He has words
Hiding in his mind
That he's ready to release
A jailbreak, another crime

But he chokes
The words fall
Back down his throat
He can't call

He can't speak
How the hell is he gonna pass his speech
His class looks
They all look up
Simultaneously closing their books

Another failure
Oh wow what a surprise
Contrary to behaviour
He can't talk, so who the f_ck's gonna play saviour?

I will

I'll say what he had to say
Seeing as how he can't say it in his place
Because his face
Is paralysed
As he looks up to the skies
Surprised
As deep inside his hope dies

Just like it did, that one day
When a strong current almost had him swept away
But a girl came to save him
So stunned by events his response was a grin
The situation grim
She calmly smiled back
Told him everything's okay, there's no pain, just relax

They spoke once the got back onto the shore
Laughing, pushed him, like "why'd you scare me for?"
Introduced each other, so close like sister and brother
In love with one another
But thinking the other doesn't feel that
Way

The last time they spoke, a warm summers night
He kissed her hand in polite mockery, said goodnight
Because to him you see, she was royalty,
And he truly believed
He'd see her soon
But was deceived

He was barely three blocks away,
So caught up in images of her face
He didn't hear her scream

Now every year, on a specific day
He says "Happy Birthday" above her grave
To a corpse rotting underneath, that felt no pain
But was blissfully unaware of his suffering

And every year would you believe he shed tears
This helplessness he felt became his biggest fear
It flowed through his veins, a part of his blood
So in his misery he was so often misunderstood

And nobody knew, because he didn't tell
Of that one day he fell from His Grace to burn in Hell
He felt guilty, despite his hands being clean
He wasn't the killer but was haunted by that scream

The one he never heard

So many people wander, suffering alone
With memories untold, oh so broken and cold
Believing, knowing, that no-one cares
As they huddle by a fire hoping for a share

A little piece of that place called Heaven
Hoping that when they go, sins'll be forgiven
And hoping it's soon, praying that they'll be taken
Don't mean to be rude but in my eyes they are mistaken

How can someone who suffers be sent to God?
So many suffer and I think He just forgot
To come back to us, he's abandoned us
All we need is someone to turn to, somebody to trust!

How can someone so innocent and so **** beautiful
Be taken so easily, misplaced, a broken tool
Who when smelted, smelted down in the flames of Death
Be truly at peace with their last breath?

And leave behind a legacy in just one's heart
That to this very day still shreds him apart?
When this happened back when I was just twelve
And deeper and deeper into my skin I delve

Trying to find an answer to this riddle
Clench my teeth, with a blade and with my nerves fiddle
Trying to dig her out, she left me helpless
And I cut myself, self-destruct because I was helpless!

Kids at school they still tease me
Bully me
Laugh at me
Just to make me angry
Like all I want is just to be happy
But can you be happy when others aren't happy with me?

These are the words he wanted to say
Didn't want a warm welcome or biblical praise
He's just another broken kid with words to rhyme
I hope you understand, and thank you for your time

"I'm in trouble aren't I?"
"You have no idea..."

"Wanna know something?"

"Are you going to say the same thing,
Like you do every time?
You know.. if you hadn't done this...
Sort of thing?

"Save your breath mate,
I've heard it all before
Why don't you say something new,
Instead of parroting the same **** every time?"

"Like seriously,
Why are you even talking to me?
You wanna gloat don't you?
"Haha, you've been caught and I win".

"Well ******* *******,
I'm not hearing it
Why don't you leave me alone
And go choke on a bucket of ****."

It's hard to tell your friends when you're feeling pretty bad
And elaborate on the situations that have made you sad
It's even harder to tell my Father just yesterday I felt like dying
Yet flawlessly and effortlessly I can tell my Psychologist without trying

It's ****** isn't it? That I trust a stranger more than the family
I grew up with, lived with, the worst parts of a better me
Some days I look around and ask myself if I am proud of
What I have achieved and whether or not it is enough

Satisfaction from the parts where I know I've done well
Disappointment at the aspects that will **** me straight to Hell
So I question life, I wield a knife, makes me so depressed I self-harm
So now you know why I bear the scars, up and down my arm

Fearing and seeing
Death, wars and bleeding
Hearts, lives receding
Like the tide
It's turning

Inside, it hurts
Painkillers don't work
Demons, in night, lurk
This fire is burning!

