confined to four blank walls my whole life
my soul untethered, my hands chained to walls
escaping through my own mind time after time
wondering what the outside world must look like
I’ve always been a dreamer, a romantic, a fantasist
I try to escape, I fail, I try again
my legs are ****** and my abdomen scarred
there are marks of defeat on my face
and a fire burning in my eyes
for no life is truly lived if it is not lived free
and no death is truly death, if it sets you free

so burn me to ashes and turn me to flame
then scatter me across the globe
may tulips grow from my empty eye sockets
and roses between my ribs
may apple trees grow from my fingers
and old ferns from my neck
sprinkle me in the deepest river
and toss me in the valleys of snow
empty me into the soil and let me grow
and once that is done, I will finally be able to see
the world I’ve always dreamt of coming to me
in death I will find my living
and in death I will find my peace
*light me on fire
and set me free

I thought I could handle this
because I thought I’d seen it all before
I thought I knew the patterns
I thought I’d be okay when you walked through the door

I thought I could manage the fights
and the hate and the anger
because I expected it before it even began
I thought I was prepared for the happy never after

I waited for the bad
I didn’t even bother hoping for the good
momentary bliss
is what I was in it for

but when you told me last night
that I didn’t mean a thing
when you told me last night
that all this was a fling
when you smiled that beautiful smile
and turned me into flames
when you looked me straight in the eyes
and told me it was all a silly game

“oh”
I realized
*“he’s a whole new kind of heartbreak”

it's raining and
the sky is cracking and
the clouds are growling and
all i can hear
with my ill ear
are the gentle drops of rain

the rain has broken
all the telephone wires
there is static when i try
to reach out to you
the internet died
sometime last night
and there's no way i can
speak to you

the cable was taken away and
the lights are flickering and
my phone short-circuted and
my laptop overheated and

i'm disconnected

i'm thinking back
to our last few days
and thinking of
the words i never heard
the words you never heard
when the calls dropped and
the line went numb
did you ever even hear me
when i whispered
"stay"

and i wonder now
maybe that was the problem all along
maybe we were always on the verge
of making our always into forever
and maybe our love just got stuck in

bad connection.

We order a mushroom-cheese omelet

Now see you’re the kind of guy who eats jam on toast
And I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t eat toast as all
So when the plate comes, I give you both pieces of toast
And you spread the strawberry jam on it
While I’m busy cutting the omelet in half
But before taking a bite of anything
We both pick up a hashbrown simultaneously
As if somehow we’d planned the entire thing
And we both take a bite of it and
We love it
It’s cooked to perfection and potatoes are my weakness
Back to the omlet though,
So I’m not that great at cutting
And the omelet cut unevenly in half
So you take the smaller piece
Even though you’re bigger than me
And I steal the bigger piece
Even though I’m smaller than you
And you eat your half in three bites
While I’m struggling with mine
And the string cheese is caught somewhere between
My fingers, my mouth and the plate
And it takes me a while to eat
About twenty bites in, there’s no way I can eat more
So I ask you to eat what’s leftover
I guess I should have given you the bigger half to begin with
But I guess that’s just how we work
Where you’ll always take the smaller portion
But end up eating most of the food
Because I’ll always take the bigger portion
And leave most of it untouched
You eat my leftovers in two bites
And the coffee arrives
I almost knock over your espresso
While reaching for the complimentary cookie
I eat my cookie
And then I eat half of yours too
And by this time I’m pretty full
But I see a sign for a free cookie
And I want it
You don’t really care for it but you laugh
Because you haven’t seen me want anything as bad
As the cookie (it's free!)
And so you get me the free cookie
And I’m too full to eat it
So I put it in my bag
Very proudly; it’s my success for the day
I finish my Americano faster than you finish your single shot espresso
So you give me a sip of yours
But you drop a few drops on me
And now my pants look like they have blood stains
And I smell of espresso
And you’re trying to clean it with a tissue
But the waiter thinks we’re doing something naughty
So I tell you to stop
And even if we were doing something naughty
Who’s the waiter to say anything anyways
Anyways
So we finish out coffee and we call for an uber
And my pants are stained
And I’m carrying my cookie
And I don’t think I’ve ever been happier
While we wait for the uber
You steal my glasses
And you try them on
They look funny on you
I like them on you
I think I like you
And you can’t see anything
And I can’t see anything either
Except for your outline
That’s enough for me
So the uber comes
And he calls us
And we’re leaving
At the counter you pay
And I see a Nutella cookie in the window
I want it
But you just paid for breakfast
So I’ll keep quiet
We sit in the car
And I put on pomegranate lipbalm
And I give you some too
Your lips look nice and soft now
And I think today has been a really great day
And I think you fit me well
Because you love toast and I leave toast
And it works out
(except for that baked tomato no one ate)
But look the point is
Is that we work
Well.
And we squish in the back of an uber
And guess what?
The seat was made for two.

