Truly, it was complicated.
It was oranges and blues so contrasting I couldn't tell if it was summer or winter.
It was the smell of lemons and the taste of sugar, but was it really lemonade  or poison in disguise?

Captured memories in photographs around the walls of this cage.
I wanted to run.
I need to run.

The wind picked up outside and my urge to move cam as fast as the storm.
It was always so complicated.
I never understood why we couldn't just slow down and dream a little.
Slow down and feel a little.

Truly, It was complicated.

They say you'll know when you kiss someone if it will last or not but wih you I have
Never been quite sure of anything
Except that I am
Mad
About
You.

We kissed so shyly at first and the passion I felt was more than most people feel in a lifetime. We looked deep into each other's eyes falling in love and in love.
We were one.
We were infinite.

I couldn't be quite sure where this was going but I knew if it remained strong I would
Be perfectly okay staying
Mad
About
You.

We danced along rooftops and swam through oceans to gain each other's trust. We watched stars burst and moments passed us by without a single sigh.
We were one.
We were infinite.

When the moment came for us to choose to stay with one another or to leave... I left. As many wonder what I was thinking I knew in that moment something I would never forget.

If I kept focusing on the glory, the beautiful, amazing moments we shared and never touched the horror of our love, then how would anyone ever know the truth was:

I was completely
Unbelievably
Truly
Disgusted by you.

I can't remember if I am supposed to pretend to be happy for you?
You're negative and routine life bores me.

I can't remember are you supposed to be my best friend?
Your solitude and weakness make it hard for me to care.

When you treat someone like **** for so long...
They stop caring.
They stop wondering if you're ok.
They will leave.

I don't care anymore.

Why do we let them have the power to
tear us apart?
bring us to our knees?
lower our self-respect?

Why did I let you tell me it was
all my fault?

Green eyes- demons hidden in the jewels of your life- little does she know you wear contacts and they are fake.
Sandy hair- soft and smooth- little does she know you color it- also fake.
Strong arms- they can wrap themselves around you- little does she know you wrapped them around your ex girlfriend not too long ago- fake.
Weak words- phrases that are as outdated and arrogant as you are when  you pretend to be someone you're not- they sound fake.

"You're pretty." ( stop lying)
"You're perfect." ( ridiculous)
"You're unlike everyone else in this world." ( originality is dead)
"I will never leave you." ( but you did)
"Anything you want baby, it's yours." ( i wanted you)
"I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know what to say." ( for a year?)
"I'm sorry." ( my favorite line)

How does it feel to hear your own words used against you?
Does it sound fake?

You said to move slower... That time always moved a little to quick when I was around.

You said to feel calmer... But I am not sure how.

You said stop, take a breath and think about the things you want in your life. Think about if I am in that decision and then speak again.

So I moved slower... I took a few steps to the right and twisted around.

I started breathing and thought calmly about the next words, the next sounds.

And I took a deep breath and spoke the only thing I knew to be true... That you are, and always will be, my one and only and that I love you.

What do you do when you're--
loopy with feelings,
completely and utterly,
smitten?

What do I do about the-
thoughts in my head,
screaming and yelling,
that I need to stop fearing the word,
Love?

He's wonderful and perfect and--
as sweet as pie,
as cute as a button,
and I simply adore everything about
him.

You're a thousand I loved you's on the verge of a single I hate you.
You're worse than the wind on a stormy day when I'm just trying to keep my hair straight.
You're the reason I can't turn my back on anyone; afraid they'll take their turns stabbing me one at a time.

You're the reason I can't sleep peacefully always taking my blankets. You're the heat on a summer day making me sweat in the most uncomfortable way. You're the scream I'm holding inside because it I yell anymore I won't have a voice.

You're the constant battle between my brain and my heart. You're the awful taste in my mouth before I brush my teeth. You're the reason I've become so pessimistic about life.

And yet I waited around a couple years to see you through this tough time. I watched you turn into the same person I met. I watched my self hatred grow day by day by staying with you.

But don't worry because you're the reason I finally found a way to better myself. And without you I would have never met anyone with such disgusting qualities or known what to avoid.

I was once Beautiful and Wise- but I'll settle for being Decent and Senseless.
I once considered you Handsome and Loyal- but I'll settle for you being Ugly and Dishonest since we know that suits you best.

