her body
life-
less.
frail & cold.
i love-
d her.
i let her go.
i regret

all the moments
i did not hold her close.
it is
too...
late, now.

she belongs to the earth.

*maybe she was never mine.
i did not try;
hard enough.

"i can't box you"* he says to me
narrowing his firewood eyes
the silver air breathing spring
i get closer to the warmth of his body
and smile-

because i can box myself so ******* perfectly
it's the thing i hate the most
i'm your typical straight A
anghsty teenager
who never called herself a poet
but spends her days writing
to boys who never loved her
and a dad who was never there
i had a photography phase-
which girl hasn't?
took pictures of people
when they weren't looking
finding beauty in others
when what i needed most
was to find beauty in myself
went through an anorexic phase
i'm better now-
skinnier than before, but,
i eat a single 1200 calorie meal
but take my coffee without sugar
(saving the dime and spending the dollar)
tried finding myself by hurting myself
and even though the blades disappeared after a while
the pain kinda lasted
but you know, it's not all that bad
i mean, i eat, i sleep, i jog, i read
i sing in the shower
i live in a house with a mom who loves me
a sister who loves me so much that she hates me
i'm your typical kid
stuck between self-worship and self-loathing
loved taylor swift,
loved fallout boy
get the picture now?
thought that rebelling would give me fulfillment
cut my hair and dyed it orange
ran away to my best friend's house
watched her have *** with boys twice her age
sat alone in a corner away from their embraces
because the black eyeliner and leather jacket
still hadn't seeped their way into my heart
(don't touch me i'm afraid)
i had my first kiss at 16
i had *** at 17
i had my first pregnancy scare at 18
(don't worry we used protection)
i promised to marry him
but kept him a secret because my parents wouldn't approve
come on-
does it get more 'boxable' than that?

'you're so different.' he mumbles
between breaths tainted with the taste of my skin
i play with his fingers
(i think i'm in love with the birthmark on his knuckles)
he takes my silence for agreement
and i kiss him goodnight
driving back to my white-picket fence house
taking off my shoes before entering
my mom doesn't like ***** shoes on the carpet.

his eyes dripped melted diamonds
his words flowed like a stream of red wine
his physique sculpted by the hands of donatello
his skin was the finest silk of africa
he was a man of the world
made of the finest taste
and what can i say?
*i was blown away.

it seems like such a haze
my past has been set ablaze
i went on my very first date
in three years and the whole
time i was wondering back
to what it felt like when it was
me and you
everything's different this time
and i don't know where i am
floating in between hellos
and goodbyes i feel like
i'm caught in between love
and loss
its getting hard to get by
and i don't know if i really want
to try
with someone new and he's here
telling me about his daddy issues
and i'm thinking about
how you never dealt with yours

this doesn't feel good
goodnight.

i watched the pigeon
fly in circles
and wondered why
he didn't fly away

in the window of
a city apartment
he built his nest
and it seemed as if
he planned to stay

functional wings
and no constraints on flight
i questioned why
he didn't fly west to green meadows and clear skies
instead he chose the bleakest grey

and yet maybe i should
turn the question on myself
despite my freedom and wings
why indeed did i choose not to leave;
*why instead did i choose to stay?

you are wrigley's spearmint
and a little bit of sweat
you are white and grey
black and blue
you are a big slice of pizza
(the butter is mine)
you are envelopes
and hershey's
long fingers
small nose
birthmarks
and flaws
you are violence and forgiveness
pain and discomfort
warmth and silence
hurt
you are hurt

you are a memory
a moment
an association unlimited by time
perhaps this world will always be littered
with reminders of when you were mine

it's okay to want home
when everything is just so foreign

yesterday i caught myself buying iced coffee
anyone who knows me knows that i like my coffee hot
anyone who knows you knows that you do not

my playlist looks like a walk down your memory lane

you frustrate me in more ways than one
i can't decide if you are a curse or a blessing

i used to know a boy who said the same about me
he stopped putting milk in his coffee because that's how i take mine;
black

i think i love you as much as he loved me

i think the world would be a better place if we all just drank the coffee that we like
coffee is not a substitute for love
i forget that sometimes

i stay loyal to you even in another man's arms

**** iced coffee

i keep looking
for a trace of
myself
in your art

because
my poetry
is
entirely
made of
you.