We ordered a mushroom-cheese omelet
It was a good day

you always spoke of a brighter future
were you referring to the 9 to 5 jobs?
to the apple pie life
or the romance lacking relationship with your wife?
did you mean the mortgages,
the taxes, or the men with grey hair in grey suits?
the jobs you do just for the money
or the people who speak too much, but are still mute?
did you mean the polluted skies or the cursing taxi drivers?
did you mean the way when she touches you, you feel no fire?
how nothing makes you feel alive
but you’re still not really dead?
how nothing is wrong
but you’re itching to put a bullet through your head?
when you said you were working towards a better future
did you mean a life of monotony, dullness and boredom?
what happened to your love of adventure, of mystery,
to your dreams of martyrdom?

looking back now,
would you take it all back?
would you change the way you did things
fill in the gaps?
or would you continue to oblige to the rules and regulations
would you still mindlessly follow the system?
would you carry on doing what they tell you?
those who bossed you around, would you still be with them?
or would you soar and fly
ask questions, ask why?
would you run in the jungles
and climb the highest mountains
would you swim in the seas
and tell your beloveds that you love them?

we only have one life
and we’re always waiting for it to change
we’re working towards a future
to which we have no claim
live, live, I beg you to live
make mistakes and fall
then get back on your feet
don’t hesitate, take it all
for the future is not ours
and the past is too late
but we have the present
don’t let it go to waste

for truly,
who would ever want to kiss a girl
with cut lips
and scarred wrists?

there's the freedom
and then there's the silence
i could probably reach out
and break the silence
but it's taboo to tell the truth
except when it came to you

if i tell her i'm on drugs
it'll be oh poor child
announcing it on every tv station
every corner of the world will know
her daughter is better than me
(even though she sleeps with a different
woman every night)
but i'm the one on drugs

and then you tell
your friend and she listens
and she listens
and she listens
until the words float around her head
and stop meaning
and she goes numb
hasn't slept in days
and the words have
lost their meaning
you've repeated the same story
so many times
she'll hear it again
but you lost the impact
and
she won't say
you poor child
it's not what you want to hear
it's what you need to hear
maybe not

the rest of them
the rest of them are gone
and there's that one in the red shirt
but she's talking about knees and bees
and i don't think she wants to talk about me
but i want to talk about me
i want to tell someone how i feel
how the freedom lasted a week
then the silence
then the silence

now the silence

and you used to listen
to my stories of blood and roses
and somewhere in between
the lick of insanity which took away
your pain
and the lick of insanity
that brought it back
you found me
a mouthful of insanity
in a world of the sane
and i took away your pain
to give it back
harder
faster
you made me scream
harder
faster
you made me scream
it hurt
you hurt
you really hurt
but you were the pain
that reminded me
why i lived because
the freedom
then the silence
the silence doesn't feel
it doesn't hurt
i haven't cried in a week
you know?
i haven't cried in a week
and it's probably the drugs
but i haven't cried in a week

oh wait
no, i did cry
they were doing this workshop
and they talked about being forced into giving head
and i cried
i cried
infront of the crowd i cried because
i remembered
and i remember
and it wasn't all bad
it was kinda fun
but you know
the greatest things hurt the most
and i didn't like it very much

maybe it's the drugs.

but it wasn't just losing you

it was losing out on all the memories to-be
like your mother's fortieth birthday
your baby cousin's first day at school
your uncle's wedding *(i'd already picked out my clothes)

it meant missing you at my graduation
and you never seeing my little sister grow
never tasted the fresh morning brew my dad makes
or listening to my mom recite

losing you wasn't just losing you
it was losing everything around you
and in a way,
*it meant losing myself too.

call me when you miss me -

you said

- call me when you miss me -

tell me
how do i tell you
that i do not miss you
i do not need you
i am happier without you

but

the comfort and the
heart of someone who
loves you
really was gold
and i miss the way
i had someone to hold
and the sound of your laugh
(the real laugh, not
the fake one you did
in public)
is sweeter than the
sound of my favorite song
and my favorite song
is always going to be
the one that sounds too good
to be true
because the last time i listened to
it
i was with you

so tell me
how do i tell you
that there's just
this longing for having
someone
who
loves you?
and it's selfish and cruel
but it would
be really nice to just
say hello
and hear the familiarity
in your voice
when everything here
is so **** foreign
and i can't speak the
language of love to them
or the language
of home.

