the paper house is blowing away
with the winds of confrontation
the paper people tear and reform
their hands no longer connected
the wars are now in the form of words
and silences

we used to watch these lives on t.v.
never thought they would happen to me
but the hurricane approaches and paper houses fall down
i will have to build myself up from the ground
but i don't have the glue or the scissors
or even the paper people to fix
so i'll sit in this corner and watch the parade
nobody thought it would end up this way

but it wasn't just losing you

it was losing out on all the memories to-be
like your mother's fortieth birthday
your baby cousin's first day at school
your uncle's wedding *(i'd already picked out my clothes)

it meant missing you at my graduation
and you never seeing my little sister grow
never tasted the fresh morning brew my dad makes
or listening to my mom recite

losing you wasn't just losing you
it was losing everything around you
and in a way,
*it meant losing myself too.

my flu turns to a sinus infection and my mom tells me it could have been avoided if i'd only taken medicine to begin with and didn't try to act like a superhero how do i explain to her that for once in my life i just wanted to fight by myself and fight alone and fight to success and so much for that because what started off with a little sneeze is now an emergency and i'm stuffing antibiotics down my throat and falling down the stairs due to vertigo and it hurts you know it hurts it doesn't feel good to have your head full of sinus and i want someone to take a syringe and insert it into my temple and pull out all the liquid and maybe some memories too i think i've reached cognitive overload and okay so maybe my plan to be self-sufficient didn't work out so great but that doesn't mean i can't save myself right? right? i don't know anymore i'm not so sure anymore i don't know if i can get back on my feet when just a little infection gets me in bed praying for light to consume me and end this now i can't even handle a sinus infection for the love of all that is holy and kind how am i going to survive anything in this cruel world when i can't handle a sneeze and it reminds me how you'd still kiss me when i was sick and even though we hadn't met in months you'd be okay with just cuddling and not having *** if i didn't feel like it when we finally did meet and do you remember when our biggest problem was me being on my period on the days i wanted *** and do you remember how we had *** anyway and do you remember how it felt and do you remember how i was (who i was) do you remember? and this sinus infection feels a whole lot like love it gives me a headache and makes me want to die but somewhere inside i want it to stay because being sick is a great excuse to give others when they ask you why you look so pale so sad so down it's a great excuse to give when people ask you why your eyes are so red you can tell them the infection kept you up all night instead of revealing how you had a dinner party with your demons until 4am before realizing that the tea was poison and your demons in your head i'm thinking about the kid in my literature class who showed up ****** and i wonder if that takes away his pain i don't plan on getting ****** but i have red eyes all the time anyway so why not right? why not depend on a drug why not depend on an antibiotic why am i trying to save myself when the world has provided me happiness in a pill and instead of fighting all the time all i have to do is swallow (i've always been good about swallowing, ask him he'd tell you) and i guess this pill is just another thing to close your swallow even though you don't want it down your throat and i guess it's time to lay down my arms and say here, you win. i give in. the food festival is tomorrow and my  aunt tells me not to go because there are open wires on the fields and the rain has given them more life than ever before and oh i've always had a love-hate relationship with food (more love than hate anyday but that's the whole problem anyway) and i think i'm going to go to the food festival- whether for the doodh patti chai or for the danger of open wire shocks; **i'm not so sure yet.

someone once said to me on a rainy day in august
"a stranger could come say hi to you
& you would respond with "i love you""
i found this thought quite funny
because they're not entirely wrong

i find it so easy to fall in love with the way people are
their walks, their talks, their bullet-wounds, their scars
i find it so easy to be mesmerized by the twinkles in their eyes
by the curves of their backs and by the way they smile when they're shy
how they scrunch up their noses and the sound of their laugh
how some of them speak slow and how some of them speak fast
the range of their voices from pretty like a bird to deep & husky
how some of them smell like the flowers of spring and others, musky
i love how each one expresses themselves through art
whether fashion or painting or poetry or whatnot
it's not just the human body but also the human soul
which is ah, so incredibly out of this world
personalities and quirks
and all the gears which make their minds work
how some cry easy and how others do not
how some laugh often and how others, not a lot
how some think of the future, others the past
then those who live in the moment, hoping it'll last
our philosophies and beliefs and the things which make us who we are
how without hope and love, none of us will go very far
at the end of the day, each one of us is similar, yet so uniquely different at the same time
but without each other, we'll never be able to shine