but
i suppose
i loved
&
lost

whereas
you
gained
&
gained
&
gained.

jaan ** yaar tum meri
i was on the floor
brushing away the
broken pieces and remains
of who i was and the
future i had
and you were there
covered in all the words
i wish i'd never said
out of which perhaps
the one that burnt the
most was
i love you
people in love don't
hurt each other like
this and i shouldn't
have loved you if
it meant hurting you
and after every fight
every broken bone
you held me and whispered
jaan ** tum meri*
you are my life
and like waves crashing
at the shoreline
i felt like
you had touched me in
a way that changed
me forever

when you're 17
you're trapped in the fallacy
that things can only get better
that this is the worst that it's ever going to be
that the best is yet to come

you think that this is the worst it can get
a broken heart and a worn out mind
a couple rough nights and cloudy mornings
you think that the sunrise is right around the corner
that you're working towards
a better future

you come out alive with cuts and bruises
a few broken bones
and you wait by the corner of the street
for a new world to take you away
and then you realize
this pain,
this pain is here to stay

and then one day you wake up
you're 37 years old
you thought it'd never get worse
but now,
even the dream of a better future
is gone with the wind
& that broken heart
it never got fixed
still 17 at heart
waiting for a better day;
fading away,
*fading away.

i suppose i knew you no longer loved me
when you stopped saying "goodnight"
& began saying "*goodbye"

some people are so much easier to love after they’re




                                                            ­                                                    gone

i imagine my grave to be in my backyard
under the old oak tree
no marker or stone
just soil sprinkled over me

close to the house full of memories
where my children were birthed
anniversaries, birthdays, family dinners
my favorite place on earth

i want the birds to build their nests
and their young to sing their songs
above me, they shall rejoice
remind of when I was once young

please grow daisies on my grave
the yellow ones are the best
they'll bloom & spread
and provide tiny creatures with a place to rest

don't worry about visiting me
i'll be as happy as can be
just knowing you're living your life
with purpose, happiness, productively

when, however, you miss me so
come sit at the bark of the tree
tell me about your worries & joys
let it all out to me

i'll listen & my response will come
with the waves of the breeze
you'll find rest in that heart of yours
and we shall both be at peace

eventually spring shall come & flowers shall bloom
then turn into autumn then summer
i'll silently watch the beauty of each
& watch the warm breeze turn into winter

when winter comes and the trees are bare
i'll enjoy the warmth deep down
i'll picture my loved ones near the fireplace
and my face will brighten with a smile, not a frown

i ask for nothing to remember me by
no need to even leave a trace
just know that under the soil of the old oak tree
*there's a smile on my face

you are the reason behind my late night shots of whiskey

i spray your perfume on my wrist
rub them together, hoping for the best
i see my veins swell as it crawls up my arm
tattooing your name through my bloodstream
my body is having an allergic reaction
to the smell of you, and i'm holding on
remember the smell of your skin that day
mid-afternoon, hidden away
i remember the first time i touched your chest
after that, i forget the rest
these memories are crawling on me like scars
and i rush to put my wrist under water
but its too late
or maybe its fate
i'm tattooed with the thought of you
my blood runs all shades of grey
my heart slows down, ready to take me away
in a trance, back in your arms
and the feeling of your lips on mine
back to those days when everything was alright
and home wasn't confined to a spray of a perfume
or the scent of the past
these days it seems home grows further
every time i get closer

