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Mims Oct 2018
They
Their
Them

Impersonal
Personified
Don't care

What
Why
Where

How could I
how could you
Why the **** did I?

.....
Drunken regrets, every time.
Mims Nov 2018
In the wake of our love

We were both so broken

And so
Young
"Flipping through a little book of *** tips, remember when the boys were all electric"
*
Mims Jan 25
*
I'm trying to be happy with the little corner of the universe I can control

I can not manipulate the night sky to call me back after 9

I can not ask to borrow the Moon's favorite dress

I can finish that book

I can wear those jeans

You

Have not taken

Everything

From me
Healing
.
Mims Nov 2018
.
I miss being friends
Were we ever friends?
I miss being in love
Did I ever love?
I miss the fighting
I miss the passion
I miss the heat
The pain
The healing
The art
The late nights
The wondering

The writing


But,
Was any of it ever really there?

-Disecting
Mims Oct 2018
When I layed
With her body against and on my body
Her head just under my chin on my chest listening to my heartbeat
Her light brown hair with hints of red when it hits the sunlight just right
against my skin
Steady breath compared to my uneven, nervous,
Her hand across my stomach
Rising and falling
My fingers tracing circles on her back
Like I sometimes do with him
Our strong legs tangled
Worried if I move she will shift
Like a cat that has fallen asleep on your lap
And is
So warm.

When I see you
I feel so warm
Heart leaps
Come talk to me
I see you
Working at the library
Or every night at dance class
And you like that I flirt with you
And you like that I like girls sometimes
And I like that you like girls all the time

But you are slightly out of reach
Me, tied to another
You, tied to nothing imparticular
Him, I love him, but....

Tonight I push these thoughts out of my head

Tonight we are one body

More intimate than ***

And it didn't last that long.

We were in a room full of other people watching a horror movie and pretending to be scared so we could touch each other innocently...

but I'll never forget your warmth,

Or your hair

Or that couch

Or what we did there.
I've never had love before, now I have too much.
Mims Oct 2018
If I were to tell you something...

And have you understand it..

Like really understand it...

I'd tell you,

Grow up but don't give in

Move on but not away

The people that promise they'll always be there

Never stay
Passing knowledge
Mims Oct 2017
Reading old journals
I might start a small fire
Set old me ablaze
I don't write haiku's, too many rules. But inspiration struck me today.
Mims Mar 2018
I will not rest until the trees outside my windows do
Their sway
I wonder what makes them so unsteady...
But it isn't really my window
Or my house
Or my bed
Just like how
This night does not belong to me
Kinda like my own head
I give away parts of me
That I refuse to need
Like love
Or dreams
I push ******* to my Lips
Inhale and then exhale
Pretending I have a cigarette balanced between them
I love the taste of cigarettes even though I know they are killing machines
I love you
Fiercely
When I know **** well
You could end me
It's like that song I heard once
Alone
But I felt less lonely after I heard it
For some reason
Ghosts haunt me
You could call obsession
Infidelity
You could call dreams
Unfaithful

You should've called me.

Then you wouldn't have to worry about my ****** lonely
You could know
That only you sit on my brains
'Wish list'
Only you fester in my belly
If you knew
About all the people I have broken to make myself appear a little more whole
Or how much growing up I did in a year
Or that January
Or that June
If only you knew
About my crazy
The kind that only makes sense to some people
But still doesn't make sense to you...
No
I will not rest until the trees do.
*desperately* not passionately
Mims Aug 2017
I'm in a love hate relationship with humans
Mostly hate
Mims Nov 2016
I've known you since I was seven,
We were both so far from heaven,

We didn't know,
We would grow.

Apart.

Abused, he was your light,
But he just wasn't right,

For you.

This is for you,
My ballad for you Bethany,

We became friends,
Our parents divorced,
Our life out of sorts,

This is how our lives are bound to go,
But i still can't let go,
You lived with us for three months,

Three months of pain,
Three months of healing,
Three months of me,
Stealing your razor blades,

Because blood doesn't stain sheets.