Please remember - I don't need your permission to be lonely and sad sometimes.
And Please remember- I don't need your approval to find myself again.

Your words used to cut through me like knives and I would run to nearest bar and drink my sorrow away while I cried to strangers.
Until I remembered that my worth isn't measured in what you think about me.

So all aboard the Heartbreak Express we are headed straight into traffic as we dissolve all memories of you and your ugly words.
The time has come to leave the past in the past and move on to the future full speed ahead.

I'll drink to the memories we shared- they weren't all full of pain.
I'll drink to myself! You're not all that bad most of the time.
I'll drink to my people- thanks for sticking by me when the times have been rough and the going gets tough!

I used to be Senseless and Decent - but then again that was all in my head and I am better than that babe.
You used to be Ugly and Dishonest... oh wait, you still are.

I often think of the crescent moon and the memories we shared walking along those half hidden paths in the night.
We danced.
We kissed.
We made love under the silver light.
It was everything.
It was nothing.

I left my heart in the ocean that night and watched it float away in a glass bottle with a note that said I loved you once.

As I sat on the shore watching the rough waves overtake this innocent bottle I remember how you told me I wasn't like most girls.... Quite the common phrase of boys these days.

You'll be the first to notice I said "boys" not "men" because men don't **** with girls. Men deal with women and men treat women right. Boys tend to break girls hearts and then blame them.

Slowing turning in deep ocean waters at this point I am sure the bottle would have something to say about being treated with disrespect.

I'm sure it would tell me that being ignored for months at a time isn't love. That begging for you to talk to me at 3 am isn't love. That sleepless nights waiting for you to tell me you missed me wasn't love.

And I'm sure that bottle would rather lose that note than ever make it to your side of the states. And if it ever did make it over there and chance that you found it, it would break in your hands.

There would be glass stuck in your finger tips as your tried to read the note that once held the words I wished you'd say allowed but instead all you would see is smudged writing and maybe "thanks for nothing" scrawled across the bottom.

But we know that would never happen because, like you and I, that's just stuff stories are made of.

Candy coated tongue filled with sweet, rotting lies.
Ireland Green eyes with cavernous secrets deep inside.
Frosty demeanor, misty mountain moods, and perfectly sculpted arms.

How could a girl resist?
How could she ever forget?

You really ****** me up this time.
My
Memory is
Shot to hell and
You're nowhere to be found again.

You're really gone this time around.
My
Heart is
Broken in tiny pieces
And I can't find where you hid them.

You really ****** me up this time.
But you're gunna see me when you're asleep.
You're gunna dream of me at night.
You're gunna wish you never met me and that's alright.

Sunday light drenches the window where you may upon the unmade bed.
You and your roughed up hair.

Watching the sun bathe your skin you smell like musky woods and fresh rain and I want to capture it in a bottle forever.
It could be our secret.
It could be just for me & you.

Saturday is fragmented glimpses of our future and I know that when we awake the morning will have to keep the secrets of the night before.
My body tangled in your black sheets.
Strands of vanilla and lavender scented hair scattered around your bed.
Your arms graze my fire skin and I am alive with lust and hints of love.

Sunday holds the key to happiness.
Sunday’s were made for love.

Dear friends,

I'm real happy you're happy now if you would just leave me alone with my bottles of wine
& my giant-way-to-big for me king size bed
So I can wallow in solitude and sadness
And pretend that drinking my problems away makes them actually go far far away


That would be great.

Sincerely,

The friend you lost along the way

Dear lost and found,

I was looking for a new heart today but came across a set of lungs that told me I couldn't breathe. The eyes I found belonged to a boy who couldn't see his beauty. There was a liver there but the drinker told me wanted just one more. I am not sure but the stomach dropped below the knees at the moment the boy with no eyes walked by.  I was looking for a heart today but i took home the eyes and told the boy to follow me.


Dear lost and found,

I found a mirror sitting outside and I gave up those pretty eyes I took. I took a deep breath in those new lungs I found. I saw the boy see himself in the mirror and he smiled.  He took out that heart I was looking for and we sat together; watching each other in the mirror listening to new hearts beat together.

We spent the night on old couches in some family mementos basement out there in ohio just trying to stay cool in that summer humidity.

We fell asleep watching each other; I always found that weird but with you I guess it was okay... I wasn't going to tell you no.

You told me stories about you as a child and I watch the glimmer in your eyes as we stood at the widow watching the summer rain.