the sun hid behind the clouds
causing the 9am sky to be a dusty blue
with rays of sun peeking through every now and then
it was mid-winter and the air was crisp
it smelt of the new year, full of hopes and dreams, love and life
the two of them were found sitting at a little table at a room-large restaurant
in the crowded, busy city center
she wore a pale yellow shalwaar kameez
with a light brown pashmina shawl draped around her narrow shoulders
to protect her from the frosty wind which blew back her dupatta
he still had sleepy eyes and unmade bed hair
she'd dragged him out of bed a little too early
it had been a long night, and it had taken a lot of strength to leave his blanket in the early morning hours
but looking at her eccentric face right now made him realize he'd leave anything to be with her right now
she asked him what he wanted to eat
and he was pulled out of the trance, staring into her green-brown eyes reflecting in the morning sun
"jo tum kaho" he smiled that little side smile at her, letting her order for him
the smile she had fallen in love with on the very first day
8 months ago, in the middle of summer when fate intervened and crossed their paths
she called the waiter and ordered two cups of chai and asked him to bring her parathas straight off the stove
"and keep them coming!" she yelled after the waiter who walked a few steps away to the tiny corner kitchen wide enough for a single man, maybe two
"keep them coming?" he looked at her, a little skeptical
"trust me on this one" she smiled widely at him, "if you can't eat them, i will"
that made him laugh, he knew she wouldn't be able to handle more than two
but he just smiled & nodded, anything she wanted, anything she desired, he couldn't help but grant her
she kicked off her khussas and scrunched her knees on the plastic garden chair
closing her eyes and inhaling the winter air
he looked at her and thought to himself
she is my breath of fresh air
and somehow, call it a sixth sense, she noticed his eyes on her
"kya dekh rahey **?" she pouted her lips
"bus...tumhey" he laughed
she hid her face in her dupatta
"stop it!" she giggled
he leaned over the table and pulled her dupatta away, lowering his voice as he said
"you're beautiful"
she caught her breath, lost in his mahogany eyes- strong, protective, loving
the waiter interrupted them, placing their order on infront of them
"yay. khaana's here! she yelled
to be honest, she was thankful it had come
she felt embarrassed by the grip his gaze had on her
and she was a little hungry too
she reached for a paratha, immediately pulling away and ****** her fingers
"it's too garam" she made a face
he split the paratha, unflinching, and gave her half
"i'm still stronger than you." she said
"i know." he made a kissy face at her
she wanted to reach over and kiss his pouting lips
but she she pretended as if she as unconcerned and began her food
a paratha and a cup of chai later she put her hands on her stomach
"i'm full"
he looked at the three parathas infront of them, the waiter bringing the fourth as per the order
he shook his head
"tum bhi na."
he told the waiter to parcel the rest of the food as he took the last sip of chai
the caffeine worked its way through his body and he stretched away the sleep
"you're full? chalo, okay, i had planned on ordering gulaab jamuns for dessert. i guess i'll have to eat them alone."
her mouth opened in shock, then, realizing he was joking, she smiled cheekily
"i always have space for a gulaab jamun or two."
he laughed, wondering how she managed to make him fall deeper in love with her as the moments passed
they sat under the shade of the gulmohar tree and ate their dessert in silence
taking in the beauty of the weather, of the city, of each other, of the moment
and as the sun reached for the sky, higher and higher
she reached for his hand
gentle, kind, warm
her touch sent a buzz through his body
"i love you" she whispered
he could only stare at her delicate pink lips as she spoke
realizing he had found within her an everlasting future
he smiled at the thought
he'd never thought he'd fall in love with such a silly, gulaab jamun-loving girl
but now, it seemed like she was the only star in his night sky
his shooting star
his hope
**his love.

you're older now
another year gone
i hope it was
full of love
i hope the next
is even better
days of joy
and gorgeous weather

you're older now
another year gone
it's been too many
since i was yours
but know that i
still think of you
every 10th of october
and all the other days too

you're older now
another year gone
i want to wish you
i don't want you to be alone
but the situation calls
for distance to intervene
and it's best if you
stay away from me

so instead, i'll turn
to the next best option
i'll write you this poem
and forget about you, after
i'll wish you the best
hope your life is full of goodness
and keep quiet about
how i wish i was part of it

i'll send you love
through these words of mine
hope you succeed
and make the most of your time
you have within you
a world unexplored
don't let them ever
tell you who you are

shine through,
every moment you get
reach your full potential
never settle for second best
live passionately
be happy
love deeply
be free

maybe one day
years from today
i'll be able to
wish you on your birthday
but until then
these words must suffice
happy birthday, darling
i wish you the most wonderful life

my nightmares have turned to fanstasies
i'm tearing at my skin
i'm praying for pain on the outside
to help numb the pain within.

