to some
I feel alone but second to none
Shaking again always be the **** up
"drinkings a sin" Always press my luck up
Some things I will never understand
But if it doesn't change I will be ******

NOW LIFE’S GONNA BE DESPAIR
LIFE’S GONNA BE ****** AND FROZEN
LIFE’S GONNA NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN
LIKE I HAD WHEN I WAS YOUNG

‘CAUSE I REGRET THE DECISION I’VE MADE
‘CAUSE I BROKE THE BRIDGES I BUILT
‘CAUSE I LEFT THE ONES I LOVED
WHICH DESTROYED MY FUTURE
AND STAINED MY BLOOD

I’M NOT THE ONE I WAS
OR I ASSUMED ME TO BE
I CAN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
I’M SO SURE AND I GUARANTEE

‘CAUSE IT’S IN MY ROOTS, IT’S IN MY VEINS
IT’S IN MY BLOOD, IT’S IN MY BRAIN
TO BE CARELESS, TO BE RECKLESS
TO DESTROY EVERYTHING, TO FINISH MYSELF  

AND SO, I MISS MY BEST FRIEND I HAD
I MISS MY CHILDHOOD I PLAYED
I MISS THE FLASHBACKS I ADORE
WHEN LIFE WAS A PARTY TO BE THROWN
BUT THAT ALL WAS TWO YEARS BEFORE

decisions are based on forgetfulness
the agony of the sick child inside of me
i can't walk any further, i can't stay here
don't want to jump in front of an express train

the image of my little daughter is present
the way she utters the words "papa" and "hi"
papa is daddy in german, i want to live on
i want to die, i don't want to die in pity

dying an old man is better than suicide
the strings of despair are the strings of hope
route 36 / bolivia / white frost / toxic faces
glaciers of doubts / silverred bloodstream

my heart is beating on 888 beats per minute
battlerapping is a good weapon against depression
been writing against the opponent called myself
it is never about the others but about inner struggle

in long-term rehab, there are many psychologists,
speeding through the aisles of responsibility
around us are deep and darkgreen forests and hills
we are isolated from human civilization to heal

i fear the day of my return into the city of money and sins
the innocence of my two children is tattooed on my body
how could i **** their images by taking my own life?
right now, i am listening to the strings of despair and hope

by the end of the day, each letter will have become dust
a golden lion with a twinkling mane is protecting me
he is a disciple of god and thinks he is just a toy
god's power is greater than every single human act

nothingness was before him and he created nothingness

I toss and turn, lost,
Holding to darkness
as a comfort. Shut my eyes
as if sleep has me, but I don't rest.

These mornings I am sober but
out of my mind, for

I feel an old craving

to change what I am.
Stumble through,
Hesitate upon

On a train bound for Kentucky Bourbon
Sat a preacher, a ******, and a business man
The ****** on his way to see the sand
The preacher prepares for his next sermon

The young ****** approached the man in the suit
He said this may sound crazy, but you look just like my dad
The man asked him to take a seat and talk about his roots
Young ****** told his story, he wound up in many places he believed were good, but ended up bad

As the night progressed the two shard a coherent bond
While in the back the preacher continued praying
Hours later the ****** woke up to the business man, who was unable to respond
They soon arrived to the town and it began to pour down raining

The preacher walked past the business man and the ****** said "father aren't you going to bless this man"
The preacher took a step back as if the ****** had lost his mind
The ****** still confused as to why the preacher wanted to leave the man behind
The preacher said "Son, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but no one else was in the van"

The ****** saw the sign Sunnyside Rehabilitation Center and he knew the preacher was never a preacher, and the business man was never in the van

Here ye, Here ye
Somebody please hear me
My psych is drowning in these dark surroundings

I'm crying out for help
The state of my soul has not yet been felt
I need a way out
I am crying out loud

I cannot pull myself from this Dark place
I feel stuck in space
If I stay here it'll be the end of me
So I pray for somebody to hear me

I'm surrounded by people
but I dont hear a sound
I'm in a daze staring at the clouds
Crying lord I still have faith
but I need you to take this pain away

Rehab

Carpe Diem! Seize The Day!
Another serenity prayer to say
In a gloomy dark room I exist
I am sick of this monotonous ****!

Day in and day out
Another lesson sought out
Too much said to comprehend
Another sigh I'd like to lend

Here I sit among my peers
Feels like I've been here for years
We sit in a room filled to max capacity
I commend the counselors for their tenacity

Another nerve to poke
Another cigarette to smoke
Each day I ponder leaving A.M.A
But for my future I sit still and stay

I work where people yell at you, curse you
call you a *******

Many lie, cheat, steal, cry, fight, ****, manipulate and con.
Most are hateful and angry; argue everything.
Many are petty criminals
All or most are drunks or addicts
A lot are prostitutes
Some are politicians
Others poets
And Moms

They threaten
Complain
Can be self centered

But I'd have it no other way
These are my people
These people are me

God bless the drunks in all their stunning, brazen beauty
There is a raw honesty in a person with nothing to lose
That is one of the most beautiful things
I have ever seen

rehab
taught me how to think differently
it
didn't
teach me to think critically
only
poured on
new
dogma
better than the old dogma
but still dogma
is there such a thing as GOOD dogma?

All these beautiful trips,
With a suitcase filled with my sanity
On a trailer running on actual reality,
Sometimes I just wish
The people I care for from this world
Could maybe come and keep me company.
It gets lonely sometimes, but this trailer
Only has a single seat for the driver
Who is indeed, me.
People now worry,
But I can only take my foot off
The gas when I reach a place with no misery
In this very dimension we currently live in.
But how much longer will the drive
Take for my joy to no longer come to me naturally?
For now, it’s an endless trip,
Where pit stops are needed,
And sometimes they last a whole week.