This song is car rides,
And bedrooms,
It's 4am,
It's tears,

This song is night,
This song is my childhood,
This song,
Played for so many,
Parts of my life,

Mostly the divorce,
Mostly the pain,
This song,
Brings me back,
To my,
'Scary'
Days,

This song is old friendship,
And old people,
Lost.

This song,
Is pumped up kicks.

I'd love you like I love,
Summer,
And a warm breeze,
I'd love you the same way I love rusty old swings,

I'd love you like grass,
And  trees,
And love you like holding hands,
While we walk on the beach,
I'd love you like,
Entangled feet,
Under soft blankets,
With the tv casting shadows on your face,
While you laugh,
Oh God I would love to make you laugh,

I'd love you like thrift shops,
And old photographs,

I'd love you like summer nights,
On the roof,
Or in bed watching movies,

I'd love you like I always would,
Forever,
Never waver,
I'd love you like all these things,
Like warm coffee on cold fingers,
Or sunsets by the lake,

I'd love you day,
After day,

Like the ice skating rink,
I'd love you like, the song,
Temporary love,
By the brinks.

And I know I am young,
And you're miles away,
But there's a feeling here,
That's making me stay.

And I'd love you like this,
And i promise I would

Please let me darling,

I promise I could.

Breathe,

I have so many reasons to be alive.

Breathe,

But I get tired.

Breathe,

I don't think I scare myself anymore.

Breathe,
Just,
Breathe


quiet car rides,
On starry nights.
Warm seats,
Cool air,
Mildly,
Unwashed
Hair.

It's late,
And,
I'm tired.

But.
Im.
Still.
Alive.
And.
In.
My.
Own.
Time.
I,
Might even learn,
To enjoy it.

What are these roads?
We've walked them before

Your love is a pain,

I wish to endure

I've had bad days for as long as I can remember,
Anxiety, loneliness and depression swirling in my head.

(You might think loneliness and depression are the same but that's not true, loneliness is just a SYMPTOM of depression)

I used to have good days,
Light,
Days,
Where it didn't hurt as much,
Any more,
But these bad days come back,
And the came,
And they stayed,
For weeks at a time,
Anxiety had me mumbling,
"I'm fine"'s

(The actual act of being 'fine' is something I've never had the privilege of experiencing)

I got so many bad days,
My therapist,
(Along with my mother)
Tried to convince me they weren't,
ALL bad.

So,
I'm depressed, turned into:
The weather,
And, I'm alone,
Turned into:
Call your friends!
And,
I'm suicidal,
Turned into:
Philosophical.

I don't think you understand...

That this plan,
Of telling me my feelings aren't real,
Or that I shouldn't feel what I feel when I'm feeling it.
Isn't helping me,
Or saving me.
Because I remember being 12,
In an emergency room,
With death on my mind,
And burns on my wrist,
Being told,
I couldn't be admitted to a mental ward,
Because they only accept 13 year olds,
That, the qualifications,
Where there,
That I wanted to die,
But You were,
Just to young,
To be feeling,
What you were feeling,
When you were feeling it.

I don't like being alone.
Rays of kitchen light,
Beaming down on lime flavored tortilla chips,
With mild salsa,
That's still,
Too hot!

Or cheap tea,
Flavored with lemon and crystalizing honey,

I do not like being alone,
Stacking,
Molasses cookies,
On my shaky finger tips,

I do not like being alone!
Shaky, shaky,
Three,
Round plates,
Stacked on top of one another,
And I'm not saying I have a standard,
eating disorder,
But when I am depressed,
And,
Alone,
I just,
Don't,
Get,
FULL.

No I don't think I'm fat,
I love my body,
And I'm not over weight,

But my stomach,
Is the new home,
To the black hole in my mind,
It's fine,
I say,

You don't know how many plates today,

And it's not every day,

But I find myself stealing snacks,
The way people steal kisses,

Enjoying meals hot or cold,
Instead of going in the snow,

For if i lept into turning waters,
Like people leap for love,

Or if my mind,
Got that black back,
Transferred from my stomach,
You,
Wouldn't be the only thing crushing.

"Why do you only wanna talk about the problems with public school and suicide?"

Because the blood in the restroom stall,
And the ghosts that walk the halls,
Are only increasing in numbers.

Cuz I like crooked teeth,
And freshly washed sheets,
And mugs that fit well in my hands,

But sometimes that just doesn't matter,
When depression has stolen your
plans.

And I like warm nights,
And summer's on swings,
Or having a day at the lake,

But when you feel like you're dying,
All the things you love,
Dissipate.

Cuz sometimes even,
Nice teacups,
And music,
Can't change the people you hate,

Because everytime,
I look in the mirror,
I see something i,
Want to change.

