Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
2d · 108
Mental Instability
Pain within my every word
Mental instability
Never very kind or patient
Definitely not conducive to tranquility

Oh to be free all I long for
World exterminated of hate
Something I've dreamt about often
Life has refused to cooperate

Relaxation an overstayed houseguest
Won't take my subtle hints to leave
Some think I enjoy lazy demeanor
Desperately wish goals I could acheive

I'm not worthless degenerate
Just process events differently than most
A am a lost soul fighting depression
Inside haunted by a nameless ghost

With zero way to discover a road to bliss
Words I scribble my comfort when dark
Everything is a fleeting experience
Perception altered by every harmful remark

Is swallowing truth so hard
That it sticks in back of my throat?
If it is I'll forcefully choke it down
Weight why it's difficult to float
I got hit with writer's block so that's why the ending is somewhat abrupt
3d · 54
Damage
Do colors seem pastel through eyes?
Yellow sunshine overhead
I wonder if hues would still appear bright
If your property instead..

It could've stopped escalating
Long long long ago
No quantity of ******* in the universe
Will stop from feeling hollow

I'm sure ways exist to justify
Type of behavior I hate
Perception of surroundings is so skewed
Probably think it looks great

Why would tidiness matter to you?
Not like the lot is in your name
I am the one forced to deal with consequences
You are the one to blame

It is obvious to any rational mind
Discipline is way past due
No longer willing to ignore the signs
The problem is linked to you

You distinctly do not give a **** about our feelings
Otherwise wouldn't have even begun
Now your hoarding is so out of hand
Don't recognize what land has become

I suppose that is what we get for our kindness
Foolishness leading us here
No good deed unpunished
If nothing else that much is clear

This destiny avoidable
Would have been easy to just say no
Generosity in our nature
Had no clue collection would grow

Don't comprehend how people live
In such a state of disarray
Chaos utterly consuming all around
Convinced carnage completely okay

I would have never guessed a human being
Could be so disastrous by design
Have been too lenient but now
It is about time we draw the line

We offered a chance to change outcome
Still carry on making a mess
Zero guilt or remorse displayed
This is what you call "trying your best"

The stress getting heavier
Longer we allow mayhem to go on
Most ******-up part is I suspect you believe
Truly aren't doing anything wrong

Maybe seek professional help
Only suggesting because I care
Anyone with some degree of mental stability
Of disorder would be aware

So you either are totally insane
Or taking advantage of our big hearts
Regardless something has to give
Before each vehicle there is in parts

The blatant disrespect overwhelming
Allow an inch and you take a mile
Only solution I can figure out
Has been coming awhile

Our patience wearing for months
Finally it has broken through
After the ******* we've tolerated
What do you expect us to do?

Just let you persist in accumulating junk?
As if deed to there is your own?
Until entire acre is swallowed up
And gone is beautiful location once-known

You have already inflicted a huge excess
Of destruction that can't be reversed
Acting entitled to anything there
Helping yourself without inquiring first

When you first parked bus we were misled
Under impression it was a temporary situation
Fact that your habitat keeps expanding
Expresses this is more than only a vacation

Are you even seeking somewhere else
To store belongings and dwell?
From where I'm standing it appears
You revel in making lives hell

Trash scattered in corners
Gets worse as you round each next turn
Are you that lazy and careless?
You can't put in one place and burn?

You disassemble things for no reason
If unbroken you tear it in pieces
Never reconstructing the objects you ruin
All the while cache increases

If not halted the amount will proceed growing
Until visible from space
I'd like to admit you are capable
Sadly that is not the case

Not to mention attention drawn
From law enforcement appearing there
Responding from neighbor's calls
Epitomizing our worst nightmare

The two properties connected by owner
Labels us negatively for sure
Positive cops are just awaiting the opportunity
To obtain warrant to search our house once more

Yet doesn't bother you at all
If so you'd minimize risk
Not use grow light to illuminate
And litter public street and ditch

And in the aftermath of these awful actions
Don't apologize for mistakes
Enough is enough
Party is over
Only so much we can take

It's your moment to float along to different shores
A destination new
Feeling physically ill every visit
Welcome is outworn-please shoo!

Half of me honestly fully fed up
Other side weakened by sympathy
I fear if I continue to endure treatment
You will simply walk all over me

And when finally you do move on
Left with an unholy mess
Which will cause a meltdown
Imploding from distress

So I kindly ask you hit the road
Commence process at once
Should have evicted weeks ago
That's not what any of us really want

I hope you don't interpret as declaration of war
You've become used to this "paradise"
Wouldn't have minded you staying here
If you kept it looking nice

But your indiscreet disregard for our disapproval
Has us craving distance badly
For our sanity's sake
You're too selfish sadly

This doesn't mean we don't like you
Loathe the position we're in
Wish we also could embrace the anarchy
Our essence is lacking the echoes within

If there was compromise to be discovered
Wouldn't plead for you to leave
Our standards are so drastically different
Insists harmony impossible to achieve

We often have people abuse our compassion
Silence disrupted only when too much to bear
After being disappointed over and over
Of shadows we should be aware

But within our core care more than we should
Inner voice whispering "they'll have nowhere to go"
If your intention was to carry on residing there
You would have improvement instead of negligence to show