Not on my watch.
Mims Sep 2016
I still get little things that remind me of you,
And I wonder do you get that too?
Changed
Mims Jan 2017
Sitting around a table,
Here we have your over thinkers,
Your impulsive thoughts,

I think depression's over there,
Sitting next to anxiety,

SOMEONE BE INTERESTING!
No ones talking!!!

Impulsive slides down in her chair,
Depression doodles on her arm,
Next to her scars,
Anxiety's leg bounces so fast,
Irritable claims it might fall off,
Then impulsive,
And anxiety,
Strike up conversation,
Irritable quickly joins,
And they come to quick agreement,

Humour, hugs coping mechanisms,
So that she will stop crying.
Irritable yells at depression:
"Stop sitting so near to me!"

Lonely walks in,

"I thought she was gone!"
Complained impulsive,

"I needed some company."
Shrugs depression.

They're sitting at a table,
In my brain,
Having conferences,
On how to get to me.
But I'll never let them overtake me
Mims Aug 2018
You ever look at a message and don't open it
Because you know if you do
You'll have to respond
And you just dont know how to



Right now
He kills me
Mims Aug 2016
Do you ever get the feeling?
When you know that you won't sleep,
The a certain kind of quiet,
That seems to never leave,
A pounding in your ear and a whisper in the dark,
Seem to be the only things keeping us apart,
It's 1am and here I am,
Contemplating life,
Playing it off cool,
When I'm engulfed with fright,
And that's when it happens,
Your creative juice starts flowing,
Even though it can feel quite freaky and alarming,
You reach for pen and paper,
Bleed out your so called closure,
Continue to do this,
As the days get older,
And here you are with blood stains on your sleeve,
And demons in your sleep,
It feels like one of those night perfect to stay awake
Mims Mar 2018
Dear friend,


is how it begins


Without a goodbye


Is how it ends
I've been writing a lot lately. A lot of it very different from how I normally write. A lot of it messy. I write on my phone, in my notes, my journal or any paper that's handy. sometimes even on my body, I do it constantly. Words run through my head all the time. A hook, or a rhythm. Sometimes other people's words gets stuck there too. And it just replays over and over. I've been very busy lately, I'm loving what my life is turning out to be. I'm very happy, surprsingly. But I'm also very tired. That does not go away. Not just physically, but also mentally. I like being warm, I love it actually. And I worry in these long months, I do not want to turn cold. I pray that my fingertips will nurture the fireplace in your soul. But I can only hope. Somedays are darker than others, and some are not dark at all. I call the dark days nothing. They are not worthy of a name, not worthy of recognition, not worthy of blame. I am scared of being dragged back, after months of hard work. I'm worried I will get all messed up again. I have to forgive myself when I'm weak, it doesn't always happen but I'm working on it. I'm always working on it. And I am gentle with myself when I fail, because I tend to fail a lot. I'm failing right now, in a sense. But it's okay, I'll delete this soon anyways, and tomorrow is only a few hours away.
Mims Dec 2018
Seasonal depression
Opens the wound
Again

Can't go Christmas tree shopping
Or ice skating
Without noticing the
Chasm

I'd give almost anything

Just to feel loved
Like that

For a day.
Why did you have to **** so bad
Why did you have to be abusive and yell and be so scary
Why did you have to make mom
File for divorce
Why couldn't you have just been kind and gentle
For me?

Why wasn't I

Enough?
Mims Nov 2018
All that I am
All that I was
All that i'll ever be
Will never make sense to anyone

Not even me
"Felt it in my youth, I'll feel it when I'm old"
Mims Aug 2018
We used to say **** like
I should've kissed you

Now all we do is ask for nudes
But now that I'm here
I wonder who the **** would want this
Over that
Mims Feb 2017
I've had bad days for as long as I can remember,
Anxiety, loneliness and depression swirling in my head.

