"forgive them," they say.
"not for them, but for you."
"forgive but don't forget."
i never understood those lines.
why would i ever forgive you
for what you did to me?
for some peace of mind?
no, i don't think so.
it doesn't work like that.
not with you.
not with abuse.
forgiving your fake excuses
for all your permanent abuse
is something i can never justify.
and it will never bring me peace
no matter how hard i try.
i can't forgive you even if i wanted to.
but you don't deserve it anyway.
and i'm fine being resentful.
i have every right to be.
you strung me out
and pulled me apart thread by thread.
you bled me out and wrung me dry.
and forgiving you won't change a single thing.
it doesn't undo the damage thats been done,
and it doesn't stop future sleepless nights.
it does nothing but make it seem okay
for people to do what you did.
it does nothing but justify your actions,
actions which have no valid justification.
it does nothing but make me look weak
because i gave in and forgave someone like you
because the pain was too much for me to handle.
so i won't do that.
i refuse to be weak.
i will triumph despite the rage and pain,
and we will both die with this hatred in my veins.
- i will never forgive you.
June 17, 2019
I'm so worn out
So ******* torn
I can't comprehend
What it is that needs to be done
I become irrational
So carelessly unpredictable
I just want it to end
Though I know I ain't alone
People struggle and keep
Living with their own daily dose of ******* pains
But this is mine
This is my pain
And I just can't
No I can't
My head feels inflated
Like it's about to explode
I've forgotten how to breath
So why am I still alive
For ****'s sake is anyone out there
Sleeping on the same bed as I
A thousand knives underneath the bedsheets
Hey please do me a favor
Touch my shoulders
I don't feel them anymore
Close my eyes
Before I do something stupid
Something I'd never be able to take back
I'm not afraid of death
I just don't want to face tomorrow
It kills me to stay alive
Hush these words
My own double edged sword
Venting my heart through this kind of approach takes a good amount of weight off me
Find me, dear death, find me now,
I am not strong enough, I am not afraid enough.
Find me, near death, fight me then,
I am still not weak enough, I am still unprepared.
Find me, bleeding, find me broken,
I am just too wrong to see, I am blinded, I am ill.
He tells me:
" ***** yourself with a needle,
it will have the same effect"
As if I am trying to harm myself.
He does not understand
this does not hurt me,
at least not physically.
It has become a joke now
- but I'm not laughing.
It isnt funny,
it isnt a joke.
His ignorance sears into me,
he thinks I have forgotten
I have not.
this is a poem about a comment someone made about my trichotillomania.
Things I told you to keep
which were held so deeply to me
All you had to do was not to tell
yet you did and now it dwelled
You swore you never lie
cross your heart and hope to die?
You made yourself the devil slave
*unfortunately you'll be soon entering the purgatory grave!
— The End —