It's getting to be that time of the year where I sit and wait to see if you'll call me again.

The time of the year where it starts to get Colder and I find it hard to keep warm. The time of year where my heart hardens and my eyes hurt from dried tears.

It's getting to be that time of the year where I wait to hear your famous "I really miss you's" or your "I love you so much's."

The time of the year the leaves changing colors is the only thing to make me smile. The time of the year where loneliness settles in fast.

I'm hoping this year is different and you don't call me. I'm hoping this year you don't try.
I'm hoping this year I won't need to miss you or constantly need to cry.

Can this year be different ?

One day I hope you stop staring at the clocks you keep in your apartment. I hope you stop wondering whether time is slowing down or speeding up. I hope you stop questioning whether you're living in the past and start focusing on the future.

One day I hope you stop writing self
Destructive volumes and novels about yourself. I hope you stop comparing yourself to cancer and death. I hope you stop focusing on other people and learn that it's only you.

One day you'll wake up and find the anxiety and depression is all a little less terrifying than the day before. You'll find that the clocks are meaningless and time is nothing especially relevant. You'll find that the self destruction has turned into self love and the world might continue to go on for another day.

But if you find yourself stuck... In the middle of wanting to die and wanting to ask for help.  I hope you remember to ask.
I hope you remember it's okay to be afraid.
I hope you remember you will go on.

And if I find myself stuck... I hope I re read these words I wrote to try to find myself back again...

I often think about how I would react to my own death if i was an outsider.
Would I feel sorrow? Would I miss Me the way my friends would miss me?
Would I cry at my funeral or would I stand there silently wishing I was anywhere else but here?

I think about the words I say to myself and the lack of love I usually feel when I talk about myself.
The " Oh, no I'm not nearly as pretty as she is" or the " No way would I be MY OWN friend" responses and the awkward stares after a compliment.
Would I comment on what a good friend I was? Or remember the love I gave to everyone?

I think how easy it is to talk negatively about myself as if I am that easily disposable and I want to change that.
I often think no wonder I fall for the guys who always put me second, or let the **** talkers become my friend so easily-- I see myself in the same way.

As easy as it would be to end it all, I've never been one for easy.
I think I'll take the harder path and live a bit longer and see what I can change in the process.

I heard a song that said the worst things come in threes:
You
Me
Us

I took a trip to the moon and the stars told me lovely takes about out earth below. With it's oceans so blue from the skies so grey and the clouds so white....basically we have a lot of colors. And they told me about the people on earth. With their anger, pain, and sadness and I thought about
You
Me
Us

If the worst things come in threes than the best things must also come in threes:
Loving you
Missing you
Wanting you

These stars told me of my past and the challenges I've accepted and gone through. And listening in on these stories I first thought I must be insane reading all this in the stars above but then I realized i am insane and that's okay! Because I also read that sometimes it's okay to let go of those bad things.
You
Us
Missing you
Wanting you
Loving you

I think I'll save the best for last
Me

I wanted nothing more than to drink you in everyday; like my favorite coffee or a good glass of scotch that burned on the way down.

I wanted you to fill my lungs making me ache for more; like a cigarette I can't quit this addiction.

I wanted you to fill my soul with something so wonderful; like my favorite romance novel or a line of poetry.

What I wanted more than anything was to be loved by you; the way you loved her.

You told me you liked to ask me out on holidays because then you would never forget the anniversary. I always felt that was sort of cruel and odd but you looked towards a future of happiness and I saw a break up.

Timing was never out strong suite and I am not quite sure how we got to this point in our lives eight years down the road. I still think about you every single night before bed.

It's windy today and stormy. It's not funny and yet I laugh because the last time I saw you it was raining... And you took me to the airport to say goodbye.

You asked me to stay but I had a plane to catch.
You asked me to marry you but I had a life to get.
You asked me to love you but I had to love me first.

I asked you to come home but you had a reason to stay.
I asked you to marry me but you changed your mind.
I asked you to love me... But you ignored all my love.

Eight years later and we are just as dysfunctional as we used to be back in those high school days. Eight years later and we still can't figure out if we are meant to be together.

Eight years later and I still think about you every day.

I sit in a dark room digging up old memories that I had thought were forever in the grave.
Thai food and coffee surrounds me and in a quick minute I have never felt lonelier then I do now.

I watch old shows we used to make fun of and write stories of love that has never and most likely will never happen for me.
My thoughts are ancient memories like the dinosaurs or the Pyramids- wonders and mysteries I’ll never truly solve.

As the light from the tv shines over me, and I cuddle up with a glass of wine- I truly wonder if I’ll ever make it past this haunting nostalgia....
or will I forever be stuck to endure the ghosts and nightmares of a life that never was and probably never will be.

I fell in love with a siren with a serpent tongue.
She was beautiful and friendly and glowing like the ocean herself.
She was rain on the window on a cool Autumn day.
She was your favorite cup of coffee in the Winter.

In her eyes held wonders of the world.
The colors felt brighter.
The trees smelled richer.
The memories felt softer.
She was the master of Chaos.

Her siren song was so melodic.
So haunting that when she grabbed my hand and lured me down to the depths of the sea--
I didn't even feel fear.
I felt remorse for the loved ones I was choosing the leave behind.
I felt love for the ocean and for nature that was choosing me.

It wasn't until right before she opened her mouth and showed me the sharpest set of teeth I had ever seen--
Did I realize she was actually the devil in disguise.