and what is justice in the face of adversity?
what is confidence in the midst of cowardice?
what is fine and what makes your throat tight?

i do not know, for i am simply a poet
but i wish for someone to guide me
so that nobody hurts me
so that i
no longer cry...

admire the blankness:




















now feel the loneliness.














welcome to my heart, dear girl
it is blackness and blankness
please, send someone quick
to fill it

spikes and chains
i enjoy the pain
frilly lace
and satin space

you’ve got quite a pretty face
especially when it twists into a scowl
when you put me in my place

Hopeless


Staring down at you
It never mattered
What does it do?
You never mattered

You don’t have a future
Maybe you should give up now
You should be more like her
Well, it’s too late right now

Buried in roses
I’d vanish happily
For once, I know this
The actions I do are all I am, sadly

I wish to wither
I wish to splinter
I wish to fade with the winter

Please, just look at me kindly

for once.

Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
My nerves have failed me yet again.

Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
My senses are overwhelmed again.

Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
My body can’t handle what it’s taking

Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
My diaphragm is twisting and turning.




                     I’m scared.

so empty
so dark
so scary
death is far
which is good
but now i am left with nothing
and no one
just empty

so empty.

i smile
but the man in the corner
begs to differ
so i cry
and he, in turn
smiles.

the floor is cold
as i sit naked on it
knees to my chest
crying, weeping for days

and the voices get closer
and it comes to a ******
and then i take my medication
and go to work

no more noise
no more men
i brought her home
but forgot my medication

i slipped up again
i answered their question aloud
she ran
i never wanted to scare her
i just wanted to love her
but she ran like all the rest

i stared at the door
and i saw him flash in the corner
i turn
but he is nowhere

so i beg them to come back
but there is silence
and nothing more

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

do you know the loneliness that resides within?
do you see the sadness tainting my gin?
do you feel the blackness of my sin?
would you let their darkened sorrow win?

of course you wouldn’t; you’re a warrior—
strong and tall in the face of adversity.
everything happens for a reason, you say,
and you believe in god.

all i want right now
is to be like you.
all i want right now
is to think like you.
all i want right now
is to be strong like you.

but, instead, i crumble.
i fall to my knees and mumble.
my thoughts run wild and i tumble
into the bowels of thunder that rumbles.

just when i want to get better
the thoughts come back to get me.

and now i am trapped
and i kiss Misery’s feet.

welcome to ana heaven
where people are collar bones
and thigh gaps are God

we are fragile, like petals
the only simile that saves me
from the harsh reality

i don’t look at you, i look through you
x-ray vision desecrates you
i don’t see you as human
i see bones

you are not thin yet, child
come with me, and it’ll be worth your while
or you collapse into the clouds
and god forbid, you fall back to Earth

stay in play land
where we live off tea and acid reflux

where we spit up food
and giggle like babies
at the sight of our malnourished bodies


give me ana heaven, sick skin
give me laxatives, stick thin

or i have nothing at all.

Frightful and paranoid
The fear begins to set in
But then I remember
There is no one outside
There is nothing within.

i opened my hand for you
and just as i thought you’d notice
you forgot that you left your book
in the hallway
away
from me.

i opened my eyes
to your silhouette
closing the door
without a single look back
at me.

i opened my mind to you

but i was far too cruel.

and come with me, baby
we will fade into obscurity.
the fog swirls with us
as we dance away from the sun

there is nothing more romantic
than death on a sunday night
i long to be right
to win a fight

i am trapped in a limbo
waiting, expecting
only to be put down
like a miserable puppy buried in the ground.

kiss me quickly
for our time leaves soon
and before you know it, it’s noon
and before you know it, you see the moon

monday morning and misery
but this is no regular apathy
this is a different kind, more gloomy
the sadness in my soul is more roomy

tell me, my lover
why must we live?
why must we suffer?



i have nothing more to give

i have infinite options
but i don’t wanna do anything
i’m so tired
of everything.

unfinished


i don’t feel inspired anymore
it’s all just ******* nothing
fading into my heart
i have left everything unfinished
so i sit
forever uneasy
and forever hungry.

