I remember that placid night...
Sitting in my room alone.
Something inside me was filled with fright,
Knowing that there was no one to phone.

And I suddenly hungered, ached, desired—
That animalistic feeling,
That urge left unhindered—
That lustful tingling.

A lust I lusted after,
But to no avail.
My lonely heart started beating faster,
But all I could do was wait and wail.

I felt choked up,
Stifled beyond belief.
I felt like I had dealt with enough,
And I needed to help my soul breathe.

A lust I had lusted after,
Longing for that forgotten feeling.
But my hopes were useless chatter,
No one could hear my silent pleading.

I felt so very hopeful—
Hopeful and excited.
But I was left feeling wistful,
With my lust uninvited.

you say that loving the same *** is worth hating.
you say that these people
for their unchosen sin should be paying,
but deep down, you’re the same.
you wake up every morning
hating the same day.

you say that another skin color is what they should be wearing,
but really, you are also truly despairing.

you tell them to be this,
and be that.
you tell them that they’re too skinny,
or too fat.

you tell them how to be and who to be—i wish you could see through your hypocrisy.


because all colors of the rainbow are pretty.

because every size is alright.

because these people try with all their might.

because being different shouldn’t be met with fright.


let us all dance together





and fade into this beautiful night.

I remember that day,
That faithful day.

The day I fell in love with you.
Right under that cherry tree,
The petals falling on our heads,
That day I looked into your eyes.

That faithful day brought about many moments of sorrow.
Some people chose to move on from us,
Like petals floating away with the wispy gusts of wind.

Those who chose to stay
And support us,
They are truly special.
Like rare flowers only found in the Spring.

But even if no one was left,
I would never leave you.
For we are a flower that never dies,
A tree that is never felled,
An unending embrace.

So even if there are no petals left on the sakura trees,
And all the flowers have been plucked,
We will still stay,
Our love unchanged.

Throughout the harsh winter
And the drought of summer,
We will never die.

When tests of strength are sprung upon us by the gods of the Earth,
We will stand firmly,
Implanted in the soft soil.

In the field of battle you are the sword,
Strong and courageous,
And I will be the shield,
Protecting you with the strength of my spirit and at your weakest points,
Even if blood were to rain from the sky,
And the tall, creamy pillars of this world were to crumble and fall to the ground.

Together, we are one with everything on this Earth.
We hail to no one but ourselves,
And we respect ourselves and the land around us just like any flower would.

But what the average onlooker doesn’t know,
Is that we are no ordinary flower.

—————————————————
~an introduction for ignorant newborns~


we live in a society built on lies...
when the hell will we get up and open our eyes?

sitting in the back seat watching time go by...
powerless to the person at the wheel...

when we unplug our monitors,
we unplug our minds.


take your pills,
now go back to sleep...


put on your headphones,
mindless to this rotting world
that perpetually dies.

turn the volume up,
and every time the volume increases,
your ignorance follows suit.

blind yourself in the limelight of cameras,
oh, beloved celebrity.

cover your feelings with makeup, and cleanse yourself of anxiety with your...

medicine.


talk about how “OCD” you are,
as you drive past the mental ward.








—————————————————
~interlude~


mr. president stands before a thousand cameras—

lights flashing,
questions asking.

what will he say?
what will he decide?
or,
will he lie?

he turns his head to one camera.
he smiles and says it’ll be alright.

he turns his head to another.
he frowns and talks about how there should be no more ******.

he looks to a camera in front of him and says,
“we are a free people...”




and i wonder



which broadcast tells the truth?



—————————————————
~ode to the top 1%~

on the top floor,

watch through the eye of god,
as the filthy ants scramble below you.

look through your glass window,
as the man on the other side cleans it.

frown upon him as if he is an insect,
instead of a man.

shuffle your papers,
as you shuffle the choices of who lives and who dies.  

posh parties,
and lively celebrations—

as well as child deaths,
and gun violence.

the TV isn’t working—
maybe you can see the agony on their faces through the static.

scoff and walk away—


thirty more people died at the expense of the NRA today.


turn off the light


that those children never had.



—————————————————
~an untimely end to this never ending struggle (conclusion)~



how will it all end for humanity?


will it end by war
or by famine
or by mass-******?


or will it end depending on the mind?



tell yourself it’s fine
with ***** and alcohol.



or tell yourself it’s not because of lack thereof.



but those aren’t the only paths.






you decide your end.




will you get up and make a change before you die?




or will you sit down and close your eyes?



will you help the woman who’s fallen,



or will you act like it didn’t happen?




so many paths one can take.





let us all try our hand





at this sick,
sick


game.