Do you wanna hear a secret?
She says,
I took some pills again,
I sat down on my bed,
She says,
And after about 20 I looked down at my hand,
And asked myself,
What the hell am I doing?


My best friend,
Your blades are double sided,
One cuts you,
One cuts me,
While the reality is,
Just a little blurry,
One night,
When he was extra flirty,
And now your friends say
YOU'RE FAULT.


you must be ambidextrous,
Cuz I can speak for the rest of us,
While your right hand,
Shovels white suicide pills,
Deeper down your throat,
Your left hand,
Raises death,
To my lips.

They say pain,
Is a double edged sword,
And you've been shoving daggers in my mouth since we were nine,
It's about time,
You realized,
Ending your life,




Ends MINE.

Let,
The smoke go to your brain,
Even though,
We're told,
It only fills our lungs,
Cuz you just wanted fun,
For a night,

And now,
Your obsession growls,

While you try,
Not to let,
It,
Engulf you.

I stand on sandy shores,
Looking out on the great blue,
Wishing I was away from me,
Or rather farther from you,


White sailboats,
Are just beyond my grasp,
And in blue paint,
On the side,
It claims happiness.

My toes curl,
In the damp sand,
Watching people run into the water,
While I'm stuck on land,
And I would swim as well,
But I'm afraid of sharks,
Or really anything,
That prefers the dark,

I know how to swim,
In the back of my mind,
Have I just forgotten then,
Or lost it with passing,
Tides?

It's now midnight,
On my sandy beach,
And I'm praying for the water,
To just reach my feet.

Sitting around a table,
Here we have your over thinkers,
Your impulsive thoughts,

I think depression's over there,
Sitting next to anxiety,

SOMEONE BE INTERESTING!
No ones talking!!!

Impulsive slides down in her chair,
Depression doodles on her arm,
Next to her scars,
Anxiety's leg bounces so fast,
Irritable claims it might fall off,
Then impulsive,
And anxiety,
Strike up conversation,
Irritable quickly joins,
And they come to quick agreement,

Humour, hugs coping mechanisms,
So that she will stop crying.
Irritable yells at depression:
"Stop sitting so near to me!"

Lonely walks in,

"I thought she was gone!"
Complained impulsive,

"I needed some company."
Shrugs depression.

They're sitting at a table,
In my brain,
Having conferences,
On how to get to me.

A moment of weakness,
Quickly followed by a moment of clarity.
It's true once you did.
But now
You mean nothing to me.

Oh,
I'm not surprised,
You said your fine,
One too many times.

don't say you love me,
when you don't even know me,

on tuesday,
I will be attacked by fake I missed you's
and uncomfortable, unnecessary hugs,
because,
I can't miss strangers,
the same strangers that filled my living room this time last year,
the same strangers,
that give me things I dislike,
and have nothing to talk about with,
because they know nothing about me,
our conversation,
hangs in the constellations,
on the night you stopped by,
because no one looks hard enough to understand,
what they are,
you never,
care enough,
to understand who I am,

you repress your emotion,
like you clench nimble fingers,
into,
white hot,
pain,
I see it,
it drips,
from our name,

you claim you love me,
but I am not a fool,
I don't understand the love you claim,
for you use it like a tool,
thinking,
that seeing me,
once a year,
because of your,
own,
guilt,
of not knowing,
or caring,
about your little sister,
counts,
as a relationship.

April

Showers,

Bring,

May

Flowers.

My flowers,
Her flowers,

Gather a bouquet,
Of pretty little dead things,

May was the month,
I started living,

A birthday sure,
Would it be a day I regret?
I used to wonder,
Was it all in my head?

April showers,

Bring,

May,
Flowers,
This much is true,
But am I as much a flower to me,
As I am to you?

Counting my petals,
Love me,
Love me not,
I know I'm at an odd number this year,
As I watch my petals disappear....

Painful showers,

Can turn to,


Flowers.

Pull on my,
STARSUIT
Let the silvery fabric,
Engulf me,
Let your eyes swim in the patterns,
Night after night,
I capture your eyes,
Keep my gaze for,
As long as you can remember,
My,
STARSUIT,
Is sure to dazzle you,
Even if it isn't a dress,
Because a dress,
Would get caught in my satin tresses,
My obsessions,
Like the night,
Gleaming down my double breasted bow,
As my shiny black shoes walk over to you,
It's my STARSUIT,
Memorable,
Don't you see?
The way my body holds it,
Or,
It holds me,
It's my,
STARSUIT.

if you were right,
and i was wrong,
i swear to you,
i'd write a song,
before  our love,
went,
to ****,
just goes to show,
emotional,
is not the best to describe a fist..
no,
so here it goes,
i'll soften the blow,
just so you know,
i've let it go,
and i see your
smiling face once again,

but oh,
you let me cry it out,
you stayed up in your head to pout,
you claim the bruises on your brain,
were from me,
and not the rain,
that falls with tears,
i must admit it,
as it appears,


you still blame me.

this is,
my Christmas tree,
not matching a thing,
really,
ornaments,
from years ago,
to lights that don't all work,
you know,

this,
is,
our,
Christmas tree,
a little broken,
like our family,
presents underneath,
are less each year,
as ones i love,

disappear.


this is our Christmas tree,
a little dead,
but still pretty,

this is my Christmas tree,

and its,
a lot like,
me.

