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:(:
Raquel Butler Sep 2018
:(:
It is dark
there is not enough sun here
to make you feel okay again
and you may be in the sunshine state
but your insides are the deep hollowed
the shadows cast on the cement
there is no reprieve
there is no intermission
there is just tired and exhausted and
falling too many times to count
constantly spiraling
constantly finding ways to survive
through this cycle
through this rough patch
it's the third time this week you've
cried yourself to sleep and its
only Tuesday morning
but somehow you remember that
even with each breaking feels like
so ******* close to the edge
that even though each falling feels
like you might never breathe again
somehow you remember that you
have been here so many times before
and there may be no reprieve
and there is definitely no intermission
but even though tired and exhausted and falling
you have survived this far
you may not be sure you'll ever
make it out of the shadows
but you're pretty **** sure
you'll keep on surviving anyway
this is about my personal experience with "depression"
#1
Raquel Butler Dec 2016
#1
He tells me:
" ***** yourself with a needle,
   it will have the same effect"


As if I am trying to harm myself.
He does not understand
this does not hurt me,
at least not physically.

It has become a joke now
  - but I'm not laughing.
It isnt funny,
it isnt a joke.
His ignorance sears into me,
he thinks I have forgotten
I have not.
this is a poem about a comment someone made about my trichotillomania.
Raquel Butler Jan 2017
It is tranquil here
Everything silent the air is clear
Unlike the deafening roars
Ringing in my ears.
My vision has begun
To blur
To disappear
A half-drunken cup of coffee sits on the table
Just beyond my reach
A black fur ball curled beside me
Her gentle even breaths
Soothing my own.
I am at home in the gentle whir of the ceiling fan
In the darkness
In the purple half-moons that encompass my honey eyes.
I am at home in this silent chaos
Yet I wish to be elsewhere,
Among the wild city that never sleeps
Or the roaring oceans down the street
Or high in the clouds above
Anywhere beyond my
cautious, safe room.
But a wish is not an action,
And I am too tired to get up.
Raquel Butler Nov 2016
you hold yourself in this sort of trance,
eyes expressive but body no stance,
a fascinating event to see:
how your mind wanders valleys
but your body never leaves.
lol
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
I've been wondering how to put this into words for months,
the aching feeling of missing something you haven't quite experienced,
how to long for something like you've had it before but never have,
I've come to the conclusion that I'm either suffering from a mild case of 'your crazy',
or the much realer and scarier version of my thoughts,
I have become homesick of a home I have yet to venture to,
and after much thought I feel this must be true,
but the scary thing is that I still have not a clue what to do.
Raquel Butler Aug 2018
I find it oddly reassuring,
to consume art that consists of sorrow.
The ability to create from a place of
deep distress,
to put words to feelings that go unnoticed.

There is comfort in knowing that
you are not alone in this,
that there are some who feel
the plight in your bones.
To not shy away from the hurt
that you feel,
To look inside yourself and
find that you are
not always happy to be here.

There is comfort in acknowledging
that you have been broken,
in understanding all the ways in
which you have been seared into.

Once you have felt comfort in
your darkest depths,
Once you have faced what has
pained your soul,
This is when you can finally
begin to heal.
Raquel Butler Apr 2017
Just beyond the lapping water I lay
upon the sand
a book in hand
-of words much like my own.
Though style, thoughts, and construction unique
the form (poetry) is all so familiar and warm
like home.
How much ive grown
-from the days I’d only consume literature of tales I could dream of.
Now my taste has grown much more keen,
an eye for insight so far unseen.
Answers of which I doubt Ill find,
though nonetheless I value
like friends of mine.
And in this moment near days end
the wind is blowing
my hair on end
A shift I notice:
The way my skin gleams in the low hung sun
The way my shadow perfectly eclipses the soft sand
The way I feel so very content in the moment.
A shift I notice:
How the day has gone well
How I feel so so swell
How I smile for no reason at all.
And just for now I savor,
I see,
The world (and me) are rolling, crashing, upon the shore,
Symbiotically.
*things are looking up
today was such a good day.
Raquel Butler Feb 2016
My anger shows in tears,
it's the rains of the rainforest,
the torrential downpours of a monsoon,
the floods of a hurricane,
it brings destruction in its wake,
and it brings renewal.
eh, this was okay....
Raquel Butler Sep 2017
I guess we never had a resolution, no obvious end. I never was quite sure whether to be happy or sad.
Now I know,
I am angry I am furious I can't even formulate just how heartbroken I am.