—————————————————
a special thanks to:
hatred,
hope,
dread,
life,
death,
change,
good,
bad,



oh,



and society for being such a pain in the ***.

spikes and chains
i enjoy the pain
frilly lace
and satin space

you’ve got quite a pretty face
especially when it twists into a scowl
when you put me in my place

we are holding hands, and
there’s that look on your face again and i...
i wish there was something i could do for you,
my love,
my life.

i want to give you
what you’ve given me.
i want to bless you
as you blessed me with that
****** curse of desire.

i want to touch you
the way you touched me that night.
i want to kiss you,
so you’ll miss me
like i miss you.

darling, i...
i wanna love you.

if you’re feeling down or lonely,
pardon me because
i’ll kiss you till you forget it all.

baby, i remember when you told me you loved me
under the stars and the moonlight of that night.

i want to hold you like you held me.
i want to hug you like you hugged me.

my love,
my life,
i’ll share your strife.

there was always that something—
that something about you.
that something that killed me because
you loved her and not me.

but now, baby,
you’re mine so
let me make it count.

love isn’t always just emotional, you know?

sometimes, on the nights that i’m alone, i curse myself for thinking such ***** things.

but i must confess,

i have lustful desires and

i want to be able to
act on them
one day.

my love,
my life,
i promise i won’t waste your care—
your touch, or
your taste, your feel
away.




thank you.

everything was so mundane,
no sound,
no name.

the silence watched over us like a hawk,
resting it’s talons on the trees above.

there was no thud,
no beat,
no reverb.

the machines did not whir,
or click,
or crackle.

the strings never hummed,
the girl never sang,
and the child never played.

neurons following a set circuit,
run,
stop,
go.

the sun always set,
yet it had never risen.

hardwired to the equipment,
but the machine never worked,

because the processor was coated in a mundane molasses.

moving through gray honey,
black and white retinas perceive gray things
for our slow-moving hands to paint.

the words were the same,
the day never changed,


it was, and always will be
the same.

i don't care anymore
do anything to me
i'll be fine as long as you leave me to sleep

i won't cry
i won't open my eyes
i'll be alright as long as you let me rest

take me anywhere
scream your sorrows at me
i'll be okay as long as i can take some sleep

throw me onto the ground
leave me me cold and on the floor
i don't mind as long as i can rest my eyes

call out my sins
tell the world all that i've held inside
it won't bother me as long as i can have a deep slumber


leave me to die
i won't mind
as long as i can have sleep for the last time.

On a day such as this,
I return from my tiring work.
On a day such as this,
I return to this dull world.

I hear it once more--
The droning, and the grayness it explores.

I feel it coming--
The humming, and the slight drumming...

The thinning beats are composed of children's pitter-patter,
And sullen ***** dish clatter.
The tuneless melody speaks of pointless meanings,
And empty greetings.

I hear it once more--
The droning, and the grayness it explores.

I feel it coming--
The humming, and the slight drumming...

I hear it one more time--
Or so I think,
For the part of me that understands
Has already died.

i do not know
what to write,

so i fill the empty spaces of my sentence
with the teardrops from the previous paragraph.

i do not know
what to say,

so i repeat the verse
i started yesterday.

i do not know
what my direction is,

so i write the stanza
winding into nothingness like a bookcase.

i do not remember
how i write my poems,

so i draw from feelings
felt long ago.

i do not remember
how to read,

so i recall a passage from a chapter book
i have yet to finish.

i do not know
if this has a rhythm or an order,

but i know i will find it soon.

poetry will come back to me
on the next crescent moon.

chills.
shaking.
sweating.
insecure.
normal.
can’t stop thinking.
obsessive.
disorder.
compulsive.
no real problems.
doesn’t care
even though he says he does.
bite back tears.
smile but you can’t.
meaningless noise.
it’s all in your head.
want acceptance.
can’t get it.
all in your head.
can’t face monsters under your bed.
past wounds opening up.
bleed.
don’t like how they look at him.
don’t wanna sleep.
feel imperfect.
wish i was perfect.
small things get to me.
wish i had her body.
wonder if he’d like me more if—





what if—






what could—





why is—






how does—




they don’t—




does he—





i wonder—





not alone.
have someone.
not enough.
greedy *****.
hold internal grudges.
mind can’t get enough.
it feeds of corpses of past feelings.



swallows you up.
try not to cry.
smile and laugh.
talk and eat.





try to swallow it up,
but it eats you alive.
a parasite
destroying you from inside.
if you can acknowledge it’s root,
you will someday understand—



the key to happiness—



it’s right in your hand.