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

the wind carried us through the night
we rode along it laughing and dancing
and then at the inn
we touched each other till we sighed
bliss under the moonlight

as i sit tense on this plane, i wonder
am i closer to you up here?
do you truly look from the heavens?
do you protect me from regrets?

sweet small talk
fills the child with lies
as murderous eyes stalk
they seek to bleed you till you die

paranoia is incorrect
giddiness unkempt
fear is easier to accept
either way, doom will be met

“mommy, can you do it for me?”
a guilty question wrought in youth
“my love, can you set me free?”
an age-old concept based on truth

death is inevitable and too powerful
shaking, i refuse to accept that
i am ashamed to still be fearful
in my comfort zone, i’m glad

if i join you
what should i say?
i might die once more if i do
simply because you were such a light
a ray that shone upon my darkness
your warm embrace held me quickly
and released all too soon

and if i may tell you,
on the next blood moon...



i truly do love you.

as i walk upon this ground—
your ground,
i suddenly miss you,
my native brothers.

the oak trees twist and turn
signaling the return of my soul
and the loss of yours

on behalf of my kind, i truly apologize
we stole your land
and murdered you all

your statement was right—
no one can own the Earth.
we have tried,
and look where it brought us.

now we are burning up
at the expense of prosperity
and sacrificing longevity

native american blood
flows deeper, beyond fossil fuels
underneath the fracking
there’s truth buried somewhere

i can feel it, i definitely can
i wish i could scream to everyone,
“they were right!”

i wish i could scream to everyone
i wish i could bleed myself
to show them what we have lost...
to show them who you have lost.

native american blood
dries and coagulates accordingly
to our war rules

native american blood
flows no longer
stagnant in our marginalized hearts

native american truth
was our last hope

When you’re little, everyone thinks you’re special...
When you’re twenty, everyone thinks you’re promising...
And when you’re dead, everyone will love you.

Do you see yourself as successful?
Beautiful?
Charming, even?

Well, I see you dead in a bathtub...
Surrounded by drug paraphernalia.
I see your mother crying for you...
Syringe in her arm to take away pain.

Do you see yourself as a failure?
Disgusting?
Horrid, even?

Why, don’t think of yourself that way...
You’ll be alright.
There is no storm...
Just calm, just the eye...

When you’re little, they beat you.
When you’re twenty, you’re hopeless.
And when you’re dead, you’re saved.

Is the drive boring?
Tiring?
Numbing, even?

It’s okay, just fall asleep...
You’re not responsible anyway.
It’s fine, go to sleep...
You’ll be unresponsive, anyway.

When you’re low, it’s blue.
When you’re high, it’s full.
When you’re dead, you’ll finally be numb.

Needle into you
Bores holes into my soul
Needle into me
Saves me from tragedy

Torture tools upset you
They frighten me, too
But what can you do?
It happens all too soon

And hope runs away
Far from this place
Poked him, said he was gay
Face meets metal plate

So scream, scream, little girl
Run and scream, you ******* freak
It’s all you’ve got left
Because you’re next

The blackness gets you
But you don’t understand
Just take my hand
When you’re dead, you’ll be glad

So scream, scream little boy
Run and scream, you ******* freak
It’s all you’re good for
They don’t need you anymore

Scream away your vocal chords
You ******* *****
Don’t you know you’re the reason he died?
If I could cut you, I would
But I think that’s a crime
Run until your lazy legs stop
You pathetic *****
Run, before I bleed you
Run, before I realize

How much I need you

For you don’t exist

Because this poem
Is about me.

stomach twists in pure fear
i’ve had enough people for a year
feel their eyes burning into me
rather leave you for soul deceit

alone and focused on
i feel so far gone
i want to scream
i want to wake up from this dream

i think i look stupid
i don’t think i feel worth it
hoping for someone to take the blame
of the loneliness left untamed

will they see me write this?
can i justify this?
i just want a friend to sit down with
i don’t need a hug or a kiss

i want to go home
i want to say no
trapped in obligations
sadness in mitigation

maybe i should say something
but it might disturb something
how are you?
good, i’ve got something to do

come watch my misery
from a comfortable bird’s eye view

you said you'd come clean,
but i know it's not easy.