everyone speaks of going to heaven
"may his soul rest in peace"
acting as if they don't realize
he chose this for himself
conciously decided to take his life
he did not grow wings and fly away
his coffin is not empty
it has a body
and that body has rope marks
around the neck
his hands are cold
his eyes are shut
his organs are slowly rotting away
it is not beautiful
he is not an angel
he is the dead remains
of what once was
and all those saying
"he is in a better place"
have absolutely no proof of their statement
and neither did he,
all he knew was
that no matter what awaited him in the afterlife,
it could be no worse than the life he was living right now
it was not an accident
he did not fall,
he jumped
he chose to die
he chose to die this way
because the pain of death
& the pain of the dead
was nothing in comparison to the pain of life & the living
because it was easier
to hang himself from the hook on the ceiling
than to wake up the next morning
and look at himself in the mirror
he could not run from life
unless he was running towards death
so he chose
to win the race
first place
*once and for all

i bought a bird in a cage
with the intention to set it free
i hung the cage on the tree
and opened the door wide

the bird looked at me
and did not move
i sat there, it sat there
we sat there

for hours

the wind came in and out
bugs went in and out
the cage swung
the bird waited

it did not move

i coaxed it out
with promises of berries and leaves

it left the cage
and sat on the floor
still
still it did not move
it sat on the floor

and waited
i waited
it waited
we waited

the crows gathered
circling the little bird
waiting for me to leave
so they could seize the opportunity

but i waited
it waited
they waited
we waited

the bird hopped
it hid in bushes
it climbed on a branch
it looked at me
still
still it did not fly

it began to get dark
the crows got closer
it was time for dinner
for me
for it
for them

the bird looked at me
coaxed me with fear and love
to let it back in the cage

i let it go back
i closed the door

it was safe
it was still
it was home

he had never learnt how to fly

he said
one day,
baby girl,
i'll buy you
the world
sprinkle you
with diamonds
and head to toe
in pearls
you'll dress in
the finest of silks
eat the freshest of foods
drink the purest of milk
sleep under
the most stunning mosaic
on a bed made of feathers
you will lay
never will
a worry cross your mind
the night will never be dark
i'll make sure your stars always shine
never be cold
blankets made of the fluffiest wool
with intricate patterns
made with the thread of gold
your hands will never
feel restricted to give
you can help others survive
support them to live
the orphans, the widows
the refugees, the victims
will always know
who to turn to to help them

you will be my queen
bare with me a few years
i'll make my way to the top
and then rid you of all financial fears
until then you have
my full heart, body & soul
just a while longer
& i'll buy you the world

she looks at him
and shakes her head
takes his hand
makes him sit on the bed
looks him in the eye
and starts to smile
*my love,
my darling,
my reason to live,
hear me clearly
when i say this
i need no riches
i need no gold
for all these are material
you are my world
let paper money
and bank accounts
fly away
and burn to the ground
we'll build our home
with our bare hands
work day and night
sow and reap our own lands
with what we earn
we'll share with the world
we'll laugh and be merry
live together then marry
have children and watch them grow
and make beautiful our own little world

i appreciate the thought
but happiness can't be bought
the two of us together
is enough for me, forever ♡

green eyes
soft smile

you got me feeling
all kinds of things

i catch myself staring
& wanting to preserve you in words*

but the page is blank,
the ink has run dry,
my eyes are glued on you
& i wish my lips were too.

i'm tracing my history and i realize that it all adds up

always being told that i'm crazy but
they never had all the pieces to the puzzle and
i didn't know that i did either but
i found some lying in the back room and
i put it together so that the puzzle was complete and
it all makes sense

i'm tracing my history and i realize that it all adds up

I believe Home moves on;
without you, if it must.
And you find that when you try to return Home,
Home has changed,
Or it has grown.
Or it has moved out,
just like you did.

the paper house is blowing away
with the winds of confrontation
the paper people tear and reform
their hands no longer connected
the wars are now in the form of words
and silences

we used to watch these lives on t.v.
never thought they would happen to me
but the hurricane approaches and paper houses fall down
i will have to build myself up from the ground
but i don't have the glue or the scissors
or even the paper people to fix
so i'll sit in this corner and watch the parade
nobody thought it would end up this way

back and forth, back and forth
it drove him insane
but the back and forth, back and forth
was still better than the pain

he'd rather be in uncertainty
than lose her all at once
the fear of never speaking to her again
was better than enduring silence for a few months

but it got to him, still
her lack of commitment and the way her mind changed
he wondered if it was so easy, to let him go
if loving him was as easy as being from him estranged

she was so hard to predict and it wasn't easy
she went from 'i love you' to 'i'm leaving'
one day she'll want to choose you, the other, lose you
she went from all night conversations to not even speaking

i guess for him, the pros outweighed the cons
the hope outweighed the fear
he'd rather live in anxiety
than the lose the possibility of keeping her near

it hurt him inside, every now and often
but he embraced the uncertainty, the shaky life
he kept his mouth shut and took what he could get
praying every night that one day, she might choose him for good, and become his wife.