It's little things,
Like your eyes,
And your laugh,
The bubbles at your feet,
During a bath,
The curve of your spine,
And the whole of your lips.
It's little things
that make me want to fall in love
like this.

I'm uninterested,
In your choice of conversation,
I am unamused,
By the abuse,
You speak.

I've known you since I was seven,
We were both so far from heaven,

We didn't know,
We would grow.

Apart.

Abused, he was your light,
But he just wasn't right,

For you.

This is for you,
My ballad for you Bethany,

We became friends,
Our parents divorced,
Our life out of sorts,

This is how our lives are bound to go,
But i still can't let go,
You lived with us for three months,

Three months of pain,
Three months of healing,
Three months of me,
Stealing your razor blades,

Because blood doesn't stain sheets.

Not on my watch.

"aren't you scared?"
"i'm too naive to be scared"

Oh how clever thought I!

To climb so high!

So far!

And reach for the stars!

So high!

To touch the sky!

Branch after branch!

Climbing away from fear!

And towards opportunity!

Oh thought I!

I leaned on the top branch!

Looking out upon the cloudy sky!

Wind whipping through my blonde hair!

What a beautiful day!

What a beautiful sky!

What a perfect moment,

To learn how to fly!

My feet left the branches,
As I jumped and then soared,

But my soaring was short.

Don't ask me why I'm not sure,

I flew yes I swear,

For a moment at least,

Then I was snatched out of the sky!

By a bear,
By a beast!
And his name,

Was gravity.

rumble,
tumble,
great big bear,
i know he is,
hiding there,
scratching clawing,
great big bear?
do you know where he's hiding?
where?
under the sheets,
he waits for me,
to growl and claw,
at my feet,
i wake up with marks,
all over my body.
rumble tumble,
do not stumble,
i'm too far away,
to hear you're screams,
you claim the marks aren't from him,
aren't from me,
lightning flash,
thunder crash,
hold my hand,
don't get scratched,
rumble tumble,
i watched her stumble,
she has her own bear under her sheets,
cry and ask why,
why big bear,
must you claw at me?

The shadows on my wall don't frighten me.
As much as my own hands before the screen.
You worry me.
A pill,
You say.
I will,
You say,
You scare me.

I have seen your scars.
I know your demons.
Your past your present .
I know your secrets.
Why this though?
Why,
Suicide?
For once,
My best friend made me cry.
The wall was broken.
My fist was bleeding.
For I knew who was at fault.
She's fine,
They say
Do you know her?
I ask
Because I don't believe you when you say you do.
She would,
I cry,
She will,
I scream,
Heaven please help me.


A deep breath.
A final plead.
I fall to my knees.

Exhaustion.
But you are breathing.
and I may carry your life in my hands.
Again maybe,
You never know.

nine







nine are left,
my old poems.
only nine.

copy, paste,
repost,
delete,
but now,
only nine remain,
ghosts of depression,
of loneliness,
of love,
cover,
my computer screen,
even now,
i'm not sure what they mean.
copy,
repost,



delete.

my poems of you will be deleted.
along with our memories.

i wasn't as interesting as you believed me to be.

I can see it in your eyes
A little twinkle that soon dies
Your whole life
Attempting to be
Right
For one night
Your knuckles bleed
There final plead
You read
Escape your world
His world
My world
You think
About those
Big blue eyes
You'll never know
What they hide
Secrets she will
Carry to the grave
Wedding Bells
Chime
my secrets,
will die with me.

To
Hold
A
Moment
In
Your
Hand
Is
Like
Trying
To
Hold
Sun
Dried
Sand

Escaping
Through
Each
Wrinkle
On your
Palm


To
Sing
A
Song
In
Your
Heart
Is just
The
Same
As
Pulling
One
Apart
Each
And
Every
Symphony
Waiting for its
Destiny
To change
A
LIFE

Tears roll down her face
Hand tapping an uneven pace
Click, Clack, clack, click, click
123 124 12345 1236
Uneven
Unwanted
unknown
One two three
Yell, scream, break,
Yell, yell, break,
Scream, yell, break,
One two ten
Mind whirring
Stirring all the emotions
Inside
One two break
Two three yell
She stands now
Thinking
One two
click four
five clack
yell seven
scream two,
i don't need you.