I will not die,
I will survive
Try my hardest
To live a life
Worth singing about!

Drowned out in music
F_ck it, let's do this
Flips up a hood
Burn the world, it's what's good!

Mesmerised, little flame
Life is one big game
Play it how you want
Just don't be mad when it's gone!

I will not die
I will survive
Try my hardest
To live a life
Worth singing about!

Time ticks, clocks wear
Down and they all tear
Rip the time they represent
They all sound unpleasant

Ticking and clicking
In the night they keep working
Away at my sanity
Sandpaper to insanity

I keep pushing, he pulls back
It's hard for me to relax
When I go to sleep at night
It's a hard-won fight!

I will not die
I will survive
Try my hardest
To live a life...
At all

They say when tough times come your way you gotta push harder
Be stronger
Move faster to live longer
But sometimes the fight itself, it just ain't worth fighting
And you gotta let it take you, kicking and biting
And when that same time comes around again, you give it your all
Build yourself back up where before you let yourself fall
Because
What it does
The pain isn't enough
But the success is two times greater when you pick yourself up

Satisfaction from hard work, blood and sweat on my hands
Put it in to position maybe you can understand
That although it tears and hurts to distance myself
During this time we can rebuild, helping ourselves

And you know who you are I don't need to say it
If your emotions were a game, then I swear I played it
And the whole situation ***** because I knew all along
But I gotta push past it, move faster just to stay strong

So I aint getting hooked, I'm just letting you know
It ain't solely one's fault but each to their own
But I guess that's okay, I'll build myself up again
See you when I'm done here,
Sincerely, Tigris

My Father said,
“Sometimes, Conor, you talk too much
And talk too little.”

I’ll let you figure that out on your own
So here I go:

I started off as shy
Didn’t like to meet people’s eyes
I was floating in the skies
So when I dropped I was surprised

I began to talk more,
Sometimes I just don’t shut up
There’s so much I have to say
But of time there’s not enough

My Primary years were years of torture
Those twisted words a killer
“Stupid. *****. ******. Loser”
I shut my eyes and mouth, head down, just kept cruising
Hoping. Praying
That someone would maybe save me

But I was unlucky
No-one came to rescue me
So pretty soon I hated the world that surrounded me
A father gone, overseas, fighting a war.
Because when it comes to family, some things are worth dying for.

Well pretty soon after, I wanted to die
When I found out that I wasn’t quite alright
My difference wasn’t me just being a shy guy
That untroubled dragon, unburdened, flying in the sky

Because I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of eight
Chance hated me, it seemed, and so too did fate
Adding fuel to the fire, an internal pyre
That consumed me, hungrily, leaving me broken and tired

So my innocence was ignorance
You can tell by the evidence
I wanted an exit
Another way I could end this

Years down the track, and who am I now?
Am I that joker you thought I was, head up and proud?
The friend to the friendless, my speech is just endless
But at the end of the day I’m only pretending

Because I’m not okay, I’m a broken part
To a greater whole of some use, just needing a kick-start
My friends and family, you see, they disagree with me
Saying worn is not broken, and either way it isn’t easy

It hasn’t been easy, torn by the truth
And mocked for my teeth, hit at times, left bruised
Sticks and stones may break my bones and all that other ****
By words hit hard too and at times it’s hard to deal with it

Now I don’t seek attention, just tried to let them know
That I was struggling and there were some things I couldn’t let go
From the first time I was called “Bucky” to the handle of a blade
I wanted to tear apart all the **** they had made

So I started hacking away at myself
Trying to find a better someone else
The answer lies not in blood spilled, or the steel used to slash through
But in your mind hides a better you, a person with a better view

It just takes time to uncover
The century’s best discover
An artefact, buried, hidden, within your soul
Just clear your problems
Try and solve them
And you’ll be whole

“Sometimes, Conor,
You talk too much
And talk too little”

Do you understand?