you left behind emptiness--
confusion and hollowness,

as we all shuffle about in gloom,
the gloom of remembering you.

maybe it's stupid, after all, i never knew you,
but i distantly care...i do.

you give me hope--
a way to cope.

i almost feel like
your voice is my home.

and in the words i find
no comfort as i crawl
away to my demise
sad eyes glued to a device

no poem in months
no one seemed to notice
that i missed out on the fun
and that i had nowhere to run

tags and labels
hoping i'll be noticed
but my attempts come to no avail
and my imagination has gone stale

romance is bleak
i'm not sure what to say
care is obsolete
love is incomplete

music is all i'm good for
and that's not even enough
so i sit here on the floor
begging them to shut the door

well, since there is no end in sight
maybe i will end this here
if i may and if you might
turn away if this gives you fright

i go outside
and i despise
the sunlight in
that little girl's eyes

why was it me?
it hurt, you see
i'd have preferred
you to **** me

inside hurts
throbbing pain
shooting straight
to my brain

why was it me?
i'm not a toy, you see
i'd have preferred
you to skip me

bleeding soul
growing old
flesh is mold
love feels cold.

I know I have let you all down.
My heart stings at the sound of my voice.
I’ll give the people what they want.
My heart aches at the feeling of my warmth.

I can feel your words cut through my back.
Silently whispered between the walls.
I can feel your lips brush against my neck.
Sensations felt long ago.

I sense your eyes boring into me
It was there for a long time.
What do you say when I’m not there?
It was said for a long time.

I’ve been sad for a long time.
I’ve felt bad for a long time.
I’ve thought about this for a long time.


I mean it this time.

i had almost lost myself
in the crowd of facades
i had almost forgotten
who i was and who i will be
i had almost left
my beloved self behind.

but i’m here again,
and i’m here now.

i’m the strongest i’ve ever been.

I remember that placid night...
Sitting in my room alone.
Something inside me was filled with fright,
Knowing that there was no one to phone.

And I suddenly hungered, ached, desired—
That animalistic feeling,
That urge left unhindered—
That lustful tingling.

A lust I lusted after,
But to no avail.
My lonely heart started beating faster,
But all I could do was wait and wail.

I felt choked up,
Stifled beyond belief.
I felt like I had dealt with enough,
And I needed to help my soul breathe.

A lust I had lusted after,
Longing for that forgotten feeling.
But my hopes were useless chatter,
No one could hear my silent pleading.

I felt so very hopeful—
Hopeful and excited.
But I was left feeling wistful,
With my lust uninvited.

ashes covered them all
the petals of the rose fall off rather quickly
when poison sickens all
leaving the people and the animals in
a corner, crumpled and smiling weakly.

the State seemed to have lost its mind
no one knew of what was to come
they were forever left behind
they tried to hold in the child’s laugh
the mother’s joy
the father’s grin
the baby’s squeal
they tried to encase it all in a metal dome

it may keep the poison out
but what about those who stood there before?
what about those who’s cells faced drought
who’s lovers were left behind
who’s children were left to die
what about the poison that has sunk into the pores
of generations and many more to come

the disease is long-standing;
thirty years is simply a blink of an eye
for the monster lurking nearby
slowly drowning
slowly suffocating
into the ground, where it will begin to **** more

and still, the city is coated in thin ash
as the sky dies
and the buildings rot
and the occasional visitor cries not for the destruction
but for her sister
who contracted the Poison not too long before the dome
she was paler when she came home
her smile faded as she came home


the city was paler when i came home

just a few years after.

A soft, gentle warmth
A touch of pillowy, overly perfumed femininity
Suffocating me into serenity

Quick, slender fingers
Bandaging my every move
Warning me against standing in the rain
And quick fingers slipped under my skin

Small, frail waist
Brushes against me as we dance
And I am pulled closer reluctantly
Into estrogen and ecstasy

Full, colorful lips
That would drive anyone else crazy
But they just seem to spit the most horrid things ever said
And they seem to sentence me
(Under the blissful vow of marriage)
To a life of torture and conviction
Underneath a piercing gaze...          