Losing you was losing the one person who kept me sane, you understood where I stood…or so I thought.
And friendships are never 50/50 that I understood quite well, when we first met I was there for you with everything I was there
And yet I can't say the same for you.
I always pulled my 80/20 without complaint because I wanted you to be there; alive and well.

But so it seems, I couldn’t be given the same courtesy. Because when I was lying on my bathroom floor about to down a bottle of pills you weren’t there, and you weren’t there when I needed to release my thoughts, and you weren’t there you weren’t ******* there.

Apparently when I gave you my all my love apparently when I allowed myself to be drained of everything that was me Apparently that wasn’t enough to convince you I was worthy of you, apparently I hadn’t done enough to be able to fall apart within your grasp and for you to ******* notice and not let me shatter on the floor. Apparently, I wasn’t clear enough when I said I wanted to die.

And now I’m destroying everyone I love because nobody ever taught me how to love that.

And now I’m destroying myself because nobody ever taught me to love that either.
Now that that's sorted I can focus on other feelings I've been ignoring :)
Raquel Butler Jul 2016
Why don't you talk more?
well... you see i-i
You're so quiet, you probably hate everyone.
no actually, i prefer to observe due to my crippling anxiety but-
You're getting so red, calm down!!
i'm trying to, but I'm having trouble catching my breath...
I always used to think you were a *****, but you're actually really nice!
thanks...I think?
So, do you wanna hang out this weekend?
sure let me just check with my mom
You ready to go?
uh actually my mom needs me at home, I'm so sorry!
Hey, we haven't talked in forever we need to hang soon.
yeah let me know when
TBH we used to be close, but idk what happened...
yeah, I really miss you :(
a dialogue- internal reaction poem about how my anxiety often pushes people away
Raquel Butler Jul 2017
All I hear is you you you
and never of me me me.
Never an I’m sorry,
Never an apology.
You speak of what I’ve done to you,
but what you’ve done to me?
I’m sorry I've hurt you,
*but are you sorry you’ve hurt me?
As always, I let the "art" speak for me.
Raquel Butler Feb 2016
My eyes watch the camera reel,
hollow and hawkish,
unfocused, unreal,
I try to grasp the meaning here,
sullen and sarcastic,
illusive, instilled,
Forgotten fragments that don't seem to meld,
jutting and jagged,
reclusive, revealed,
The lens of life,
false and fibbed,
lost, lurid,
paltry and pitiable.
Basically, how I feel on a normal day (disassociation!!).
Be
Raquel Butler Jul 2014
Be
Be Brave and Be Outspoken,