(You might think loneliness and depression are the same but that's not true, loneliness is just a SYMPTOM of depression)

I used to have good days,
Light,
Days,
Where it didn't hurt as much,
Any more,
But these bad days come back,
And the came,
And they stayed,
For weeks at a time,
Anxiety had me mumbling,
"I'm fine"'s

(The actual act of being 'fine' is something I've never had the privilege of experiencing)

I got so many bad days,
My therapist,
(Along with my mother)
Tried to convince me they weren't,
ALL bad.

So,
I'm depressed, turned into:
The weather,
And, I'm alone,
Turned into:
Call your friends!
And,
I'm suicidal,
Turned into:
Philosophical.

I don't think you understand...

That this plan,
Of telling me my feelings aren't real,
Or that I shouldn't feel what I feel when I'm feeling it.
Isn't helping me,
Or saving me.
Because I remember being 12,
In an emergency room,
With death on my mind,
And burns on my wrist,
Being told,
I couldn't be admitted to a mental ward,
Because they only accept 13 year olds,
That, the qualifications,
Where there,
That I wanted to die,
But You were,
Just to young,
To be feeling,
What you were feeling,
When you were feeling it.
You shouldn't,
Be feeling what your feeling,
When your feeling it.
Mims Jul 2017
This metal poll is sapping my body heat.
Exposed calves.
Aching feet.
"**** IT JOHNNY GO LONG"
Sounds of baseballs hitting leather mits,
Pierces the cold night air.
Grass peaks through pavement,
Haphazardly placed squares
I don't really know what I'm doing here,
But what I do know...


Is I'm cold.
Who knows?
Mims Aug 2017
I slouch,
I lean,
I walk around aimlessly.

I hum,
Without realizing,
I yell,
Without caring.

BE MORE AWAKE

I'm falling asleep in my breakfast bagel,

And yawning into 2am Mac and cheese,
I'm crying in cars,

I'm zoning out,
I forgot to breathe.

BE MORE AWAKE
She's not worth it.
More harm then good,
Making more problems,
You don't need.

I knocked something over.
(I'm in the kitchen what the ****?)
I don't remember drinking tea..

Did I eat?

I feel faint,

NOPE

Run down to the kitchen,
Open the fridge,
Zone out,
Its 4am.

Close the fridge


Go back to sleep
My sleeping pattern has been **** lately. And its really messing up my mind
Mims Aug 2016
Because suicide isn't quirky.

I am a friend of indecisive,
Of misdirected,
Of **** infested,
I am a friend of pain,
I have an enemy,
Who bits my ****,
But he underestimates me,
He thinks I'm lame,
I am a friend of confession,
Depression,
Of bipolar,
Of anxiety,
You don't know who you are without me,
You become familiar with me,
You get close to me,
I'm the only thing you know,
With all certainty,
You can quote my regularity,
If other people push me out,
And your lost without me,
You'll invent me again yourself,
I am close cousins with stress,
But even closer to hate,
You will think of me In the wee hours,
You will miss my touch,
I have many faces,
Many things that keep me going,
Whether its your fear of failure,
Or you fear of any noise in the house at night,
Or Your mothers disapproval,
You weren't there for your best friend,
Why hadn't you read that text,
You have nightmares,
She's gone now she's dead,
I am best friends with PTSD
And abuse is my criminal partner,
You're scared of candles,
Scared of fire,
Because of the way you used to burn yourself,
You used to hurt yourself;

Everyone has bad days.
Some you want to take your life,

Others,
You can't believe,
You'd ever dream of it,
You'd ever think of it,
This is your last sunset,
But they never think that,
They only see bad things and i get it,
Suicide isn't romantic,
Depression isn't cute.
But my friends only think of reasons to die,
Never ones to live,
This is your last sunset,
This is your last sunrise,
Last baby's laugh,
Last tear you'll cry
And it sounds good at first,
At first it sounds so much better then Breathing;

But if you go on the bad days,
You'll never reach the good ones,
You're out,
You're the gender you've always felt inside,
You've found love,
You have a child,
You get sad to think,
That you could have ever thought that.

