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Meadow Sep 4
Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Cradling beliefs with no foundation in reality.
Alone in a mind of oil
Staining all who brave my touch

Familiar faces soaked in anxiety
They stare with memories I long to forget

These glossy eyes that fear closing... moving.... shifting.... seeing...
Worlds will fall
Perceptions will alter

These words are caught in my throat
Festering

How do I say hello?
How do I keep the conversation going? Are they staring at me because they know I'm not normal. Can they see my disfigured soul hiding beneath this skin?
This deformed skin....
Do they notice that I am an imposter?
Do they see how I react alien to how they do? How I second guess each expression.

Words fall from my eyes without allowance.
The connection isn't there.

I Stare down
I drown them with every glance.
Words falling.
Flooding.
Making oceans of unspoken phrases.
Needs.
They breathe me in.
All the words I've never spoken.

They drown in my illusions.
And run away like mad men.
To a world I cant seem to be a part of.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Oil drowns me, and dilutes my words.
Taking away who I am.
My words are my life.
But I cannot speak them.

No one will ever know.
And I will never tell them.
I am Drowning in illness.
________
An older poem I never posted.
After 2 years of therapy, I finally feel like I'm past this. I'm in a place I NEVER thought i could be at  and I am learning to love my life, myself, and others better.
Eye contact is not an option
I can’t hold a conversation
It’s basically impossible
Fitting in is not my forte
I can’t even explain
What it feels like
To NOT be able to talk
Even when you really want to
Even after hours of mental preparation
Nothing comes out
Not even a squeak
Social anxiety kinda *****
Sorry, my poetry has gotten extremely sloppy. And I’ve been facing MAJOR writers block. Any suggestions on how to get over this??
S O C I A L

A   N X     I E           T               Y
A "poem" every day.
Open your mouth, open your mouth
Say something out loud
Speak for others to hear you
But don’t be too quiet

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Speak, speak, speak
My mouth will not move
You’ll have to do it for me

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Stop, stop, stop
I’m too quiet
And I fear
The people in the crowd
"I hate crowds. They're too loud and they have too many eyes. Nasty creatures they are."
Lost Jun 2
At my brother’s
Graduation party
And they all know
What I did
Three months ago

They try to talk to me
But give up eventually
Because all I have to share
Is how is continually fail

“How’s school?”
“Not great, but that’s okay.”
Inside I know I flunked the semester
And didn’t bother to check my grades

“Where are you living?”
“At my mom’s still.”
“Oh, that’s great!”
Little do they know
I’m moving away
To live with a man
I know they all hate

Sneaking away from the crowd
To smoke cigarettes behind my car
This is the only time I’ve felt
Safe and comfortable so far

No more lies
No more “I’m doing well”
Just alone with my poetry
Alone with myself

Three months ago
I thought of them
Before I swallowed those pills
And tried to leave them

I knew they’d be sad
But I knew they’d move on
Nobody cares
About a no one
Nobody at family gatherings has ever really cared to talk to me beyond the polite surface questions besides a handful of family members who handle socializing better than me and are busy talking to other people. Since I tried to commit suicide, I feel like the judgement I felt before has deeply intensified. I didn’t like family gatherings before, and I definitely don’t now. It’s draining, fake, and isolating. I’d much rather spend time with people who aren’t secretly scrutinizing me. Don’t get me wrong, I love most of my family, but I guess family gatherings just aren’t my thing. If you really care, you’d bother to spend time with me or talk to me outside of these gatherings. That’s how I can separate those who actually give a **** versus those who don’t. I am grateful for the ones who do care and who have checked in on me or touched base with me since my attempt. It made it much clearer to me who really cares. My cousins, grandparents, and great uncle are the only ones I feel like I’d really be able to depend on, but I still feel so estranged from them. I don’t know what my problem is. I wish I could just open up to them.
Deanna Dellia Apr 28
You watch me dance 
sexualizing my every move 
fantasizing 
thinking that 
I’m shaking for you 
to get you to notice me 
You think I must want you 
the way you want me 
But I’m just trying 
to shake this devil 
off of my back 
The one that comes around 
when I have to be around others 
around people like you 
The devil that has me 
searching for the right thing to say 
at the bottom of the glass 
My holy water replacement 
The devil that shoots panic through my veins 
and sets my blood on fire 
My body can’t stop moving 
because it rejects interaction 
It is being tormented 
by my tormenting thoughts 
The air perishes 
and I’m being dragged to hell again 
Why is something 
that seems so seamless
for everyone else 
so strenuous for me? 

- Social Anxiety
Luna Apr 9
funny how one chord
can say so much
while i
can’t say anything
When I'm sad, mournful piano music soothes me. I wish I could play.
Sunny Apr 3
Exhale.
Open my eyes.
Before them, I don my disguise.
A false image of myself.

I don't speak a word.
What comes out is too quiet, after all.
Inaudible amid the voices in my head.
Telling me I'm not good enough for anything.

Doubt plagues my mind as I
Succumb to the lies I tell myself
Somehow, I listen to those words.
The voices grow louder day by day.

Chatter fills the room.
I stand there, lost in the center of it all.
I try my best to approach someone.
Freeze.

Their expectations are probably shattered.
I know they're thinking I'm pathetic.
Why can't I just open my mouth?
It's getting harder to breathe.
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