winter break of 2016 was
the best time of my entire life
and the 9th of june
is still a wonderland in my mind
and the rest of the days
are like shattered glass and
broken minds but
it's okay sometimes because
right now
as sick as i am
as broken
as torn
it would just be nice
to say hello

- call me when you miss me -

you said

- call me when you miss me -

i don't know what that's supposed to mean
i don't know if "missing you" entails
romance part II
or starting something new
but between me and you
that's just not something i want to do
would it be too good to be true
to have someone
who didn't always feel so new
i want something old and torn
something frayed and worn
something made of the same
skin that is mine
something that
doesn't make me lose my mind
something
a lot
like
home.

- call me when you miss me -

you said

- call me when you miss me -

wouldn't do you ***** like that
leave you in the cold and rain
wouldn't do you ***** like that
to drown in your own pain
I know they say you can't save anyone
or put bandaids on bullet holes
but better to be a bandaid than a bystander
or to shoot me in the first place
wouldn't do you ***** like that
i know i can't fix you but i tried
you can't **** someone up this bad and walk away
accountability is dead; privilege blooms
i wish i were as entitled as you.

your cheeks blush
a light red, a dark pink
and i think to myself
maybe it's time
that i wash off the
oppression from your skin
the colonial violence
and the crimes against humanity
your eyes are a certain kind
of blue that i always
associated with privilege and pain
but maybe there's more to them
the ocean under the moon
the poppies mid-june
you burn under the sun
but maybe that isn't a punishment from God
instead a blessing from the
God of Sun who loves you
so much that She can't help but
kiss you just a little too long
your white skin speaks
of your history with your all too obvious
scars and bruises that shine
(you couldn't ever see mine)
maybe they are not from the wars you started
but the ones you fought
protecting yourself from your
own demons
while you button your shirt,
i see the light shadow of blonde
clean-shaven, button-up in a suit
white men with power over me
white men who want to hurt me
i am the enemy, i think.
he is the enemy, i think.
they are the enemy, i think.
or maybe-
maybe he is the midnights turned morning
the coffee and the cream cheese
the husband
the father
the start of a revolution
colored light brown, dark white
the lineage that is not of oppressors
the lineage that is not of the oppressed
the lineage
that is us-
survivors, fighters, or simply-
just two kids in love.

may 3 at 10:18am:
"and one more thing, i know you won't accept it, but i'm sorry. for everything. to you, and her. i know i can't fix anything, but the least i can do is repent for my mistakes."

you message my best friend
because i'm under the radar
and we don't really talk anymore
she keeps this a secret
because she knows any sign of you
will bring me back on my knees
begging for you to take me back
she cares too much for me
to let me put myself back in that position
she knows what you've done to me
she knows how you're my favorite brand of poison
so she keeps it quiet
until she thinks i'm over you
and then forwards me your message
so casually
like
"oh yeah, he says he's sorry"
AS IF YOU APOLOGIZING MEANS NOTHING
I KNOW SHE HAD GOOD INTENTIONS
BUT HOW COULD SHE KEEP THIS FROM ME
YOU SAYING SORRY
MEANS YOU REGRET
LETTING ME GO
MAYBE YOU STILL LOVE ME
MAYBE YOU WANT TO COME BACK
HOW COULD SHE KEEP THIS FROM ME
FOR 6 WHOLE MONTHS
HOW COULD SHE NOT TELL ME
WHEN EVERY SINGLE DAY
I LONG FOR A WORD FROM YOU
A SIGN
THAT I'M STILL ON YOUR MIND
HOW
COULD SHE
STEAL THE
ONE CHANCE I HAD
TO TAKE YOU BACK
YOU PROBABLY THINK
I STILL HATE YOU
THAT YOU'RE STILL UNFORGIVEN
...but love means never having to say you're sorry
i never needed an apology
even though i had to watch you leave
left me broken
left me for dead
but you're still the only thought
floating around in my head
babe, i forgive you
if that's all you need to hear
to come back to me
to come near
i forgive you
a thousand times over
i'll forgive you once more
if it means you'll come closer
what happened,
happened,
it's in the past
maybe we just weren't
meant to last
but set fire to that
and let's begin again
i want to be your lover
i want to be your friend
it's okay if you
want to take it slow
i have all the time in the world for you
just please, *please, don't go
i never thought
i'd even be a fleeting thought for you
and now, 6 months later
i realize
maybe you really do still care
maybe you want to give it another shot
i know it's not a lot
but it's a chance
one in a million
one gazillionth of a possibility
that you still want me
i'll gamble it all
i have nothing to lose
cause i lost all i had
when i lost *you

