All I know is living in the fire,
Feeling the heat, scalding hot;
All I know is infinite hurt,
The tears that it brought.

I am learning life is fragile,
Lest you tie it down with the strongest rope,
The winds will buffet it at all times,
Rendering it impossible to cope.

I am learning moment by moment,
In a way that is mine alone.
I am strengthening each day,
Resembling the toughest stone.

Living in the fire has taught me,
Independence is life's most valuable jewel.
To ignore that vital truth,
I would be proving myself a fool.

Living with you has
Taught me that it is completely
Possible to love and hate someone
At the same time.

The damage you cause for me,
With that I can learn to live.
But don't you dare bestow that pain,
To outsiders who only give.

You weave a nasty web within this house,
Everyone follows your cruel law.
I won't let you give that pain
To an outsider whose emotions are raw.

I can tell when someone has endured enough,
When they have felt bad feelings,
And I won't let your destructive addiction,
Destroy this person's process of healing.

Mama bears don't turn their claws on their cubs,
So stop using that excuse to condone your actions.
Or believe me, you weak woman,
You will get an undesired reaction.

The future has become uncertain,
A mist that weaves around my fingers;
What if that mist does not exit upon morning,
But instead settles itself and lingers?

Of course I fear the men of your future,
The ones of your past have disturbed my soul;
If that misty fear settles and proves sensible,
What things will follow, oh so reprehensible?

It seemed a long, tedious, yet clear run to freedom,
But you have wrote one more troublesome twist;
We shall see if it results in atrocity,
Terrible things to add to my list.

I held your hand through the chaos,
Of which you were the creator.
Fear ran rampant in my chest,
I often felt like a traitor.

Then I dropped your hand to retreat,
And I watched the world collapse to nothing.
You fell to your knees, you gave in again,
Submitted to grief that was crushing.

I could not help it; my arm grew tired.
I began to lose my grasp on sanity.
I walked around so empty inside,
Caught up in vanity.

Many regrets pool in my mind,
When I lie down at night to sleep.
Often your face dances in my memories,
And often it begins to weep.

I removed the chains of fear,
Only to replace them with ones of sorrow.
It never seems to come to an end,
It never seems to cease to borrow.

I have little left to give.
I go through the motions of living.
Stuck in my emotions,
Having many misgivings.

I am sorry I dropped your hand,
But I am also not in the least.
I am sorry that you hurt,
That I came off as such a beast.

I made the decision to help myself,
Something long overdue.
In a desperate attempt to heal,
To stop feeling blue.

Lost something along the way,
Fell off the broken path.
Struggled with being gay,
Felt the world's wrath.

Warmth has arrived,
Blissful sun rays that kiss upon skin
With the tenderness of a parent's embrace.
It starts in the tissue of my face.

It seeps a little deeper,
Pervading my infinite layers
As if it dreams of warming my soul.
However, it cannot fill the hole.

The heat has come at last,
The season has shifted from cold
To blistering, filling warm.
Yet it does not end my storm.

Determination strikes so occasionally for me,
As if prospering only in the strictest of conditions,
But when it does sprout up from nowhere,
My head is filled with so many visions.

I see a course ahead of me traveled by many,
But conquered by very few,
And my probability to succeed is not greater,
That seems to be true.

But I feel like no road worth paving
Will manage to pave itself.
A book does not find its own way
Onto the tall, looming bookshelf.

The pavement must be my doing,
For the result to be worthwhile;
I have not always accepted this,
But then I was in denial.

If you are complacent,
And expect your road to unfold,
You will grow very frustrated as nothing happens,
And you will only become old.

Hands brush against each other,
But dare not intertwine.
Their owners fear persecution,
So instead they choose to hide.

Eyes sparkle under sunlight,
Wide smiles sprawl across faces,
Lips quiver in loving desire,
But kissing is dangerous in these places.

A man bestows his husband with a present,
As they sit within a restaurant booth,
But all he can do is smile,
So onlookers won't know his heart's truth.

Under party lights, their arms intertwine,
Their eyes meet, their lips kiss.
They are surrounded by others,
Who only now can engage in this bliss.

They are free from judgement,
Free from danger, hearts soaring,
Lives molding together, passion flowing,
Love crying into the air, it is roaring.

Gunfire erupts, bodies are falling,
Safe places have become unsafe.
It seems we can not love freely,
No, not even in this place.

I have grown,
Yet people think I have fallen.
I have known,
Yet I am tired of calling.

A mere boy at twelve years of age,
I became something frightening.
A mere child who turned a nasty page,
The change struck like lightning.