Be Beautiful and Be Wise,

Be Stubborn and Be Heroic,

Be Rebellious and Be Crazy,

Be Strong and Be Kind,

because at the end of the day,

when all is said and done,

you will have no regrets.
Raquel Butler Dec 2016
And maybe it was supposed to end like this.
Maybe right when I figured out what I was feeling you were supposed to move on.
Maybe
- it doesnt hurt any less.
You claim to need me,
but lately I feel us drifting.
You claim to care,
but you dont even see me breaking.
Im holding everyone together,
stitching up everyones wounds.
Im trying to glue you all up,
patch up every hole smooth.
Im trying to keep everyone
-from falling to pieces.
But me?
Im already shattered on the floor.
Nobody notices,
Im losing myself in all your tears.
Im losing myself in everyones fears.
Maybe you will see it,
the way my eyes glisten,
the way my body trembles.
Maybe you'll notice the black holes
in place of my eyes,
lack of sleep,
death.
I hope so,
I hope somebody see's.
I hope somebody cares enough to mend me up.
For now I just keep losing myself,
in everyone else.
12/15/16 @ 3:30 am.
Raquel Butler Sep 2017
I think I'm going crazy
Everything is feeling hazy
I try to bathe in the sun
-it seems I only **** the light out of it.
This whole-bodied numbness
is getting too unbearable
struck by moments of suffocating panic
I can't even remember my own name
It hurts.
How can one live in a world filled with nothing but pain?
When I scream for help and nobody answers?
I know I'll talk myself down for now
but this time feels all too real.
When I become nothing but a past-tense
everyone will become all too familiar with my name
everyone will become all too familiar with my pain
but no one will have done a thing to help.
I see no future here...
Raquel Butler Sep 2016
Its been a cloudy day for a few years,
the sun and the darkness alternating presences,
Some days its stormy like death,
Others is dull and expressionless.
Oh, but there are sunny days too!
Accompanied by light coverage clouds, the day still has some gloom.
I wish this cloud would go away, it brings so much rain and lightning
without notice
and leaves without a trace.
But soon the next cloud rumbles in,
and exhaustive cycle that never ends.
If you can read between the lines you'll probably get the poem.
Raquel Butler Mar 2015
You wonder why I won't stop,
But do you wonder why I ever started?
Do you ever wonder how I feel?
Do you ever wonder if I have tried?
Do you ever wonder that I have cried?
Do you ever wonder that I almost have died?
Do you ever wonder why I have survived?
Do you ever for a second wonder that I can't?
Do you ever wonder?
You wonder not.
Feeling really down today. This has been a nice release.
Raquel Butler Apr 2017
I know
I shouldn't feel guilty for putting myself above you.
but lately, I've felt regretful
questioning my reasoning, my sanity, because I need you
(no)
I told you all my truth
everyone views her victim
to my crazy mind, that can't decide,
(you run when things aren't easy)
-and now I've begun to believe them.
I thought we could be friends
I apologized for your jealousy
made it all my fault (I should've known)
it was too easy.

Communication was key,
she said she got the memo
but she's been assuming things she doesn't know
and I've been feeling dreadful.
(stop)
I know she is affected by my actions,
believe me, I know too well,
and maybe this is me overthinking things,
after all I am sick in my head.

If only she knew the way you claw into my brain
(about her) everytime of everyday
I'm exhausted of the way you make me feel
Because one minute I feel just fine
and another I feel fried
im not free.

(you made her kryptonite to me,
but you are me
and this is more than just exhausting,
its deadly)
dealing w mental illnesses that cause you to toxically obsess over those you love, make interactions with them toxic to you. so so so fun!
Raquel Butler Oct 2016
Amid such choruses of desire there she spun,
dressed in tulle long hair undone.
She waltzed and twisted upon the crowd,
what an effortless aura that she endowed.
And when she came to pause before you,
her copper eyes oh how they stunned you.
And in the final moments of thy ball,
She danced away through the parties throng.
Raquel Butler Apr 2016
The daydream comes in waves,
exasperated kisses,
lips so soft and sweet,
the way you drag them down my neck,
I bite my lip and breathe in,
impatient now,
waiting for you to continue,
waiting for the next wave.
wow this is a ***** poem lol, was just inspired by a Tumblr pic tho....
Raquel Butler Dec 2015
Frequently I find myself unable to complete everyday tasks,
it is like my brain has made it harder to do anything,
it is like i am unable to compel myself to even get up.

It happened suddenly,
like a lightning bolt liquid and lashing,
a sand storm deadly and unexpected.

Sleep became a luxury,
Screens became a necessity,
and school became a maybe.

I would long for the days that a liquid gold would seep through my veins and give me anything, any ounce of energy to complete daily tasks.

Even as I sit writing this my body has successfully avoided clean dishes, doing laundry and completing schoolwork.