It was beautiful the way everything felt so connected! Everything felt so right. Even our fighting seemed so natural.

The day we left ohio I saw a piece of my soul attach to those green fields or in that park where we had lunch with the family and I knew right then and right there.

I knew I had already given up on ever loving anyone but you.

You can't blame me when the moon is out and I'm howling to the skies above with good friends.
We left summer with every inch of our souls.

When fall arrived we found love in corn mazes and pumpkin patches.
Dreaming of cinnamon flavored candles and the nostalgic feeling of being wanted.

When winter came around we traded our flannels in for oversized jackets and warm gloves.
We spent our nights drinking spiked hot chocolate laughing at how reckless we had become.

When New Years came around we saw each other in a new light.
We knew spring wouldn't hold much for us but did our best to dance in the rain.

Throughout the years you'll find me remembering moments I shared with people I've loved.
You'll find me putting pieces of myself back together when they've gone and created new lives for themselves.

And when we get old and time has changed us physically.
You'll find me howling at the moon on those summer nights listening for my loved ones again.

Maybe it was the sleepy way your voice would read me to sleep each night but I was pretty sure I had never known love until then.

It could have been the way you brought me hot chocolate with whipped cream when I was sad because you know those little things mean everything.

And I’m not sure really when it began but I know that once I looked into those eyes I felt my whole world tilt and turn.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find words to explain love and how it feels.

Little did I know the words were already written they were just being read by the wrong narrator for my story.

What I wanted to say was " leave me alone. I'm no good for you."
but what came out was " I love you too."

What I needed to say was lost behind a tiny glass screen that was much to easy to break.
What I needed you to see was thousands of miles away and forever emotionally unavailable to you.
What you needed to hear was something I have told you a thousand times before but they say love makes you blind.

And with this, I wondered if maybe I was also blind to the man I loved.
Maybe he had told me just as many times as I had told you.
Maybe he was just a ruthless and heartless as I thought I was being with you and yet here I was doing exactly what you were doing with me but with him.

I bet what he wanted to say was -- " I don't love you and you need to get that through your head."
But what I kept hearing was -- "I'm just not ready right now."

Softly or not at all- you said-
But I don't know how to be soft.

tell me sweet love of mine-

aren't you tired of always asking the same question over and over again?

I am.

This is for you my best friend - the next time I see you I will be walking down the aisle as your maid of honor.
You will be getting married to the love of your life and you will have your first child in a month.

Weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Didn't we walk home from school laughing at dumb jokes that almost made us *** our pants?
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about kissing boys we knew our parents would never approve of?

This one is for you my best friend- the next time I see you i have to remind myself that you've grown up.
That this man you're with has a child and you love him and you're not into going out anymore.

But weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Getting drunk in the backyard while we talked about our latest crushes.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about graduating in a few years and how we just want to be someone new.

This one is for you my best friend- The next time I see you, you will be moving to Boston in a month.
You will be finishing school and moving in a with boy for the first time in your adult life- someone you love.

I swear we were just 14 a few months ago, right? Making plans for college and the future that we had no idea would bring all this.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Trying to dress better and planning our first tattoos and getting piercings because we were so punk.

Life changes and we have all grown up and taken so many separate roads I don't know where they cross and don't cross anymore.
This ones for all of you I hold dearest and true.
I just want you to remember... I will always love you!

Me in between the fog on top of the mountains we used to climb. 
Between the “I love you’s” and the “I’m so sorry’s” we used to say.

You’ll find me in a box labeled “memories and stuff” and when you unpack it you’ll remember the times we shared.
I’ll be that distant memory. 
I’ll be that “girl you used to date”

You’ll find me between the highway signs leading from Pennsylvania to DC. 
And when she asks why DC you’ll smile and laugh because you’ll remember everything.

You’ll find me in your hometown down the street in that same old neighborhood we used to roam. 
When you bring her back here so she can see how you grew up.

And if life keeps heading down the same path we like to run, you’ll reopen that box in about a year or so… 
You’ll find me still waiting around thinking of you every now and then.

You will find me in this darkened room with caffeine and nicotine damaging my body.
You can find me with ink stains on my fingertips and note books filled with art of my youth- drawings, poetry, stories, journal entries to remember my past.
I won't apologize for being me- curious, wild, and beyond normal repair.
I won't apologize for dreaming- wishing, memorizing the way your lips tasted, imaging your eyes.

