Winter nights bring waves of memories
Alone with my thoughts
He said he is sorry and misses me bad
Words tie perception into confused knots

Truly wish I had nimble fingers
To untie them, see clear
Cursing as truth untangles
Weaves a portrait of all I fear

There is always a catch, a hamartia
A flaw in every human's design
As clique as this next line may be
Love can be cruel, so unfairly blind

I try to avoid reminiscing over the past
Though the memories were so precious before
Shaking hands with no control cling still
Just when I think my mind is free my heart offers more

Many of the rumors about me are true
My insecurities reflect the past
Cards that I discarded weren't all that bad
Metaphorically folded too fast

You can assume whatever you want
Could imagine a million possibilities
In a lot of them you are probably right
I just feel I am viewed as a person diseased

It's only natural to judge in haste
I try to change their impression
I struggle with tired stereotypes
Hope those I love can see my intentions

My eyes betray sad stories
Vaguely told in shades of brown
And all throughout mistakes are woven
Punctuated by tears leaking down

I was a loser for awhile
A burden who offered less than nothing
Let my issues get the best of me
Friends have tried to give guidance
Wasn't ready to accept advice, kept ducking

Immature approach to solving problems
***** a wall to guard my heart
Let my issues get the best of
Embrace sin when life falls apart


Find it amusing when hypocrites whisper
With each passing day grow stronger
It was difficult at recovery's start
To be judged a person I wasn't any longer

Rambunctious thoughts, undeserving of birth,
Blotted onto the screen,
Uncontrollably checking scarce notifications,
He is not worth my impatient routine.

Will not let you implant in my head
Totally broken-up yet well-meant perspectives,
I wrote a letter but lacked the courage
To read with proper affective.

All I need is opportunity,
Inside me feelings brew and fester,
Mind is slowly poisoned,
I felt obsession pester.

Find reasons in overanalyzed words,
Left with echoes of the past,
Wolves begin to howl regretfully,
Our feral emotions somehow amassed.

Carrying a thousand mistakes in my arms
Thoughts weighed down by words and worry
In my mind rolling back and forth
Judgement making vision blurry

Surrounding area fades into the background
I watch anything but you
We each play with the other's feelings
A foolish game we both are used to

All my stress becomes complicated
Stretch my patience until barely there
Give myself another headache
Wasting peace on you, I stare

Friend? Foe? Not sure anymore
In your eyes darkness is rising
Love you no matter what shape you form
Any secret identity you may be disguising

I take your hidden baggage
All that I will never see
Welcome confidential cargo onboard
I will accept you for you if you accept me for me

That night you first kissed me
Was scared to say how much you meant
I had never met a guy as special as you
Eight years ago I already knew you'd leave a dent

Guilty of letting myself fall too hard
Filled with determined hope
Had never experienced real bliss before
Happy ending dangling from a reachable rope

Was young, silly enough to believe
A little attention made me pretty special
Eyes held promise and longing
No longer alone, with the devil

Together drowned in forever feelings
Underneath bright hallway lights
Vivid memory impossible to undo
I will not forget that exhilarating night

Bruises on our broken hearts
Never completely go away
I do not know when we will start to heal
Days seem neverending, the sky is always grey

I will never again view things the same
Cradle me in stories one last time
Let me curl up, build a home in your arms
Savor your presence as it's only mine

Your edges do not match mine anymore
Losing sleep to make shapes fit
Trying to force puzzle pieces in place
Never thought I would be here salvaging this

You may not be prepared to end this just yet
Accept more minutes in time will not repair
Realize at this point in our story
Love is a word we used to share

You have been my closest friend from the day you were born
Back when you were just a tiny puppy
I promise to always protect and provide
As much love as you have given me

Will I ever be able to move forward?
Space grows more and more,
How can I accept that things
Cannot be as happy as before?

I adore the familiar memories
With greater depth than what's in front of me,
I cannot stop being in love with you
Though being around you stopped being easy.

When we are smiling life is simple,
We buzz with passion and energy,
When things become rough we start shedding blood
From wounds no other person can see.