We've idled for months while you should have cleaned up
Take one step forward than two right back
It's evident you won't come to your senses
Perhaps we've cut you a bit too much slack

Now forced to gather belongings
Pick garbage up off the ground
Don't want air to be cold between us
Still don't mind you coming around

I tried hard to be gentle
To my heart I must remain true
Only way to salvage my future home
Is stop you before damage is too bad to undo
about a couple friends of my dad's that he let stay on our other property which is supposed to be mine when he deems me responsible enough to have it in my name and they just completely trashed the place. They are quite possibly the worst hoarders I have ever met and I am not even exaggerating. They could be on an episode of Hoarders no joke. I wrote this as a kind of eviction notice but I never gave it to them because they started moving their **** thank God but I have a feeling I'm going to be left with a bunch of ******* to clean up after they are completely moved out...
I'm sorry card is a wee bit late
Beautiful items take time to create
I'd like you knowing how special you are
Best father in the world by far
You've cared for me since my very first breath
No doubt will until the day you meet death
I do not always make it easy for you to be kind
Reasons to love me you never fail to find
Dropping me off desired destinations
I lacked my own transportation
You accept me the way that I am
Helping when getting myself into a jam
Still offering piggyback rides (if need be)
Though I weigh more than I did at three
You have my back whether wrong or right
Still allow space to win my own fight
I make messes again and again
Advice taken from you now and then
You and Mom raised to be proud and strong
Integrity instilled so I can tell right from wrong
I have zero clue what the future may hold
Realized time more valuable than gold
Although the one loved the most now is gone
No other choice but drag our feet and carry on
I continue waiting for colors to shine bright once more
The world will never appear as vibrant as before
I miss her laugh and how she smelled
Since the day she passed away earth has felt more like hell
I hear words she said always echoing in my head
"You will regret treating me bad when I'm dead"
The silence permeating house reminds me they were true
Residence doesn't seem like home without BOTH of you
She would not want us to be forever sad
We must find a way to focus on the good moments had
But for now darkness inhabits two souls
Ingesting substances
Never filling holes
You have aged one more year
How could we celebrate without mom here?
I don't blame you making it just another day
I feel exactly the same way
Hopefully next year will be brave enough
Sing happy birthday although it will be tough
Her memory lives on for infinity in our hearts
For her have to do our best to heal our broken parts
So happy belated
Hope card causes you to smile
That the quality made the wait worthwhile
I'm your favorite daughter
You only have one
Tethers that connect us will never come undone
****** reds
Broken blues
Heaven I want
Hell I choose
A menagerie of scars maps surface of skin
Eternity mocking every sin
Dawn overtakes darkness each day
Shining light inside is conquered by dismay
My heart is armored to protect from getting hurt
Harbor of regret hidden under my shirt
The birdsong becoming constant serenade
Along with the stars
Notes soon will fade
Watching windows
Don't dare crack my door
Bones too delicate to endure elements anymore
An ocean of fears drowning head
Scared to face future
I crawl into a hole instead
These evenings cannot seem to escape the shadow on my heels
Could never explain how immense every single problem feels
They are so heavy I can hardly hold them all
Nov 12 · 85
Moon's Work
Last night evening crept slow
Daylight kissed goodbye
Left the moon hanging so low
At first barely reached the sky
After while climbed darkness's hills
Vibrantly glowing it peered down
The earth bathed in hues of grey fills
Embracing air in which it drowned
Beauty at hour most of world is asleep
Unparalleled by the sun
Blessed seeing dawns guardian instead of sheep
Close eyes when sunrise hits and the moon's work is done
Nov 10 · 210
I Cried Today
I cried earlier
I'm not sure why
Each tear will not change the fact you died
Under covers I sometimes pretend
You are not gone but the fantasy ends
When it is time to taste truth I feel sad
Silently scream cause I miss you so bad
Looking at photo I think of your embrace
Wishing I again could experience your lips on my face
Something shifted in soul the day you disappeared
Can't tell exactly what it is I just know I need you here
Hate the thought of stumbling through life without you year after year
Nov 10 · 234
Years Of Tears (Senyrū)
After years of tears
Posing as pointless pity
Dug despair a grave
Written 3-9-23
Nov 10 · 148
Patched (Senyrū)
Watch me pick pieces
Cardiac geometry
Repair rut you ripped
I have taken small pieces of various places around my heart and patched up the gaping hole you left as best as I can. What else can I do?
Nov 9 · 252
Shapes (Senyrū/Haiku)
Shadeless shapes shifting
Back and forth and upside down
Not sure what is real
I'm not confident which category this should be placed in. It's kinda about the nature of things AND the nature of people...it's a Henyrū ****
Nov 8 · 189
Ancient Wounds
Everything kept in bittersweet silence

Lips ****** from biting back the sentences I am not courageous enough to speak aloud

Eyes shut to avoid sting of reality

Upon shelves towering above stature sit dusty expectations
Long since placed carefully with wonderment
Slathered in cobwebs and mice have moved in and taken up permanent residence in the nooks between

It's a **** miracle they stayed in position this whole time
I cannot seem to stop fidgeting and swinging wildly from distraction to distraction
Branches leading away from my plans
Some of them not even sturdy enough to tolerate my weight
Sending me spiraling spectacularly to the solidly packed earth far below

