****...
Where has the time gone?
*Away from me

I sit and wait for the call to begin
I ponder what I'll say
or if I'll learn anything
While the dread settles in

I don't like myself right now.
I see patterns and look for answers
I'll think I might be getting closer to closure,
but in the end, only  assumptions are found.

"Why do you need to know?" She asks me.
Because I feel like a well.
The Sun appears and I become dried out,
a storm rumbles in and I'm overflowing.

People visit me rarely
each time they do, I become more empty.
They come to me because they get something
They don't stop and sit with me, they want what I function.

Sometimes they paint me,
or add a layer to my shell
They might gift me an accessory
because for them, it will help.

It makes them feel better,
when how I look brings them comfort,
They think everything changed
But I'm still a well they never visit to connect.

I'm a well that sits on a hill,
They think I'm out of reach
but I'm here, left out
Someday I'll be the well that fell.

You're so ******* perfect
in every way I can imagine
I just want to feel you beside
my empty self.

I want to help you see that
there could never be anyone
else who could possibly
complete me

the shaken when in public-
full of unwanted angst and
hatred-
too afraid to step out the door
and live-
girl that just wants to take that
step with you..

She somehow finds love and
comfort inside of that silly
smile that appears on a face
that just so happens to be yours

she wants to tell you that she
plans to stay put, beside you.
she doesn't want anybody else.
Because she is completed,
finally not tangled in sadness daily
let me tell you, she was glad to throw
that paper away..

*It's thanks to a tall boy who has a
laugh that makes her heart flutter
in a way she didn't know it could.

I'm not sober
I don't want
things to be
over.

I'm going to clone myself like a Jellyfish
and stray far away from this hideous place
where the grass isn't green and trees are inexistent
I used to love it here but now I can't help but hate it
so I'll go deep into the ocean and see the only beings
that make my heart flutter as if I were really living..
I'll be with the Jellyfish forever, after all nerve nets
are better than brains, they cause too much stress for me.
I'd rather be heartless, boneless, maybe transparent too
I'm already invisible and if someone were to mess with
me all I'd do is give them a sting.. no more crying, denying
my depression or worrying about people that don't worry
about me. I'd be a part of the ocean, and the ocean would
contain me. I'd basically be a type of melon with tentacles
considering they're between 95% and 98% water anyways
I could be immortal or live up to a few hours..
so let me drown already.

I'm having a  
(b               t
        a
    l          s)
dancing all on
  m y   o w n
we were never
in the same show
and now I    

                       k
                         n
                           o
                             w
how much fun one
person can have **alone.

I'm here for all of you people that are feeling just as tired and exhausted from the saddening madness that I am always getting slapped in the face with. **I am here for you.

I'm sitting in a corner rocking back and forth
You were all I wanted; now I want to leave this Earth

Even if I stayed it wouldn't make much of a difference
Everytime I try to change there is no significance

Tell me, why does the clock keep ticking when my heart is breaking?
You've become so cold is that why I'm now shaking?

Now I'm floating in the middle of space drowning in hate's embrace
This world that I'm in *****! I just can't stop messing up! ******.

I miss the long talks
that usually went on
for paragraphs and
multiple days.

I miss you telling me
stories I thought I
wouldn't want to hear
but ended up longing for.

I miss your voice and the
way you took my heart
and somehow made it melt.

I miss you in general and
that makes me feel scared.

I know I tell you how I miss you a lot, but it's not my fault, you just have a way of captivating my thoughts.

sometimes i feel so sad, i think i'll just die.
i talk to myself and wonder why i even try.
i stare at my ceiling and try not to cry
but it all comes out one tear drop at a time.

I'm dead inside
I just want to hide
no need to confide;
in me.

Self centered woman
you're so wrong about
so many things I can't
even begin to reach
for half of my dreams
because of your words
that lead me to believe
I've failed you- maybe
I'm not what you were
wanting so badly..
but telling me lies and
staying away from him
will not change the way
that I feel about you-
disappointed.

I don't want to think about it...
Falling in and out.
I have a lot of love for you
I don't want it to burn out.

I never want to forget
the feelings you've made me feel.
The way I can't stop smiling
when you're done laughing
or squeezing my hand...

How I feel as you kiss me
or when you're just sitting nearby...
I don't want to stop feeing warm and bubbly
the thought makes me want to hide.