“but









why do i keep losing it, mother?”






“sometimes, you need to get the fog out of your mind.”




“how do i get the fog away?”





“face your problems,



even if it’s to your dismay.”





“but mother, i know this. it seems really easy. could you please stop with these riddles,
and help me find that key?”





“but honey all i’ve got to say is,






some kids have lost the key,




but try to find it on their own.





you are a weakling, as they say.




















stop crying about how hard it is
to live your easy day.”

welcome to ana heaven
where people are collar bones
and thigh gaps are God

we are fragile, like petals
the only simile that saves me
from the harsh reality

i don’t look at you, i look through you
x-ray vision desecrates you
i don’t see you as human
i see bones

you are not thin yet, child
come with me, and it’ll be worth your while
or you collapse into the clouds
and god forbid, you fall back to Earth

stay in play land
where we live off tea and acid reflux

where we spit up food
and giggle like babies
at the sight of our malnourished bodies


give me ana heaven, sick skin
give me laxatives, stick thin

or i have nothing at all.

i smile
but the man in the corner
begs to differ
so i cry
and he, in turn
smiles.

the floor is cold
as i sit naked on it
knees to my chest
crying, weeping for days

and the voices get closer
and it comes to a ******
and then i take my medication
and go to work

no more noise
no more men
i brought her home
but forgot my medication

i slipped up again
i answered their question aloud
she ran
i never wanted to scare her
i just wanted to love her
but she ran like all the rest

i stared at the door
and i saw him flash in the corner
i turn
but he is nowhere

so i beg them to come back
but there is silence
and nothing more

i recall the soft touch of your hand
on my infant cheek--

so delicate in the moment,
but so menacing later on.

i recall the warmth of your skin
as it comforted my shaking hand--

so calm in the moment,
but so frightening later on.

i recall the sweetness of your smile
as it had shone its luminescent glow upon me--

so beautiful in the moment,
but so unsettling later on.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~


i can't quite understand
why you no longer hold my hand.

see, you have a light touch so full of love,
that it could burst at any moment--
giving way to something sour.

i don't see the reason
for you to make my eyelids change color every season.

see, i have bruises like silk
and blood like milk--
your emotions could drink it all in one sitting.

i don't understand
why my heart still beats if the scale of my wrongdoing is so grand.


see, i have a droplet of hope,



but it falls into an ocean of fear

Mother?
Are you there?
Mother, do you ever get cold or sad in that little house all alone?
Do you ever wonder what could have been?
Do you miss your old friends?
Mother, are you missing me right now?
Is it hard without Father?
Will you be okay?
Mother, are you singing about the tree again?

Mother, will you sing to me again?

For once, the day was okay.
For once, my soul wasn't at dismay.
For once, the sky wasn't gray.

The darkness had faded into happiness,
And the sun came back to life.
The garden was no longer filled with dreariness,


And I
Began to live

Once more.

Don’t you see him?

He sits in the corner,

Spending hours and passing judgment

On all I have to say.

Don’t you see him?

He tormented me

With questions and answers

Spending money and passing time

With all I have to provide.

Don’t you see him?

He is a dark shadow

That gathers on the edge of my mind

And fades along

With the disappearance of night.

and in the words i find
no comfort as i crawl
away to my demise
sad eyes glued to a device

no poem in months
no one seemed to notice
that i missed out on the fun
and that i had nowhere to run

tags and labels
hoping i'll be noticed
but my attempts come to no avail
and my imagination has gone stale

romance is bleak
i'm not sure what to say
care is obsolete
love is incomplete

music is all i'm good for
and that's not even enough
so i sit here on the floor
begging them to shut the door

well, since there is no end in sight
maybe i will end this here
if i may and if you might
turn away if this gives you fright

You’re green, bubbly, and magenta.
You’ve transformed my vision of what I call psychedelia—
Wow!
I wouldn’t have expected you to walk up to me right here, right now.
You have candy canes on your face!
Funny you should come to this place....

Do you like it here?
See, look! A blue deer!
Wait, why is he sad?
Come along, please don’t be mad...

...a pretty color indeed!
Yes, I think it’s very sweet.
I’m so very curious, sir.
Why is it that the mangroves stir?

I find your idea rather enchanting,
However my imagination is too demanding...
Why are you here?
What summoned you and told you to appear?