Ever been so angry
That you've started laughing?
Shudders through your body
Just the violent urges passing

When you get caught out
By "anonymous" at school
For posting poems about self-harm
Oh, I'm such a fool

Maybe goodbye to this site?
Maybe move on to another?
Or perhaps I'll stay and not post them
Wow, this is such a bother....

I'm too trusting...

I'm constantly tormented
By the people who I've come to hate
I wish I didn't have so many hostiles
But I know my wish is too late

I don't know what I did
To deserve such negative attention
There are so many.....
It's like a Bullies Convention

I just want to get by
And go on with my life
But no matter what it is I do
Someone always wants to cause strife

Like one time, a kid thought
I had a "*****" over a teacher
And the amount of times he said it
Almost convinced me he was a preacher

One day I'd had enough
Decided that he wasn't so tough
"Go on, say it again"
I dared him
"You had a *****" and that was it
I snatched my pen off my desk
Called him over and stabbed his chest.

He pulled out his Ipod charger
And whipped me with the cord
I stabbed him once again
My stationery, my sword

But Justice didn't win
For it never does
He kept up his stupid act
The sight of him gave me an adrenaline buzz

I was half hopeful I'd get another shot
To crash his act, make his friends leave him to rot
But before I got another chance
He dropped out and my confidence began to advance

I now know how to fight
But I promised to never act irrationally
This promise that I keep
May just be
The death of me.

Yet the torment continues,
I've given up on threats
But I know what's happening behind the scenes
People are placing bets.

How long until I snap?
Well, I already have
I've put up with too much
Time for the good guy to turn bad

Could it please be known that
Wearing a smile
Doesn't mean I'm happy?
In fact, quite the opposite
You have no idea how much it hurts
Just trying to get through a day

To Speak of the Future....

Conor Blatchford:
The future isn't clear,
Don't assume failure is near
For the future is uncertain
So to speak, an Iron Curtain

Hidden agenda:
The question was 'To be or not to be?'
Even Shakespeare had a glimpse of doubt ,
For when he wrote a word of sea,
He always found a way to swim out.

So me calling myself a failure is a premonition,
On a future event so far in the distance,
That if I did succeed it would be a mere addition.
To lose is to win in such a cruel existence.

Example if your claiming victory,
Should you achieve it , you may bask in glory.
Yet if you don't achieve it, you have failed.
Then that would have been ship set sailed.

Conor Blatchford:
Ship set sailed it may be,
But failure remains unclear to see
No matter how hard ones tries,
Future sight-seeing is usually lies

Usually

Hidden agenda:
The green light is dimming and the orgastic future is gone,
Yet I still stretch my arms and carry on.
Simple as is , I know a failure to be made,
But I'm still working in hopes of getting paid.

Conor Blatchford:
Failure is always destined to be,
Yet mostly
Impossible to see

You wish to be paid from your mistake?
The only thing failure can rake
Is misery; emotion's most deadly snake

A snake with fangs
That does bite
Whence you give in
To this devilish sprite

You will lose
All you had
And never gain
What you desire so bad

If failure is certain,
Then so to is victory
Yet both continually
Elude me
This is the future
That I think I see

I was walking along the sidewalk,
Near the shop windows, head down, empty minded.
A little face caught my eye,
At first I thought he looked on only in curiosity

But after a second glance, realised he
Was, in fact, in misery.

I force a smile upon my face
Crouch down to his level, mouthed
"Are you alright?"
From the other side of the Barbers window
A shake of the head, long hair whipping his face

"Help" he mouthed back
Tears sprung to his eyes
"I barely know you" I mouth back
"How can I help?"

"Get me out of here", his lips form back.
And a tear finally spilt from his eyelid.
"I already trust you".

"You don't know me",
Why do you want to leave"?

He ***** back his finger and mimes shooting himself.
"They are going to **** me".

I sit back on my haunches, thinking: You're kidding me.

His eyes deny my doubts, defy them with honesty.
His tears fall genuine, not like those of a crocodile
His face is framed by innocent light
His body shadowed, out of sight.

