At 11:59 pm
You spilled your secrets
And told me you loved her
At 12:00 am, I sat in silence and braced myself
For the familiar wave of despair to hit
But it didn't.
I filled the room with a sigh of releif
But then I asked myself
Will I still be okay at 4 am?

Falling for you was inevitable.

But after all
The tide still shifts
Sunflowers still grow lovely
They all still talk
Seeing people and going places
They still know how to love
But their love is no longer mine
After all
Who cares about the ghost of a girl
That's been riding the train day and night
Yet all they see is an empty seat

I woke up with a dry mouth
In daylight cast by clouds
(at about 5 pm)
When I fell asleep, the leaves were green
I am awake, and they are orange now
It is fall, and I am alone again

In reality, she doesn't matter to them
She's just another pretty face in the crowd
Nothing that makes them want to stick around
Poor darling, once she's out of sight
She's out of mind

Isn't it funny how I need you,
But you don't need me?
Without you, I cannot glow.
Without you, my colors will not show.
Why are you so selfish?
Why is it that
When you go down
You take me below with you?
When you don't shine, you dim the stage
So no one shines but you.
But why not let the stargazers
See some other colors too?

Bleed into me with your all;
You're already alive within my bloodstream

I hated cigarettes
With a childhood filled with suffocating smoke
My anticipation for them was unlikely
But every **** smoke you had sitting next to me
You fed me your words and stories
A breathtaking cascade of scattered phrases and ideas and dreams
I was all so ravenous to hear
Your smoke swirled, not suffocated
I'd watch it snake throughout the air
As it pushed your memories of people and places to come to life in my mind
Every wisp of smoke pulled me closer to you
Smokes killed
But darling your words gave me more life than anything

I'm up to 35.
35 despaired pages, each turned with a painfully waning chance of happiness.
I weep for this diary
The crisp-white pages are darker than dark, tattooed with pain
Written in ink, but meant in blood.
(I'm starting to wonder if I have any left in my veins)

She used to bask in the daylight
And attention and good times
With even better friends

All she knows of now
Is the night train her presence so often occupies
And streetlamps of sad walks in the unbroken silence of the night
Accompanied by none other than the coldest solitude

I told him that he should watch the effect his words have on people
And when that wasn't enough,
I said to look for his name in my suicide note

Emma is the girl
For who you'd pay millions
Just to hear her laugh
That laugh
It is a laugh no summer breeze can compete with
To hear Emma talk
Is to immerse yourself in a still black lake
Illuminated my moonlight's gleam
On a raw summer night
Once you hear it
Her voice becomes the only lullaby
You will ever fall asleep to
Once you see her
The second you do
Beauty will cease to exist
There will only be Emma
And that which is not her.

You flooded me with false hope
And left me drowning in feelings
Thinking about how you and I
Could've been a we
With your lingering touches
You sparked lightning in my heart
And now it dances in my veins
Refusing to stop.
But you dont care that you are in my bloodstream
Because baby, I could light up the skies for you
And you wouldn't care to look.

Help

I am suffocating
There is a fog in my mind
Where pretty words used to dwell

Help

My mind is blank
And so is my soul

I've never hated an object more than when I found that little red notebook of hers.

My heart sank to depths no ocean could reach when I saw how stained with life her words were, despite her claims of hollowness and a dead soul.

Her words mocked me. They were still alive.
She wasn't.

Oh,
but no one heard the broken girls with the hollow screams
and hairline fractures running through
their ice-chilled hearts.

I guess you could say I've been okay lately
But I've been sleeping all the time just to escape myself
And I've started hating all of the people I love

Don't you know some things are too good to be true?
I knew, and I still fell for your lies.
You made me wonder
Whether my eyes were broken
Because if you saw me so lovely
Maybe the world saw me from a different point of view too?
At first I knew you were doing this
Trust me, I could see.
But your sweet words of emptiness blinded me.
Maybe it's because you made me feel
Like blood pumped through my veins
Without having to check.
Surprise, I didn't matter
I came crashing back to reality
But at least all this time wasn't wasted,
You've made me realize
Nothing broken is lovely, not me..

I yell and I frantically wave
But no one hears a silent scream
And taxi-cabs don't stop for ghosts

If I died my hair
Could we pretend it isn't me
I bleached my hair
Let's bleach the voices in my ****** up head
Fleeting memories, so what if they're dead

Marionette
She'll declare you lovely
And she'll clasp your hand and run you down the street
To the little coffee shop no one really sees
You will have coffee over a little chat
About how much she hates coffee
And she'll talk too much, and then none at all
She'll giggle and brush her 60s pin curls behind her ear
And her glistening eyes will watch you fall in love with her
And she'll have no idea

I always thought I preferred the night
I love the way my eyes look in daylight
but in the glory of the moonlight my infatuation goes to the way your eyes looked, looking at me
like there was no place you'd rather be

Jagged edges, you were sharp sharp sharp
Baby, have you ever seen me look so dark?
I love you, don't you mind mind mind
**** me
Is love blind?