I know I need to change,
I want to change,
But I have no idea how to get out of this mental cage of misery that holds me.
idek im not even diagnose with anything (because my parents wont let me go to a Dr) but I think theres something wrong with me for real.
Raquel Butler Apr 2016
But honestly,
Who are you?
I'm stuck here pondering,
did I ever really get you?
All the time in the world has passed,
why the **** am I not over you?
Still thinking of the could've and the would've,
and why cant I just hate you?
To be honest Im just done with you
your mind was never with it.
You said you loved me in the end,
then why is my heart twisted?
Confusion envelopes my clouded brain,
and while im still stuck loving,
did I ever actually love you or were we actually nothing**?
still some smoke left...
Raquel Butler Apr 2016
I burn everything I touch,
without intention,
without prejudice,
without control,
I burn everything,
even myself.
me me me lol sorry i just ruined something and I hate myself!!!
Raquel Butler Nov 2017
I am so much more than I ever expected to be
Despite drowning in this insufficiency
A chorus of deafening inadequacy
Proving myself and others wrong,
So deliciously

I never expected to be so far
I expected to be much farther
I never expected to be alive
I expected to be demising

I know I’ve hurt
I know I’ve broken others
I know I’ve bruised
I know I’ve used others

Regretful I suppose
No
Just reactionary behavior

And I have succumbed to my darkest depths
Though they have never won
And I have fallen back 12 steps
Yet still, I scale the rungs

So when I say “I’ve given up”
Never do believe me
I am capable of getting up
Love, I’m just that crazy.
I mean it was inspired by you, but like also I needed this anyway.
Raquel Butler Sep 2017
If I knew then
What I know now?
That my words were safe in you
That my heart was safe with you
That I had little to fear but myself
If I knew then
What I know now?
I would have said it all
I would have given you my heart
I wouldn’t have hesitated trusting you
If I knew then
What I know now?
Oh but I knew,
I knew, I knew
,
You had me from the start.
Raquel Butler Oct 2014
Its 1:31 AM, I’m awake on a Sunday night having just finished a sad movie. I must be an emotional wreck because I usually don’t write like this unless I feel deeply sad in my heart. Its weird how its touch and go, how one minute I’m sad and the next I’m nervously smiling watching the crowd in a nostalgic happiness. For some odd reason I’m crying, earlier today I was at a concert, and then afterwards my mother brought me to an over 21 bar. I’m barely over 17, and I realized in that moment next year I would be an adult. A free, unbounded, set on adventures full blown adult; and yeah I felt excited but the worst part was that unbearable scariness clenching my soul telling me unknown is upon me. I’m very odd like that; while my exterior emanates pure bliss my interior can have a billion thoughts of terror and fear of the unknown, a silent battle on a happy vessel.  I’m trying to keep it together here, but here I am almost 2 am on a school night crying my eyes out for nothing and poring my heart out into a poorly written letter to myself. I’ll probably stay up all night because at this point will be extremely tired either way. Sometimes I regret ever taking AP and honors classes, they take up so much of my vacant time, and I always end up procrastinating till the end of me and it hurts so bad. One day I think the stress will be all too much for me, I’ll have pulled out all my eyelashes, picked off every last bump, and silently cried my last tear, and I’ll just vanish into an endless sea of sleep. I hope that never happens though, because for some odd reason I always seem to thrive in these stressful times, I mean sure my coping mechanisms stress me out even more but I survive. I hope the next time I feel like writing it won’t be spur of the moment 2 am because I really need my beauty sleep. It goes without saying that I am a very shallow *****, I am rude and arrogant and intelligent and annoying, but without any of those qualities my life would be impossible. I probably would’ve offed myself by now if I didn’t have a way to cope, if anyone who knows me is reading this you should know how deeply sad I am yet how unbearably happy I am at the same time. I love the time when I wake up and I just want to roll over and sleep again, the moment when my whole outfit screams my name and I feel the best kind of sexiness, when I finally get that math problem or I am full speed ahead in all my classes, you have no idea how happy I am when I hang out with a family member or on rare occasions a friend. How sad it makes me when my sister pushes me around, yet how happy I am that she is still to date my best most wonderful friend in the entire world and there is no way that I would ever be able to survive without her in my life. Now I’m a sobbing mess, over a rude sister, wow how ******* my perspectives of the world are. There is no way I would trade her for anything in the world, her natural beauty and grace, her constant fighting spirit, and her wonderful and unattainable intelligence because there is no way I will ever be as smart as her and no matter what I will always look up to and in to her. This is not a love letter, more a jumbled mess of sad and happy words all mixed together desperate to sort itself out. Scared of the future yet so unbearably yearning for it, what a terribly numb life it hurts so bad it makes me happy to be alive. I could be a sullen gloomy mess of a girl yet my life revolves around the simple fact that I am happy, and no matter what diagnosis or what condition I will always be happy.
Raquel Butler Feb 2015
It's whatever I say,
Just to get through the day,
In my jaded view,
My problems diminish into blurs,
Its whatever.
Raquel Butler Sep 2019
I want to be your best friend
I want to lay on our backs staring at the ceiling
talking about everything and nothing
contemplating the meaning of life
thinking about what we had for breakfast
and remembering what we did last summer.
I want to be your best friend
I want to show up unannounced
and be welcomed home
invited to the dinner table
asked how my family is doing
fitting in right where we left off.
I want to be your best friend
I want to say whatever is on our mind
to be light and unrestrictive
hold your hand when you’re sad
calm you down when you're upset
wipe your tears and make you laugh right after
forever.
I want to be your best friend
I want to be your best friend
I want to be your best friend
Raquel Butler May 2016
2 am eyes open wide,
thinking about my life.
Silence envelopes my mind,
just me and the night sky for a while.
I wander near your angel face,
but you're sound asleep and I'm in the nights embrace.
Sometimes I wish that this would change,
but it's just me & the night for the rest of my days.
Raquel Butler Dec 2015
Do you listen?
Do you hear?
Do you watch closely your peers?