Selecting thrills instead of skills

Denying truth politely
As one turns down a piece of gum

And it doesn't help laying bare my soul
I do anyways

Although I resent pain caused by opening these ancient wounds at least then my sorrow is freed
4-20-23
Nov 6 · 103
Courage
Courage is being able to stand up and face your fiercest fears

Every evening
No matter how that idea terrifies you

In a world where the masses hide behind money
Might
Mousepads
It is more valuable of a trait than ever

Drowning in their cowardice while the few brave still in existence fight their weaknesses with heads held high
Bravery isn't not being afraid it's being afraid but doing it anyway
Nov 4 · 195
Greatest
You once were here

You'd get unexplainable intuition allowing you to peer right into the depths of my soul

Eyes piercing as you perused aisles of my countless chaotic emotions

Hit hard with words I didn't ask you to say

Rubbed back of my spine like you were waxing a car
Firmly but so carefully

My head in lap but my mind in the gutter

Now hands aren't here to caress my edges anymore

We had moments of weakness but they are overshadowed by the brightness you blessed my dark world with

Drunken songs and Christmas presents and uttered compliments

But always time ends everything good
You were the greatest
Nov 1 · 142
Salt
My heart burns without presence

Your mouth says my name and voice still sounds the same

The inner damsel in me fights way through my flesh

Leading her by glow of all the potential I set on fire

My hot skin itches for touch while yours is soothed by a thick coat of reassurance

Is medicated by unwavering dose of devotion

My wound so raw and pain so sharp knives flee in fear of injury

My blood screaming for recognition

Like how many drops must be spilled for you to acknowledge I'm dying?

How many cuts appear before you notice I'm not well?

Hell
At this point begging for my tissue to be pulled in two directions and a massive amount of sodium chloride poured in
Would relish the agonizing
Unpredicted sting
Because at least that means I can tell you know I'm not alright

You seem to understand exactly where to rub the salt in
Not where to bandage
Written 6-19-19
Verse 1:
We try to find answers looking towards the sky
All wanna know what happens when we die
As much as I'd like to sprout wings and to the heavens fly
Ain't no halo reserved for me when I say goodbye
Long ago I once believed that lie
Misunderstanding losses
Asking why
Demanding a reason for grief in my heart
Only heard silence
Faith fell apart
Sometimes asked why it's so hard to believe
Say maybe the rest of the world is just too easy to deceive
It's true when they tell you ignorance is bliss
Truth isn't what we want to hear so instead we just dismiss

Hook:
If dying before I wake
Give the darkness my soul to take
Please do not cry
Know that I
Forever am thankful
If I die while I'm asleep
Soul I give the reapers to keep
I'm ready for my funeral

Verse 2:
Beneath the starlight contemplating life
Restless heart beating the question why
Wondering in Morse code if I will be all right
Stuck wandering line
Between wrong and right
But don't trust the route everybody else takes
Hear outside opinions about decisions I should make
In the end do what's best for my heart's sake
Eyes and ears will have to learn from my own mistakes
No matter how high flown eventually I'll fall
Mind is in a race with my feet
Both seem to hardly crawl
Below surface of my skin have trouble dealing with it all
Hanging hopes above my head until I crash into a brick wall

Hook x2

Outro:
I'm ready for
For the funeral x3
I'm ready for
Ready for it
Ready for the funeral
Love this song let me know what you think if you have heard the original song
Oct 30 · 184
Irresistible
I love moments our bodies touch
As well as what's within your mind
When you tell me I look beautiful
Words I replay and rewind
You help me lift off ground
When feeling discouraged and grey
Placing my needs above own
Even if issues get in the way
There never could be another
Make my wishes come true
Find you simply irresistible
Just being you
Oct 29 · 394
Self-Seclusion
When you stop needing someone
It is not that you want to be alone
Understanding that if ever you have to
You'll be fine on your own
There is undescribable freedom attached
No-BIRTHED by solitude
There absolutely is no greater power
Than peace in mind when you self-seclude
The most effective weapon held in your defense
To fight pain and heartache
Is learning the talent of being by yourself
Everyone else is unprepared for the break
Written 4-2-19
Oct 25 · 75
We Tried
Promise me we'll come out stronger
We'll reach the other side
One day we can claim we made it
Not that we only tried

And when rest of the world gives up
Want to be able to say we did not
We attempted again and again until we succeeded
Not just "gave it a shot"

Each of these struggles faced together
Not a trap
A test
Persisted by any means necessary
Unlike those "doing their best"

Sometimes I am all out of resolve
Don't think I can do this anymore
Right when I am about to leave
Remind me what I'm doing this for

I seem to cry a lot presently
Afraid of tomorrow without your embrace
Simply need to know you'll still be here
When storm clears and a rainbow takes it's place
Written 3-10-19
Oct 22 · 1.7k
Heartbeaten
You have my heart in chains
After all these years
The mercy of your affection
Hand that wipes my tears

You're mesmerizing beyond measure
Smile leaves me paralyzed
The sole word you have to utter is "Come!"
Legs move to my surprise

I obey each wish and command
Your approval I seek
All you need done to hear me talk
Simply call out to me "Speak"

You are not aware of power
Love feels like a restraint
Pulled me along by your heels
Never guided me straight

I am obedient pet
One that knows how to sit
I am too happy to lie down where I'm told
When you tell me to "Stop!" I quit

