Sometimes my chest starts to hurt like a car is crushing me, choking the life out of my fragile body, and running me over and over and over again and again and again

And sometimes my hands start to shake like I’m old and can’t control my body and I can’t control it and I can’t stop and it just keeps going and going and going and going over and over and over again and again and again

And my head starts to spin and I think to myself “I’m dying” and I look around and see people talking but I can’t hear a thing and I can’t catch my breath and I can’t breathe and I gasp and I can’t breathe and I can’t catch my breath and I gasp and I think to myself “I’m dying”

And as I stand there with my chest hurting and my hands shaking and my head spinning and as I think I’m dying I start to hear over the commotion in my brain and I make out from all the noise someone saying “everything is going to be ok”

And all of a sudden I take a deep breath and as I breathe in a little bit of peace, I breathe out all of the tension and fog and mess and the repetition and the cycle of hell that my body just experienced

And I realize

Everything might be ok

And after a few moments

I can breathe again

And after a few moments, I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand up

And after a few moments

I’m ok

I'm bruised but I'm alright
cut and bleeding but still in the fight
I'm needing a reason ~ maybe a few
to get through this season
on to something new

We're halfway through the year that wasn't supposed to come
Halfway through the fear
I won't succumb to it
The tears I've become numb to drip down my hard face
A scarred ankle ~ the place I ran back to when I thought He ran out of grace for me

It left residue on these two hands
so much that you won't shake them
you won't grab them when these hands are reaching out
You're scared these ***** hands might infect you
these two hands
they're bruised from the anger
scarred from the anxiety
& sticky from the memories he left
these hands are worn
exhausted
& weary
looking for rest
so when they reach out
these hands, this heart- they're in distress
and even though these hands are sticky
I am not asking you to clean them
Just hold them
make them feel seen
cuz there's residue now
but one day these two hands will be clean

How do I accept a gift I don't deserve?
How do I accept a pardon I never earned?
With scarred hands, I reach out to the One whose pierced hands healed me
My hard heart is replaced with one that longs for Him, and I kneel before my Creator as He reveals Himself to me
I am sealed with a promise
The Spirit stamps me
and I know
that I am His

We were created to be free
but it came at the highest price

It’s funny how forgiveness works
Making you think it’s giving them permission to hurt you over and over again
When really
It’s giving yourself permission
To move on

If the night is long
Look up at the stars
If the night is lonely
Look around in the dark
& start to realize you don't belong here
You're not alone here
The dark is not your home
So don't settle down here
You will be found here
You're not alone here
If pain is here
Your Savior's near
Knowing the whole story, he walked into the dark
yet made it out
Knowing your heart was full of doubt, shame, and self-inflicted pain,
He still went through with the plan to forgive
So I can live beyond the grave
There is life beyond the grave holding my plans, future, & sense of control
This night is long
But I'm not out here on my own
I'm not out here alone
Though darkness seems like home
I'M NOT OUT HERE ALONE

Even if your world is falling apart
I hope you take care of that precious heart
Feed it truth
Feed it love
Feed it forgiveness
When the season is over, look back and see
In all this illness
There was growth
In all this sickness
There was hope
For one day, you will see again
One day you will breathe again
And one day we will meet again

It’s not supposed to be this way,
but that never stopped anybody.
-words of the victim