I hate the cold

Because I am naturally cold
And I never feel safe
Outside of heat
And the best heat

Is in your arms.

-r.y.s

self harm takes many forms
from wrist lined in white
to burns on thighs

but i learned
it's much more than that
it's holding everything in
it's those negative thoughts i think
it's when I bite my inner lip
to remind myself that
any day,
i could decide i don't want to live

self harm is
so much more
than those white lines
or burn marks.

-r.y.s

i find
that the word ****
is a poetic word.

"*******"
is harsh
rude
and
brash.

"**** me"
is ******
crass
and
not classy.

"**** it"
means a lot,
like ***** these ideas
***** what is thought.

I find
**** it
is a good phrase.
The other two
negative,
one that's positive
sometimes.
**** it,
implys a lot.
And in this case
it implied
forgetting
what the others
thought
and how others
saw
us.

-r.y.s

The rain pours
And pours
The roads flood
The ground turns to mush

And yet I spend my day
Not in the rain
Not in the lost thought of sadness
Not in the fear of death

But in the thought of you.

-r.y.s

I've decided
I'll conquer the world.
All that's stopping
me
is my lack of
words.
I guess
I'll find the
words
when I hold
them in my hands,
just like I plan
to hold the world.

-r.y.s

it's hard to tell
wether what I feel
is something real
or just a fantsy
in my head

imagination
and daydreams
create feelings
that aren't real

it's often hard
for me to
separate
these false emotions
from those of truth
and decide
what i feel
and what i thought up

because when you live
with your head in the clouds
things become confusing
dreams and imagination
mingle with what's real
and it drives you mad
because you can't tell
what is real

-r.y.s

to bring in spring
we lose an hour
of sleep
of life

we celebrate this
and are happy
to lose this hour
to mess up our lives

all because
the bleak cold of winter
is killing us inside.

-r.y.s

i love the feeling
of blood rushing out of my feet

it reminds me
that I am alive

i feel the blood
pull into my heart

and I remember
that I breathe and I'm alive

I struggle to feel happy
because the worlds so hard

and I sometimes forget
and the movement of blood

makes me feel alive

-r.y.s

my world is messy
I can never be still
this feeling
that feeling
I never feel calm

I can be happy
Joyous
Funny
Laughing
and then
I can be sad
miserable
melancholy
serious

it's all a giant mess
and I can't seem
to gain control
and the only emotion
that's never changed
is the one of
love
and
suicide.

funny how even those are
complete
opposites.

-r.y.s

How to be unhappy all the time:

it's not hard
to be sad
and angry
and unpleased with the world
because the way you see the world
is how you feel
but the way you feel
is how you see the world

and you think,
if all you see,
is the happiness
of your friends
and family
in their life's
and loves
you'd be
inspired
to be happy too

but all I see
is the lack of love
in my life
the lack of someone
to remind it's alright

all I see
is the girl whose found her love
and they are happy together
and I'm happy for them too
I'm just sad for myself

all I see
is the girl with her girlfriend
desperately in love
and I'm happy for them
I'm just sad for myself

all I see
are my friends happy
in everything that happens
and I'm happy for them
I'm just sad for myself

I know wallowing
in self pity
can't get me far
but it's hard to be
happy
when the world
doesn't feel that way.

-r.y.s

Classic fairy tales
Always start with once upon a time
Then somewhere a princess is put in danger
A little later her knight in shinning armor
Comes riding in
Saves her
They live happily ever after.

**** that.

I never enjoyed those stories
I never understood why the princess didn't help herself
I always resolved to never need saving
And yet, I never realized why they were always saved
Because humans need each other
I need to be saved.

Not in the knight in shining armor way
But I need someone to be there
I need someone to hold me
When night comes
At three am when I'm screaming at myself
At four am when I'm crying in my bathroom floor
At five am when I pass out and have nightmares
At six am when I wake up exhausted
At six pm when I come home and collapse

I never wanted to be that damsel in distress
But I never realized that in order to heal
Someone has to push me.

- r.y.s

I want winter
to be over.

It reminds me
of the cold
and bitter
that is my soul.

I need spring
to come again.

To push me
out of the cold
and be happy
unfreeze my soul.

-r.y.s

Tomorrow
Tomorrow is big
Tomorrow marks the last
The last semester
Of high school.

Tonight
Tonight is stressful
Tonight marks that last
Scared feeling
Of high school.