you held me down and pinned both my wrists to my sides while i screamed and i yelled and i abused everything in sight. your body weight kept me down; you were strong enough to keep me from hurting myself but gentle enough not to hurt me. i cried and i thrashed and i told you i didn't love you anymore i told you that you were the problem i blamed you for everything wrong in my life and you just stayed put without a single word and didn't stop me because you knew when i entered this state of mind, you just had to let it play out its course. i had a shaking body and a tear-stained face but at least i did not have ****** wrists. i eventually cried it out and as i lost energy from the fight i gave up and my body went limp. you let go of me then and sat right besides me. you held my cold body close to you and the sound of my slow breathing played in your ears all night. you couldn't sleep, how could you? my vile words and false accusations tore through your heart and your mind and even though you knew i didn't mean them it didn't matter because these words would go through your head for the rest of your life. but you put them aside and watched the rise and fall of my chest, thankful that the heart underneath it was still beating and that's what kept you going. sometimes you wondered whether the real me was the one late at night who left bruises and cuts on your chest when i tried to push you away so that i could hurt myself again or the 10am me who begged for your forgiveness, the one with dark circles under her eyes and regret in her veins. sometimes you think back to the time i pushed you out the front door and you sat outside on the doorstep until i opened it 5 hours later and fell into your arms sobbing. sometimes you think back to the time i baked you cookies and cupcakes and burnt them a little because i've never been able to create with my hands, only destroy. at the end of it all, you watch me sleep, my tiny body cuddled into yours and even after all is said and done, you look up to the night sky and thank the stars and the sky and destiny or whatever greater power is out there for keeping me safe just this one more night.

i want to bury you deep beneath;
you're too beautiful,
too beautiful for me.

woke up in the middle of the night screaming your name; God knows i felt the pain. seeing you in my dream with your lips so near. bringing my mouth down near your ear. then whispering to you pretty words of wonder. not distance nor death could have left us asunder.
i know love hurts, but tell me darling, can it ****? with the amount of blood on my pillow case, i'm certain it will. it is not the bad but the good which haunts me so; makes me wonder why i ever told you to go. because last night that glimpse of you was enough- to remind me that you're the only one i love.
but i'm bleeding, i'm broken, i'm yearning still. i'm hoping, i'm hoping that you are well. because waking up to silence and fear: isn't something i'd want for you, dear. is it too late for me to reverse the past? i've heard spoken words cannot be taken back. may i try, at least, to rekindle the flame? this dream has reminded me of why i always wanted yours next to my name. but then again, i suppose the blood is enough of a sign- to prove that maybe it's best you're not mine. or maybe you are in the depths of your heart. maybe we can go back to the start.
i'm hoping, i'm praying, i'm crying for you. maybe, oh maybe, this love is true. if it is then i have no fear. true love always keeps you near. you won't be far for long, my dear. & i'll never let you go once you're here.

dear god,
you were introduced to me as kind, forgiving, generous. whenever i made a mistake, i didn't feel the need to come apologize to you because i thought you'd know it was a mistake and forgive me. not once in my life have i gone out of my way to hurt anyone. any pain i may have caused anyone was unintentional. like the way i broke my sister's arm- i didn't mean it. we were playing. my parents may not have understood that, but i knew you would understand because you were always- you have always been- my best friend.
i am eighteen now and i've made more mistakes than i can count. these mistakes didn't hurt anyone but myself. i made bad decisions out of vulnerability, desire, fear. and i thought you'd understand. i stayed up a few nights explaining to you exactly what happened (you were there though, so i probably didn't even need to do that). i ******* up, i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i swear to god. i mean, i swear to you.
but recently i'm being told by everyone around me that i need to repent and beg for forgiveness. god, i don't understand. why would i say sorry to you for my mistake? you created me. you knew i was made to make mistakes. if you wanted me to be perfect, you would have made me so. but you didn't. i've always come to you in times of need, in times of confusion and pain. you have guided me, i have trusted you, you told my secrets to no one.
why now, must i beg for forgiveness? you know me better than i know myself. you know i have always sacrificed myself for those i love, i never wanted anyone to hurt.
i am lying here with a broken heart and a the words are twisting in throat. my stomach is on fire and every breath is a struggle. i am thankful that i do not need to speak for you to hear me. god, tell me this, why must i beg for forgiveness when i know that you have forgiven me? i know you have forgiven me for being human. you made me human in the first place.
other humans will not forgive me.
you will. you always have.