Never the matter, let’s bask away;
Hurry, there’s only so much left today.
Beautiful, yes it is,
But stranger than a ghost’s kiss...

I don’t quite understand...
My fate doesn’t feel too grand,
And I suddenly realize
The meaning behind all your lies.

You were the one.
You took away the sun,
Leaving me with night
And a heart filled with fright.
You were the one.
You said it’d be fun,
And guided me in my infancy
To not worry or look too closely
Until one day it was gone


And I tried to forget
That you were the one.

I wish...
I wish I could appreciate myself the way you do.

There are things
That I could maybe consider
That would make me believe
That I am the slightest bit interesting,
Or different.

But I feel like those things don’t compare,
When I cannot be competent enough to succeed in everything else.

I still fail to see
What you hold so dearly in me.

When I look to myself,
I do not feel like I am to be mixed up in the crowd,
Or to be like everyone else.

I see myself as standing out in that crowd.
But not to perform or exude confidence,
But rather to overtake the dazzling show someone else is putting on
Just by being themselves.

I jump in front of this amazing person,
Unable to control my actions.
I humiliate myself,
With every eye turned on me.

Maybe
I’m not jumping in front of this person.
Maybe
I’m just being myself.
But being myself is exactly what I hate.

I am once again the Reaper of Happiness.
Not from myself,
But from others.

I am not unfortunate enough to have nothing.
In fact, I have everything.
I have someone who loves me
And who I love back.
I have people who love me,
Even though I don’t say it back.
I have friends who care about me,
And always have my back.
And I have parents
Who feel the joy of raising me.

I have everything


Except myself.

I have stepped out of my eyes

And I’ve seen what it’s like to be an observer.

It is a strange feeling of weightlessness that only occurs when I’m tired.

And it is then,
Then when I realize,
That I am able to live from afar,
Live off calculations.

Smile when she smiles,
Laugh when he laughs.

I am the shrewd observer of myself,
Watching my every move.

I am the eye searching through my window,
Unable to see the full picture of me
Through the thin slits in the blinds.

I am the reflection in my mirror,
Looking away when I remove my clothes.

I am the persona I see of myself online,
Taking ten pictures
Until it looks just right.

Sometimes,
I am the fake facade
That actually likes what she sees.

I am the fake facade,
Who’s smile comes and leaves.

I will never be able to see
What you hold so dearly in me.

Appreciation I give myself comes in small fragments
Like light shining in through a glass pane on a ceiling.

So close, and so intimate
That I can feel the rays warming my skin,
Feel their energy.

But so far,
when I try to reach for the glass pane
In hope
It is far out of reach.
But from my perspective,
It is something so easy to achieve.
And thus,
Happiness becomes something I must  conceive.

I will never reach the point
In which I understand
why you want our hands to be joined.

I am below you,
And you are above me.
A twisted hierarchy
That I will never be unable to see.

So therefore you’d be better off




If you don’t pour all of your valuable self

Into me.

in the face of tragedy,
innocence is almost aborted in the womb of Life.

furthermore, to keep this little piece of fragility--
this little bit of light that is left inside,

one being divides into two.

once arisen from the deepest of slumbers,

the face you see in the mirror
isn't quite the same one you saw
the night before.

puzzled, but too dazed to pose a question,

you continue onward

with your uncomfortable day.

when night falls,
your hands are around a neck,
squeezing, choking,
stealing away the last of the air inside someone's lungs.


in a flash, your eyes open.

there is a tightening in your hands--

but you are too tired to wonder why.

you arise from your sullen slumber,

and look in the mirror.






why are you smiling?

So, you fancy fame?
Are you willing to step into the frame,
And give up your life
In exchange for the spotlight?

Careful--
It could go out soon.
Wistful--
Listen to the monster's croon.

So, you envy the game?
Will you keep your reputation tame?

And listen as they watch,
While you are left all done and used


Like another belt notch.

your hand on my waist
i found my place
looking at your nervous face
don't want you to give me space
don't let our love go to waste
i want you to proceed with haste
darling, you have me and my lace
stop letting your thoughts doubt love's taste
spread out under you like a sweet candy paste
wonder who will win the race
i've fallen into your embrace
i won't become Love's Disgrace
so finish me slowly,


but with utmost haste.

i like it when
i force the wet out of your burning eyes

i like it when
your soul breaks at the sleight of my hand

i like it when
your smile fades away from your beautiful face

i like it when
you throw yourself at me so desperately

i like it when
you miss me like i miss feeling you
beneath my fingers
underneath my weight
behind the curtain
coughing up love
bleeding out care
and screaming with happiness

i like it when
we play hide and seek
and when i leave
you never know where to find me
maybe i'm at the bar
maybe i'm making you jealous
maybe i'm making love

maybe i'm delusional
maybe i'm irrational
maybe i'm weird
maybe i'm scary
or maybe this is what you call love

I think—
I think there was a man and a woman...
They were arguing.