I know, I haven't written in a while... Right now,
These 4 walls are the only ones who see me smile.
I don't want to share my pain anymore...
and I don't want to share my happiness either.
I find myself coming back here only during the
in between moments. To look back, to try and find
a piece of why I felt something before. Now it's just
all blurry.

Dizzy not silly
tears are forming
inhale - exhale
feelings swarming.

Maybe it'll rain
wash away this pain
inhale - exhale
today.

Drowning
you're not
around me
inhale - exhale
just surround me.

No apathy
lines are discrete
inhale - exhale
inside empty sheets.

Feelings ricochet
please don't
go away
inhale - exhale
nothing remains.

in the car
I blare music
in the car
it's warm
but not humid
in the car
I can be loud
or quiet.
In the car
I'm alone
but it's not silent.
In the car
I can drive away,
in the car
they can't hurt me.
In the car
I'll say goodbye,
in the car
I'll drive all night.

My heart is sinking as I step into the Chukchi Sea.
Off from Alaska's beach into this water, which is -40 degrees.
I'm freezing inside of a blanket, weaved from a fabric called sadness.
If this is your way of leaving me behind,
I'll allow the waves to swallow me.
As you're watching, I continue sinking. It's as if you've gone blind.
The person I remember, wouldn't have stood there watching.
Which leads me to believe you don't truly care, is that it?

I won't be sad
While you're away.
I'll try my best
To not be afraid.
Of everything
That I'll need to face,
To take care of
My past mistakes.
But I'll miss you.
And I'll think of you
Every day.

I do sing for you
Even now
The sky is blue
I remember you
I want to call you
To ask if you'd like to meet
Before I go back to the sand-filled
Place on the other side of the nation
Where I'm living now.
But I cannot.
So I'll lay my phone down next to my pillow
And continue sleeping; bitter filled dreaming

That I want you to make marks on my skin...?

I'm a child again.
Always stuck in the middle.
No one is looking to make sure
I won't fall and get caught in a riddle.

You've pulled all of their eyes to you.
No one can invite others over.
You've made it so no one can do
the things they were planning to
before you decided to stay with us.

what am i supposed to say
when it feels like i should say nothing?
should i just stay quiet and miserable,
or say things that could bring on a horrible battle...
i think i’d rather crawl back into my bed.

You don't know how it feels
to find out there's someone else
and not be able to do anything
to prevent the feelings that will
follow up and eventually take
that one special person that
makes everything okay away
from you..

it's all over
you told me the truth,
you said the words
that i think i always knew.
it's all over with you.

I guess it's too complicated for us to stay friends
after everything that's happened
I'm sorry that I can't take it back
you were my bestest friend and
now we don't even say hello or
associate with eachother in the
slightest amount of words or chatter.
and it's a shame because to you; *I mattered.

Laying in the grass
you look up into the sky,
it's a warm night between summer and fall.
The stars twinkle and you let yourself drift off.

You're dreaming.
You're floating up to the stars,
all of the things that make you who you are,
encompass you.

Then you wonder,
is it wrong?
To wish for a savior?
I'm here to tell you it isn't.

It's okay to want someone to save you.
To long for them...
to wish they'd rush into your life
and be there to catch you.

You're only so strong alone.
It's okay to sometimes,
just sometimes...
want someone to be the hero you're dreaming of.

I don't want to see your name anymore
I hate the way it sounds in my mind
also when it comes out of my mouth
so stop filling up my Facebook's news
feed

Stop poking me and sending me things
on other social medias
Stop texting my now broken phone
and maybe just maybe- leave me alone
I'm so sick of being reminded of the
girl who once went by NotTsundere
the girl that I've kicked out and have
forced to hide
She's already said goodbye
so now it's time for you to.

I'm holding onto you and shutting my eyes, as the song keeps playing, my heart continues to melt. The sounds from the squirrels jumping on leaves are all drowned out... I feel your hands moving, I smile and breathe you in, our faces come close again, your nose touches mine and I know I don't want this time together to end. *It was cold outside but you left me feeling heated.

Being in love can be such a pain
I know what you're going through
and I have to say that I'm truly sorry
being so far away from your partner
can be so agitating..
But you have to remember what will come next
when you're finally together things will be fixed
the love you've been storing away just for them,
you'll finally be able to let out and give.
So just hold on a little longer, okay?