please help me understand.
regards,
your human.

maybe it’s music
maybe it’s art
maybe it’s poetry
maybe it’s a joint
maybe it’s the color of your eyes
or maybe it’s the taste of your lips
which act as a frivolous distraction
an attempt to fill the void
to give me the sense of fulfillment I so desperately crave
I will continue to indulge myself in intoxicating heedlessness
until I have found what I am looking for
or fall to my grave in the process

When I think of man
I think strength
Power

Indestructibility

The boy that I love
He walks so mean
His arms
The veins bulge
And his eyes
Are so sharp

I wonder
Do men get sick?

I am the female
Days of illness
Wrapped in bed and
Hot water bottles
Aspirin and morphine
Are my best friends

I am frail
Small
Fragile, possibly

But man
Man does not hurt
Does not cry
Does not crumble
Man stands strong
Man does not fall
Man cannot fall

Man is power.

this year,
I'll wear purple on christmas
maybe add a little blue here & there
a splash of red near my sleeves
ah, yes, that'll do well

no one
can ever
replace you.

lovers
sinners
and best friends.

fun and emotional
support you were
everything.

continents away
and a couple
men later i know

it's always
going to be
me and you.

oh God*
please don't let that song come on the radio
it reminds me of the curve of his back
and the way his hair curled in the front
of the night he snuck out to come see me
and i was lost for words
but full of kisses
when i saw him standing at my door
messy hair and sleepy eyes at 2am
saying "i just had to see you"
don't let it remind me of
all the nights i cried myself to sleep
hearing his voice on the phone
telling me baby it'll be okay
or the early morning video calls
where he'd wake me with a smile
letting me know that there was reason
to still go on
that song reminds me
of driving through the sunset
turning on the radio
and simultaneously saying
"hey thats my song"
oh God
don't let that song come on the radio
it'll remind me of the way
his tongue slid down my abdomen
and his nails scratched my hip bones
my hands in his hair
don't let that song
take me back to the time
my legs were thrown over his
while he fed me french fries
with his mouth
i won't have any other choice
but to remember the hint of hazel in his eyes
the gaps between his teeth
the freckle near his eyes
the feeling of the summer breeze
when it was just him and me
oh God
don't let that song come on the radio
it belongs to me and him
it belongs to another age
another time
another era
it belongs to
*for(n)ever.

sometimes it seems that
world peace will come faster
than *peace of mind

i wonder if my name dances round and round in your head like a mantra
i wonder if it pops up in the middle of conversations, if you hear the syllables like a call to prayer
i wonder if it makes you wish you were dead
no; i wonder if it makes you wish i were dead
i wonder if you wake up in the morning and for a quick second you can't remember why you hurt
then loud and clear it shrills, ringing in your head, a reminder of your destruction
i wonder if they ask you why you look so burnt
i wonder if my name whispers itself into your ear but you stay silent
i wonder if it laughs when they tell you that love is the answer
i wonder if it cries when they tell you that love is the devil
do you stand straight like a soldier being called on to the battlefield
when you hear something that rhymes with it
or do you crawl into a hole within yourself and let the moment pass?
does it lull you to sleep late at night when the demons play
does it scream in your head when you're somewhere between life and death?
do you remember my name, my love? do you remember it soft, loud, and alive? do you remember my name, my love, do you remember it well? do you remember my name, my love, because it remembers you. do you remember my name, my love, because it has not forgotten you.

turning someone else's pain
into our poetry
is a crime we're all guilty of
putting ourselves in their shoes
just to be able to recreate their distress
on paper
momentarily,
just to feel something
to be able to write
to connect with the words we type

we're empty inside
we've been ****** dry
exhausted our pain
completely drained
with all our worries having drenched the paper
too many times before- flooded.

we turn to someone else
internalizing their woes
stealing their sorrows
so that we have something worth writing about

we need to write
it is vital for our survival
so we turn to victims of hurt
of abuse, of loss, of misery
we turn to you

we are
bloodthirsty; savages

pain is our medicine
it's what keeps us alive
i suppose it's a good thing
that there's enough to go around