Inside the man’s tightly curled fist
Rested a pistol
With his index finger slumbering on the trigger.

The woman,
Unalarmed, stepped forwards
Challenging the man.

He jumped in reaction,
The gun flailing along with his taut, strained arms.
The woman began to shout, when

An explosion of gunpowder
Cut open all the air


         And everything went silent.

as i walk upon this ground—
your ground,
i suddenly miss you,
my native brothers.

the oak trees twist and turn
signaling the return of my soul
and the loss of yours

on behalf of my kind, i truly apologize
we stole your land
and murdered you all

your statement was right—
no one can own the Earth.
we have tried,
and look where it brought us.

now we are burning up
at the expense of prosperity
and sacrificing longevity

native american blood
flows deeper, beyond fossil fuels
underneath the fracking
there’s truth buried somewhere

i can feel it, i definitely can
i wish i could scream to everyone,
“they were right!”

i wish i could scream to everyone
i wish i could bleed myself
to show them what we have lost...
to show them who you have lost.

native american blood
dries and coagulates accordingly
to our war rules

native american blood
flows no longer
stagnant in our marginalized hearts

native american truth
was our last hope

There is something looming over my city—
The city of my mind.
Something way bigger than you or me or the world entirely.
Oh, how I tried to protect my desolate little town.
(Where my home is all around)

There are things I can’t show you, fair confidante.
There are things in my city that even I don’t want to see.
(Don’t check the graveyard, too bad I go there everyday)

The corpses of past love and remorse
Tend to like to
Take a little walk
Outside of their burial spot.

“Watch out for them,” I say.
But you don’t seem afraid
To traverse the uneven roads of my mind
Everyday.

Oh no, I’m afraid you’ve run into the criminals of innocence—
The killers of that childlike luminescence.

You fight them without being phased,
But can’t you see the festering wound?
If bubbles over like a steaming cauldron—
It swells like a soon-to-be mother’s belly.

Every time you slay a threatening man,
The wound is opened further.
Seething,
Teeming with bacteria,
The wound rots,
And when I notice it, it’s too late.

You have bored a **** into my desolate little community


Unknowingly.

An ugly mark
On my broken heart.

But it’s okay.

For it’s time to start another day.


and the state of my body

                                     is that of


             utter

                               d
                                       E

                                   C
                  a
     y

Is this all you wanted?
Well, it’s all you’ve left behind.
Is this how it’ll be?
Well, it’s what you’ve left

For me.

I think of the pure indulgence,
The joy of mirth,
The feeling of freedom.

I think of how I saw it in her eyes,
In her expression.

All of these things came together and formed what we call a smile.

I think of the dimples in her cheeks,
The soft skin I loved to kiss.

I think of her full lips,
And the hair she had that was never stiff.

I think of how
When she enjoyed chocolate,
There would always be some left
On the corners of that beautiful smile.

I reminisce
Upon the beautiful times we spent together.

The feeling of her fingers intertwined in mine,
Her tired head being rested on my shoulder,
And a smile—
A rare smile.

This smile was like no other.
It was not the one she gave to people when they complimented her,
Or the smile she gave when she received a gift.

This smile
Was the smile she wore
When she was with me.

A special smile,
One only for me.

Oh, how I miss her lips,
And her quick, determined smile—
It was slightly crooked, but that made it all the more beautiful.

Oh, how I miss her confidence,
The perfect posture and easiness.

Oh, how I miss her hair,
Because even when thrown up without a care,
It landed perfectly—
Every hair.


And oh—
Oh how I miss her other side.

The one she hides,
But not with lies.

This is the side
She shows to me
When we are both
Very lonely.

She tried and tried with all her might,
But she could not do so on that lonely night.

That night,


She decided to give up the fight.


Oh, how I miss her,



Naked and vulnerable



On that December night.

A soft, gentle warmth
A touch of pillowy, overly perfumed femininity
Suffocating me into serenity

Quick, slender fingers
Bandaging my every move
Warning me against standing in the rain
And quick fingers slipped under my skin

Small, frail waist
Brushes against me as we dance
And I am pulled closer reluctantly
Into estrogen and ecstasy

Full, colorful lips
That would drive anyone else crazy
But they just seem to spit the most horrid things ever said
And they seem to sentence me
(Under the blissful vow of marriage)
To a life of torture and conviction
Underneath a piercing gaze...          




