I hear my father ****** my brother in the next room
Before he slits my mother's throat
Brother dearest already stabbed me prior to his death
Father simply ignores me and walks right out the door
He's gone to light the town with matches
While I cut myself into pieces
I leave littered on the floor

Why is it that I miss you so much lately,
You should be a forgotten memory.

I stare at your old parking spot...
                          How ironic it is that your old spot is his now,
                                    you share more than a name
                           Finding that out hit me like a brick,
                                    I don't think he could tell
I stare at my phone and will you to call,
Wouldn't care why, I'd pick up, say anything at all.
I stare at a screen, wrapped up in a blanket;
All alone watching your favorite movie over and over.
I stare at old photos on a Friday night,
Begging time to turn back, you here again with me.
I stare in the mirror, brokenly, at myself,
And wonder why I wasn't enough for you...
                               *Or anyone else.

broken
‘perhaps we are broken together’
what a lie
you tried to tell me
‘we can fix each other’
i’ll give
as much to say that’s true
but you didn’t follow through
you picked up pieces
glued them together
for what
to “fix” only yourself
all you did was shatter
all that you held
in your hands

broken
we are not broken together
we are broken apart
i tried to tell you
but you never cared to listen
you stole for yourself
you know this much is true
that  you are so hollow through and through
you broke me to pieces
i had finally glued together
for what
because i was nothing
although you once cared
[all that matters now is
nothing]

She was delicious
Something else
I never knew how girls could taste
She's still beautiful
Those moments we shared

She refuses to admit
Our chemistry
She's straight
I am too
But I'm not ashamed
Of the confusion
In our shared past

Not ashamed to admit
A girl was
My first,
Second, and
Third kiss

Red blemishes appear,
And they fester and burst.
Crawling fast, they tear.

No one screams.
No one remembers they hurt.

The skin turns dead --
Flesh black not red --
Bodies becoming dirt.

In the distance is heard
One last choke,
One last word,
Mumbled through the smoke.

Ash rains down.
In this blood they will drown.

And a small voice mutters
                                                 "don't".

insert bird poem

peck, peck, peck
on my face
on my neck

peck, peck, peck
at my feet
at my heart

feathers all around
crowding my vision
filling my lungs

drowning, crowded
by birds
beasts of the sky

pulling in
crouching to the ground
reaching my lowest means

then quiet
quiet
quiet

quiet as dark as the crowded noise
the crows
that have overwhelmed me

   -   -   -

softly, quietly
i am approached
i lift up my head

to be greeted
by a sole, gentle
dove ~

She can see something beautiful in everyone
        She reads more books than anyone else I know
She gives people presents '"just because," even though she can't afford it
        She has a cute accent that's stronger when she's upset or tired
She would travel around the world for someone she cares about
        She never forgets those who are kind to her
She always smells really good
        She is always honest
She likes to sleep under the stars -- literally
        She fights for what she believes in, loyal as hell

I know a girl
Who sits behind a computer screen
Wondering if she's worth something

I know a girl
Who stares into space trying to think of reasons
Why people should care if she fades like the seasons

I know a girl
Who is broken more than she can comprehend
Who cuts and scars more when she tries to mend


I am a girl
Who could just cry -- I could just cry
When I see that maybe my words matter
Maybe there are people who like what I write

Why do they distract me so?
One object makes me stare.
I'd decided to walk away from that ridiculous fantasy...
But that dream? What was that?
I'm not sure what way it swayed me last night,
But today, that change,
I just couldn't look away...

I am the new Icarus
I am the naive youth
Believing in vain
That heading old advice
Is a waste of time

I broke my heart,
But you broke my mind.
And he broke my body
Just a little at a time.

Don't shed me no tears
When I'm not alive.
Cry for me now
Not when I've died.

Pretty little poison
With no parachute.
Free fall hungry,
With nothing to lose.

The Earth can't hurt me
If we never meet again.
One little tragedy,
A means to an end.

Do you know what today is?
     Today is the two year anniversary
          Of when I began to confide in you
               On a late night drive back from Barnes & Noble
                    You wanted to buy me dinner
                         So by the light of your dashboard
                              I was forced to explain --
                                   I chose to tell you --
                                        That I had a problem and couldn't eat
                                             And you told me that I'd be okay
                                                  Which I later was
                                                       Up until the day you cut me out

Tell me again how I'm fat
Tell me again how I'm a *****
Tell me again how I'm an idiot
Tell me again how I'm scarred and marked
Tell me again how I'm useless

                                         I'm fast approaching 90 pounds
                                         I'm one mistake from a ******
                                         I'm in NHS and my GPA is high
                                         I'm a warrior wounded
                                         I'm a support-group leader

Tell me again,
     because I already tell myself.
I'm so used to hearing lies,
      I'll believe them anyway.