I can see them,
I can hear.
I can listen for their fears.

Do you focus?
Do you try?
Do you struggle in your life?

I know struggles,
I know strength.
I know the worries of a day.

Do you wonder?
Do you cry?
Is it hard to empathize?

I can't help them,
I can't cry.
I am haunted by their eyes.

Do you worry?
Do you sigh?
Do you struggle with the lies?

I do worry,
I do sigh.
I do struggle with the lies.

Do you hear the drum beat beat?
Do you hear the girls quiet screams?

I can hear them,
I can see.
I can fear them for they torture me.

Do you question?
Do you hear?
Do you push for truth among your peers?

Please I urge you,
hear the cries.
Please I urge you,
watch the eyes.
Raquel Butler Feb 2016
It's in the air,
It's in her hair,
It's in her eyes,
In her veins,
In her clothes,
In her lips,
In her heart,
In her soul,
It's in her.
Love is in her.
I'm trying to write poetry more, so it might not all be that good...
Raquel Butler Apr 2017
It’s odd
To be so intensely connected with one self’s interior…
To constantly bathe in past memories like sepia coated 60s reel…
To flip through emotions, cataloging their density yet being unable to see through the great complex field…
How does one have the entire plot?
How does one have all the development?
Yet lack the ability to articulate a proper character analysis?
It seems almost nonsensical,
To have all the experience but none of the memories.
Is it the time, a track not run all the way through?
Or is it a common oversight, a piece just out of view?
All this musing feels a bit inane,
These cyclical thoughts nearly driving me insane.
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
I don't want normal
and easy and simple,
I want a painful,
difficult, life changing
devastating, passionate
extraordinary life.
Raquel Butler May 2016
The silence beams from the moons iridescent rays,
gentle paws pad up my bed to lay,
a calming ambience I pray will stay,
but once again the voices flow my way.

12 am the door creaks wide,
at first, your love is seen in wide smiles and open stares,
your kisses like a miracle to my tired exhausted eyes,
prayers creep up my tongue unable to even register my own voice in the midst of this loving embrace,
but still, I know what's coming.

I am unable to enjoy your love at this hour,
unable to see what you see or feel what you feel
because oh lord I know what's coming.

As his adoration waivers and his thunder settles in a storm is coming.
Your tears spill showers, rolling down broken hills unable to end because the words you hear so cruel you have begun to believe, yet still... you love him.

As your voices intertwine like grapes on a vine, beauty and magnificence I cannot seem to find because I know what's coming.
Your heart swells wide with hope inside, I search desperately to find where it hides, you see I know what's coming.

These brains are spun on drunken dreams, you look to him with such love it's unimaginable to conceive how the man who receives is him.
And when the voices scream, the streams become oceans filling up your hollowed valleys.

