Heartbeat in my stomach,
Maybe I should go running.
I need to relieve this feeling.
The feeling that you give me.
I can't tell if it's love or anxiety.
I hate the thoughts I'm receiving.
You don't hate me.
But you don't love me either.
I understand now.

When you say my name that way,
and I can hear it in your voice...
that your smiling, it makes me smile too.
I love smiling with you you.

It's so hot in here,
*is it because of you?

I breathe it in from the end
Of this balloon that I'm holding
and blow it back in
I keep inhaling,
I'm finally doing it.
I'm getting out.
No more worries;
No more doubts
Because now my lungs are helium doused .

The sound drowns out
You're mind fills with doubt.
You've been living in bed lately.
Did you really think you could act sanely?
People can see that you're sad.
They can tell as you walk past them.
Your eyes are in a depressed state.
Have they not yet realised their fate?
You somehow stay calm as you say,
We'll all die someday. so silently.
I wonder if you're really there anymore.
So long ago, you shut that door.
The door that kept me inside.
But Just know, I'm still alive.
Your happiness is in here.
You just have to find me.
Don't let the sadness devour us.
Please, you're not Hell Bound,
You're just stuck inside of the sound.
The sounds of the past.
But listen, it doesn't last.
I believe that you will succeed.
Just trust in me.
Find me.
We can be happy, again.

My fingers touch the strings
everything's connecting
we're not strangers..

I really dislike these changes you've made,
while some are okay
others have ruined my day.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror
while in tears, you're telling yourself repeatedly:
just hang on, one more day, hour, minute, second..
but you feel and look so helpless..?

Everyone loves her,
Her actions and her words.
She's "Little miss popular"
Just because her tongue never slurs.

She's intimidating, and rude too.
She thinks she's incomparable,
Although she has a lot of things she needs to improve.
Her friends laugh at every word she says,

But I think the only reason they smile, is because they're afraid.

Stab me. Do it again.
I'm so tired of living in this place where people bend what's already broken trying so hard to fix it but only to make it worsen it's so funny how hard this **** is; after being brought into a world you can't say no to you're forced to go on living in it only to wait for it to end and sure you'll have good experiences mixed in with the bad; and happiness mixed in with the sad too and heaven forbid you try to exit because apparently that is cowardly; wrong in the end most are too scared to even attempt... It's just funny.

Everything is connected,
I feel like a volcano that has been dormant
but want to release all of my tension.
I want to show you my emotions;

So you can see I'm not a doormat,
I just keep my feelings below the surface,
It's resulted in my body doing the same
Which is why I'm in constant pain.

My trauma has created tunnels of magma,
I can't tell where they end or begin
It's frightening and leaves me upset,
There's no one I can share this with.

I hope for one day to lay out my feelings,
Let everything flow;
Like tears, they'll roll out of me
Covering everyone I've allowed to see

Then will come the tricky thing,
to never bottle anything again.
I don't want to reap havoc on them,
I want to stay empty and peaceful

To know where I end and begin,
It would solve something, wouldn't it?
But I feel like a volcano.
Physically and within.

Hit me again.*
You say it's a punishment.
You told me it's a learning process.
You act like it's the way to learn;
That you've done wrong.
So if I hit you back this time,
Will you realise what you've done?

That night I snuck out to get high
but I was only trying to invite some
new feelings inside to feel something
instead of being so empty all the time.

My home is not where I live
it's inside somewhere vivid
where I truly feel like myself
and I miss it every single day.
The place where Jellyfish play
they're not just afloat, they sway
and for some unknown reason
they make me feel beautifully happy.
**I miss them.

I don't want to be helpess anymore,
It was easier, I'll no longer ignore-
How I always asked your thoughts,
How I vented and never stopped.

The things I regret now feel more real,
I wish we just could've hung out;
Been normal friends,
but I was afraid to be myself.