The fact is I keep heart locked up
In pound waiting for you to change
After all this time
Remains in your ribcage
Written 3-8-19
You are the greatest mom I could ever have
You're cruel occasionally when you get mad
You are cold on surface but I know inside
Warm heart is cloaked with fear and pride
And I love you but have a difficult time showing
Settle for easy words I like throwing
I apologize that dark mood cuts deep
True intention was never to make you weep
Cigarette-scented squeezes cement bond
Cradled in arms I need no facade
Wisdom and warmth woven into your skin
Every night protect from the howling wind
Soft as a whisper your tender touch
Your edges are calloused but never too rough
You cast eyes away from my flaws
Silent disappointment inevitably cause
You hold me in the highest regard
Watching my crimson spill must be hard
The vividness of your personality
Like constellations coruscate originality
Yet not a single celestial entity compares to you
You are full of magic in everything you do
Displaying your radiant colors to all
No matter how heavy
Catch me when I fall
Believing to be beautiful
Actually am a sorry sight
Telling the truth when it hurts because that is what's right
You kiss wounds so that better they feel
Blind to my ugly parts as if they aren't real
Oct 19 · 87
Is It Too Late For Us?
There is no excusing what I did
Loss of remaining trust
Answer me one question
Is it too late for us?

Since that day you stare at me differently
In eyes is a hint of resentment
Every time I'm interrogated by you
Feel on trial and I'm the defendant

I need no bible to be truthful
I'm atheist anyways
Have no problem owning up
To my wicked ways

Whether being honest or not
Going to believe what you want
"Guilty" verdict already cast
Don't even put on a front

If we are partners
Will be able to move past
Want to gain your faith back in me
The only way to make this last
Oct 14 · 119
The Monster You Made
I feel akin to a monster
You should be proud
I am everything
I'm scared to say aloud

Frankenstein's design
Spectacle grotesque to behold
You are responsible
Making flesh cold

You should have caught this coming
Mold I tried to fit
I got angry when I couldn't
Destroyed it bit by bit

You attempted to shape my emotions
Arrange me a little more like you
It backfired and I mutated
Into a monstrosity mimicking your every move

I transformed in front of eyes
Metamorphosis we both took hard
What was pure and picturesque
Hideous and scarred

I now am an abomination
Too horrendous for sight to see
Patchwork quilt of faulty components
Sewn with insecurity

I was supposed to be built in your image
Your perfection I hardly resemble
Lost the sweetness of my youth
Silhouette alone reason to tremble

In your efforts to change me
Into creature of similar disposition
Pushed me far enough to snap
Past point of recognition

I look into mirror and gasp
Not comprehending reflection
Asking how someone could diverge
So drastically the wrong direction?

I've grown talons
Tentacles
Tusks
Replacing my human parts
I don't know how to undo the progression
Revert this revolting reprobate to how it was at the start

I once was a beauty
But became the thing I liked the least
Experiment got out of hand
Now all I will ever be is a beast
Written 1-18-19
Oct 14 · 100
All Alone
Every morning I wake up next to you
Afraid our time is running out
Wondering when you'll stop loving me
All day long I'm plagued by doubt

Havoc wreaked on my insecure brain
I am unable to process why
You could give your heart to anyone
Yet drop it in hands that hardly try

Don't you realize I am not strong enough
Are you blind to my numerous flaws?
Reliant on you to stand on own feet
I just can't comprehend the cause

I worry I am a storm sent to disrupt
Your peace in a second or two
Yet even after months of tolerating my rain
You hold me down through and through

Across the spectrum of devotion
I fear we reside on opposite ends
Strive to continue making progress
So every cut inside you mends

I am aware you look and see no apparent results
Your disappointment affects me more than you know
Lost in the fog of dependency
Glimmer of hope to you I owe

Playing your voice over and over in my mind
Making sky seem blue when it's grey
I have given you the key to my heart
Promise me you won't throw it away

I caved and let you peer into my soul
When I hear your breath it makes me feel alive
Connecting with the invisible tethers tugging
Your encouragement fuels my once waning drive

Stress melts away when you hold me in your arms
Within my body a fire is lit
Trying to evolve into the image you desire
There are times I'm convinced it'd be easier to quit

I stopped counting my apologies
Sure you hate the way "sorry" sounds
Forgiveness hanging from strings hung high
Echoing through darkness that surrounds

Spoken words simply empty air
They still hit harder than a stone
Their meaning beats me black and blue
You might leave me behind here
All alone
"I fear that one day you will wake up and discover that I am not as great as you once thought I was"
Oct 11 · 48
Get Out
Don't tell me to get out
If you do not want me to leave
Sad the day I actually do
Goodbyes worn on our sleeves

Necessary walls put between us
They cause stress to strike
Can never meet in the middle
Different views but so alike

When will I declare defeat?
Be the first to grow up?
Time to realize you never will
Stop counting seconds you interrupt

Animosity steadily building
Stone expressions swapped with pride
Oblivious to own ignorance
All the insecurity inside

Too stubborn to see truth
Is no way to change your opinion
Will forever be correct in this kingdom
Over which you hold dominion

There's nothing adequate to dethrone you
Don't acknowledge words I say
Wish we could live in harmony
Spoken sentences of spite stuck in the way

You do not make me feel welcome
Gravity of your rage makes me small
We're often overlooked in our haste
Broken heels pressed against wall

I never desire to leave the premises
With you memories were fondly made here
Living in endless frustration
A tender touch so insincere

Leaves me feeling captive
Instinct exclaiming
"Fight or flight?!"
How can I escape your wrath
Except running to him and proving you right?