You'll find me with a bottle of wine leaning against my turquoise colored wall singing songs of my youth.
You can find me lighting candles in the rain and opening all the windows not giving a **** about the damage it will have on my apartment.


I won't apologize for being me.

I sat at the edge of the river dipping my toes into the cool water dreaming of another life.
I watched the ripples and the little fish thinking life must be so much easier to just swim around.
I figured they don't have to worry about romance and love.
They don't know what heartbreak truly is- pain and madness in a never ending loop.

I thought... just one last thought before i put my shoes back on and headed back to reality.
I thought, life is like the ripples in the water.
Our problems start so small, then ripple out and eventually...
they start to faded away.

I hope you slip quietly asleep when I'm caressing your black hair.... I love to watch you sleep.
Drinking from dusk to dawn we stumbled into your room kissing like two perfect strangers ready to rendezvous...
You are my heart.
Winter came to fast for comfort we had barely enough time to make it through the summer alive.
You said sleep was for the weak! So we stayed up holding each other all night... And it was perfect.
You are my soul.
Morning came without a sound and I had fallen asleep in your embrace... Awoken by your arms falling from mine I saw nothing but innocence in your sleeping face.
You are my love.
You are my one and only.

I heard you weren't doing that great and part of me wanted to call and see just how bad you were but then I started thinking about a few of the things you ruined for me after you left.

Green eyes.
The taste of cinnamon.
The pink pens in my bag.
Mixed CD's.
Hydrangeas.
Fireflies and small country towns.
The drive way at my parents house.
The old road you used to live on.
The fact that I feel you in every part of this ****-hole town.

I heard from an old friend things were getting better for you now and I think... it's for the best that we never speak again.

I can say with the utmost certainty that the mirror is the only thing that doesn't lie to me these days.

I wasn’t just another museum tour you had on your list.
You don’t get to come through here with your bright words and advanced vocabulary telling me how things should have been and where we should be.
You don’t get to come in and destroy my artwork as if I didn’t spend my whole life creating it from the ground up.

I am celestial.
I am the 8th wonder of the world.
I am a temple of power and femininity that your mind will never understand.

I wasn’t just a solar system you thought you had the right to explore.
You don’t get to set up camp and experiment and write stories about me as if I wasn’t real.
You don’t get to see the light and the stars of mind and then use them for some ultimate power move.

I am a ******* privilege.
I am a ******* planet.
I am a ******* black hole of love and destruction that you shouldn’t have messed with.

I wasn’t some church you thought you come to and atone and be forgiven for your sins just because you said some prayers.
You don’t get to come in here and demand forgiveness when you don’t deserve it.
You don’t get to come in here and disrespect all entities and gods and goddesses just because you don’t believe in a higher power.

I am a goddess.
I am my own deity.
I am a power of worship and peace that your heart will never understand.

I am so much more then the girl to a man with such a simple mind.

You were gold
You were green
You were the chameleon in my dreams.

You were bright
You were beautiful
You were ripping apart at the seams.

You were simple
You were smart
You were sneaking off into the dark.

You were confused
You were content
You were the ember to my spark.

You were there
Then you were gone
You were the dream I didn't want to wake from.

Dear Future Love of my life--

I will not wait around like I did with all my lovers before.
I will not be the girl who you talk to randomly for two days then stop.
I will not let you guide my heart in the wrong directions again and again just because I am caring and kind.

I will either be your everything or I will be your nothing.
It's simple.

Love always,
Your Future Lover

It was okay to take the road less travelled yesterday. We saw the earth for the things it was really worth.

As we jumped from step to step or down fire escapes in the New York City night we fell in love.

We fell for the stars we could barley see! The clouds that covered the night as winter made it's way towards our hearts, but that would never stop us.

The cold nights may freeze our bones but they'll never take our pride or hope. The long summers may make us drowsy with lust for the warmth but they'll never keep us lazy.

You held my hands so softly last night as we walked along bridges we were quite sure where they went. We danced among the trees and the lightning bugs lit the way to freedom.

We saw earth & mother nature. We saw romance and passion in the blue skies above and the oceans below. We heard the traffic and not once did it break out spirits.

You kissed my lips and lingered ever so softly last night... And I knew what I didn't want to admit.

We were in love and it was everything.
And it was nothing.