Second semester
Last semester
Senior year
Spring break
Prom
Graduation

I never thought
It'd come to an end
I'm scared out of my mind
But it needs to end

I live in a box
Wake up
Go to school
See the same people
Go home
Sit in my room
Go to bed

I can't break the box
Until I leave this place
I can't leave this place
Until I break the box

So I run in circles
And I wait for the end

-r.y.s

i tell myself
i like being alone,
there's no one to:
impress,
be with,
be ready for,
or even worry about.

but my heart
tells me i hate it
i hate being alone
there's no one to:
laugh,
to hold,
be with,
or even love.

i can't ever seem to decide
if being alone is want I need
or someone to hold me.

i don't care which one
i just want to feel whole
or at least alive.

-r.y.s

fears are strange

i fear things that are practical
like that those sirens
are rushing towards a love one
that i didn't tell them
how much i loved them
when i saw them last

i also fear things
that i feel unpractical
like snakes
the thought sends chills
in through my body
and makes me want to cry

but my biggest fear
is being forgotten
is falling into oblivion

and as cliche
and boring
as i seem
i know no other fear
then being forgotten

but other days
i want to embrace my fear
and fall into an oblivon
to be forgotten
to never have to worry
to never have to exist

it's a delicate balance
of life
and death, really.

-r.y.s

New Year's Eve
2 minutes to midnight
1 minute
30 seconds
20 seconds
10 seconds
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1

It's a new year
But it's a scary year
Every year
It's just been back to the same thing
Back to school
Back to friends
Back to boring

This year,
everything is changing
Back to school
till May
April showers
Bring high school graduations

4th of July fireworks
Fade into freshman year
of college.
College
I've always dreamed of this
But it's so close
And I want a redo

Because it's been
almost a whole year
since you left
and I sit
and think of you
everyday

We were supposed to do this
together.
But you left.

-r.y.s

It's been
1 month
730 hours
43800 minutes

Since I left
Since I walked away
Since I realized, that you,
were not what I wanted
that you didn't treat me
the way you should

I realized, happy
shouldn't be fleeting
shouldn't be just you and I
shouldn't be, just here and there

Now I'm alone
And I'm not sure that's any better.

I want to **** myself
Everyday
Every hour
Every second
And yet I haven't
Because every time the thought occurs
The aftermath seems to play out in my head

I don't want to be
the acknowledgment at the beginning
of a book i'll never read
  to my sister
  to my friend
  to my lover
  gone to soon
  i wish you could read this

I don't want to be
the sad news story that everyone hears
and wishes it weren't real
  a 17 year old
  young and bright
  lots of friends
  left behind family
  greatly missed amongst us all

I don't want to break
my already broken family
even if they are breaking me
  lost a sister
  lost a cousin
  lost a daughter
  sadness engulfs them all
  two families split back to four

I want to leave
And I'll never believe
The world loves me so much
That it will stop in place
Because I take my life
But even if
It's only half the truth
This idea of the aftermath
That would occur
Should I stop my breathing
I'll keep breathing
In
Out
In
Out
Just to see the world continue turning

-r.y.s

There's something about
the feeling of your arms
and the way the hold me
but i don't get that anymore

-r.y.s

snows melting
ground turns to mud
rain pours
flowers sprout

the harsh cold
turns to mild warmth
bitter winds
into light breezes

winter fades
into the spring
the bleak despair
into promising hope

spring into a hopeful view.

-r.y.s

I want to be immortal
I want to be forever
I want to never end

I want to see the world collapse
I want to see it restart
I want to find its beginning

I want to be worth something
I want to be valued
I want to be happy

I can't be immortal
I can't be forever
I must end

I won't see the world collapse
I won't see the world restart
I won't find its beginning

I am worth nothing
I am not valued
I am not happy

I was always told
It's the outlook
You have
That reflects how you feel.

Then why do I feel awful,
When I have such a positive outlook?

-r.y.s

nightmares
are common to me
normally of silly things
like zombies rising
aliens abducting
monsters slithering

but recently
they have been of something more painful
of you leaving me
either by choice
or by death

it's ridiculous really
i know you won't
but my mind
says you will

it's terrifying
how much the thought
terrifies me

that losing you
could impact me so much

but i guess that's what love is.

-r.y.s

Midas turned what he loved to gold
I wish I could do the same
Instead my touch brings destruction

No matter what I hold
I find it always ends the same
Lovers, friends, any other

My destruction knows no bounds
I often wonder, did Midas feel this way?

I want to
Fill the empty
Space
And tell you
Everything
I feel.