I learned to stay down and not get up,
I'd pace my room in fantasies
Until I learned to que up
Validation felt like a drug

But now what I regret most
Is not giving you a hug,
Spilling my every thought,
And betraying you

Now you're gone

How dare you.
How, DARE, you.
Try to talk to me...
as if you don't remember anything.

I trusted you back then
when I needed a friend,
you were nothing of the sort!
You were the opposite.

I try my best, I try really hard
to leave grudges in my past...
but I have a dreaded feeling
that this grudge for you, may last.

Pretending to be there for me,
patting my back so comfortingly.
When really all you were doing
was luring me in.

Down to last second.
Before I was faint,
I swear I remember
the smile on your face.

I can't stand it.
How easily you decided my fate.
How do ******* live with yourself?
You make me feel things I can't bare to say.

So often these days, I find it hard not to cry as time passes.
I look at the clock and wonder how far I'll actually make it.
I tell myself "when I move out I'll be happier...
I won't wake up like this anymore."
but at the end of the day I lay in bed filled with fear,
that I won't know how to be anymore.

Curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor I never could've imagined myself putting on such a per-form-ance.
Tears smothering my face as I hide it beneath my own hands I'm blinded, no one truly will ever understand my feelings and that kills me for some unpleasant reason to be understood is what I'm needing.
Tell me why are we humans so arrogant and selfish at times? In the end we all do what we truly want there is no one out there who surrenders for love not even the most dedicated of love birds would do such an exquisite task. Because truthfully we're all wearing a mask.
*or at least that's what we want you to believe.

Sometimes I leave my computer on
when I'm trying to fall asleep at night...
it used to bother me greatly,
but now it just reminds me of when you were here.

I try to come down
when's he's not around, or sleeping.
I tried telling you once
and you said to just keep bleeding.

You don't understand or want to know
about how my wounds have deepened
I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded street, screaming.
You wouldn't know about that feeling.

How I've wanted to jump off, into the deep end.
You lack the care that I so desperately want.
It often feels like you're just throwing out taunts.
Why do things have to be this way?

I wish you'd all just go away
leave me alone- at least today.
I'm sick of you always telling
me what to do -especially you-
of all people.

You're so hypocritical.

The screen in my window is partially torn
one half is fully attatched while the other..
is caught in the wind that is slowly pulling
it along, waiting for it to let go and flow as
gracefully as the newly falling snow

But I am the other half, holding on for my
life because I'm afraid of heights that the
wind will lift me up to..

The glass that I am protecting is already
broken, so why shouldn't I let go?


                      Don't.


*N
     o
    w

  I
'
   m

        f
          a
            l
              l
          ­      i
              n
            g
          .
        .

I still can't talk about you in therapy
I hyperventilate, and it scares me.
I don't understand how us affects me
I always saw you as a safe place for me

I tried to be safe for you too,
But have realized how bad I am at
Comforting others, especially you.
I tried my hardest, but never felt correct

I'd cry and get frustrated
over the urge to protect.
I'm extremely empathetic,
I'll throw myself under the bus, it's pathetic

I feel everything you say,
I take on your emotions
and this seems to cause pain
But I don't know what to say

It just happens,
You share with me
And I feel everything
I try to convey my empathy

To help you feel okay,
All I wanted was to be there
Like you were always, for me
I think the best thing I can do is set you free.

I check on you,
despite being blocked
I wonder what you're up to.
In the end I miss you often,
how could I not?
You were around for so long...
but I'm slowly learning
how to live without you.

Idiotic girl,
ranting in the form of a sentence
in this forum full of nonsense
about how an old friend
felt her up despite knowing
she has sexaul trauma issues...
but that's just her post today.
Tomorrow there will be something
else that actually triggers me,
but she doesn't care about that possibility,
does she?

I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
i don't care
i dont care
i dont car
i dont ca
i dont c
i dont...

Stomp, stomp, stomp
Unhappy glares
He walks up the stairs
The kid is stirring up tears.
Yelling and cries
Mixed with more stomping
You told me I was unwanted,
To just go away if I wasn't helping.
You didn't even tell me what you were doing,
It's not ignoring if I can't hear you.