No control
No control
my life is whirling out of control;
My life is spinning
and I'm not winning
are you sinning?
Can you spare
any fare
so that this mess
you may repair

I've missed you for the longest amount of time
how could I not,
you were engraved in me,
a part of me for so long,
I didn't know what it was like without you.
You were my routine, my schedule,
the ballet-slipper pink ribbon laced into my life.
You showed me your world, and I showed you mine,
and suddenly, it was ours.
I don't know who you are anymore
In fact, I didn't know for a time before you left.
Our worlds grew distant
foreign and separate
even so
what am I to do but crumble
and fall apart
When you yanked the shiny ribbon of your presence
from my life?
You were a part of me
And I can still feel your presence.

"Set me on fire, please."
You knew
That burning was my least desired death
But I'd much rather have an unpreferred way of death
Than an unpreferred way of life.

Why does the wind howl so loudly
Why can't the moon talk back
To the lonely souls with tear stained faces
Why aren't the love letters in vintage stationary with ironic stamps and coffee stains returned
Why are novels abandoned and potted plants left unwatered?
Loneliness is universal, and the universe is a hell of a lonely place.

Raw words have the strongest sting.

No memory and I still know of you.

It's 11.23 am
And I've nothing left to say
I think I'll allow some sleep tonight
So I don't have to feel this way

With control, I bind my ribcage tighter and tighter
Because if I don't lace up
My porcelain-bone corset
Tight enough
They will reach in
And grab my heart.

I am sitting on a city bench tired and alone in the pouring rain, and sleep is a late bus.

I left my makeup on tonight
Because I was too tired to take it off
Funny
I didn't even plan
To cry it all off later on

I won't tell you that you ripped my heart out because I would be lying.
I can still feel my heart and it feels sick to its stomach and I know that isn't possible,
but hey
you used to say that it wasn't possible that your love for me would ever cease.

You were a knife in my chest
But I miss you

You're not with me anymore
But I'm still bleeding

And the problem is
No one's a wintergirl forever
For in this wintergirl wasteland
You either thaw
Or freeze.

We're all stuck.

Two drops of blood, a reason each
So you can always have my love, for it lives in this dead blood like it burned in my veins eternal
One tiny drop of misery, to flood your soul like it drowned mine
A slip of ***** to numb the pain, both mine and yours
And a crushed up little pill
So you may hear my voice once more

I used to avoid the outdoors
And confine myself to the comfort
And familiarity of inside
But you
You made the summer breeze that my hair danced with
Smell like safety
You made the background drone
Of distant traffic
Sound like comfort
Because it was covered
By our raw laughter
You made me start loving the wildflowers
Because they grew along the trail
On which we walked side by side
I fell in love with the outside
Because that's where we were
When I fell in love
With the idea of you and me

I don't shine like the stars
I'm not a diamond in the rough
I am the rough patch, the fleeting enigma of this painfully current squeaky-clean suburban world
This is hardly glory
But my soul is celestial
I have ink blotted dreams in my heart
Words and prose in my mind
And your name waiting on my tongue

Pretty lights flashing, you're like a rave
Upside down faces, talking about the drugs they don't do
Lovers in the corner,
Hands being held
I'm backed against a cold wall with my pretty words and them alone wondering why I'm here
Counting all the people who really don't care

Falling in love
Is messed up enough
But when you fall in love with madness
It is a twisted sort of hell
It's not unlikely,
Oh no
Madness is a seducer
Holding the key to your soul
When you fall for insanity
You're drowning and gasping for air
Yet laughing and imploring
To be pulled further down,
Torn further and further
Away from your mind


But there is one thing you should know
Madness never will
Love you back

Ah, well friend
I wouldn't jump till you got there
Then we'd go together
And soar to better times

all your cigarettes
there's smoke in your soul
i swear you're asking for death
(more than the rest of us)
I have words inked in my bloodstream
you have them inked on your skin
you're WALKING ART babe but
art doesn't die

One day
Those of us who found our way back
Survived
We'll look back on the days
When we were lost
And we'll wince at the realization
Of the time we wasted
Pushing away someone
Who could have been our future
And we will wince
At the days consumed
Trying to shrink
Into the disordered skeleton children
We became
Flashing fake smiles
And looking out at the world
With vacant eyes clouded by despair

wrong words, you know I never meant to hurt you // wrong words, you think I argue too much // wrong words, I don't have much to say anymore // wrong words, no one's gonna love me // wrong words, I think you hate me // wrong words, you say I'm paranoid // wrong words, I don't even write real poetry // wrong words, the right ones have left me // wrong words... "living isn't my thing"

I can't make conversation
But I can make art you won't appreciate
I'll stay quiet
You'll hate me for it
You'll kiss me
And I'll hold your frozen hand
It's not love
But your body keeps me warm

(The warmth of your chest could've melted the ice in my heart)
I always thought
No matter what
I could seek saftey in your arms
But ****
Your arms were not made to be wrapped around me
And the warmth of your chest and the sound of your heartbeat
Were not mine to keep
(Your heartbeat could've started mine)