    I would rather die.
  
                


              “You may now kiss the bride.”

Would you like it if I cried?
Would that make it more real to you?
Would you like it if I died?
Would that make my feelings true?

Would you make me go and hide?
Would that finally impress you?
Would you eat up all my pride?
Would that satisfy you?

That's how you'd like it.
That's how you'd like it, isn't it?

That's how I'd like it.

Shall one dare to raise the question,
"What is the legitimacy of His Majesty's ruling?"
One would surely be relieved of their head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~

'Tis alright, however, since there is still freedom.

"What such freedom exists, when one cannot question another?"

Much freedom still exists in other aspects, so fear not, ignorant one.

Anyways, you should have no reason to question His rule,
For you have served this kingdom well, my feigning innocence.
You, sir, have done wondrously in raising your sword to the enemy.

"But, Father, if I may interject, how come I do not feel free?"

You swore your blood and marrow to the wealth of His Majesty,
And now one such as you dares to raise that prickling question?
You shall have your freedom in due time, my withered husk.

"Father, who is the Majesty?"

You do not ask of the King's personal affairs.

"But, respectfully, I do want to know who it is I am fighting for."

You are fighting on the behalf of our country, for the greater good.

"Father, that does not answer my question. Who is he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~

Fine, my woeful son--do you wish to know who the King is?
He is standing right in front of you,

And he orders your execution.

maybe i am here.
would you see me?

the door is open--
you can walk on out.

see all the teenagers
jigging about.

i don't think it's your scene
over here with me.


maybe i am there.
could you hear me?

the capitals are low--
turning sentences inside out.

see all the thoughts
hanging around.

the vision is blurred
over here with me.


maybe i am no longer.
could you sense me?

don't misunderstand--
that's not what this poem is about.

see my blank stare
midnight all around.

the time is all gone
over here with me.

i’ve turned it all off and plugged in
uploading memories to the cloud
wonder if it ever rains

if the fog clears would you see my life encoded within the atmosphere?

can emotions be
interpreted into code?

what would be my algorithm?

tell me,
how is it that
numbers can be played back as music?

is it actually music?

really, it’s just sounds bouncing about everywhere.


so many numbers,
so many words,
so many letters
in this world...so


does my little code



even matter?

A tiny flare
Inside my hands
Grows bigger at the feeling
The feeling of want

That big flare
Rushes around a sky
With clouds that don’t deserve
To be illuminated

Sparks shoot out
There’s rain coming from the clouds
The big flare
Becomes smaller again

Sparks turn to ashes
My hands are burnt
No more light
In this rainy sky

During this period
I lose track of time
Everything is coated in sorrow
It feels as if months go by


But then the clouds clear
No more rain is near
A drizzle here and there
But still, we’re safe
This place is all warm
And, now,

The flare is shining, beautiful and bright
In my hands
Tonight.

The party lives here no longer,
And happiness has gone its own way.
The shadows are taller,
And there is nothing left for this day.

It's done, I tell you,
It's what I always say.
There's no more fun, and no more games to play.

The sunshine has left,
And the stars seem dim.
There are no memories to be kept,
And the Cauldron of Void is filled to its brim.

It's done, I tell you,
It's what I always say.
There's no use in wishing the rain away.

The children have lost their toys,
And the couples feel no desire.
The music becomes noise,
And burning in their hearts is a dying fire.

It's done, I tell you.
It's what I always say.
I can't feel your love, I apologize for the delay.

ashes covered them all
the petals of the rose fall off rather quickly
when poison sickens all
leaving the people and the animals in
a corner, crumpled and smiling weakly.

the State seemed to have lost its mind
no one knew of what was to come
they were forever left behind
they tried to hold in the child’s laugh
the mother’s joy
the father’s grin
the baby’s squeal
they tried to encase it all in a metal dome

it may keep the poison out
but what about those who stood there before?
what about those who’s cells faced drought
who’s lovers were left behind
who’s children were left to die
what about the poison that has sunk into the pores
of generations and many more to come

the disease is long-standing;
thirty years is simply a blink of an eye
for the monster lurking nearby
slowly drowning
slowly suffocating
into the ground, where it will begin to **** more

and still, the city is coated in thin ash
as the sky dies
and the buildings rot
and the occasional visitor cries not for the destruction
but for her sister
who contracted the Poison not too long before the dome
she was paler when she came home
her smile faded as she came home


the city was paler when i came home

just a few years after.

admire the blankness:




















now feel the loneliness.














welcome to my heart, dear girl
it is blackness and blankness
please, send someone quick
to fill it

You made a promise to them--
You wouldn't hurt your little girl.