Why am I here?
Laying under blankets,
eyes filled with tears,
everything feels uninteresting.
All I feel is disgusting and sad.
I don't want to bring others down
but when they can see through the mask
they get mad.

*and I end up ignored anyways.

I'm not sure if I'm tired or wide awake
but I know for a ******* fact that if
I see one more black thing
dart from point A to point B
out of the corner of my eyes-
I'm switching rooms tomorrow night,
I'm sick of waking up paralyzed
from drunken dreams that force me
to think of him and wonder why
I can't be wrapped up in his arms.

I didn't want to hate you,
but I'm trying to accept that I do.
There's no way we will fix this,
you're not the right personality type to.

We used to be so close,
But now you're one of those,
People who don't need me anymore.
It's okay because I'm used to being ignored.

I just never expected it from you.
Because you were once my sun; my moon.
You challenged me to think differently,
About love, life, and everything.
It's too bad, now I finally see.
You just lied to me.
I hate you.

Maybe someday you'll feel this pain too.

I might act like I don't care
but underneath what I wear
I'm an utter fool for you
I'd bend over backwords
to make your dreams come true
and it's all because I love you
I'm sorry if sometimes I seem
a little distant-
it's mostly because I'm trying
my best to be more realistic
and give you the space
that you say you'll take
I just don't want to make a mistake
and cause either of our hearts to break
sometimes it can be tricky-
controlling my feelings
because I can get clingy
there is a side of me,
that you have yet to see
please, no matter what
do not abandon me..
because I have feelings for you.

I think you were sent to me by an angel
To teach me a lesson about my value
You illuminated paths I couldn't see within
Who knew you'd lead me to where I've never been

When you first disappeared,
Fear gripped me tight.
I was left broken
Without a star in the night

When you returned, my hope was reignited
but my fears would cause a lot of damage.
Now you're here, but not quite near,
Your silence echoing, forcing me to steer

Giving me the time and space
to really hear everything you once said
to let myself listen and internalize it
how valuable I am

Maybe the majority of your malice march is fueled with fire;
fictionalized by myself. Simply because my greatest desire is
currently to avoid knowing that you long to hurt me. Dear, let
me tell you this; **I know everything.

I ruined everything
Everything that we had
I broke your heart
And threw it in the trash

I can't remember why
And that leaves me feeling sad
A year has gone by
And even now I'm feeling bad.

You're a heartbeat that's fading, in and out..

We've been through this so many times now...


You've hurt me, you've hugged me, and we never say goodbye.

I wish you'd tell me why you're the one, whom
my mind has been focused on for the past twelve
hours.

Why'd you choose the spell devour when you
locked in our friendship?

Was I only ever your prey?

I guess you wanted it to always work; to stick well.

And it obviously has, since I'm inside an eggshell that has your pictures all around the wall that has me trapped inside; forcing me to dwell.

I'm writing this so that you'll know I'm not going to anymore.

I'll forget you eventually and it'll all be laid out on the floor.

It happened again
I let someone in
I felt like we were close
but we floated apart

I'll try to distract myself with art,
I feel so alone,
but can't tell anyone
is this how it starts?

My montage?

I see it in TV shows,
movies and music videos
People evolve and change
but I seem to stay the same

But I'll wait for my beginning
The part where I press play
and see myself at the end
I wonder, will I be grinning?

I feel full of regret,
but I cannot reach out again
to these people I copied
whether it was a mistake or not

I have realized I don't have identity.
This is why I'm lonely.
I don't know who I am
I know who I like but drive them away

I'm a mirror for others to use as display.

Thank you for always being there.
I know that you're not going anywhere.
I appreciate everything that you say to me.
You've helped me learn to think more freely.
And for that I'll never be able to thank you enough.
Maybe this emotion I'm feeling is stronger than love.