-

how you gonna lie like that?

-

you stood in my space
swallowed my air
made me feel like i was
living in a bubble
made of mirrors
i thought the world was
slipping out from
underneath me and
it seemed like i'd
fall asleep to your voice
telling me i was
unfair an unjust
cheating on you like
an attention-*****
and i'd wake up
to see you
bless me with your
kisses and your hair
falling on your
forehead
you were just
so easy to love
boy, you are
just so easy to love.

i never cheated on you
never lied, never
went behind your back
there were times
i stepped out to
take a breath of
fresh air because
i felt like i was living
in a room full of
hot air made of your
breath and
it just got too much
for me but
my walk outside
never meant
walking into
someone else's life
and i don't know
how to show you
that i would never
betray you but
sometimes i needed
to just be on my own
and even when i was
on my own sometimes
i just needed to not
hear your voice
in my head
because there were
already so many
voices inside there

but ****, boy,
i never left you
hanging and i still
want to hold on
to the memories and
the feelings i felt
(i still feel)
but ****,
you're going around
telling them i was a
cheat and a liar
as if i was made
of hell's fire
i didn't let you
burn no matter how
many times i felt
like a volcano

-

how you gonna lie like that?

-

we were built so fragile
just about to fall
but look at how we fight
look how we stand tall

human bodies
weren't made to sustain
but we conquered it, we broke it
we bared the pain

from typhoid to bad falls
a deep cough, mental stress
after all we are susceptible to
you'd think there'd be nothing left

but we have survived plagues
we have fought through the wars
airplanes were built to sore the skies
submarines to explore the waters

heart break can **** you
(trust me, i'd know)
but 7 billion broken hearts
and we still don't let the hurt show

we walk into work
we raise our children
we do what needs to be done
even when we're broken within

we help one another
empathize with anothers pain
put aside our worries for theirs
even when there's nothing to gain

kindness, solidarity
contribution, charity

we are the children
of a nation that survived

when the volcanoes erupted
when the ground shook
when our homes were consumed by fire
and all we could do was look

when the floods took our babies
and the tornadoes took our homes
we rebuilt from ground up
and prayed for our children's souls

prayer and endurance
might and fight
we have pushed through the darkness
without the promise of light

ask me and i'll tell you
how my dad was so sick he was left for dead
ask me and i'll tell you
how my mom sat every moment by his bed

ask me and i'll tell you
how many nights i slept well
ask me and i'll tell you
how my mom never let us find out he was ill

ask me and i'll tell you
the tears she wept when he was well
ask me and i'll tell you
the tears she wept when got up and left

ask me and i'll tell you
i've seen hurt, i've seen pain
ask me and i'll tell you
i've seen guilt and i've seen shame

ask me and i'll tell you
the stories of my grandparents during the war
ask me and i'll tell you
that they still smile, even though they remember the horror

ask me and i'll tell you
how my aunt held her 12 day old daughter
(her name was nour)
ask me and i'll tell you
how she kissed her forehead before laying her in her grave

ask me and i'll tell you
how easy it is for humans to break
ask me and i'll tell you
how easy it is for their worlds to shake

but ask me and i'll tell you
how much strength we have shown
even in the depths of darkness
we still have hope.

we are the children
of a nation that survived.