I had seen abuse,
Trauma plagued me each day,
I dreamed of noose,
Thought God would make me pay.

People met my words,
I called them ******* and ******,
Mocked them as *****, geeks, and nerds,
For my mind had few doors.

My homosexuality burned within my being,
Struggling against the bonds of religion.
I did not want people to start seeing,
My ****** "sin", fragile as a caged pigeon.

I cut into my wrists,
Hoping for some truth to seep out,
Every day I encountered lists,
Of similar youth who "noped" out.

God hated me, that I believed,
He wanted me to bleed then die,
I knew not how to be relieved,
Knowing my pigeon would never fly.

But as the abused grow tired of abusers,
I became tired of God,
Whom dealt me a life of users,
A life significantly flawed.

My situation was not enough,
For the pain did not end with abuse, or cutting,
He dealt me the deaths of three I loved,
Set on the task of my gutting.

Or so I believed at the time,
When God harbored within me.
When mythology guided my climb,
When I remained unfree.

I threw off the shackles of religion,
No fictional being could **** my pigeon.
What God would put me through all that,
Then proceed to bless a sewer rat.

What God would **** children,
What God would **** children?
You do not have an answer.
Why do children die to cancer?

I will respect you,
But I will not share your belief.
Too much pain, for me and others,
It continues to daily reap.

I have grown,
Yet people think I have fallen.
I have known,
Yet I am tired of calling.

A smile is on my lips,
While a hole is in my soul;
I'll laugh for the moment,
But cry when I'm alone.

My mask is perfect,
Deceiving all who see.
They think I am content,
Cannot hear my silent plea.

If I am hurting,
You will never know.
My mask is unwavering,
Blow after blow.

Poetry is a complex expression,
Used to erase our present reality;
It can't properly represent
Or even explain mortality.

It is beautiful even when morbid,
Appealing even when distressing;
It goes to work on life's issues,
Caressing and confessing.

It makes my soul happy,
These words written in emotional haste,
Serving to remove my soul from
This unchanging place.

Our flaws make us who we are,
At least, that is what I am told.
But if I wanted to change my flaws,
Would you deem that too bold?

I feel quite dismal, when I gaze.
When I look into the mirror.
My face is not astounding,
I see very little, I fear.

When I search my soul,
I also see little beauty there.
I think that if I could read thoughts,
I'd learn that few actually care.

My flaws do not make me happy,
They seek my constant attention.
I have flaws that are hidden,
Ones that I dare not mention.

I will change what I can,
That is all that I can do.
After that, I will accept the rest,
Then maybe I won't be quite so blue.

I will paint scarlet skies blue,
Until the blood fades away.
Replace the smog with grass,
Replace tears with trees that sway.

I will sing a cheerful song,
As chaos screeches into the air.
Breathe in oxygen where before
My lungs were bare.

I fell in love with the idea of death;
A knife became my best friend,
And despite my goodness,
I wanted my life to end.

Sensitive by nature,
I cannot understand.
The hatred that people feel,
The answers they demand.

If you could see my soul,
You would live in shock;
Believe me, my friend,
I wish I could turn back the clock

A road that never ends,
Is terrifying to travel.
Will I be born anew,
Or will my mind unravel?

You have existed seventeen years,
And blossomed into a man of integrity.
The seasons pass, but you remain grand.
Your kindness and warmth bless this land.

Seventeen years, a tiny fraction of time,
Yet your decency resonates like a chime.
Your arms have been my anchor these years,
Your mind open to me, you have listening ears.

I am stunned by your resilience.
For it speaks of your love for life.
You do not realize how much you love this place,
For it has caused those tears on your face.

Continue growing, my resilient flower,
My resilient man of power.
I will love you for all of infinity,
This connection the boldest of affinities.

Happy birthday, you have aged one more year,
And you grow wiser with each day.
I love you, my handsome prince,
You and I are here to stay.

Silence fills this space,
Tears tickling my face.
No words leave my lips,
A beat my heart skips.

Memories flash before my eyes,
Family, love, unbreakable ties.
The world has gained weight,
When this boy met this fate.

But these memories might fix the balance,
Of having lost a boy of many talents.
I live them each day now,
Even as I question, "How?"

Love does not die.
Nor family.
It will survive
This tragedy.

I might as well not speak,
For my words are heard by none.
Yet I will always listen,
For silence seems to stun.

This life is yours.
Cradle it in your palm.
Build your own doors.

Your appearance is yours.
Your personality is yours.
Your mind - yours.

Reach for the stars.
I know it can be hard.
But never stop reaching far.