being so near to you
i can sense how close you are
with every fiber of my being
     but i am frozen
i try to move against my pain
and reach out to you
to just step across the stream
     but i am frozen
beneath the surface
a river courses through my veins
begging for you, pleading
     but i am frozen
now i have so many dams
made of sharp ice
though naturally i flow freely
     but i am frozen
i want to be with you
i want to be in your arms
*i want to be thawed
     but i am frozen~

I want to hold onto you, smile at you

But I don't know how

So I cling to him, familiarity

The unknown intimidates me

But I want you to know

I want *you

don't worry baby it was just a game just a game i know how much you like those i know how much you like the pain and the tragedy and the mother ******* insanity why else would you talk to yourself so much why else would you **** everyone else as often as you **** yourself we know you're self aware don't play stupid even though you really are stupid if this is the game you choose rattling pills like dice hoping at least one of us will be nice but sorry sweetheart that's not how it's played no one loves you that's why none of them have ******* stayed but don't worry at least you have the voices in you head for ******* company i know playing the game is no fun when your alone so just keep tally until we're done and don't worry i won't tell any of them how much of you is really real and how much is pitch black sin you paint brightly to conceal baby don't cry when i'm here just because you want to die if you hate me so much then why don't you ever leave if you hate me so much then why do you garden with me if you hate me so much then why give me ******* roses you know i pluck the petals and watch them decompose baby why play the game if you can't stand to loose you don't have to stomach it if you choke yourself on ***** but that's never been you that's not the ******* good **** that you crave but drink it any way and choose any bottle for the chase baby it's so funny how sad you pretend to be when we both know the scary part is you don't feel a **** thing so let me help you remember how deep the losses can go baby just remember not to let them show

The bite was probably the worst part
                      It rained everyday I thought about you
                      And poured everyday I tried not to
I ran for miles hoping to get close enough to see you
But you had left weeks prior
                      I couldn't scale even your shortest wall
                      Because there were already too many trying to climb it
                      So I've been waiting outside your door
                      Hoping you might remember your promise
                 And let me in
           Before another snake tastes my heel
     While I wait beyond your towering walls
Watching all the other girls you push fall

I have a flower
Blooming
It started blue
But as it grows
It's petals are yellow
Brightly framing
The purple
And pink core

The gardener
He planted it there
On my thigh

Get me out
Get me out
Get me the **** out
Of this mental breakdown house

Get me out
Get me out
Get me the **** out
Of this I can hate you more estate

Get me out
Get me out
Get me the **** out
Of this micromanagement apartment

Get me out
Get me out
Get me the **** out
Of this puppet show palace

Fingers slide down your throat
It's hard to forget, as you choke
Every bite you took today
Stupid girl, disgusting shape

Watch it come back one by one
Tasting it twice is half the fun
See the colors mix and swirl
Till your marker appears in the bowl

Wash your face, wipe your mouth
Now that you're sure it's all out
Look your reflection in the eye
Smile, like you don't want it to die

You love her
You still love her
I don't know how I forgot
That she was always everything
You were looking for
I was never
Enough

I want to stand behind you and
     press myself up against you.
I want to gently nip at your ear.
I want to wrap my arms around you,
     and trace my fingers over the arch of your eyebrows
     and down your cheek.
I want to outline your lips with my finger tips
     and to bring them down your neck, slowly.
I want to trace your clavicle and run my hands over your torso,
     producing all kinds of friction.
I want my hands to find your hips
     and work my fingers under the waistband of your jeans.
I want to keep you close to me,
     keep myself pressed up against you.
I want to kiss, lick, and bite
     at your neck and shoulder.
I want to make you moan.
I want to have a moment like that,
     and I want to make it last.

This is me
falling apart
on my bathroom floor,
bleeding and lost,
**** razor
left me sore.

I hope that you understand
the power
I've given you.

My love
is a weapon
in your hands,
if you're cruel.

I'm held together
by tape,
shallow optimism,
and hope;
by the faint memories
of better days.

Please,
for now,
just give me
your hand.

You don't have to
help me up,
just let me hold it
for a while.

Oh Heaven, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I want to be a writer, maybe a poet, for the rest of my life.
God forbid,
I love her, though it's forbidden I dream of her again.
God forbid,
I grow up different than you had planned for us.

Oh Hell, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I live your religion better than you and your illusions.
God forbid,
I walk through the door and plead for peace, just once.
God forbid,
I draw another "dark" sketch and tape it to your mirror.

Oh Help, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I wear a skirt or shorts or skinny jeans and people see.
God forbid,
I remember all your transgressions and don't let them go.
God forbid,
I stop pretending and show you the psychopath you've made.

But you will never be able to give me help,
that would mean pointing fingers at yourself.
God forbid that I've ****** up my life like you did yours.

Sometimes,
I
Just
Wonder,
Where
Exactly
Did
I
Go
Wrong?