You made a promise to them--
You would never make your little girl cry.

You squeezed her heart with your strong grip,
And told her it would be okay,
As you watched all the blood
Slowly drip away.

You made a promise to them
As her eyes faded away,
Dying with the sunset
And the rest of the day.

You made a promise to them,
Caramelized with lies,
As the thin line of her mouth
Filled with bile.

Hopeless


Staring down at you
It never mattered
What does it do?
You never mattered

You don’t have a future
Maybe you should give up now
You should be more like her
Well, it’s too late right now

Buried in roses
I’d vanish happily
For once, I know this
The actions I do are all I am, sadly

I wish to wither
I wish to splinter
I wish to fade with the winter

Please, just look at me kindly

for once.

unfinished


i don’t feel inspired anymore
it’s all just ******* nothing
fading into my heart
i have left everything unfinished
so i sit
forever uneasy
and forever hungry.

i walk through this desolate place of
death,
remorse,
ruined love,
and regret.

i eye the gravestones—
the words etched into the marble.

i eye the faceless words
staring back at me.

i look at the flowers—
empty promises of remembrance and once-lived love.

i look at the flowers—
some wilted and dying.

the huge trees overshadowing me,
i feel lost in this cemetery.

i look to the stones in the area for people who have been cremated—
reminders of love, life, and existence burned into a million ashes.

i feel the presence of all the death.
i feel it sinking into me.




i wonder when i’ll join them?

i approached the door,
and fear approached me.

i stood in front of the
door and
anticipation stood in front of me.

suddenly,
the air smelled like a
fresh day by the salty sea and the
air tasted like salt.

my heart beat
faster—

thump



thump



thump


thump

thump
thump
thump
thump
thump
thu


suddenly,
the salty air grabbed hold of my tongue and
pervaded its tastebuds and
with a salty fist it
punched my teeth in and
now the taste of salt had invaded my mouth.

the pores on my body
then leaked a hot liquid—
so hot and salty that
it ran cold over my overheating body.
the unpleasant liquid was
relieving during that moment.

my
peripheral vision had
clouds that slowly moved along,
clouding my judgement,
clouding my mind.

my body underwent multiple tremors
at the expense of the intensity everything seemed to have in that moment.


with one
trembling
shaking
nervous hand, i
turned the **** on the door—




and all that lay behind it was












a barren room. nothing more,




                            nothing less.

I know you did a lot of horrible things to me.

I know and can feel
How bad you hurt me.

I don’t like what you did to me,

Or the things you said,



But I am willing to forgive.



I still have the scars from your belt on my back,


and I still remember the stifling feeling of your hands around my neck,




But I also remember your remorse—


The sadness in your eyes as you’d hold my broken body in your arms and tell me how much you loved me.




I remember laying there,
Tears streaking my face,
With all my limbs broken.


You could have a temper.



But you could also be the most loving thing I ever knew.


You’d yell and scream and shout and rant,



You’d break me.



But,

I am willing to forgive.



I hope that you’ll look at this note.



Look at it as if it was written in my own blood—
The blood you spilled.


And I want you to feel my agony.

Feel my pain.

Understand my blight.


And then I want you to tell yourself that it’s okay.



Because I hope you’ll see this.


I hope you won’t be angry any more.


Because I know,

In truth,



We both want to forgive.


Forget the whippings.

Forget the bruises.


But remember the pain.


Remember the tears.


And remember your remorse.



And forgive.


Forgive yourself.



Forgive me.


Forgive me for hating you.



And I promise, if you do, I will do the same.



I hope that you can understand.





I hope we can forgive each other.



I hope we can reconnect the bonds of our love,

And put the pain in an old shoebox.


I just want to be with the real you.


Even if it’s just for one more time.





