Mims 4d
It's funny

I never thought I was sick enough for the ambulances
Mims 6d
After something like that
How could you keep breathing

why would you want to?
...
Mims 7d
Surprisingly
My ceiling hasn't changed
In the eleven months
That I've been staring at it.

Maybe it's not the ceiling that I want to change

...
Mims Apr 18
I am depressed again.

I'm not mad at myself for it.

I realized because things that don't usually bother me
Are starting to eat away at me like invisible cancer
That doesn't show up on the scans
But I can feel it in my chest
An illness only I can see

I am diseased
Mentally

My brain has been infected with bugs lately
Everyone of them attempting to convince me I am not worth the work or the money or the hurt
That maybe none of this matters
That maybe I miss them

That maybe
It still makes me sad
To wonder about.  

I started staying up late again
Feeling sad and alone into the early hours of the morning

Depression is so frustrating because everyone around you has no idea what's happening so you just stand there talking nonsense trying not to let them peek but some part of you wants them to understand so badly

But how could they?
After all

Depression lusts after lonely
Depression sweeps isolation up in his arms and twirls her
Romantically
Depression loves that I love how I write when he's here
Depression doesn't have a name
But when he visits me I am split between angry and nostalgia

Because I know sad
Well
It is familiar
It is like family
It visits me
And I cannot decide how long it will stay
But I can brave conversations

I cannot run away.
I know my brain. I know it will be over in a few days
But I also know that right now
I'm in a great deal of pain
Mims Apr 15
Some girls get personally offended that I don't wear thongs to hip-hop class
Girls
girls
Girlworld

I live in a small town with even smaller minded people
Where the women never blossom into swans
Just fairly racist chickens
And the men stick around long enough to wean their boys on alcohol and guns and then they leave with the son's respect for women
And their daughters hope for men

I want to paint my room
Yellow, or gray, or blue
Anything but this purple
I want to paint over the galaxy I wrote for you

I wear boxer shorts to bed
They're stolen from the first time I laid my hand on a woman
The first time I tasted alcohol
She was wearing them when I tasted her
I took them to remind myself
These things actually happen
That I am allowed to feel
That my wild side need not be confined

When I was young I fought so hard to be living
At least, I thought I did
But I didn't really
It's impossible to fight smoke
Or cigar ash
Or shoelaces
Or the rainbow liquid dripping out of the bottom of the blue suburban

The truth is
And has always been
I'm not sure of what I am supposed to be fighting
Is it the girls?
The money?
The standards?
The lonely?
There is only one thing I will ever be sure of about life

And that is that now,

I enjoy it.
The title was originally a shopping list
Then I realized it summed me up pretty well right now
So I wrote
And I wrote
Until there was nothing left to give
Till this ocean was empty
Till it all drained out of my head
You see that's what you get
When you swim in the ocean
Especially my ocean.
Mims Apr 13
I watched a movie
That comedically displayed
Suicide
And goddamn
Did I try to be offended
The whole time
But I feel like
For me at least
When you've been suicidal before
And you watch a movie
Like that
And everyone laughs
You learn to laugh along too.

And maybe
Some people
Could take offense
But that movie is a masterpiece

I learned somewhere along the way
(Maybe when I lost all faith in humanity)
That some things
You just gotta laugh at

The kids who make the most jokes about suicide and depression
Have often lived it
Dark humor
Is more or less,
Earned

And I think I've payed my dues.
I deserve to laugh at this kid tryna kill himself. It's fucking hilarious
Mims Apr 13
I want to be done in the way that isn't final

Maybe just be in a coma for like
Three years

And not have to worry about anything
Or see anyone
Or go anywhere

People get exhausting
Work piles up
Money becomes not worth it

Emptiness make you wanna give up

Drowning in homework
Or your own blood

A constant headache
A steady job

I feel like I'm withering away

Even though I'm so young
And I really shouldn't complain

My life is pretty okay

But the more friends I make

The more tired I get
The more they wanna talk
The less I do
And I can feel myself pushing away
Because they're "normies"
They'd never understand

And I'm trying to plan my whole life out in front of me
Even though obstacles keep delaying me
And people keep disappointing me

I have to remember
Again
And again

The world doesn't revolve around me
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