so yes, i am guilty of falling in love
with every stranger i bump into
it's not because im disloyal, polygamous, childish or silly
its purely because i love humans for just being human- through and through

with a smile on my face
and a pout on my lips
i begged you to stay
just five more minutes
kiss me one more time

with tears in my eyes
and daggers in my heart
i begged you to stay
just five more minutes
kiss me *one last time

don't hold me to the promises
i whispered in your ear
with my champagne tongue
rolling in that bed of roses

what happens at midnight
need not see the dawn.

i'm tiptoeing around the fine lines
holding my breath, silently
my fingers trace the boundaries
i am too close for comfort
circling the forbidden with my fingertips
i am so close to falling in love with you

in the sand, with a stick
you draw a line to keep us apart
but the sun burns too strong
to keep me from you
i test the water with my feet
too hot, too cold; just right
i am so close to falling in love with you

it'd be nice
to have someone
who would
love me
for
who i am
not
despite
who i am

we were the gods of cynicism
we embraced the dark
cheered on life
as it ****** us over
and then rooted for death

one fine day, however
your greatest dream came true
you left your bitterness for joy
and then you left me too
i only brought you down, you see
led you into the dark
i should be happier, you see
that's what i was told

so that one fine day you walked away
your suitcase packed with hopes & dreams
you told me i need to smile more
and became deaf to my deafening screams
off to manchester you took off
and empty handed i stood there
should've known i was all alone
in my land of guts & gore

i should have known i'm the only one
to intimately welcome evil
the only one to reside happily in hell
oh honey, i'm the foulest kind of devil.

he tells me he'll buy me a white house
with a picket fence and i laugh because
it sounds so absurd to me
why would anyone want to live in
this plastic world of despair
i mean, maybe i'm judging it too hard
but i just can't see myself
driving a mini-van with two kids
crying in the backseat complaining
and calling me "mom" as if they their
mother-tongue was not Urdu
i can't do soccer games and ballet lessons
or wait every night at 8PM to have a
family dinner
i am not anyone's wife in an apron
and there is nothing wrong with choosing
the american dream
just that its a nightmare for me
i want to finger paint the house a
million shades of rainbow
i want to tie a braid in my hair
and lie under the sun
let it kiss me until i'm brown
and free.
i want my children to blast
bollywood and dance with me
no choreography, just love
i want a husband who falls in love
with my henna covered hands and
the way i smell of the sea
i can't see myself settling to a world
where everything looks just the same
or a man who loves me in a clean,
innocent way
i know this sounds stupid and i'm not
one for crazy romance but
laughing during *** and screaming during fights
is something that feels more than alright
i like the edge and the stability in knowing
that you're not going anywhere, we're going
everywhere
i want my children to climb on their father's back
and tickle him until he cries
i want them to paint his nails
and tie his hair in little ponytails
i want them to go to the beach and not worry
about getting sand in between their toes
i want them to wake up in the morning
with their messy hair and lopsided smiles
i want them to run around the house
the way their parents did
chasing each other only to fall
into each other's arms.

dear god,
you were introduced to me as kind, forgiving, generous. whenever i made a mistake, i didn't feel the need to come apologize to you because i thought you'd know it was a mistake and forgive me. not once in my life have i gone out of my way to hurt anyone. any pain i may have caused anyone was unintentional. like the way i broke my sister's arm- i didn't mean it. we were playing. my parents may not have understood that, but i knew you would understand because you were always- you have always been- my best friend.
i am eighteen now and i've made more mistakes than i can count. these mistakes didn't hurt anyone but myself. i made bad decisions out of vulnerability, desire, fear. and i thought you'd understand. i stayed up a few nights explaining to you exactly what happened (you were there though, so i probably didn't even need to do that). i ******* up, i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i swear to god. i mean, i swear to you.
but recently i'm being told by everyone around me that i need to repent and beg for forgiveness. god, i don't understand. why would i say sorry to you for my mistake? you created me. you knew i was made to make mistakes. if you wanted me to be perfect, you would have made me so. but you didn't. i've always come to you in times of need, in times of confusion and pain. you have guided me, i have trusted you, you told my secrets to no one.
why now, must i beg for forgiveness? you know me better than i know myself. you know i have always sacrificed myself for those i love, i never wanted anyone to hurt.
i am lying here with a broken heart and a the words are twisting in throat. my stomach is on fire and every breath is a struggle. i am thankful that i do not need to speak for you to hear me. god, tell me this, why must i beg for forgiveness when i know that you have forgiven me? i know you have forgiven me for being human. you made me human in the first place.
other humans will not forgive me.
you will. you always have.