We are in this hopeless place,
Light is fading with our contentment
We cannot conceal true feelings any longer,
Faces have betrayed inner resentment.

The battle has left our hearts scarred,
Constant war neither can win,
Always felt like I had no choice,
Our house a combat zone I'm fighting in.

Concrete beneath us cracking,
Inching us towards despair,
As words left unspoken crackle
Like fireworks in tense air.

Shield myself the best I can,
Buried under plans lost,
Thick oxygen too toxic to breathe,
My lungs seep red, I cough.

Forty ropes keeping me back,
I lack the tools to cut,
Blade of bravery long since broken,
That's the reason I stay in my rut.

I'm tired yet I incur no change,
I obey this overplayed routine,
Turn on the faucet, I cannot do it myself,
So I can wash my hands of you and be clean.

Hard to leave you behind completely,
You make it impossible to take the first step,
My veins flow with love only for you,
I will go far from here but never forget.

For every night spent wide awake
Crying, tossing, and turning because of you
For every time you decieved me
Tore my heart in two.

For making me participate in your game
And stringing my innocent self along
Until I was certain that lonely place
Was exactly where I belonged.

For every "I love you" I believed
Every other sweet word you said
For each compliment you truly meant
Every night spent in your bed.

For every last broken promise
For abusing my heart day after day
I am writing this to you for the love I wasted
For ******* me up in so many irreversible ways.

Choked back sobs this morning
Told you how I felt
How happy I sensed we could be
You could not feel my words melt

Speeding down my mouth, fragile sounds
Through the phone, nowhere to go
Regret hanging over the shallow line
Vivid memories draped in voices known

Keeping calm yet magnetized
Love immense but difficult to hold
Perfect coincedences forced together
We clicked, now disaster unfolds

An easy connect-the-dots picture
Even in our most trying parts
Direct and to-the-point with problems
So vague and uncertain when it came to our hearts

Unyielding respect given freely to you
My mind is still treated with none
Seems the universe decided
You were the more deserving one

At least that is what it looks like
Life plays clear favorites, unaware
Reasons behind actions hard to explain
No such thing as "just", "right", or "fair"

Love enjoys teaching lessons
Family and friends used as tools
Whether we choose to lose or gain
Is how to tell who among us are fools

All these painful mistakes I ponder
Have shown how beautiful Earth is
Intoxicated, only have oxygen collected
Found a breathless high in natural hits

Do you comprehend what I am saying?
Pushing away with lies
Easily hurt by careless deceit
Stop torturing with your eyes

Stop using me like a pawn
Done getting my heart broken
I trusted you and you watched me drown
Let me fall into your stormy ocean

How can I feel alone with you right by my side?
I am at war with these feelings I hide,
You try so hard, always lend a helping hand,
But when it comes to my soul I fear you don't understand,
I wish you had a mind that worked like mine,
Anxious and uncertain all of the time,
And emotions that constantly go up and down,
With ideas incessantly spinning like a merry-go-round,
Or maybe I just want you to get why
I am easily upset and often cry,
When you tell me I'm crazy that word cuts through my skin,
You of all people should be aware of the chaos within,
But instead I feel in my body there must be something wrong,
Around you I feel like my inner thoughts do not belong,
I know there is no reason for my steadily shifting mood,
But knowing that still does not better my attitude,
I can tell you love and care for me so very much,
But lately I wonder if that is enough,
I find myself trying to be someone different for you,
So we can be happy and not break in two,
But I'm starting to realize and accept
I'll always be like this; insecure, ******-up, a total wreck,
Its not fair to you when you give all you have,
To give up on evolving and only put in half,
You deserve more than what I can offer,
Someone who will aid you to thrive and prosper,
It's clear to see I am holding you back,
A distraction somehow guiding you off-track,
Taking up too much of your time and energy,
Yet when I tell you to go, you say you only want me,
Why is that when I am bitter and cold?
You could find a far warmer hand to hold,
I want you to love me for not despite
My endless flaws that cause us to fight,
I wish I loved you enough to let you go,
It would hurt me but it would be what's best I know,
I am too selfish to say goodbye and depart,
So I continue to break both our hearts,
In hope that your love will make me whole,
Fill up and repair this gaping hole,
I lie not only to you but to myself,
Inside I sense we are too damaged to be helped,
So we live every day with a smile on our faces,
We follow our routine, go the usual places,
But something is off, engraved in each bone,
You're right here so why do I still feel alone?