I want to kiss you
at the end of each night
and the beginning of every day,
I wanna be there so you can see
me smiling at the things you say.

I'm curled up in this blanket
listening to the noises outside, it's raining.
I'm wishing your arms were around me
I want you here beside me.

The rain is hitting my window hard
kind of like what you do to my heart
thump, thump, bang, bang...
it's onomatopoeia all throughout day.

I want nothing more than for you to feel the same.

Realizing the mayhem sprinkled into my past
has left such a sour taste with me
it's put my emotions on blast;
finally seeing what happened to me.

I'm beginning to feel better
after having picked out the reminders,
but the child in me is bitter
and wants to see them covered in spiders.

I wish I could move out tomorrow
turn away from it all and start new
somewhere that nobody knows me
where no one knows about the things
that break me so easily.

In my room,
in my bed.
Under blankets,
resting my head.
In your hoodie,
I remember
you were wearing
when we first met.
I'm really tired,
I want you here
in my room,  
half asleep
and holding me
in your sweater
that you gave me.

He is a Fried Egg Jellyfish,
nonetheless he was ignorant
Always pushing things on me
He never considered feelings
Like the Phacellophora camtschatica
his sting is rather weak.
But that doesn't seem to explain
why it took me so long to see
that he was only after one thing.
-
She is a Pacific Sea Nettle
Glowing; always and forever.
I embrace her light even when
I'm feeling smothered.
She is amazing in many ways
But could become dangerous
in a matter of days.
Just like the Chrysaora fuscescens,
She is made of many colors.
Which is why I can't stop looking at her.
-
He is a Purple Striped Jelly
One of the most painful out of these
Oh sweet, Chrysaora colorata,
he truly stung me.
So beautiful inside and out
I should've looked but never touched
I just wanted to be his cancer crab,
but I never was one..
I was the ocean sunfish biting back.
-
He is a Golden Jellyfish
Beautifully mysterious as always
I want to dive straight into him
As I would the lake that the smack lives in.
Very similar to the lake
he is full of golden aspects
that I long to intake.
He hasn't stung me yet,
So why should I ponder mistakes?
He'll always be stuck inside of my head.

Late at night when I'm trying to sleep
I often picture myself curled up; and
being cradled inside of a Chrysaora's
bell.. From time to time I'd glance out
at its tentacles drifting along with the
oceans waters as it carries me along
I eventually fall asleep, it holds me in
my dreams. I'm dependent on Jellies
they help me forget the bad things.

I am a Jellyfish
colorful yet pain-inflicitng
I remind myself to forget the bad things.
**I keep on floating.

In the depths of our friendship's sea,
A jellyfish necklace binds you and me.
Silver and pretty, it once shone bright,
A token of love and shared delight.

But I leaned on you, like a child in need,
A caregiver's role, you didn't foresee.
Guilt fills my heart, for the burden I placed,
Yet I know it's not an excuse to embrace.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

I sought shelter in your guiding light,
A refuge from darkness, day and night.
But the weight I placed upon your soul,
Has taken its toll, now I know.

The jellyfish necklace holds secrets untold,
A symbol of the roles we unfold.
In my quest for solace, I caused you pain,
Now I must learn to stand on my own again.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Like ocean waves, our friendship sways,
I must learn to mend my own broken ways.
Acknowledging the wounds, seeking healing's embrace,
Rebuilding our bond, through much needed space.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Though scars may linger, we'll find our way,
Together we'll navigate the choppy waves.
No longer dependent, but intertwined,
A friendship reborn, with strength we'll find.

When things like this come up,
I often wonder if I'm good enough.
I'll feel cold as I remember it all
then super weak remembering the fall.

I tried my hardest to forget,
I had thought denial was my best friend.
Just when I think I've made peace with it,
everything comes crashing back to me...

I hate these heated months.
Not only because of the bugs,
and the weather that brings so much sweat
but because of the nightmares that come with them.

The girl clinged to the trees
As she ran through the woods
There was a passing breeze
She got chills but still ran,
She had to get away
From that dreadful land
and go back to the one she loves.
She got lost a time or two
But always kept pushing through
and soon she will be where he is.

I remember the past, infatuation.
Just breathe, pull it all back in.
Ignore it, shove it past the gates.
The gates of your imagination.
Focus on the now.
Things will work out.
Don't worry about what's happened.
Focus on doing things different.
You can make it.