Stay strong.
Mims Oct 2016
Purple walls,
Waiting anxiously to be,
Blue,
Waiting desperately to be,
Fixed,
Holes and scars,
From you,
From me,
Writing on the wall,
Only from my insanity,
The floor is covered,
Laundry undone,
Old art projects,
Failed dreams,
And notebooks.

The bed,
Is where,
Where I like to rest,
However I'd sit there,
When I felt a pounding in my chest.
Stare at the ceiling till your eyes bleed,
Stare at the ceiling,
Till your demons flee,
The same room where,
I said my first i love you,
Where,
I meant my first I hate you,
Where friendships fell between the wall and the box spring,
And I,
Was too tired,
To retrieve them.
My depression holds me a hostage inside of my bedroom inside of my head.
Mims Apr 2018
I watched a movie
That comedically displayed
Suicide
And *******
Did I try to be offended
The whole time
But I feel like
For me at least
When you've been suicidal before
And you watch a movie
Like that
And everyone laughs
You learn to laugh along too.

And maybe
Some people
Could take offense
But that movie is a masterpiece

I learned somewhere along the way
(Maybe when I lost all faith in humanity)
That some things
You just gotta laugh at

The kids who make the most jokes about suicide and depression
Have often lived it
Dark humor
Is more or less,
Earned

And I think I've payed my dues.
I deserve to laugh at this kid tryna **** himself. It's ******* hilarious
Mims Feb 2017
Blood is good on muddy hands,
Worn from work,
While calluses harden.

Blood is not good,
On the blades,
That litter your dresser drawer,

In the middle of the night.

Sweat is good,
When coming off your shoulders,
From running,
In warm air,
Through your yard,
With friends around you,
Laughing at your races,
While sipping lemonade,
Under the stars.

Sweat is not good,
When its on your palms,
And the back of your neck,
And drips from your forhead,
From shaking,
And breathing to fast,
From rocking back and forth,
On the floor,
Because your brain,
Is bleeding out of your ears.

Tears are good,
On lover's shoulders,
With your hand on their stomach,
Feeling,
Life.

Tears are not good,
On phones,
Over messages,
You screenshotted from 2 years ago,
Because you just want to feel something again,
Even heartbreak
...

B
L
O
O
D
.
S
W
E
A
T
.
T
E
A
R
S
...
Mims May 2017
I'm reading,
My third book this week,
I'm eating,
Swallowing literature whole,
One after the other,
A light snack,
(Teeny bopper, singletons)
But sometimes those stories don't satisfy.
(Poe, Cummings,)
Oh,
The list grows,
Like vegetables,
In a garden of wonder,
I wonder,
How many I can devour..
Before I explode.
My books are my escape, get me on the train.
Mims Jul 2018
The galaxy was quiet tonight
The ocean's dangerous waves calmed
Somewhere deep and dark was brightened

That is how it feels to talk to you
Nothing but you me and the moon
Mims Oct 2018
There's things that I don't say
In between kisses
And bowls of ramen noodles
On weeknights

There's a quiet sadness settled behind the couch and on the inside of my ribcage during our twilight marathons
On the weekends

Things left
To hopefully be forgotten under the bleachers at your soccer games
I go to whenever I can

It hangs with your hoodies in my closet
In the pit of my stomach
It's small but I can't stop it
And it takes me out for days at a time

I see you every day
But sometimes I am distant
In a different way

It's been done to me
And I'm sorry I'm doing it to you
I'm trying to phase the disappointment that has nothing to do with you
Out of my life like cycles of the moon...

The stars are ours
And that is true
I've never felt like I do when I'm with you
But I tried to tell you
I don't think
You completely understood
You have never felt
Such a sadness before.
.
.
.
.


"What's wrong?"
"Is something wrong?"
"You would tell me if something was bothering you,

Right?"