First
There's three words
I've wanted to say
And I can say them
To anyone
If you aren't around
It's not love
More
I miss you
Imissyou
I
Miss
You

Second
No matter what
I'll never feel
The way I felt
With you
No matter who
Comes into my life
You'll always
Be that special feeling

Third
There's a hole
In my essence
In my soul
And no matter
The object
The person
The idea
I've tried to fill it with
Only you
Seem to fit

Fourth
I'll never
Find someone
Who knows me
The way you do
You knew
From a look
That I still liked you
You always knew
What I felt
Just by my face
And no one
Has ever

I can't stand
Not having you
To hold me close

I'm not trying to hide it
Anymore.

-r.y.s

I never want to be happy again:

If it means I'll see my friends
laugh and smile
and be loved and in love.

If it means I'll see my family
love and live
and be happy and together.

If it means I'll see all those around me
enjoy and thrive
and live and conquer.

I'd give up my life,
to see those around
thrive and be happy,
because I don't understand
how to be happy.

-r.y.s

i stopped bleeding
bleeding the words
the feeling
i needed to write
and now
im bottled up inside

and i cant think anymore.

-r.y.s

you always tell me
poetry is a rhyming game
but I'll never be
good with these kind of games
because words aren't for me
not in these rhyming games
I'm struggling to find the degree
of words that describe the flame
the fire inside me
that words can't contain in a frame.
I
Miss
You.

-r.y.s

I chase the thought of you
Not like school girls get chased by boys
But the way you chase liquor
With something
Quick
Fast
And just as bitter

I turn you away
Not because I don't enjoy you
But the way you bring sadness
Along with
Pain
Tears
And ******* madness

-r.y.s

panic
i hate the way i panic
i hate the way i think
and think,
think,
t
  h
     i
      n
        k
and think
because i can't control it
all i can do
is think.

-r.y.s

i honestly don't know
what it is
about you
that separated you from the rest
because God knows
I can't seem to figure it out now.

All I know,
is that
I've give up on you.

You waste my time
And **** my hopes
And make me feel
Absolutely worthless.

-r.y.s

I swear
the world
is spinning
round
and
round
and
round.

But mine,
my world
it's been
still
since
the day
you
walked
away
and
away
and
away.

And yet
I know
the world
around
me
spins
and
spins
and
spins.

Cause we
graduate in
May, and
I
leave
you
forever
and
ever
and
ever.

The problem
is that
even when
I
leave
my
world
won't
turn
and
turn
and
turn.

Cause I
am still
stuck on
you
and
your face
and
your existence.

-r.y.s

As a child
I was always
That kid the teacher
Spoke of
As having my head
In the clouds.

I never saw
The clouds
I was never
Fond of the clouds
I prefer the night
The twinkling stars.

Because there
Is stories in the stars
And the stars hold truth.
A truth that
We aren't alone
And that oblivion is real

I've always felt
Insignificant
When I look at the night sky
Because I realize
Every moment
In this short life
Is just a moment
That could be the last
And I feel motivated
To try
To make my impact.

I have always feared
Oblivion
The inevitable
The thought of being forgotten
Because who doesn't?

I can't stand
To think
That I'll die one day
And know
I never changed the world
I was never a persons reason
To change, to live

I seem crazy
Because how can one
Be the change in the world
And I can't figure it out
But I will do it.

And I'll do it, for my love of the night.

-r.y.s

i hate the burning
i hate the god awful shaking
i hate the way i feel
i hate being away from you.

-r.y.s

55 days
1,320 hours
79,200 seconds

all till I can be on my own.

-r.y.s

It's always hard
holding feelings

Especially
when you hold
on and on
for so long

You know,
it's been almost
a full year
and yet
you're still in my head

It drives me
crazy.
Like my feelings for
you.
Because I can't stay
away.

I'll never
understand
why it's you,
maybe you're
"the one"
or maybe
I'm just a
little to
crazy.

-r.y.s

Never
Never
Ever
Apologize for existing

Never
Never
Ever
Think your existence is less

Never
Never
Ever
Do I want to hear it

Because
You are more
Then spiteful words
A parent
Who ****** up
One to many times

You are
Alive
Beautiful
Amazing
Full of potential

And you are worth it.

-r.y.s

I can't put down
(No matter how hard I try)
The way I feel
(I feel so much)
In words
(Letters arranged in different ways)
There just isn't enough
(No matter how many dictionaries I scour)
Words
(Funny, kind, smart, loving, love, like)
And no matter what I do
(And I do so much)
I can't seem to find
(And I look everywhere)
The right words
(I think love isn't enough)
To describe the feelings
(They are more like galaxies)
That I feel for you
(I love you)

-r.y.s

Baby I won't say
That I love you.

But you are all I have
And all I need

And I know I can't
Keep you forever

But all I ask
Is you keep me

In your memory
Forever

-r.y.s