i.
you will flinch everytime someone mentions his name. actually, you will flinch anytime anyone says anything which even vaguely sounds like his name. sometimes it seems that half the town has his name, when the truth is that you're just oversensitive about it.
**ii.
when someone touches you accidently or stares at you for a moment too long, you will feel the need to rush home and scrub every inch of your body until it bleeds because you feel so disgusted with yourself, inside & out.
iii.
when someone makes ***** jokes about you, you will look at the floor & listen to every word silently because a part of you still believes that all you are good for is your body
iv.
you feel the need to delete every conversation, every call history, every account on social media, every mark of a past with anyone and everyone because you're afraid that somehow, it will be used against you
v.
when someone asks you for a picture of you (even if they're in the picture with you), you will be incredibly hesitant and will have to force yourself to send it over. you don't want anyone to have any living proof of contact with you. you want to hide away.
vi.
whenever you are in a situation where you are not 100% in control, you will start having severe anxiety attacks. you cannot let yourself go. you cannot relax.
vii.
in relationships, you will always want the option to walk out because you feel claustrophobic the second it seems as if there's no way out. even if you never plan on walking away, you need the option. you need to know you're free, and for once, not bound to anyone forcefully
viii.
the thought of promising someone to be there's forever scares you because the idea of being tied down suffocates you
ix.
enclosed spaces will scare you. you will be unable to breathe and/or function in situations where there is no way out of a specific area such as in an elevator or a plane. you never had an issue with closed spaces before him.
x.
when someone brings up topics like domestic abuse and **** and shrugs them off as if they're nothing, your heart shrivels inside as memories flood your mind. but you have to remind yourself that not everyone knows that you're a survivor. and just because to you it seems as if there's a red label on your forehead saying "look at her, look at the disgusting things she's done", doesn't mean the label actually exists
xi.
every sector of your life will be influenced by the scars he left upon your mind, body & soul
xii.
you will never forgive nor forget
xiii.
some nights, you still won't be able to sleep in fear of waking up next to him
xiv.
at times, you'll still feel him on your skin
xv.
you will still feel him deep within
xvi.
this is never going to end. it'll never get easier, you'll just learn to live with it.
xvii.
& they'll call you a survivor, but all you'll ever be is a broken kid forced to give up your innocence long before you even had the chance to learn how valuable innocence is
xviii.
you'll never be the dictionary definition of "okay"
xix
what scares you the most, however, are the thoughts which enter your mind late at night, making you question whether, after everything has been said and done, *you still love him
// this was incredibly difficult to write but I thought that if I remained quiet about it, I would be telling others that this is something to be shameful of. if you are a victim of such abuse, know IT WAS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE YOUR FAULT & that you are never never alone. every 107 seconds, another ****** assault occurs, there are too many people in the world affected by it to not speak out regarding it //
note to those who haven't been through this personally: domestic violence/abuse/**** are all major issues & have to be dealt with on a very serious note. please be careful when you speak regarding them and never ever joke about them. you never know who amongst you has been through the vile torture of such activities.
p.s. these are just my thoughts/opinions, others are free to disagree