And they don't subside, not until the red grapes bloom a corsage on your cheekbones, anger lost in translation as love. And when you die a little bit inside, still you don't seem to find what's coming.

When your oceans become mine, my whimpers become a crime,
because somehow his love becomes more important than mine,
just please find inside what's coming.
A "spoken" word about stuff. Finally edited it, if you have any edit suggestions or anything let me know, my work is never complete.
Published 5/2/16
Raquel Butler Jul 2016
Under vibrant disco beams,
I became something you believed.
I stole your love and trust,
ran away with it in the night,
as we danced and danced.
But as the sun came up and dusk became dawn,
you realized who I was,
not a lover, not someone you should trust.
yet you still did...
Raquel Butler Oct 2015
And I can't figure out
why you're still on my mind
after all this time.
Raquel Butler Jun 2016
you:
humor used to disguise,
your vacuous lies,
a smile seemingly bright,
a knife stabbing my insides.

sarcasm used to disguise,
my wrung out insides,
chopped cropped lob,
cleansing me of your scorn.
me:
read it either way, it makes more sense top to bottom tho
Raquel Butler Apr 2017
Listen* to your father they'd say,
Make sure you seek father's approval,
Respect your father,
Never talk back to father.
Even if he is wrong, obey your father.
Father knows *best.
Or does he?
Raquel Butler May 2016
you forced my hand,
every time was like loving sand.
so now i have to go,
now i have to say no.
o**h, but it *hurts.
anyways, this is a continuation from Yes? No? posted a few months ago on here.
Raquel Butler Jul 2014
People are not flat and uninteresting,
they are more than their sexuality,
more than their race or ethnicity,
they are more then  their diseases and their disorders,
a person should not be judged based on a single factor of their lives,
they shouldn't be hated for loving a show or finding comfort in reading something you may not particularly care for at all,
people are more than their singular qualities,
People are complex,
People are beautifully and undeniably complex in a thousand bound and unbound wires that knot and twist and turn to form a being,
People are not these things at all,
People are these things as a whole.
forgive me i was crying writing this
Raquel Butler Aug 2017
I have so much to write about
yet nothing to write.
My fingers yearn for the feeling
of the keyboard
of an ebony pen
yet my mind does not deliver.
Like a misfire,
like a limb long since missing
writing has become a
foreign name
I can only remember.
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
Don't be fooled by my ability to resist,
I might have never gave into the monster,
but I always gave it a dance.
Raquel Butler Jun 2016
The sunday quiet eases my mind,
a welcome vacancy of thought spirals.
In the distance a soft tune plays,
music spins in and out of my space.
It fills my limbs from head to toe
spouting from my lips, my eyes, my-
my music spins me into a daze
and trance unlike a hypnotic phase.
The sun beams high from its sunday spot,
the clouds are fluffy, light, and white.
And as the music blooms to peak,
the lapping blue envelopes my cheeks.
I float in absence of the my weight,
absolute serenity claims a stay.
Its clear blue sheen brings peace to mind,
like I could drown here and still not die.
Its weightlessness drenches my hair,
yet when i shift into the air,
the weight is heavier so much there.
I intake life and fall to the floor,
the most abnormal experiences
are felt under this blue shore.
My body trembles as reality shakes,
my breathe is leaving,
to the surface or to a calmer place?
A disturbance by the door I hear,
gentle giggles of my sisters near,
I gasp for air as the bubbles explode,
This sunday warmth is toxic yet not loathed.
the innocent testing of my breathe holding abilities + sundaze
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
It was something I never expected,
and island has become two,
the waters a nervous calm,
two flags waving proudly one in the same
yet the same become different,
The birds silently wait for the chirps of its old playmate,
waiting for something that doesn't seem to come,
so for now its on to the next,
on to find solace in an unexpected old,
or become one with an imperfect new.
It's not to late to prevent an end, it never is......
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
And for some reason, I can't make myself prioritize.
So I wind up reading web sites during the time I should be writing, writing while I should be sleeping,
and sleeping while I should be in class.
And making the "smart" list.
And continuing on the same dreaded path I've been on since middle school, when I first realized I could get away with this.
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
There are two sides to this eternal battle,
the beauty and the brains,
I once thought that I would be happy with the beauty,
but once i grew and became blessed with this gift it felt like something
I hadn't earned but quite like something i received in an unfair game of "whats your number",
I began to feel different then the rest of my crowd,
I began to lust and think and want and see things in a new light,
I had become an outcast
Trapped in a strange paradox known as the in between
somehow I left behind my beauty but still retained it and went in search of the brain,
I have yet to collect all the pieces of this masterpiece,
but in a strange irony I had begun to realize the Eternal Battle isn't a Battle between people and people,
but it is a struggle between self and self,
once you come to accept the gift of the struggle the struggle becomes you in a way that only you can decide is true to you.
Raquel Butler Aug 2017
Sometimes I feel like it's all just a game in my head.
I go from moments of intense emotion
to nothingness,
and when I finally feel okay
the cycle starts all over again.
And I can't keep these lightning shifts
to myself,
so I end up ruining everything
and everyone else.
And even when I recognize the behavior,
it shifts to a seemingly more innocent danger.
I can't help it,
and I can't victimize,
so I'll just make everyone hate me
so I'll just make everything die.
I don't think this is complete but I feel too numb to write anything good right now so this will have to do until I revisit it :)
Raquel Butler Jul 2016
I know I've said it,
a million times before,
I'll stop this time,
next time,
just once more.