we’re all hung up on someone
whether it’s your highschool sweetheart
who now lives in Seattle, 4 hours away
or the man who had a one night stand with
when his wife was out of town
whether it was your boss
who you never had the guts to confess your love to
or your ex-husband
who ended up leaving you for a younger version
we go through the motions
we meet new people
and every now and then, we even fall in love
but at the end of it all
we're still stuck in the past
frozen to the memories
glued to the 'what-ifs' and the 'maybes'
we can’t help but want that one person
we can’t help but wish you were him
we can’t help but worry that he’ll never be ours
we’re all hung up on someone
*& I’m hung up on you

i'm tiptoeing around the fine lines
holding my breath, silently
my fingers trace the boundaries
i am too close for comfort
circling the forbidden with my fingertips
i am so close to falling in love with you

in the sand, with a stick
you draw a line to keep us apart
but the sun burns too strong
to keep me from you
i test the water with my feet
too hot, too cold; just right
i am so close to falling in love with you

i could have fallen in love
with the boy on the football team
the boy with a promised future
i could have gotten the diamond ring
and the honeymoon in paris
a white picket fence
had daughters with pretty hair
and sons with their dad's eyes
late night dinner parties and conference calls
steady income and monotonous life
i could have fallen in love with ease

but instead i fell in love with you
with all your bruises and scars
and your torn apart heart
your baggage and your past
your unwashed hair and your laugh
i fell in love with the dreams you held
and the late night conversations which never seemed to end
you had no money, you had no wealth
you had nothing to give me but love
and for me, that was enough

i could have fallen in love with ease
but instead i fell in love with *uncertainty

he tells me he'll buy me a white house
with a picket fence and i laugh because
it sounds so absurd to me
why would anyone want to live in
this plastic world of despair
i mean, maybe i'm judging it too hard
but i just can't see myself
driving a mini-van with two kids
crying in the backseat complaining
and calling me "mom" as if they their
mother-tongue was not Urdu
i can't do soccer games and ballet lessons
or wait every night at 8PM to have a
family dinner
i am not anyone's wife in an apron
and there is nothing wrong with choosing
the american dream
just that its a nightmare for me
i want to finger paint the house a
million shades of rainbow
i want to tie a braid in my hair
and lie under the sun
let it kiss me until i'm brown
and free.
i want my children to blast
bollywood and dance with me
no choreography, just love
i want a husband who falls in love
with my henna covered hands and
the way i smell of the sea
i can't see myself settling to a world
where everything looks just the same
or a man who loves me in a clean,
innocent way
i know this sounds stupid and i'm not
one for crazy romance but
laughing during *** and screaming during fights
is something that feels more than alright
i like the edge and the stability in knowing
that you're not going anywhere, we're going
everywhere
i want my children to climb on their father's back
and tickle him until he cries
i want them to paint his nails
and tie his hair in little ponytails
i want them to go to the beach and not worry
about getting sand in between their toes
i want them to wake up in the morning
with their messy hair and lopsided smiles
i want them to run around the house
the way their parents did
chasing each other only to fall
into each other's arms.

maybe it's just easier to deny
the existence of soulmates
than to accept the fact
that everyone has one
*except for you.

i saw you in my dream
your face it made me scream
i woke up drenched in tears
having to face all my fears

your blood shot eyes
your piercing cries
your cold blood
your mean love
hands around my neck
i am begging for death
you never let go
you want me to know
what pain feels like
**i deserve a painful life

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
so far up, staring down at me

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
so far up, a hero in the sky

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
and i wonder if this means
that no matter how many
crimes you commit
somewhere deep inside
you are still my savior
standing so tall, so far
always untouchable
i wonder if this means
that in my heart
you still hold a position
stories higher than anyone else
i keep looking for a savior
but that place remains unreplaced
because the safety after the fear
that you gave me is irreplaceable
and i wonder if that means
no matter how far i run
i'll still search for you
in my skies and sun

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
your skin buzzing with electricity

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
your touch caressing my skin

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
and i wonder if that means
no matter how many times
i try to escape
your weight is still somewhere
on my chest
holding me down like a brand
claiming me as yours
your skin is heavy
with hunger and mine
craves you in ways i never
craved anyone else
and after all these months
i wonder if this means
you are still somewhere
on my body
in my body
i wonder if you still
live somewhere in my heart
and under my layers
and i wonder
if this means no matter how many
times i try to wash you away
you are still
always there.

your kindness is patronizing
keep your pity to yourself
i'd rather lose you
than lose myself

****
i'm having a panic attack
in this new city
all alone
and i'm terrified
i want to die
you left me in this city
to die