I'm happier sleeping in car with him
Than my warm bed with a heart full of fear
Maybe if house felt like a home
I would actually want to live here
This makes me tear up because it was dn when my mom was still alive. I wish I had tried harder to get along with her instead of being stubborn like she is and fighting all the time. Now it's time I will never get back that I wasted arguing trying to prove who was right. Now I realize that it doesn't matter all that matters is cherishing the precious time you have with loved ones because you never know how long that time will last.
Oct 7 · 103
"Be Patient"
They tell us we won't make it
We've wasted too much time
Was so much love between us
There's only walls to climb

You call me your babe
Call phone
Parents just call me dumb
They won't ever listen
A stranger I've become

I've heard it a million times
Each warning in the book
Analyzed situation for hours
You won't take a second look

I don't blame friends for being concerned
If it was me I'd do the identical thing
They should know I need belief in me
Not a phone I just let ring

The more I am smothered by my mom
More I want to defy
Given them answers for my reasons
They continue asking
"Why?"

Now I don't bother
Just tune their voices out
What is the point in talking?
All we do is shout

They're trying to protect skin
Heart from being broken
What they aren't seeing is in doing so
Lose me with each cruel word spoken

And I pull further from your reach
Don't know how to make you realize
I seem to be getting nowhere like this
Open up with honesty
Simply say my words are lies

"Be patient"
Beg you silently
Need time to get my life on track
True independence discovered through own decisions
Once free I'll be able to fully love you back
Written 12-16-18
Sep 27 · 119
Damn Wrong
As much as I loathe my life
Hated it more without you
Pain inside I thought would go
Instead feeling grew

Days had become dark for us
I made the choice to leave
Tried and tried to make it work
You tried to deceive

I couldn't take more lies
Couldn't handle the hurt
Was so tired of being put second
I always put you first

So said goodbye to the greatest thing
Most amazing person I've ever known
For us to find felicity
Even if it meant being alone

It cut deeper than I thought possible
Every morning hated to wake
Pushed on by telling myself
Time would ease the ache

Months passed with no success
Stopped counting each "better" tomorrow
The agony did eventually start to fade
Not the emptiness
Exasperation
Sorrow

I did best to stay away
Not listen to alluring speech
Finally caved in realizing
Peace on own I wouldn't reach

Now you brighten each day
With texts and concerned calls
Every week continue to struggle
Around you the world isn't bad at all

I wish I would have understood
The first moment I held your body near
That my love for you couldn't be stopped
Though I attempted to make it disappear

The stars shine brighter now
Nearly lost love pure and strong
Don't know why I thought I'd be happier without
You in life cause I was so **** wrong
Sep 23 · 192
Faith
Times seem difficult right now
Look in mirror and hate what I see
I have faith that if I keep trying
I'll start to eventually like being me
What doesn't **** makes me stronger
I continue building myself every day
Growing
Learning from my fuckups and messes
Fueled by faith in fate that someday I'll finally feel okay
Gotta have faith faith faith
Sep 19 · 116
Trust Issues
This is why I have trust issues
It's why I won't allow you in
Say you've changed for the better
Here I am disappointed again

You continue swearing oaths
Unlikely to keep
Then get dejected
When I do not believe

Relentlessly hoping you will come through
You succeed
Once in awhile
Even then there's always some catch
Typical "Paul Wilton" style

Don't tell me words I want to hear
You lack the means to back it up
Reassure me you've got my back
When not taken care of

I do not expect a lot from you
This is the explanation why
Proven to be unreliable
Uttering lie after lie

I was dumb to depend on you
Made that foolish mistake
Displayed time and time again
Your stories are all fake

Plans laid do not work out
Never the one to blame
Any amount of faith put in you
Forever ends the same

Your anticipation to please just pains
When your statements are put to the test
The paradise you promise
Ceases to manifest

Be up front
Open
About limitations
Don't offer lavish fantasies
They're only fabrications

This is why expectations are low
It's why I doubt your honesty
This is the reason we aren't together
Scared this is how you'll always be
Sep 16 · 213
Hold Me
Hold me and I will try to absorb your pain
What we have is so difficult to explain
Words said pace through my mind
Voice the warmth I can't leave behind

Unable to cautiously proceed
Losing my judgement with trembling speed
Simple questions ask myself often
Answers have all been forgotten

Is love eyeless?
Is it just me?
Does it always make truth hard to see?
How can love hurt bad when it's supposed to be good?
Don't know
Don't know
Though here before stood