please help me understand.
regards,
your human.

everythings alright
but i don't want to open my eyes

my parents talked about that dark disease
which only inflicted the ungrateful
they called it depression

the sun still rises
and the moon still swings across the sky
in its many shapes
but night or day; i am wide awake

i was concerned in a pleasurable way
when my pen refused to be silent
page upon page of sweet sweet misery
but now my hand is frozen
and the page lies blank
agony to silence
agony to still

they talked about what the bug was
how it ate through you and i listened so intently because even then i knew something was wrong

inside
something was wrong

i spoke to the crow today and he told me a silly story
about how the ruffles in his feathers keep getting heavier
and how one day he fell in the pond and watched himself sink
but did not cry out for help
he did nor cry out for help
some poor soul took pity on him and pulled him out
he did not cry out for help
he did not cry out for help

maybe time is relative but the clock ticks to let you know you're alive in a world that ***** out of you the spark that makes you tick that makes you tick
tick
tick
the clock ticks
tick
tick

maybe i'm too poor
too fortunate
too loved but inside me
this
this
this
i forgot what it's called
let's call it the friend
this friend
my friend-
what was i talking about again?

the smile still frowns
and the gold is still a crown
i will wake up
again

nothing is wrong
but i cannot open my eyes

nothing is wrong
i did not open my eyes

sometimes i wonder
what life would be without you
& honestly-
the thought doesn't sadden me
solely because
the thought does not exist at all

i cannot in my wildest dreams
imagine another voice
calling me 'baby'
singing to me over the phone
or telling me to stop dragging my feet when i walk
i cannot hear
any other laugh but yours
when i say stupid things
i cannot picture
another face to wake up to in the morning
or another smile to brighten my day
any other eyes to sparkle in the dark nights
i can never even think
of feeling at home in anyone else's arms
being able to cry on anyone else's shoulders
not in my craziest thoughts
can i ever think
of kissing anyone else's lips
(they'll never taste as good as yours)
no one else's body
will ever fit the way yours does
with mine
& i cannot fathom the idea
of anyone else trying

because once you've tasted perfection
*how do you settle for anything less?

confined to four blank walls my whole life
my soul untethered, my hands chained to walls
escaping through my own mind time after time
wondering what the outside world must look like
I’ve always been a dreamer, a romantic, a fantasist
I try to escape, I fail, I try again
my legs are ****** and my abdomen scarred
there are marks of defeat on my face
and a fire burning in my eyes
for no life is truly lived if it is not lived free
and no death is truly death, if it sets you free

so burn me to ashes and turn me to flame
then scatter me across the globe
may tulips grow from my empty eye sockets
and roses between my ribs
may apple trees grow from my fingers
and old ferns from my neck
sprinkle me in the deepest river
and toss me in the valleys of snow
empty me into the soil and let me grow
and once that is done, I will finally be able to see
the world I’ve always dreamt of coming to me
in death I will find my living
and in death I will find my peace
*light me on fire
and set me free

it was a raindrop
it was a tear

it was all the reasons
i wish you were here

we always met in between lovers*

we were 16 and broken hearted
he hurt me and she left you
and somewhere in the pain
we found each other for a moment
we were always a moment
never to be more
but for that moment
we didn't want more

few years later and we found ourselves
someone else
and silence prevailed over our bond
and that was okay;
i never told him about you
you never told her about me
we didn't need to
we were a moment
a moment gone
a moment preserved
and those years, they passed
i lost track
of where you were or who you became

until
we met in between lovers

she couldn't be with you anymore
i couldn't be with him anymore
we came back with new stories
new heartbreaks to share
we came back with memories
that we couldn't bare
to lose
we came back with the need
to not be alone for a while
someone to hear the
silence of our words
and so we spoke
and we spoke
and found comfort that we would never be
we could never be
and that was what made it
so easy
and we spoke
about loss and love
and so i spoke
about how i missed his touch
and so you spoke
about the smell of her hair
and so i spoke
about the color of his eyes
and so we laughed
about that day when this happened
and so we cried
about that day when that happened
and we spoke.
and we spoke.
and we spoke.