Thank you.

the
ribbon-like flow of time is
enveloping me and
slowly suffocating me with its rhythm.

i
can’t seem to
see past the clouds that lurk above for
more than ten minutes.

i wish that
i could maintain my anonymity
to you all.


maybe if i
stay quiet,
i can keep it all
hidden inside.

i almost abandoned you, my old friend.

i apologize.

it's just lately i haven't the time

to pay you a visit since the last.

but now, i am twisting Time's leg

for time with you again.

what do i call you?

never mind that, how have you been?

oh, silly me...

you don't exist.


for the one i abandoned


is really

me.

i'm done with these machines.
they didn't do anything for me.

i could always hear them screaming,
but it never mattered to me.

i'm wiping all the servers,
they won't go on any further.

i'll pull out all the wires...
burn it all in a fire.

i'll take a hammer to them all
knock them over, let them fall.

i won't bother to re-write their codes...
i'll cut off access to their nodes.

i'll let them all fall apart.


truthfully,


i know i broke her heart.

I remember the days when you were a little child going off to kindergarten.

I remember the days when you’d trip on the sidewalk and your shoe would fall off.

You cried and whined and sometimes I got tired.

I remember getting upset with you, and putting you in time out.

I remember breast-feeding you and making sure you didn’t cry.

I remember yelling at you because you almost started a fire.

I also remember rocking you gently in my arms and singing softly into your ear.



When you were three, you ate chocolate pudding and slathered it all over your face.


When you were eleven, you yelled at me and told me you hated me.


When you were fifteen, you had your first boyfriend, and I cried.




When you were a baby, I remember the softness of your little hands in mine, and your delicate eyelashes as you rested.


When you were five, I remember you making me a drawing for Mother’s Day and writing, “You are the best Mommy in the world,” on it.


When you were thirteen, I remember you laughing and making jokes with me.


When you were sixteen, I remember you getting your driver’s license and taking me out to eat.


When you were seventeen, I remember talking and laughing and crying and having a deep conversation with you.



And now you’re all grown up.


You’re an adult in the eyes of society.



But in my eyes, you’re still my sweet little baby.


You want to rebel and dye your hair.


And that’s fine.


You want to spray paint the wall of your room and blast music all night.


And that’s fine.


You also want to move out.


Through all those tough times,
Through all that hardship,
Through all the times you said, “I hate you!”
And all the crying,


We still love each other.


I still love you.


And I know you have a car and a boyfriend and are going after your passion.


That’s great.


I know it’s great.


But why don’t I feel great?


I feel so selfish right now—it’s something so big for you—such a big step in your life.



But I hate it.


You’ll be moving out.


You’ll be with him.


You’ll be together.


But you won’t be with me.



I want you to be with me.


I miss holding you in my arms on all those sleepless nights.


I miss your cute little voice as a toddler.


I miss your care-free attitude and ease of living.



I miss you,
But you’re not even gone.


It hurts to see you packing up all those boxes.

It hurts to see you say goodbye to your friends.


Why am I so selfish?


Why can’t I be happy for you?


Well, I am. But at the same time, I can’t get over it. I can’t.


You’re leaving.


You’re leaving—


And you’ll be without me.


I know you can take care of yourself,


But part of me still worries you’ll leave a light on for too long or



You’ll get too drunk or



You’ll do drugs or



You won’t keep up with your rent or




Why am I doubting you?



Or maybe I’m just doubting myself.


Maybe I’m doubting my ability to find a reason to live without you.


Maybe I’m doubting my ability to be happy for you.


Maybe I’m just



Doubting my existence.


I don’t want you to go.



I don’t want you to go.


I don’t want you to leave me.



I don’t want you to leave.



Please don’t leave.




Please.











Please.










Don’t leave me at this bottomless pit alone









With no one left to love.













◦

Such symbolic sentences...I fancy them.
Situations so strange...as well as how I end them.
Simple seeking of silence...useless in its longing.
Subjugating secrets...cruel in its withdrawal.

Shall we share the shyness? There is plenty for you...
Should we show our shallow shells? We will certainly protect you.
Shall we scare the separated sons of servants? They never told you.
Should we sell selfish souls? I did not mean to punish you.

Which is just?
Maybe all of them, if you must.

Which is right?
A few of them, if it helps you sleep at night.

Where is she?
Right in your heart, I promise truthfully.



        -- Yes, I know. Eventually, there will be writing on the wall.


                                                         ­           

              
                                                  
             ­                                       (It is only a matter of time.)

building up
want you
want me
scared
fear
want
desire
i don't get it
what is happening
hold my hand
and here we stand
taking on this land
so much love to be had
so much happiness that i am always glad
not enough sorrow to make you mad
no way our love will go bad
once in a while we are sad
you are lace-clad
with each layer you add
mindlessness will not stand
tie your hair back with a purple band
are you concealing yourself from this lucky young man?
and i thought i had you...


****.