...
Listen to, in my mind by, dynoro while reading this. for the full effect
Mims Jan 9
I was her,
the girl in those poems you wrote
the girl you lied to
the girl you wanted, but never enough
the girl you argued with when you were lonely, or bored
the girl you made up with just so you could do it again

I trailed you
obsessed over you
some of those poems were true
but I know they aren't about
me
anymore
you said one day I would laugh at them. I didn't believe you until now
Mims Jan 2017
Let,
The smoke go to your brain,
Even though,
We're told,
It only fills our lungs,
Cuz you just wanted fun,
For a night,

And now,
Your obsession growls,

While you try,
Not to let,
It,
Engulf you.
Mims Nov 2016
rumble,
tumble,
great big bear,
i know he is,
hiding there,
scratching clawing,
great big bear?
do you know where he's hiding?
where?
under the sheets,
he waits for me,
to growl and claw,
at my feet,
i wake up with marks,
all over my body.
rumble tumble,
do not stumble,
i'm too far away,
to hear you're screams,
you claim the marks aren't from him,
aren't from me,
lightning flash,
thunder crash,
hold my hand,
don't get scratched,
rumble tumble,
i watched her stumble,
she has her own bear under her sheets,
cry and ask why,
why big bear,
must you claw at me?
let me save you
Mims Sep 2017
Soft yellows swirling,
twirling,
into funny orange.

Orange shifts,
tips,
into maddening red,
(like your blood)
and it is spilled all over my keyboard.

Purples spill from your mouth onto your fingertips,
(I can almost hear you muttering it)

go **** yourself.
"And her mouth was like a rainbow, spilling bits of color onto her lips whenever she felt the need to do so."
Mims Jan 2017
Cuz I like crooked teeth,
And freshly washed sheets,
And mugs that fit well in my hands,

But sometimes that just doesn't matter,
When depression has stolen your
plans.

And I like warm nights,
And summer's on swings,
Or having a day at the lake,

But when you feel like you're dying,
All the things you love,
Dissipate.

Cuz sometimes even,
Nice teacups,
And music,
Can't change the people you hate,

Because everytime,
I look in the mirror,
I see something i,
Want to change.
Mims Sep 2016
"Do not confuse loneliness for love my dear,
Because one day,
You will mean a great deal to someone,
And they will not mean anything to you".
Mims May 2018
Every time he touches her
My heart breaks a little
And by the end of the night

It was completely shattered
...
Mims Aug 2017
Night
Dark
Turn off the light
I can't see your face
Touch my heart
Inches apart
Making my mind race

Over and under
Enclosed space
Not a trace
Of broken here
Nothing like pain
Or reality is anywhere near

Touch
Love
Why

Because we turned the lights off.
We get different in the dark.
Mims Sep 2018
You can't be angry

It's not allowed

You should've gotten those feelings out long ago

Otherwise

They'll eat you up

Again.
"Somethings i'll never know. And I had to let them go"
Mims Jan 2017
Do you wanna hear a secret?
She says,
I took some pills again,
I sat down on my bed,
She says,
And after about 20 I looked down at my hand,
And asked myself,
What the **** am I doing?


My best friend,
Your blades are double sided,
One cuts you,
One cuts me,
While the reality is,
Just a little blurry,
One night,
When he was extra flirty,
And now your friends say
YOU'RE FAULT.


you must be ambidextrous,
Cuz I can speak for the rest of us,
While your right hand,
Shovels white suicide pills,
Deeper down your throat,
Your left hand,
Raises death,
To my lips.

They say pain,
Is a double edged sword,
And you've been shoving daggers in my mouth since we were nine,
It's about time,
You realized,
Ending your life,




Ends MINE.
Mims Oct 2016
Dear Josiah,
I didn't know you well,
I'd met you a few times,
I know your  siblings very well,
They're some of my best friends,

Dear Josiah,
Although I didn't know you,
i see you in the tears of sarah,
in the whimpers of grace,
in the scars on bethany.

Seeing the look on your mothers face,
Seeing tears in your fathers eyes,
A divorced couple,
Sets aside their differences,
For one thing they have in common,

They lost their  son.