"Life is tough, kid", I barely manage to say
"That's a lesson you gotta learn.
I mean, how can I help you
When I can barely help myself?"

"My emotions are like a storm
My attitude, my mood, like dual personalities
I care for my ex, and have a kaleidoscope of feelings
For two different girls: one of light, one of dark
I feel guilty all the time
For they aren't in my control
And I have to decide one over the other
And yet one already knows!"

"I wish I could help you kid,
Save you from your inevitable doom
But I myself am no miracle
So tell me:
How can I help you?"

Mesmerized by what lies inside
Dwells in my skull, lives in my mind
Showing me, these corrupted dreams
Behind my eyes, more than it seems

Wilted roses, pouring rain
Not a word but the roaring pain
Scratching and tearing, flesh left raw
Growling and biting and sharpening claws

Shining eyes belie rage denied
Moonlit skies, moonstruck cries
Enraged and entrapped by thorns, kept safe
Let us loose, witness our showcase

"Your life isn't hard, it has no stress
I am kindred, so I know best"
Without, surveillance, how could you know
I'm all wound up and I'm ready to go!

Don't tell me what I have not felt
Don't tell me about the cards I've been dealt
You suffer too, we both suffocate
Can't ease our symptoms unless we medicate!

Angry you've been, angry I am!
You've walked in these shoes so you should understand!
Crimson is our bloodline, destroy what we hate!
I hate myself so it's only my fate!

Yet tell me I'm joking, call me a mimic
It ****** me off so I don't want to hear it!
How can you act like you knew all along
I don't ******* get it, YOU'RE SO ******* WRONG!

Authorities called, was a couple of years
Seeing you talking, confirmed all my fears
You haven't a clue, you don't understand,
I have no filters, I say what I am!

When I cry out for help and you tell them I'm fine
I can't confess these desires for crime!
You say there's no worry, you say I'm okay
WHO THE **** ARE YOU TO SAY!

You think you know me, you know nothing at all!
YOU, KNOW, NOTHING AT ALL!
YOU, KNOW, NOTHING AT ALL!
YOU, KNOW, ABSOLUTELY **** ALL!

So keep on talking, it amuses me so
This pain and this anguish, denied by your hope
Deluded you are, remember this thought:
No such roses, grow such thorns!

I wanna raise my voice
Hear my words carried off on stale air
As I gaze all around
I feel the judging stares

SHUT! THE! ****! UP!
Why can't I just be me?
SHUT! THE! ****! UP!
Why is this so hard?

I wanna run, I wanna hide
Can't release what I feel inside
It tears me apart, so slowly
I wanna go, can't stay anymore
Curl into a ball and....

Death marches the streets,
A parade of defeat
Showing off these victims

They all look like me...
******

You drown me in my hatred
Sanity, taken from me, confiscated
Removed without consent
And it gets better yet

GET THE **** OUT OF MY MIND
I don't need you, I'd rather be alone
Leave me to my sorrow, my misery
END! ME!

I scream in complete silence
Subdued by my mind, red with violence
Fingers twitch and bones rattle
Fighting me, is my hardest battle

*And I've not won yet

A Phoenix never dies,
It turns to ash then rises in glory
You can beat me once,
But I will rise again

It's not that I'm cold
That I'm heartless
Or ignorant.

For one thing,
My passion for life
Burns bright enough to warm
My whole being,
My mind and soul.

For another,
I am heartless
Because a certain someone
Ran off with it
Yet I still care
For certain things

And lastly,
I'm not ignorant
At least, not fully.

