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Nadia May 2019
Shouldn't be in public
Not fit for company
Won't remember names
Might interrupt, awkwardly
Failed attempts at humour
You must hate me
Failed attempts at flattery
Please don't hate me
Didn't mean to say that
Small talk breakdown
Why am I still talking
Self sabotage takedown
Why am I still here
I'm the absolute worst
This shouldn't be so painful
I wish I wasn't cursed

NCL May 2019
Nadia Jul 2019
Anxiety knows the world is burning
   Even if we can't see the flames

Anxiety knows predators are out there
   Even if we don’t know their names

Anxiety knows bad luck happens
  Simply unfortunate events lay claim

Anxiety knows less about statistics
   And much about things that maim


NCL July 2019
Nadia Aug 2019
A broken maze hides inside my mind;
Revelers rambling round never find
The end - lacking signposts or guides,
They tread eternities while the exit hides

From echoing clatter to blinding roar,
From gentle pitter-patter to take no more,
Crowds mill through in groups and pairs;
The walls vibrate, as do I downstairs

Food trucks ply their bountiful snacks
Feeding frenzy, launching scent attacks;
The noxious steam combines to rise,
Waft out, confound and desensitize

Enclosed in walls impossible to climb
Trapped all together in layered time
The revelers begin to sway and swerve
Blundering on networks of frayed nerve

With no path to success or even escape
The horde begins to push and scrape
The walls - tremble, creak, quiver, quake;
The maze, my mind, my universe - break

NCL August 2019
Nadia Apr 2019
One foot in front of the other days
Long, slow and ponderous
Grey with clouds that rest
Heavy on my heart
And drag along behind
Nadia Jul 2019
Wiggle out the worries
Until the sky is full of furies,
The what ifs and might be’s
Swirling on a tight breeze

Tease out all the tension
Into the third dimension
Gather all the strands
Braided into supple bands

Navigate the nerves
Know their subtle curves
Tie each to a tension line
Watch the cords intertwine

Into a net, thrown in the air
Capture all the worries there
Pull the strings, cinch the net
What a fine price you'll get

NCL July 2019
#mh
Raquel Butler Nov 2017
I am so much more than I ever expected to be
Despite drowning in this insufficiency
A chorus of deafening inadequacy
Proving myself and others wrong,
So deliciously

I never expected to be so far
I expected to be much farther
I never expected to be alive
I expected to be demising

I know I’ve hurt
I know I’ve broken others
I know I’ve bruised
I know I’ve used others

Regretful I suppose
No
Just reactionary behavior

And I have succumbed to my darkest depths
Though they have never won
And I have fallen back 12 steps
Yet still, I scale the rungs

So when I say “I’ve given up”
Never do believe me
I am capable of getting up
Love, I’m just that crazy.
I mean it was inspired by you, but like also I needed this anyway.
Raquel Butler Aug 2017
Sometimes I feel like it's all just a game in my head.
I go from moments of intense emotion
to nothingness,
and when I finally feel okay
the cycle starts all over again.
And I can't keep these lightning shifts
to myself,
so I end up ruining everything
and everyone else.
And even when I recognize the behavior,
it shifts to a seemingly more innocent danger.
I can't help it,
and I can't victimize,
so I'll just make everyone hate me
so I'll just make everything die.
I don't think this is complete but I feel too numb to write anything good right now so this will have to do until I revisit it :)
Eileen Xu Nov 2016
There is no beauty
In the remains
Of crumbling human. Soft
Tissue upon bruise upon
Broken bone bending
Bending to fit the roses
Bleeding from open wound
Bending to chocolate
Mould seeping from every crack
And crevice.

There is no beauty
In mirrored shards of life
Sharp enough to tear
Through tendon, tearing
Through towns and cities built on
Misery and crushing grief
There is no beauty

No beauty
In glass tears from glass eyes
Crying fallen stars and supernovae
No beauty
In disembodied screams
Lungless cries
Say goodbye to your life
This is real life
There is no beauty in
My life
There is no beauty
In me.
A poem in which I try to tackle the romanticisation of mental illness. It is not a glamorous life, I'll tell you that much.
Eileen Xu Oct 2016
I feel
Disembodied
Dizzy bodied dizzy mind
Busy bodied to pass the time
Empty bodied empty mind.

I feel
A dulling ache beneath my veins
A seismic quake inside my brain
Collateral damage and no remains
Stay still -
And watch it wash like waves
Your cave, safe haven torn away

It plays -
In the places you called home
The heart that stutters between your bones
Silent, slowly, no-one knows.
The blows and bruises on your skin
It always finds some other way in
To make you feel
I feel.
16/10/16
Eileen Xu Oct 2016
Head collides
With solid stone
No this is not
Metaphorical

One two three
To slow the thoughts
Dancing out of reach
Metaphorical

Drip drip drip
My ****** tears
I wish it were
Metaphorical

Hold back the hurricane
Restrain the flow
Stem lava from
Spurting volcano

Float me a ring or
I'll sink in my raft
Oh how I wish I were
Metaphorical
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