Dear Josiah,
I watched your sister grow up,
i watched her try not to care,
To push the feelings out,
But tears,
And cries,
Made there way to her,

i hugged Your crying little brother,
Only ten,
who Has never known tragedy like this,

Dear Josiah,
It wasn't your fault,
But you will live on in the hearts,
Of many.
God bless
this was written on December 2, 2015
Mims Sep 2017
Dear oxygen,
I've found i do my best writing at 4am
Welcome back,
I missed you,
And when you graced my lungs,
You swept over the flickering flames,
That licked at my throat,
You threatened the knives,
In my chest,
Until they left,
You blew through,
The tears,
All my fears,
Have been shattered by my lady oxygen,
So have my body once again,
And leave me beautiful,
Not broken.
You scared me
Mims Aug 2016
Distractions?
Am I right?
Cuz ***** isn't enough,
And **** is too much.
Mims Oct 2016
Elegant fingers.
Picking apart.
Light beams
Shining above.
Apple trees.
Listening to.
Buzzing bees.
Diaries.
Life stories
Poetry
Mims Mar 8
Eyes are the window to the soul,

But what if,

You don't have one of those?
Cold
Mims Apr 2018
When she asked me what happened


I told her that the night ran out of love


That love was not made for people like us


That it was not a privilege
Not a magic

I could dabble in.
No reason to play the blame game
Mims Sep 2018
All these so called friends

But no one's really been checking up on me.
You throw temper tantrums
You say I haven't been making sure you were okay as much lately
When you have never
Done that for me
Mims Apr 2018
Part of me wants to scream that you don't even know me
How could you?

Split
Cut up
We're all crazy

But lately
You've all been getting engaged and married and having babies

And honestly?
I don't care.

I don't know you

You don't know me

You never wanted to.

You only like the idea of acting like family
That's why you execute it poorly
Because the reality
Is that this **** is messy
You are not willing to move past it

Do not get angry at me
For being done with your fakeness.
I'm not going to your wedding
I'm not meeting your baby
A family splits
Yes it does
When half sides with the ******.
Mims Aug 2016
Little boy inside
Fight, fight, fight,
How hard?
But, then you don't have to try
Just pretend
You have dry eyes
No eyes
Because you can't see
But you can smell
I smell ****
That you don't need
But can't just be
Tobacco free
Can you?
How hard did you
Get HIT
Knocked out
Your guts
One night
Every night
Fight, fight, fight,
In the time with no light
Scared little boy consumed by
Fright
Fight, fight, fight,
Glasses on your face
An outcast
GOOD, GOOD, LITTLE BOY
GOOD ,GOOD, LITTLE TOY
Sit There
Share
What you don't
Have
Fight, fright, fault,
and Then There was
A
CIGGARETTE
Mims Aug 2017
Shaky hands,
As you lift the,
Glass to your lips.

If you breathe wrong you waste ****.
That's what I've learned at least,

From you.

Stealing kisses,
Under moonlight.

We don't need drugs,
We're high off life.

Adrenaline pumping through our veins,
As we silently,
Quietly,
Run up the road,
Bare foot,
Holding flipflops,

So your mom doesn't hear us,
Running away from the house,
From our demons.

Only we exist,
In this nightly world,
Darkness surrounds us,

But its not scary,
Its comforting.

Heaving chests,
Lips connect.

We're tired from chasing a feeling,
Out of breathe from running away,

And i'll always have you,
Nothing can take you away.

Its summer, and we're teenagers,
And we're ******.

We're getting married one day anyways.
S <3
Mims Jul 2018
Counting calories when I'm bored
Analyzing fat
Comparing flatness
I am the queen of obsession
So quickly
So easily
And then it is too late
So I don't let myself think about it constantly
I try not to
But I do
And all my friends say I have the flattest stomach
But when I look in the mirror
All I can see
Is how my thighs are thicker than last year

I have connected pain with reward
That if it hurts its healing
That if I'm hungry I'll improve
The red is rising with no ceiling
Keeping low to the ground
Not taking off my shirt when I kiss you

Crying with no sound
Not letting myself miss you

Processed sugar is a no
But I am so cold


All the time.
Pressure
This is a part 2 to a poem I posted here last February with the same title. My issues with eating have switched since then, and they are not large issues. But they're there.
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