we always met in between lovers
we would never be lovers
we didn't need to be.

few years down the line
i wonder if i'll see you again
and it's bittersweet
because meeting you
means i have lost another
and i wonder
why do we always meet
not as friends
but
brokenhearted
between lovers?

that warm winter night
the stars they shined so bright
but they were still no match
for the twinkle in her eye

who are you when you are no one to anyone?
when your relationships cannot defend themselves
when the night closes in and you are not a daughter,
not a sister, not a friend, not a mother, not a lover.

who are you when your achievements sink into the ground
when your trophies and medals and memories of conquer
melt into ash on the floor, swept away by the breeze.

who are you when you have no first name, no last name
when you cannot show a form of identification
no passport, no student ID, no document that can say
look, this is me, this is who i am, this is my identity.

who are you when no one remembers you?
when you are not even a memory of those you once loved
of those you still love; when no one remembers the years or the hours
you spent with them, talked to them, touched them- who are you?

who are you when you are no one to anyone?
not even yourself.
when the world cannot speak for you
when the world cannot remember you
who are you when you have nothing left;
no one left.
who are you,
when you are no one?

let's cut the *******;
i only want you for your *body

but she was tired
the kind of tired the moon must feel
when it takes shelter behind the clouds
its light shining through
but hidden;
obscured, it's energy lingering
halfway between good and evil-
a m y s t i c a l aura.

when people ask you what your favorite color is it pains me to hear you say blue because you’d always told me there was no prettier color than the hazel-green of my eyes in the midday sunlight and what hurts more is that when you’re asked what kind of girl you see yourself falling in love with you don’t automatically respond by saying I am in love or I used to be in love but rather go on to describe exactly what I’m not and what I never was and it makes me question whether you were lying to me all along because I’m pretty sure I don’t have velvet hair or skinny arms I’m pretty sure I don’t have a lovely laugh or a freckled nose or any of the features you described as perfect I’m not quiet and I’m not funny I get sad a lot and I like long conversations about little things and I thought you did too but now you claim to hate everything I am and everything I love
how do you think I feel knowing that all your words were fake and all your conversations with me meaningless it hurts I swear to God it cuts me like a knife dipped in salt and vinegar and I don’t know how someone ever gets up after being pushed down so hard you make me feel like a fool who was played and who fell for the same dumb stories and the same dumb excuses over and over again but don’t you remember the way we laughed all night and the way we kissed in the middle of the street don’t you remember the way we swore we’d never let go when we sat on the top of the ferris wheel and the way I told you I’d follow you to the ends of the world don’t you remember the time we rolled down the highest hill and when we reached the bottom you picked the grass from my hair and put it above your lip like a mustache and I couldn’t stop laughing so you tickled me until I begged please stop please I’ll do anything
it’s hard to believe you’re the same person and it’s hard to believe that your sincerity was never there you’re such a good liar oh Lord you’re such a beautiful liar but please stop please I’ll do anything please stop declaring your love for fair girls with tumbling locks of fire kissed hair because i will never be that way and I never was that way and I don’t know if there’s a cure for heartbreak but even if there was I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t work on me anyway so please stop torturing me more than you need to I’m done I’m so done just let me go

we were never married
but in those few months,
we lived.
we lived more than a married couple ever could,
ever would,
ever will.

and then one day
he was gone.
and it was as if all of a sudden
the sunsets lost their delight
and the waves their majesty

an abundance of time was given to me
in my empty hands
and i did not know what to do with it

it did not hurt
i did not cry
i became voiceless
quiet as the night sky

widowed at 16,
i lived my life in silence
lost to the cause
of love left abandoned

for once
(i think)
I'd like to
get lost
in the crowd
instead of
getting lost
in
my **mind