I just selectively ignore
Those who are not worth more
Than a warning

So here's one:
Back off

They said I couldn't make it, said I was worthless
Said I'd be nothing, and left me hurting
But as I rise up to the call
I know who I am, and I won't fall

I'm a glacier, in the middle of winter
I'm a saviour, or so it's been hinted
And though I am cursed and covered in dirt
I rise, unbreakable, with passion that burns

So you say you're flying but deep down you're dying
Smile so crocodile I can sense you're lying

Plastic and fake prone to imitate
The snake in the grass leaves patience with Fate
Waiting too long and you got it all wrong
Singing sad songs to put the remorse where it belongs

Stay strong, head up, trust is a must
Don't violate the love by living like it's lust
Because once we are ashes there is no us
Just sorrow on the windowsill, filling gaps with dust

Mistakes will be made and battles will be won
You may win some but the war is not done
In the lulls of time we take time to have fun
And when its up in smoke we bare loaded guns

As we stand alone, so we live united
We take up arms and become divided
Withholding memories, we fight one sided
So we live our fantasies when the dogs aren't biting

Born for a purpose some of us never know
And as such we drag mangled cars under tow
We want to be remembered yet we all stay low
Want to live fast yet we all run slow

The hint is in the name but it's never us we blame
All praying for a change yet we all remain the same
A shame to run this, our Human Race
Ashamed to go out and reveal true face

Where are we now? What is this pain?
The mistaken take charge and the wise turn insane
We reach out our hands, but in spite we never grasp
The fingers lose grip and the numbers are cast

We take chance for granted as though it is not much
The coincidences we call luck eat you for lunch
I never liked this Earth and nor should anyone else
Yet I stand alone where my future needs help

Dumbed down we deal Death, a rigged trump card
From our very first breath until our very last
Peace amongst all is hidden in the chaos
Amongst the stars shine those who were misguided, lost

"How much do you really care?"
"How much do you really wanna know?"
"Badly"

lights cigarette " Well...let me tell you"

You, could, have the worst day and I'd laugh in your face
Tell you I told you that joy was erased
Look to the sky and be blinded by light...
-ning as it crashes down, cuts through the night!

Hell's gates could open, and in you would fall
And with all your screams, I'd still feel **** all!
You could walk off the flat earth and into the void
I'd carry on normal, and not paranoid!

Turned into ashes, blasted to bits
Drowned in a lake, in my face your neck splits
Spray me with blood, I won't feel a thing,
I'd lap at the crimson, thanks for the feed!

Death welcomes all, where life may not want to
The curtains will fall, and then you'll see the truth
The truth of it is, I only care enough to tell you
To yell or to whisper, I won't mourn when they bury you!

an acid, a poison, corroding my thoughts
crossroads that run four different corridors
at the end of each, a padlocked door
not much to see but here, have a tour

one leads to Guilt, it opens a lot
and from deep inside lies a scent of rot
imagine sunken eyes, decay-riddled flesh
crusted tears caught in the folds of saddened death

the second leads to Rage, hear the beast in the cage
a vicious monster kept, a lion untamed
the red claw marks along the walls and the blood that dried
I've lost myself so many times you could say that I died

to your six opens Doubt, a hollow void indeed
you can feel the pulsing dark, lustful or greed
its desire is destroy, to run down into the ground
and claim my soul its only goal, gone without a sound

the fourth is most vicious, a chasm called Depression
all your thoughts and feelings, kept under suppression
for to voice all the voices telling you that you should die
is the means to take away the chance that you may try...

and in the centre stands me, isolated by this pain
the likes of which to share would be of zero gain
a problem told is a problem halved but this one can't be cut
I know things that can, but the unsolved is worth much

and I keep what's mine....

Sunshine
Face shines
Happiness

Clouds cover
Rain falls
Sadness

Turbulent wind
Lightning lashes
Anger

Face shines as
Tears streak,
And all I want to do
Is lash out
So what does that make me?

I wanna kick and scream
Tear down all the walls
Rip deep fingernail grooves
Up and down the halls

I wanna stick my fist through a wall
Punch and kick and slap
One thing I know from this for sure:
Secrets are a death trap

There is a key
To an abyss of thoughts
So irrelevant, so minute
It surprises me what I remember
When the gate to these thoughts
Is opened

And is the reason why I'm still awake
Two hours after going to bed

It's time to say goodnight,
It's time to say goodbye
The dead will rise
And I will rise again

Help me please I'm buried
Underneath these glares from society
Suppressed and repressed
Makes me depressed please protect
Me

I need a hero to return my soul
I sold it so I've lost my hope
But I gave it to the devil so you could live
Now I got nothing to give

If I could go back way before time
Existed as a bunch of figures in my mind
I'd warn myself of all the troubles I know now
Before I ****** my life up and got drowned out

But just you remember.....
I did it for you...