We're broken individuals
Together we make a whole
All the pieces I am missing
Are parts making up your soul
Written 11-12-18
Sep 14 · 331
Heart On Display
You had me in boxes stashed under your bed
Understanding I was locked away
Didn't want to let me inside your head
To own more than each passing day
You kept out of danger
Towered over to protect
Waiting
Crawling somewhere stranger
Prey limping with a broken neck
But that wasn't intention
Comes at the darkest part of night
Unrelenting unforgiving tention
Never saw before in my sight
Dragging heavy eyes along bathroom tile
I can't pull them away
You and I wrapped in compulsion we compile
Here I am heart on display
Written 11-10-18
Sep 12 · 243
No Words
No words explain just how you make me feel
Keeping me safe from danger
You are made of steel
The warmth rises up body to flush my tired face
Company would be impossible to replace
I cannot describe depths of my gratitude
Instead of affection display attitude
But without your presence house wouldn't be home
Painting world with color
Without it is monochrome
Only you have power to make heart beat fast
Do more for me than I ever could have asked
Attraction embedded in bone and cell
Crazy about you
Easy to tell
I adored you from the very start
Smile and eyes are a work of art
Up close melt into your skin
Fell into your being
You make my head spin
The second we touch
Surroundings fade out
When sad you steal away my pout
I have uncontrollable urge to rip off your clothes
Can't believe it's me you chose
You radiate light that shines from your soul
That brightens the darkness inside boring a hole
Where I am missing pieces you instead fill
Emptiness with butterflies that refuse to be still
You fufill deepest fantasies and desires
When lips brush neck it sets my nerves on fire
The chaos of universe may try to break us apart
It's not stronger than the bonds connecting our hearts
I hope emotions last forever
After time itself ends
Nothing I own as valuable as these precious hours we spend
This memory one I promise to always hold dear
Even if you leave someday you'll never fully disappear
I simply wish you to share the same enchantment I do
Every day I consider a gift because I get to wake up next to you
The present moment that I spend with you is the best gift you could ever bestow unto me
Sep 9 · 291
Your POV
I listen to point of view
Eyelids opened so wide
I never see until too late
Thoughts moseying through your mind
I hear your message with ears
Try practicing what you preach
So I witness joy cover your face
Gentle ways you cannot seem to teach
When fingers lace together
Forget our friction for awhile
Avoiding conflict best as I can
Still fail to make you smile
Refuse to learn from mistakes
Present is clouded by dread
Human histories breed hesitation
Future is dangling from a thread
Tired of being the erroneous one
Doomed to displease from the start
Afraid of ruining intimacy
How easily I fall apart
When you're less than perfect
Stop treating you like the enemy
The truth is I don't deserve you
Swear I'll change and become a better me
I am changing although it's hard to see sometimes
Sep 7 · 171
What You Deserve
I am terrified to fall in love with you
Know how easily I can break
Say it is worth the risk
Don't get how much is at stake
Got fantasies frolicking in skull
Pills do not make me feel as great as you
I don't dare succumb to effects
Fairytales are too good to be true
That little voice whispering
To try again and be brave
My longing is stifled by past events
When I last let my resolve cave
Can I find strength to take the plunge?
Leap off cliff to uncharted depths below?
Without harness or safety net to catch
Unwilling to allow myself to sink that low
Help cut tethers trapping me in this place
Give anything to feel free once more
My fear holds me captive inside a prison
I can't seem to find the door
You make falling appear easy
With snap of fingers head over heels
Icy heart has been frozen for so long
Can barely remember how being alive feels
I wish I could forget sorrow
Brought by mention of a familiar name
Remind myself that you are different
Still worry it will end the same
It does not seem fair for you to give your all
Equal effort expected in return
I am simply unable to reciprocate
Love and consideration for which you yearn
I want to but I don't know how to anymore
Aug 26 · 645
Count To Ten
I close eyes and count to ten
Take shaky breath of air
Hesitate to open them
Afraid to see you are no longer there
I want to make you happy
Sometimes that seems so tough
Despite golden intentions
Efforts are never enough
Then we build expectations
Late into night
At first both exceed them
Until sparks ignite fight
Yet fire lights lantern
To guide way through the dark
Ecstasy acts as glowing beacon
On weightless journey I embark
Your laughter rings like chords in ear
You got me above clouds so high
Trust earned like a certification
Learning to let hang loose fears you untie
Teaching to speak with a tender tongue
Feeling finer than I have in years
I hope that beneath the surface
Devotion is as deep as it appears
Appreciating your words and savoring
Time we have before it disappears
My boyfriend read this and crossed out the last line and this is what he replaced it with:

I have to kiss your rear
I might be just so right
That we won't have to fight
Don't be scared because we are pretty tight so hear
To see, adventures are limitless as our hearts grow closer near

