Every meal is hard to swallow With you present at the table My stomach rumbles Yes, in pain The swifty of my ways I absolutely hate eating with you Yearn to I do, retch The unpleasant time In which should be my fathers My hero, NO MATTER WHAT You take his place at the table But never, will you EVER have a place in my heart Ruined it you have for yourself Many not once a time including grandmother, has she despised you.
You're folding up inside yourself Afraid of your own flesh You're deprived, emaciated Cheekbones like craggy cliffs Vertebrae like a mountain ridge Hipbones like sharp rocks
You're a skeleton covered in tissue paper Sallow, sunken, and gaunt A member of the undead, stop there Your sickness is infectious As armies of your ideology invade At the dawn of a new year of hope
You lost your reason Stomach like an haunted cave Joints like arthritic boulders Shoulders like burned forests
Your hair and blood are thinning I'd catch you when you faint If I believed you were there If I believed you were more than air Do your muscles stand out When they're exposed? Because you can't even lift a fork
When you smile, your teeth Consume your face with starvation The gums have receded From within their sockets your eyes Stare with their mad zeal of apathy
You have the spindly fingers Brought to life from a child's nightmare With each movement Your tendons dance revoltingly Under that thin membrane
I think I could call you hideous The way you hide under your limp hair The way you spread your contagious rot The way you refuse to live, you're A repulsive idol inviting in Tiny creatures that live in your closet That crawl inside your clothes Under your skin Devour your appetite, your cheer, They took everything I loved about you
I am broken Like a carousel that's off its axis. I am lost, Because I have to figure out how to fix a shattered mind with no blueprints for what a stable one looks like. I am hopeless In a world that shoves happiness and recovery down my throat anyway. I am someone Who lives only for the sake of others Who mistakenly believe I can be saved. I am soulless For all that I feel Because none of those emotions touch me deep enough to pull me out of this void I am living in. I am. Dying And already dead inside.
I have journal prompts given to me by my therapist and the first was, "Who am I?"
Rounded child sits at the mirror pressing, poking fat rolls tummy spilling out over the jeans she wore and cried. Goddess Ana came down from the clouds and stood behind the child wiping the tears from her watery green eyes and said 'there is a way' and so the child let this goddess control her life and ultimately in the end she was just another sacrifice to this Goddess Ana.
Through and through my mother is anorexic You would be too if your environment was toxic I can’t help but be sad when I come home late at night And she’s asleep on the couch with tear stains from a fight I bring back food from the restaurant I work at She says she can’t have it because she’s too fat Eventually she caves and I get her to eat Fish, broccoli, fries, and red meat She tells me it’s too late at night to eat snacks Although she’s a normal weight her bones still sound like they ***** It’s now 1 am and I go to turn off the tv She quickly wakes up and stairs blankly right at me “Leave it. And turn the heat on” She says to me, fighting a yawn Before I leave I notice the wrappers A caloric binge had clearly trapped her And tomorrow I’m sure the cycle will repeat As the image of my mother withers and retreats
Are you're doing it in a healthy way? Are you watching what you eat?
Yeah.. That's why I didn't have a bun with dinner.
What I didn't tell her is that watching what I eat means watching what i would normally eat sit on the shelf watching what i would normally eat go to others watching what i would normally eat shrink off my body
She says I've gotten smaller My coworkers say I've gotten smaller
I don't see it
When someone asks if I've eaten I just avoid the topic or say I've had enough
If someone is concerned I laugh and say "I'm back on my anorexic *******"
We grew up together Two peas in pod You were my sidekick and I was yours My one true platonic soulmate
So how did I let this happen? How did I not know what was Happening behind the four walls of your mind. Behind the baggy sweaters that Were suddenly "fashionable" all year round.
But if I think back carefully Maybe I didn't miss it Maybe I just ignored it
Ignored how when you got back from your Summer in France the snug hoodie I gave you Was no longer very snug But rather hung like an ornament On the thin frame of your body
Or how your legs began to resemble sticks With a thigh gap most girls would die for. Maybe I should have known the first time You refused to eat your favourite ice cream (chocolate mint chip) because calories!
When you told me you were in hospital You said you were sick But not in the way I thought you were Because you didn't have chicken pox Or pneumonia or bronchitis You were sick in way that was much more twisted You had a sickness of the mind One that toyed with your thoughts And messed with your sense Until your body was wasting away.
I must admit at first I was angry Because how could you keep this from me I was your best friend and You never told me your biggest secret However then I was shocked I could not understand how you were in so much pain And yet I did not know. How had I cried for months Proclaiming pain and suffering That I believed no one could relate too And yet here you were Silently proclaiming the exact pain .