My past year
I have spent
Fading
From Green
To Purple
From Purple
To Black
And I think
It's about time
I just stick
To one colour

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

I stare up at the clouds and wonder what you would see
           if you were still looking up with me
I imagine you're looking down now, down at earth, at me
I wonder what your laugh would sound like, grown up
My heart is trying so hard not to break every time I think
           of your sweet smile and the rest of my body shakes
The tears don't come any more, not that I was ever one to cry

When night falls
            and I see the stars, I look at my wrist and recall how
            I had to compose my self enough to tell the artist how
            to spell your name
When night falls
            the moon is still enough to light up my arm so that
            I can trace the script with my fingertips
When night falls
            I can't do anything but quietly whisper *"I'm sorry."

            **I don't know why I'm the miracle and you're the memory

Why do I turn to him when I feel alone
How horrible am I to use him
In the ways I was used

I show up at his door, torment him with my act
Turn us into an addictive freak show
Do anything he wants

Just don't touch me and we can be a puppet show
Move fluid, move mechanical
Devoid of emotion

~Christopher McCandless**

My happiness is so temporary
I wish I had someone to share it with
        But
He (1) doesn't love me
  He (2) just wants to **** me
She (A) thinks I'm crazy
  She (B [& C]) believes I'm innocent
And he (3) has had enough

So I'm all alone
Feeling happy
But lacking love

I hate the word love
I hate how it's used
Tied to lust
Tied to abuse

I hate the word love
I hate how it's used
Tied to pain
Tied to you

i thought about you again today.
yes, in that way.
its impossible to forget you it seems.
was it me,
was it it you?
is it crazy to
think one day you might love me?
i am alone again,
two am,
and you promised to always be there.
i am insane,
and in pain.
i just wish you,
i just wish for you.
you would always give the best advice,
about everything in my life.
i just cant seem to push
my memories of you
away,
at least not today.
and i wonder did you maybe
think about me today?
yes, in that way...

Have you ever lied awake
thinking about someone until you cried?
     Not because you were sad
     but because your eyes were so tired?
Have you ever traced your hands
over yourself wishing it was someone else?
     Not always dirtily, mostly just
     longing for their company?
Have you ever thrown away
promise and possibility?
     Not because you didn't trust,
     but because you didn't know how to?

Forget medication
Forget alcohol
Forget cigarettes
Music is enough
To make me remember
To help me forget

as realization hits
i am gone
drifting away
to that terrible place
where i've begun to feel at home

i thought we were
on the same page
now i see my heart
has been playing tricks on me

ignorance was bliss
now i'm well aware of it

never have you ever
been anyone's everything
i say quietly to myself
never will anyone ever love you more
there will always be a her

always second best
never good enough
never her

Bleed in to me
If I cut myself open and peal back the layers
Will you come inside
Can I fold you into me

now would be a great time to be here for me

i can't breathe
     i'm shaking
     i can't reach calm
     i'm all thoughts
     happening at the same time

i drew blood and i didn't want to

i'm usually okay
     if i find a distraction
     someone to make me forget the pain
     people say they'll be there
     but no one actually cares
     so i'm left alone

but when i'm alone too long
     i only inflict more pain as my rage grows
     no not rage
     numbness

numbness is all i feel

so i bring on the pain in hopes to feel real
     but it never really works
     never works only hurts

and when i feel this much hurt i get scared
     i don't know where to go

i just need you to hold me and tell me

to forget my mother
     forget my father
     forget my brother

forget my supposed friends who don't care
     don't know what it's like to be pushed this far

forget all the men in my life
     who like to shove me
     push me down
     and lean onto me
     lie on top of me
     to remind me how ******* powerless i am

forget my thoughts and my scars

because you are with me and all that matters
     is you'll never let me go

now would be a great time to be here for me

here’s to new beginnings
to old endings
to quiet whispers

here’s to being happy
to tears of joy
to crazy laughter

here’s to today
to days past
to days to come

here’s to you
to me
to us

He's a freshman.

Does that make me a pervert?
A junior would be fine,
A sophomore isn't too bad;

But he's a freshman.

If I was a guy and he were a girl,
     Would I feel less weird?
Am I a cougar?
Because I'm a senior, and

He's a freshman.

the eyes.
it's always the eyes that get me.
and i stopped seeing yours --
looking into those pools of blue...
trying to figure you out,
even though i already knew.
you've moved away,
though i suppose i've moved too.
i just didn't quite realize
how much of my muse
was you.

I've been hit,
I've been grabbed.
I've been pinned down,
I've been forced.

But wanting you
And living in fear,
Compared to the acts themselves,
This almost feels worse.

receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat

your mind we melt
your soul we steal
so numb and clueless
that nothing feels real

watch your sense of self conform
everyone is desperate to fit the norm
lie to each other, say we're unique
just trying to be similarly separate
strive to be the same without anyone knowing
lie and claim do we
I am special, I am one of a kind
but we are a race occupied
with wasting space, with wasting lives
letting ourselves, our dreams, our relationships
lay to rot in waste and die

be unique
strive for independence
when all we ever shall do is:

receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat

When I look out and see the Boston skyline

I whisper like you're still here next to me
     I whisper like you can here me
          I whisper like you never left
               I whisper like I'll be okay
                    I whisper like it won't bring a tear

And sometimes you whisper back.

the feel of him
toxic
intoxicating
makes me ache

the taste of him
delicious
addictive
can't complain

Don't talk back to me
Don't talk to him
Too much time with your friends
I need you now
Stay on the ground
Dress for me and me alone
Cover up outside
Come over
I am your home now
Don't question me
You need to learn your place
Don't leave me
You're all I have
You're all mine
Shut up and sit down
The hits
Accompanied by a kiss
How could you ever leave
Don't you think it's bittersweet
I will *******
I need you
I can't look at you
I love you
Can't you tell

I'm on fire
I'm burning and boiling
Melting apart piece by piece
My feet sink into the floor and I'm sweating off finger tips and teeth
I'm drowning in hellfire
Gulping down molten slush
That is somehow cooler to my touch
I'm all dried up and a puddle simultaneously
Scoop me up and drink

How do you do it?
How do you forget, move on?
How to you forget spending so many sunrises with a person?
A person who forced you out of your shell?
A person who, first the first time in four years, seemed like they
    actually cared?
A person who for once made you feel like you could amount to
    something?
Like you didn't have to force yourself into this cookiecutter image?
How do you forget someone who would talk to you untill 2, 3, 4
    every night?
How do you forget the soft, warmness of their sweatpants when
    you were freezing?
Someone who would drive out in the middle of the night just to
    see you?
How do you forget the first person to actually chase you down and
    wrap themselves around you until your wrist stopped bleeding?

There is nothing to do here
But dress in black
Black and leather
And walk around in the dark
Bumming cigarettes and love
Off of people
You pretend not to know