Didn't think of myself
I only thought of you now!

It's time to say goodnight,
It's time to say goodbye
The dead will rise
And I will rise again

It's time to say goodnight,
It's time to say goodbye
The dead will rise
And I will rise again

Rise up from this grave
The one that only I made
Pushed into the ground
Dead without a sound

I cried for help I remained unheard
I took the hit but don't deserve
The pain that followed, that's how I drowned
Myself in the blood spilled on the ground

Turned on myself and could've died
Held the knife and dared to try
Pushed into my neck I only made a dent
But I went to so I can't forget

These waking moment haunt me,
So I fear to fall asleep

But just you remember....
I did this for you...

Didn't give a **** about myself
Put my trust in someone else!

It's time to say goodnight,
It's time to say goodbye
The dead will rise
And I will rise again

I'll see you tomorrow
If I live that long
They say I should stand up
But I can't do this alone

Stick together, because we're family
**** with us and you'll be dead by evening!

Can't do this alone...
But I'm not alone!*

It's time to say goodnight,
It's time to say goodbye
The dead will rise
And I will rise again

It's time to say goodnight,
It's time to say goodbye
The dead will rise
And we
Will
Rise
Again!

You like to talk big when you got barrels of luck,
But the moment you’re in a cop shop your trap is stuck
So here I stand, I stand in front of you, this been a long time coming
If the effect we have is a marathon I spent a long time running

Ever since year 9 when you bullied me for my teeth
But now that I got braces you got nothing against me
All you can do is show off, calling “******”
When you ain’t with your mates where’s your confidence, maggot?

I’ve had it; up to here and this is all that’s left
The better man won in terms of intention, life’s a test
And it breath tested you and decided you’re *******
Because you picked on the wrong guy and there’s nothing left to prove

So step up or step off, confess to sin
You may as well because I remember everything!
Something you gotta know is to know your enemy
You don’t know what I’m capable of, or what I got happening

So you never even bothered to think of a strategy
You got caught, you lost, it’s going down rapidly
And it’s only a matter of time before they get you in for life
Because there’s pleasure in the knife but nowhere left to hide

Send your boys after me, they’ll end up with you
It would be an understatement to say this is rude
I hate this entire thing, I did this because you tried
To pressure me into letting him off, and now you lied

Just to save your *** but witness statements
Are the one thing to condemn the case, admit defeat just face it
With you and all your “violence” and I barely lifted a finger
Funny how safety works, hopefully this lesson lingers

A collision of energy
Your passion and purity
My will and practicality
Fused and refuse to detach

Now, I just hope it lasts

My hands shake and thoughts clash
I revise life, like flashbacks
I won't last living in my past
Pull back, snapping leash he attacks

The scent is strong he's on the prowl
A predator of beings foul
Revenge dished he's hellbound
Took a vow as hellhound

His loyalty holds no borders
He's borderline disobeying orders
He's ordered but he ignores
Okami, a lone wolf

In midnight his eyes shine
Blood red it contains skies
He's hunting down a worthy prize
Defending honour he can't die

Vengeance and fuelled rage
Powerful and untamed
For too long he's been caged
He suffered so, debts be repaid

With head high and hackles raised
He's raising hell, his endgame
All cards held have been played
Run and hide, its too late

It went like this:

Wouldn't talk, not even about my problems
There were so many options to help me solve them
But I missed them all, blinded by hurt
A hurt I didn't welcome, a hurt I didn't deserve

Bullied by kids with bigger problems than mine
So I came up with my own helpful design
I'd cause my own pain, over and over again
Because, after all, no pain no gain

But all I gained was a real bad habit
A real bad habit that stopped me feeling like ****
So I thought it was good, I mean cuts heal
But they heal into scars, not part of the deal

I just wanted something I could handle
But now, unfortunately, they became visible
Questions, questions, from family and friends
I though, Oh God, does it never end?