Pause it stop it don't need it
Shut up, shut up, shut up,
Shut it
Pause it stop it
Don't need it.

My fingers,
Recognizing the
Softness.
Of your touch.

Roses in full bloom
As shining as solid gold.
My arms outstretch to reach for you...

I open my eyes and your not there.
The magic disappears and I am alone.

the plastic girls are
Always having friends
Never needing rules

Elegant fingers.
Picking apart.
Light beams
Shining above.
Apple trees.
Listening to.
Buzzing bees.
Diaries.
Life stories
Poetry

Light colors pink and purple
Leaving streams of black and blue
Red is fading in the corner
Clear tears and green blood
Trace the fingers of Orange
Hands.
Painting is a right
Painting poetry
As the sun shines through the window
onto your face.
A purple blue sky
A red and green bind
Painting is a right

Three months of me,
Stealing your razor blades,
From your pencil case,
Because blood,
Doesn't stain sheets,

Not on my watch.

The snap of twigs under my feet,
Makes me remember to crackle of lighting,
That one night.
The wind is harsh,
Fall colored leaves,
Fall to the ground,
Slowly they whip back and forth,
Slowly I block up my past,
Slowly I attempt to become unchained,
Slowly.....
I pretend I am just tired from lack of sleep,
Not from lack of love,
Of comfort,
I pretend I am just sad,
Not chronic depression
That keeps coming back...
It's getting dark out now,
I'm walking down the trail on the property
We can barely afford.
I climb trees and stay at the top,
Attempting to see,
Me
Beyond my depression,
Beyond my obsession,
Of being ok..
I have to go back,
I say.
I have to climb down,
Out,
From the pit I have dug for myself,
I have lists of people who gladly handed me the shovel,
But it's my choice to climb out,
I breath in and slowly ascend out of my
Pain,
Down from my tree,
Head back to the house...

I'm ok.

you get twisted up in your lies,
webs weaving back and forth,
they spin around you,
restricting you,
causing you not to function,
i watch them cover you,
till the thing people see isn't even,
remotely you.
till the thing you become,
is something you, yourself
have grown to hate,
but you can't stop yourself,
you don't want to help yourself,

Purple walls,
Waiting anxiously to be,
Blue,
Waiting desperately to be,
Fixed,
Holes and scars,
From you,
From me,
Writing on the wall,
Only from my insanity,
The floor is covered,
Laundry undone,
Old art projects,
Failed dreams,
And notebooks.

The bed,
Is where,
Where I like to rest,
However I'd sit there,
When I felt a pounding in my chest.
Stare at the ceiling till your eyes bleed,
Stare at the ceiling,
Till your demons flee,
The same room where,
I said my first i love you,
Where,
I meant my first I hate you,
Where friendships fell between the wall and the box spring,
And I,
Was too tired,
To retrieve them.

Songs are
in my head twenty-
four -seven
Guess I thought
I could build my
own heaven

Oozing goozing syrup drips from you lips
It disgusts me
With each drip a lie unfolds
Your sugared teeth as yellow as corn.
Dripping, slipping, slurping.
Your smile disgusts me.
As the ooze starts to fall from you cheeks.
And I glance at that sick smile
I can feel my head spinning
My teeth aching from your sick twisted smile.

The sweetness is not like chocolate. No.
It's the sweetness of swallowing honey with a dry mouth.
It stays with you.
Nothing to wash it down

Your smile gives me cavities,
that hurt almost as much as you do.

You.
Fell.
For.
Me.
Like.
The.
Rain.
Falls.
For.
The.
ground.
Onl­y.
To.
Disappear.
Into.
The.
Night.
Sky.

Oh.
You.
Fell.
All.
The­.
Time.

time goes by and soon
the colors and wonders begin to
fade and life begins to fall,
the sparkle that she carried,
has drifted far away
the world so harmful and unsafe.

Everybody has a dream,
Though we might not understand what they mean,
We leave are hearts open,
To be ripped from chests,

We can't be the only broken ones,
This can't be the end,
Because,
Tomorrow is another day,
We'll fall inlove again, for God sakes,
I'm not sure any more,
What we're fighting for,
Everybody has something they're battling,
Whether or not it has to do with us,
Everyone has something that they're thinking of,
And I know this,
Just because,
I can't be the only one,
I can't stand alone,
in this battle with myself,
We can't be the only ones,
That are battling ourselves,
Pinned against the only things we know,

I'm not quite fixed yet,
I'm still a little broken,
But I refuse to let my pain go unspoken,
Some days are better then today,
Things don't always go right in everyway,
I'm not quite happy yet,
And I think that that's ok,
Because I'm always fighting,
Every single day,
I'm not quite sure yet,
But, I think that i'll be soon,
I think i'll know exactly what I want,
And i'll love it too.