I know it's hard
to believe me
when every time I'm good,
my mentality starts to plummet,
once more becomes
next year.

I know you want to see me succeed,
but it's hard when
every time I do,
you see no success,
you see no change,
my failures become the truth.

I know,
I really do.
But the last time
becomes the next time
all because of you.
relapsing it fun! <<sarcasm
Raquel Butler Apr 2017
It's hard to admit at times,
how deep I've sunk.
When it all began
I thought I was manipulative
smart;
the way I could "pretend" not to care
so I could escape the shipwrecks I  inspired.
At the time I was so preoccupied with my fears
to notice just how much I'd disappear
It seems so inexplicable to care all too much
and suddenly
swiftly
so terrifyingly numb.
And sometimes it's everything
in every wake of blood coursing through my veins
the fear
the numbness
the pain
draining to vacuity, to ruin,
And in the waves bring immeasurable unease
disrupting an ocean of deafening speechlessness.
Some days are easier,
calmer,
some days are ******* impossible.
And always it seems much easier
to rest,
to sleep,
to collapse into the foamy rapids,
then to swim against the riptide;
And despite the efforts I've drawn in sand
the allure of the sea floor is present at all times.
But it always gets better,
though admittingly this bubble is hard to remember.


*In constant flow the sea is me,
chaotic, dark, free,
and so devistatingly beautiful,
a never ending cycle of
birth and death and continuity.
I started this at 12 am on April 14th and edited it and reconstructed it at 3 am April 15th (as you can see I work best in the twilight). I'm not sure if this piece is quite done, or if there will be a continuation of some sort, but here is something that represents my constantly shifting headspace. Enjoy.
Raquel Butler Jan 2018
At this age you should be fine
You have a job and some friends and a lover
don't mention the classes your taking this semester
Its been at least 10 years since it ended
you can't quite remember the details of when
You've been trying to forget for so long
its like forgetting a pop song
but this isnt some cheerful
or happy up beat
this isnt lryics you'd like to repeat
See a little boy thought you were a toy
doctor and marriage his
script to ensure you took the
part in his play
You took the bait and obeyed
as long as you were quiet
You could play with his games
You never knew quite the problem with the
noise
until you grew older and your throat grew
a boulder
your lungs filled half way permanently hindered
You began to wonder what you had done wrong
If you had taught him the unrepeatable song
the one your tongue tied can't sputter
mixed up words
to a horrible song you remember
on repeat in the back of
A brain so set on forgetting
but the radio only plays your unrepeatable
songs
so many versions you cant possibly
escape any longer
the words bubble up your half filled throat
threatening to explode
the words that won't sing
and maybe it happened and maybe you broke
and maybe the melody won't ever be known
but you're still on surviving
so let it be known:
you aren't what you've been through,
but what you become.
tw
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