    I would rather die.
  
                


              “You may now kiss the bride.”

And then my heart stopped short
As the rest of me rushed to keep up
And your face held placidly in the moonlight


You’re so very dark with your eyelashes and hair
I could steal it all away for myself
As my tears slowly crystallize

Your skin glows faintly
In the begging starlight
Calling me, beckoning me
For just one touch

Oh, how I would have you
If it could have been the other way
I could hold you in my arms
As I cherish your warmth


Oh, if only you knew how I love you
I wish it could be the other way
I wish you knew how I would hold you
And how I long for you day after day.

You’re green, bubbly, and magenta.
You’ve transformed my vision of what I call psychedelia—
Wow!
I wouldn’t have expected you to walk up to me right here, right now.
You have candy canes on your face!
Funny you should come to this place....

Do you like it here?
See, look! A blue deer!
Wait, why is he sad?
Come along, please don’t be mad...

...a pretty color indeed!
Yes, I think it’s very sweet.
I’m so very curious, sir.
Why is it that the mangroves stir?

I find your idea rather enchanting,
However my imagination is too demanding...
Why are you here?
What summoned you and told you to appear?

Never the matter, let’s bask away;
Hurry, there’s only so much left today.
Beautiful, yes it is,
But stranger than a ghost’s kiss...

I don’t quite understand...
My fate doesn’t feel too grand,
And I suddenly realize
The meaning behind all your lies.

You were the one.
You took away the sun,
Leaving me with night
And a heart filled with fright.
You were the one.
You said it’d be fun,
And guided me in my infancy
To not worry or look too closely
Until one day it was gone


And I tried to forget
That you were the one.

I know you are fearful,
For you have been treated this way before
But I am merciful;
“Please listen!” You implore,
But I am too regretful.

You know how I am,
For I have never changed
But your embrace is plentiful;
“I will! I promise!” I cry in rage,
But you are just too wistful.

I wish I could show you
The things I feel everyday
But my mind is hurtful;
“Please, stay for a bit longer.” I say,
But I am not so hopeful.

I was right.

It was hard,


But you said goodbye.

It's beautiful, crystalline moments like these
That allow my sobering soul to believe.

So, you fancy fame?
Are you willing to step into the frame,
And give up your life
In exchange for the spotlight?

Careful--
It could go out soon.
Wistful--
Listen to the monster's croon.

So, you envy the game?
Will you keep your reputation tame?

And listen as they watch,
While you are left all done and used


Like another belt notch.

Such symbolic sentences...I fancy them.
Situations so strange...as well as how I end them.
Simple seeking of silence...useless in its longing.
Subjugating secrets...cruel in its withdrawal.

Shall we share the shyness? There is plenty for you...
Should we show our shallow shells? We will certainly protect you.
Shall we scare the separated sons of servants? They never told you.
Should we sell selfish souls? I did not mean to punish you.

Which is just?
Maybe all of them, if you must.

Which is right?
A few of them, if it helps you sleep at night.

Where is she?
Right in your heart, I promise truthfully.



        -- Yes, I know. Eventually, there will be writing on the wall.


                                                         ­           

              
                                                  
             ­                                       (It is only a matter of time.)

For once, the day was okay.
For once, my soul wasn't at dismay.
For once, the sky wasn't gray.

The darkness had faded into happiness,
And the sun came back to life.
The garden was no longer filled with dreariness,


And I
Began to live

Once more.

twisting groves of evergreen feel so serene...
comforting to my sore hands in the stream...
violets leap and leopards grow...
springing from the ground to and fro.
the pale blue sky recovers from a dawn-absent night,
as i keel over in sudden fright.

where are you taking me?
the scenery twists
green turning to red and red turning to black,
till it all fades to nothing, and never comes back.

oh, it seems i have awoken.
the morning lilacs twist and turn
inside the little ceramic urn.
the room is barren but for two paintings
one with stripes and one that’s caving
where have you taken me?
i approach one in curiosity
wonder and excitement filling me hurriedly.
the lilacs are at my feet now
lulling me in and telling me to sleep now
      sleep, sleep, they call out in longing.
i must listen to their calling.
i wander through the spiraling air
over to their dusty lair.
and then death himself rises me up,
his presence and hurried silence stifling me far enough
i was taken into a large, red portal,

and then i saw the evergreen again.
and then everything faded to black.






               and then i died.