And guess what?
I still said nothing
Now look at me
Three hundred turns of the cycle later
Now I'mma see a psych and be a fixed psych-o

I was just walking home,
With my music in my ears
When I felt something odd
Something quite akin to fear

I turned and looked behind me
And my vision started to change
All I saw was darkness
Which to me seemed quite strange

In this darkness, a whisper of movement
I saw memories, both old and new
But I didn't see anything else
The darkness remained the same hue

But then I looked ahead
And everything I saw was bright
These things hadn't happened yet
But I almost teared up at the sight

I saw friends and family die,
But I saw them brought back to life

I saw arguments, hatred and tears
But I also saw victories, and cheers

I saw myself alone,
Writing poems by myself
I saw myself with friends
Doing this, then something else

Together to the end,
The definition of a friend
When I am left alone,
I cry out for them in sorrow

Then I returned to reality,
Shrugged my shoulders and just walked home
Because I understood what I saw
As I walked that road alone

There is no future in the past,
So put it all behind
Yet in the future there's always
Something new for you to find

Don't reflect on what you've done
Just live in the here and now,
And strive for the future
You'll be happy, this I vow.

I discovered all of this,
In just a few seconds of thought
Imagine what you could think
With the time that you so sought.

Wanna know what I don't get?
I don't get mind-games based off of cruelty
Like, when two poems share one line
That being the only similarity.

Oh, and just because I dated this other poet
Doesn't mean I took her poetry
I didn't scam, take hers, make it my own
You obviously don't see clearly

So blinded by your little "mind games?"
"You're too predictable", she says?
Predict how long until I'm beyond reasoning
For you seem to have lost yours, when you have fun
Ruining another's days.

Thought we had potential friendship
But **** that, ***** you!
If you enjoy evoking anger for fun and games,
Then I want nothing to do with you

Determined to make a change
There is nothing you can say
To shake me
Or break me
As a warrior
I know no defeat

So listen to my war cry
Run and hide or stand and die

I forgive too quickly,
To me this is sickening
The beast inside of me, unleashed
Wishes to be a blade, unsheathed

Released into the world
Spinning, twist and twirl
Manipulate events, unfurl
A masterpiece, coloured swirls

It makes me feel helpless
I have too many morals
I follow them whether they help me
Or alone, I call

I have warned them
It's the last chance they will get
The satisfaction may be real
But I may end up in regret

Just another photo, with just another frame
Showing pictures of warped memories when time was just a name
Unbound by restrictions, not tied by the cord
That makes you stop and contemplate the risk or the reward

I was happier when I was young,
Oblivious and playing dumb
Forgiving and forgetting little things
That didn't really involve my mum

I never really knew my Dad
And sometimes it still makes me mad
How disconnection affects affection
And how when he left I used to be sad

I'd see my Father step on the plane
And the hollow in my chest just wouldn't fade
Even as young as then I knew he couldn't stay
He had a job to keep food on the plate

And my Mother? Yeah, I used to like her
When I was younger and didn't really know much better
What kind of Mother locks you in your room using a rope?
And shuts you in with nightmares hanging on walls, slightly sloped?

I wonder what it would be like if my parents were still together
If maybe they'd be happy or things would be any better
Never mind, I guess I'm just reflecting on life
And the pointlessness unlike the razor point of a knife

I carved my own skin into a memory of darkness
In times where I was not my best and was so sick of advancing
Through a life that lost it's point, hell, it's edge
I stop and think what it'd be like if depression and I had never met

I lose focus on the better things, they tell you to be positive
But how do you do this when you're conditioned to see the negative?
By a world that never liked you, that disconnected you from kin
And treated like the regular trash you ditch into the bin?

Things never seemed to go my way, so I gave up trying
And this explains why I'd be up late at night, crying
I'd try to sing a lullaby and fall asleep to it
But my voice was so hoarse I could never do it.

