This feeling,
of wavering uncertainty,
of overwhelming doubt and warning.
This feeling,
its whispering in my ear,
to run 100 yards in the opposite direction.
This feeling,
is grabbing my heart,
and squeezing it so tightly I don't know
whether I'm living or dying.
This feeling,
is playing all the right notes in my head,
despite every warning bell ringing in my ears.
This feeling,
this feeling is telling me to love,
to risk, to give, to trust, to taste
like never before.
This feeling,
is teaching me how to love you,
all in.

How does one go upon forgiving
something they never faced?
Avoidance is a forbidden fruit that yields
only bitter aftertaste.
Do we mislead to be okay,
just to elude the debates?
Do we ignore the pain,
just to keep up the harmonious masquerades?
And these contradictions we face:
Of loving someone so much we
disregard our own aches,
even when they are those causal to this fate.
This is a forgiveness we do not create,
this is remembering what we cannot erase.

I love you:
In that park on that bench
On those steps
At the corner of every ******* street
You are sweet nectar and everything feels
Like bitter aftertaste now
Under bright disco lights
To the tune of a melody
That blooms with longing
To be within reach
To be within earshot
To be without distance
Our love can withstand any measure
But my heart is heavy with missing you
And not just our sweaty tangled bodies
Desperate to please each other
Hungry kisses down to our cores
But all of you
The softness of our hands gently collapsing into each other
Like being elsewhere would **** us to an eternity apart
The softness of our bodies gently leaning into each other
Like support as if we where fragile vessels that would break
The softness of your love displaying in varying ways
Like each person received a unique part of you
Like everyone was special
Most of all I miss the gentle time we spent on the train in the city
An alliance of mutual love and adoration
I did my best to take it all in and stay present
But here we are a week later
And my memories are all I have
I miss you, I love you
Please come see me soon my love
I can’t bear to be apart so long.

I find myself unable to take myself seriously.
Meaningless words bubble from my lips like a spilt teapot consuming the unused space below,
My voice is eerily vacant of any tone,
any sign that I might feel alive is mute and unknown.
My writing filled with banal rhymes to appease my status quo.
Desperately my fingers fly across the keyboard desperate for some substance,
but all I hear is tap tap tap...then silence.
I suppose I could analyze the deeper meanings here, but my brain is hardwired to avoid my problems and all my analysis brings tears.
Because everything I see or touch or consume
reminds me of how my emptiness is a show
my feelings anchored to a place I do not yet know.

I tend to get lost some times,
not in a take a left turn and end up in the next state sense.
In the sense that I get distracted.

And by this I mean I get so attached to new interests and hobbies,
I immerse myself so fully other pieces that dont quite fit disintegrate.
In this sense: being so passionate about many things I lose myself in the process,
I take 12 left turns to get back to square one.

However I always find square one,
no matter how far I am from my original destination,
I always find a way to fit the pieces together so these aspects integrate.
But these moments are few and far between,
I am always disconnected finding my matching edges,
and there are times I try and cut my corners to mold myself into a puzzle.

It can be hard to see myself clearly in these moments,
I can seem distant and angry,
depressive and unnattached.

Because when your edges are being stuffed into a box to small or too large,
you struggle to find a sense of normalcy.
You're being pushed and pulled apart,
to fit a shade that isnt yours,
expecting to find a color that matches your tone.

But you will find your tone.
Maybe not today or next month,
or even in 5 years,
but puzzles were meant to be solved,
and nothings impossible if you just find the courage to keep trying.
You will find your edges,
your pieces will be one.

And who the hell was I?
I was a soft girl in armor sheets
hoping to be the one you'd seek.
I was gently crafted tea
just the right amount of bitter
- and sweet.
I was all dreams and no reality
my mind in constant flow
my life an artful mess
I suppose,
I was too much dreamy
and not enough girl
I was too much guarded
and not enough frail.
But,
I am enough now.
I am enough for me,
My mistake,
-and now I see
how I fell for all of you,
and you fell
for **half of me.

The world as i see it,
it may be to late,
suffering loudly but people ignore them,
emotional dagger's searing pain,
people are scared, angry, and hopeless,
people are helping but many are selfish,
most can not see past their safe house boundary,
thinking the world is at peace not in misery,
Wake up and see the real happenings of our globe,
Bullied people, Starving people,
They rely on the help of other's,
we rely on our job's we depend on our material's,
no one is at peace in this world,
a world filled with hatred, love, sadness, excitement and unhappiness,
Wake up,  See the world as it truly is,
see the unedited uncut version of how we are living,
we may see our country as healthy and rich,
but  many poor live in poverty here,
many unhealthy big and to small,
diseases are common but people frown upon mention,
people are constantly dyeing babies to elder's,
Wake up i beg of you,
see our world truly,
we all see it sometimes as awful and painful,
we regret what we've seen and remove it from memory,
even I even you have done these things,
how can we say we hate our life,
how can we want to **** ourselves,
when other have it worse,
living in poverty,
starvation and pain,
how can we think we have it at the worst when really we are much better off,
life does not make sense,
life can never be completely sorted out,
all problems will exist forever,
peace will never stay forever,
Wake up and see our world truly,
for if we wait to long,
if we think to hard,
if we shy away to much,
and ignore the more needy,
our world will very well be like theirs.

Ever since you came along
their light has dimmed
you are the sun.

My mind is chock-full of
love and literature
of music recommendations
of sleepless nights
of happiness and admiration,
and you
oh always of you.