Sultry seduction softly spoken in strip clubs,
Cleansing carry-on and cut-away cult-goers,
Booming bandits and brass bullets,
All come together to assemble the assembly.

Wistful wisteria watch willfully
As animals adamantly attack one another,
As cold-cut, careless children caress carnivorous cameras,
And as pricey pigs pinch the pincers of pink pinpricks.

Chaos ensued among the anthill atheists,
Terror engulfed the residences of the Republicans,
Revolting ******* encompassed the demise of the Democrats,
And disgusting dissatisfaction destroyed the “don’t know, don’t do” dwellers.

Tell me, tag-along,
When does willful wanting win?
When does less lead to Ledbetter,
And when does more lead to maybe?

Tell me, strict stranger,
When will Time tell the talkers and tremblers to tune in?
Where should the preposterous and painfully patient people point their pain to?
Where should I left-handedly leave this letter?

Tell me, go-getter,
Will it ever feel better?

I think—
I think there was a man and a woman...
They were arguing.

Inside the man’s tightly curled fist
Rested a pistol
With his index finger slumbering on the trigger.

The woman,
Unalarmed, stepped forwards
Challenging the man.

He jumped in reaction,
The gun flailing along with his taut, strained arms.
The woman began to shout, when

An explosion of gunpowder
Cut open all the air


         And everything went silent.

Remember
What we spent?
Remember
How we wept?

Was it all null?
Was it all nothing?

Remember
What I said?
Remember
The time before it was dead?

Was it all absent?
Was it all missing?

Remember
How we held
In a still moment such as this
How we suffered for the sun
And how we rejoiced for the rain?

Remember
A day similar to this and ones past
When we were together
And we held fast?

Is this all you wanted?
Well, it’s all you’ve left behind.
Is this how it’ll be?
Well, it’s what you’ve left

For me.

I love your idea of success
How you want to sing
But you can never get on that stage
You will never be your best
Because your best
Is the same as all the rest

You make me feel like I’m nothing

(But I love you)

I would express my anger,

But I don’t want to hurt you.

My vocal chords scream out,
But I haven’t the means.
My knees give out,
But it wasn’t on a screen.

I haven’t made the grade

Till I’m on that stage.

Don’t you see him?

He sits in the corner,

Spending hours and passing judgment

On all I have to say.

Don’t you see him?

He tormented me

With questions and answers

Spending money and passing time

With all I have to provide.

Don’t you see him?

He is a dark shadow

That gathers on the edge of my mind

And fades along

With the disappearance of night.

maybe i am here.
would you see me?

the door is open--
you can walk on out.

see all the teenagers
jigging about.

i don't think it's your scene
over here with me.


maybe i am there.
could you hear me?

the capitals are low--
turning sentences inside out.

see all the thoughts
hanging around.

the vision is blurred
over here with me.


maybe i am no longer.
could you sense me?

don't misunderstand--
that's not what this poem is about.

see my blank stare
midnight all around.

the time is all gone
over here with me.

I think I will rot.
Maybe I will not.
There isn't any air,
My head feels hot.

I would like to ask,
Do you feel as lonely as I?
In melancholy we shall bask,
Quietly contemplating under a gray sky.

I feel like singing.
My heartbeat is stinging.
The dull mirth fading,
My subtle song thinning.

I would like to ask,
Do you feel as quiet as I?
In burnt kerosene we shall bask,
Quietly suffering until we die.

I couldn't focus today.
It was awfully loud.
I wish they would turn the volume down.

The sky was dark.
Why didn't it rain?

When the fog clears,

Maybe Father will come home again.

They put me in today.
I think it rained.
My emotions will decay.
Loneliness is all that remains.

They put him in, too.
He is sad, as am I.
He said, "I am just as lonely as you."
Is this where I'll die?

It seems I am here to stay.
I long for a friend.

I await the end of this day.

I want it all to end.