When will you learn
The difference between loving
And being in love?

You are one of the most amazing guys I've ever met
I love the little thoughts of you planted inside my head
Now you are the air I depend upon to breathe
My feelings have grown and multiplied like weeds

Maybe our relationship would have been better
If you had gone down to Idaho
Maybe you would not have changed into
This person I barely know

Maybe you would have been different inside
Willing to put up with me
Not this guy who is trying to mold
Me into the shape he wants me to be

Maybe you would still be madly in love
Maybe you would not have left me alone
Maybe you would still feel how
You did when you surprised me with that phone

You stayed, and this is how it worked out
This is the price I pay for needing you
I got exactly what I wished for but
Now I wish it hadn't come true

I know you're colder
Than ice because around you
I feel numb inside

There is one lesson you taught me
Sticks out more than the rest
And that is to love myself at my worst
Not only when I am my best

I'm falling, feeling, spinning,
Just out of arm's reach,
The sharp abyss seems to muffle
My frightened dismal screech.

Don't jump down for me,
I am not worthy to save,
For what else is as shallow
As my predestined grave?

Don't present me with a chance,
It is almost too late,
Please leave me with my thoughts,
I can handle fate.

Don't even try to fix me,
I am not worth your time,
The pit I am descending is
A long way back up to climb.

Intensity for you wavers not
Your lips pure *******
Love stronger than the drugs
Coursing through my shallow veins

I am searching for a way to repair
That will stop gnawing emptiness
I swear there's no fairness in this world
I am waiting, I only see less and less

Contentment is clearly decreasing
Do not know where it keeps on running to
Am tracking with the tools I have
Navigation here is hard to do

Thoughts and devoted feelings intersect
Wish my mind was a blank slate
Yearn to eject unsavory parts
Pull out of this unhealthy state

I will be addicted to you for life
Inhale the smoke that makes up who you are
Sweet smell of nostalgia and lost intimacy
I face the pain of another scar

Terrible remains will be all that is left
Part of me forever gone and departed
Human weakness flows through my blood
You are a drug I wish I had never started

Part of myself died
This much I know is true
It's the piece of me I gave up
Attempting to save what was left of you

Too sudden. Too real. Too much.
Too soon to fail and lose it all,
Too late to wake up and realize
I'm about to hit the wall.

Breath is coming quicker,
Lungs are caving in,
Maybe it's the heartache
This sinking room is drowning in.

Truth is dawning on me,
Desperate words crawl out my throat,
Pleas are a rocking ocean,
I'm trying to stay afloat.

I did not know that anything
Hurt this much and now,
Need a way to get you back,
I just don't know how.

I am scared you're gone for good
Because you say what you mean,
Two days have come and passed,
I still have not woken up from this dream.

Some things I cannot get over
I think I have finally had enough
Cruel time crawls steadily forward
Try to take a step but I am stuck

Know it will be worth it
Pain that comes with change
Happiness can be attained if I
Let go of fear, turn the page

Tears dripping down my chin
Water collecting in deep lines
Beginning to feel insecure again
Painted mind should see silken signs

Circular thoughts of sadness and shame
Pool into large puddles of self-loathing
Pondered epiphanies spill out of my head
You stand by, watch them stain clothing

I am on my hands and aching knees
Sorrow outweighing endurance and bliss
My existence is heavier
Each moment feel less and less

Golden guesses and hypotheses are yours
The ambition is gone from my soul
Expand the horizons of written thoughts
After self-acceptance so I can be whole

Sit there fumbling for the right words to say
Your freshly worried face in my sight
Self-hatred forcing us to drift further from happiness
You win with passion, fight with kisses every night