People say my life ain't bad, that's because I'm smilin'
Cracking jokes about dope and **** they don't know that I'm hidin'
Behind the face they wanna see, that some have come to hate
Especially a recent ex girlfriend and others as of late

I'd say it was coincidence, but I guess it's just a test
Is man or mother Nature truly, 100% the best?
Push on through this life, I'm doing it so you can too
Don't let people's gossip and ****** opinions get to you

They ain't worth the time, nor the cranial space
They just trash, so move past, it's your own mind to waste
So do it as you will, just be who you want
And don't be a warped picture that reminds you what you've lost

I'm sitting, on my bed, I just woke up
Have to turn off my alarm, already stressed enough
I take it, feel the horrid taste in my mouth
As I make it drown, with the water that last night I left out

Flushed down, it should hold any second
I take a breath and
Ask myself the burning question...
Why the **** am I depressed then?

Flashbacks to times I couldn't sleep
Crying to myself, why the **** is it I feel weak?
Why the **** is it me? Why do I feel empty?
Hollow hearted, where has it departed, I feel so lonely!

Gaps in my memory and gaps in its effectiveness
I still wear a smile just to feel like I'm rejecting it
Placebo effect and pretend that I'm still proud of me
But see this shrouding me? You're **** right you should've doubted me!

Fifteen minutes of reminding myself I'm nobody special
It feels like ten years on Death Row
Berating myself, why aren't I better, why can't you hold hope?
A vicious cycle on a motorcycle, kick the chair and let go!

I still have thoughts of suicide
In the short time it takes for me to find my lifeline
Here it comes, thanks for the pickup
The only time I can say I'm thankful that I took drugs

What do you do
When a loved one lives in suffering?
What do you do
When every sentence spoken starts with, "Unfortunately..."?

What do you do
When you see an endless void of pain
By looking through their eyes
Where logic and reasoning lay slain?

What do you do
When you cannot calm the storm?
And have no other option
But to pray that new hope is born?

What do you do
When you want to stand, take action,
But can't?
Feeling so hopeless
As you watch your only one
Struggle to advance?

Hugs and kisses don't alleviate the pain
Logic and reasoning have been slain
Helplessness is your only reaction,
To the inability to take helpful action

What do you do
When you are afraid to lose
The only person who truly gets you?

The only girl you've ever had,
Needed, wanted, been with
From the start thinking
That the end is just a myth?

I love her with all my heart,
I hope she reads this and understands
Why I feel as though I'm falling apart
As though I'm stranded in a ravaged land

I'd say goodnight
Except you wouldn't hear
The misery dripping from dry lips
So frozen with fear

I'd say goodbye
Except I'd see you again
But it'll hurt watching a stranger
When they were your friend

I'd say good luck
But I know that you won't need it
You already have everything
So I guess you won't receive it

I'd say come back
Only it'd hurt twice as bad
Because I'm used to sadness
But I hate getting mad

And I'd swing from the rope
For my sins I would choke
But you'd probably cut me down again
So that path is a no

I guess I can't quit
I guess I'm not done
Maybe somewhere out in the world
I can have some fun

I wanna feel that again..,

A disguise for the blind
Generations left behind
With barely a whisper
They exit the limelight

The happiness dissolved
Too many problems left unsolved
And many more arise
As the chamber is revolved

No-one really wanted this
Prescriptions for problems to be fixed
Teenagers with scars and abuse
And no reason to live

Dark hair and dark eyes
Stormy clouds and rainy skies
Rather than condemn them for how they are
How about you help them to survive?

Show them a reason to live
Teach them not to forget but to try and forgive
For a memory forgotten is a memory unimportant
But remind them every day not to try and relive

Those horrible times, those relentless monsters
Who try to force you to believe that you're an imposter
Not who you really are, not who you want to be
But would much rather you be the destruction they see

I find my inspiration
In my day-to-day happenings
Now I seem to have lost it
Even though it gleams like a diamond ring

Where you at, Inspiration?

The wind blows,
The leaves twirl
Drifting through the air.

Nature becomes violent,
Sends a storm
And the leaves are whipped into frenzy

Yet even this is a balance,
For too much evil,
Or kind-spiritedness,

Is not good for anything

The wind blows and the willow bends
Stay strong,
For it will pass soon