<3
Aug 24 · 453
Cardiac Arrest
You take heart right from my bleeding chest
Suffering cardiac arrest
All fears it seems are second-guessed
Scared this attempt will work out like the rest
Hurt a few too many occasions before
Tip-toeing on ever shaking floor
It's obvious you don't want me anymore
Need reason to keep on breathing for
Crashing lightning
Rolling thunder
Caught in current and it's pulling me under
I cannot help but stop and wonder
Why my dreams are torn asunder
No space left inside head
Taken up by lies you said
Wish I felt happy instead
Infected me with a sense of dread
It's not your fault
Torn in two
I have myself to blame for believing you
Your eyes oceans I fell into
I'm drowning in those pools of blue
Looking at yesterday
Tried so hard to walk away
Can't break chains around my feet
Without your touch incomplete
I feel like a cupcake without frosting when you are not around me
Aug 23 · 403
The Luckiest Daughter
I know I pull nerves sometimes
Your stomach left feeling hollow
Chest rhythms identical
In your footsteps swear not to follow
A solid lump forms in throat
Weighing down heart
So fragile I experience pain
Cry even miles apart
I may not have gotten to select you
But I wouldn't have ever picked another
If death kills you hope you haunt me
Because I can't imagine life without my mother
Written before my mom passed away so reading it again makes me cry...
Aug 17 · 270
Before You're Gone
Tears rain onto cheeks as you watch
In my head wheels spin around
Speech crackling like phone line static
Words blurs barely making sound
How can it be I already epitomize alone?
You reassure me there's plenty of time
Doubts creep like morning fog
Mentally assessing mountain you must climb
Staring at fragile fingers
Present compared to past
Sun set in an instant
Night falling fast
Surroundings mostly hazy
Some parts crystal clear
Ironically what I witness best
Are the things I long to disappear
I'm left with knot in my stomach
Getting tighter with each turn
Wanting peace known as a child
Naivete time won't return
I bought one-way ticket to worry
Shouldn't have boarded train at all
Choke my sorrows and lungs with smoke
Drown yours in alcohol
Life nicer through a glass
Sure it ensures your fear departs
Pulse started pounding louder in my ear
Love wistfully contained within hearts
I cannot explain terror
Bleeding out
Hole will not close
Stubborn ways too old to change
Your incongruence shows
Forcing hope straight down throat
Waiting for falsity to be revealed
Flowers you planted instead of weeds
To be crushed on cruel battlefield
Your comfort tonelessly whispers to me
Thought that would soothe my stress
Did not argue with your perspective
For your sake try obsessing less
But under surface shrieking
Phrases pondered remaining hid
Grasping for method to save you
Before you are gone and I wished that I did
This sure does hit hard now

Written 6-9-22
Aug 13 · 975
Warmth Of Your Hand
Softer than rustle of leaves in the wind
Or shifting grains of sand
Nothing compares to blanketing warmth
You emit with touch of your hand
One touch is all it takes to light my heart on fire
Aug 12 · 602
Your Side Of Our Bed
Your side untouched for what felt like eternity
Written 3-8-21
Aug 5 · 473
Marlboros
A pack of cigarettes in hand
Smokes burned one by one
Smudges stain top of nightstand
Blinds shut to block the glaring sun
Holes worn through T-shirt
High-tops laced tight
Welcome mat encrusted in dirt
Dimly-lit room depressing sight
You are expert deceiver
Exactly like father
So long I've been a believer
Start wondering why I bother
Trying to tame restless feet
Directions walked previously unknown
Pressured to presume defeat
Surrender and let roam
I complain about insights I uncover
Problems too heavy to hold
Compulsive liar yet my lover
Think your excuses are growing old
Quick to clamber to conclusions
Can admit that much is true
You fill our house with illusions
A haze so thick I can't view through
You're straying from path I'm on
Desperate to save our love from getting sick
Play games with my head and string me along
Enjoying the agony you inflict
Your soul beautiful yet wild
Voice is music to my ears
Have done anything for you to smile
Guess now that means my presence disappears
Never next to you was I able to see straight
Adoration rendered me blind
Now I'm alone my vision returns too late
Answers revealed I was too afraid to find
Five in the morning
Can't sleep
Tormented memories
Stories told in time until I lose track
Moments perfectly carved in mind pester and tease
I yearn for the universe I'll never get back
Written 3-8-21
I'm slowly losing more you every day that disappears

Aren't we incapable of holding onto the things that matter most?
Aren't we all?
Jul 26 · 81
I Didn't Ask...
I never asked you to fall in love
Never begged to own heart
Chose to share your life for free
You want to be apart
I believe you are making a mistake
Something horrible you will regret
I assumed that what we shared was special
You passed up kinda love people rarely get
Me and you head over heels
I admit that much to be true
You're not who you made yourself out to be
I trust that the authentic version no one knew
Need to understand reasons
I imagine that if you explain why
Ran away from the world we built
My tears would slowly dry
Jul 23 · 322
Unnoticed
Not noticed from beginning
Parallel parked car
Windshield tinted
Stickered bumper
Wiping tears to collect in a jar
Nails chewed at the ends
Watching through small panes of glass
Fence of fear put between us
Fighting demons that harass
About whether to halt or flee
Butterflies telling lies
Distance will take away secrets
Conscious is cut down to size
Said you couldn't believe luck
Being with a girl like me
Something darkening your pupils
Smelled hint of sour finally
Cheeks flushed crimson with blood and shame
Plans cancelled out of the blue
Sorry said like it was not a big deal
Worked before a time or two
Did you suspect me to be that gullible?
That I would not check your alibi?
You think I'd be easy to forget
With **** of your head said goodbye
Still going through worst every day
Loneliness deeper than the sea
Sensing lost connection dwindling fast
Increasing intake
Caffeine and vitamin c
Maybe were chained to my skeleton
Hanging on because you had no choice
You weren't playing me the whole time
Rendezvous and secrets shared your voice
As I drink insecurities
You in a hurry go out the front door
Follow and find out where you drive
Heart was needing to understand more
It may be too late presently for us
I still hold hope for you and I
If I cross your mind at all please can we just try?
Written 3-3-31
Jul 15 · 503
A Million Times
I'd fall from hands a million times
So many occasions you've let me down
If knowing better I'd stay away
Keep giving me the runaround
And think I'm a glutton for punishment
When willing I am somehow charmed
Into the worst situations readily dive
So person you pretend to be is unharmed
Sees fireworks and calls name
Moment suspended in time
Everything is heaven in your presence
I would crush myself if it meant helping you climb
And sprinkle wishes on surface
It made you proud of me
And laughing stars lit up the skyline
Filled you with identities I couldn't flee
You were young when you tumbled headfirst
Defenseless to varying degrees of pain
Wouldn't even stray from my side
My heart what drove you insane
Laying on beautiful grass
There to wipe fine tears from my eyes
Roads visible from the windowsill
Been forced to inhale the dust that flies
Before you stepped from your spirit
I imagine you longed to be free
Just want to understand if I'm right
Sparkle assuming to silently agree
Like remnants of ground clinging to clothes
Eruption of dirt and desire
Gave birth to traveling attention
Upon future danced waiting to tire
Like edges aren't real if they aren't addressed
Our bodies make excuses
Just long to come first in your book
Heavy world plays games and uses
Hanging from cliffs by fingernails
Not the palms of your hands
To me is no permanent solution
A little lighter and minutes may understand
I yearn to be thing you need most
Pushed against wall so tight
Straining to support my body standing
Further from your sight
So life doesn't wear you out as much
For you straighten it's curves
You have to admit it takes strength
Deep breaths feel like what I deserve
And do little to change my circumstance
It is me who chose the easier route
Heights the obstacle blocking achievement
Be your back-up plan when in doubt
Because it is not what I had planned
It's giving up and caving in
Chance to come with new ideas
And willingness to hide within
Burn and do wrong in your haste to cover tracks
The universe shows your mistakes
Listening and looking for signs
I think life will relieve the aches
This is an inch from cataclysm
Chamber loaded in gun
My lips are wrapped around the barrel
Giving you opportunity to run
I hope you find what you are searching for
Sky where stare is fixed upon
For you I'm writing this
And I believe you are better off with me gone
Written 3-3-21
Jul 12 · 502
Paying The Price
You didn't want love I offered
I continued life alone
Both lucky
You more than I
To be alive on my own
It's 11:11
Make a wish
Won't come true for you twice
Time I lost missing you is now yours to spend
You are paying the price
Written 3-3-21
Jul 1 · 478
Old Spice
When I smell Old Spice it takes nose back
Think of being close to your skin
Was it your sweat as our pulses raced?
We were producing promises to win
Homemade pizza promptly devoured
Flour handprints on ****
Bedazzled jeans
Holes in both knees
Blond hair perfectly cut
I remember admiring freckles
Couldn't take your eyes off my smile
Inebriated night after night
Dreamed of walking the aisle
When tasting Smirnoff *****
Always think of our start
Hearing laughter in my mind
No matter how long we have been apart
It's crazy how little things can take you back in time

Written 3-3-21
Jun 29 · 872
As Bad As I Imagined
It was bad as I always imagined
Honey no longer tastes sweet
All who partake intoxicated
Words melted in the midday heat
Illusions beyond comprehension
Evoking apparitions from a fleeting flashback
Fragments claimed in the light of day
Painted my world in shades of black
I could only watch colors fade
Charismatic allure had me paralyzed
Energy spent transformed into tears
Crossed paths unrecognized
Time has not dwindled intensity
Feeling depth exceeding all measure
Defined by despondent devotion
You no longer bring body pleasure
I dream a life free from anchors
The shadows darkening the air
In moonlight images my skin unblemished
Make-believe scars were never there
If only I could pretend something into existence
Jun 28 · 437
All Alone
I wish there were ways to heal
Struggling to close cuts
Without stitches to tie skin together
Won't let a single one shut
Without glue to stick
Doesn't matter what words you say
Wanting won't make up to me
Top of head is turning grey
Feeling as if I'm not in control
Forced to look ahead
Doctor would diagnose depression
But I'm determined to not exit my bed
Without somebody saying they love me
Line easier to cross
Believing that I want to die
Apathy being my pushy boss
Charger crouches on table unused
The reason I don't have a phone
Best friends have all abandoned me
I truly am all alone
Written 3-3-21
Jun 26 · 339
No Clue
I wish I was made of bulletproof skin and a barbed wire mind
Heart was buried treasure impossible to find
In need of good luck if you've any to spare
Seems mine was carried away like a balloon into the air
I dream of following but I can't sprout a pair of wings
To the earth anchored by melancholy
Held by a thousand strings
Full of too much sorrow there's hardly any room to move
Grief sits on shoulders
An anchor weighing too much to remove
Mirrors at every turn mocking me with my own reflection
Tormenting reminders of each mistake and imperfection
I do not know how much longer I am able to stand on these two feet
Exhausted from daily performance mastered and am condemned to forever repeat
Don't believe my own worth though I try I can't love who I have become
Disappointment stings worse than bees so do all I can to stay numb
I'm waging war with myself and taking bets on which side will win
Back and forth tug of war constantly makes my head spin
Heaven? Hell?
Good? Evil?
Light? Dark?
I have no clue
I'm so lost in madness contained in my soul that it is tearing my heart in two
Feeling some type of way
Next page