every now & then
i can’t explain why
i feel like reaching out
to someone i’ve outgrown.
throughout the years
i never thought to see you again
as i lay under the stars
the moon shines a special light onto me
for once in my life
everything looks and feels clear
your face paces back & forth in the back of my mind
but i toss it to the side
what we could...
could not.
get lost in the thought of you
wxnderlust

When upset, it’s relieving to hear the voices in my head,
The whispers guide my deranged mind to the intentions of never fixing situations,
Instead, it takes me to the land of make believe,
Where I live and continue to repeat,
The cycle of excuses to conceal the history of reality.
Battle wounds and scars pierce right through me,
Viewing the ghost within,
I keep my distance from those attempting to come in.
Time and patience will help me heal from the internal pain they say,
However, I confide in ghosting, while disregarding the feeling of void in my heart.
I remain blind to the difference of things,
Self expression, communication and social integrity make it difficult for me to see,
The truth in where liars lie.
But still, I persist,
Despite the fact that in all forms of reality, I’m struggling.
I attempt to pretend like life is going good and my mentality is okay,
This guilt only allows my body to relapse yet again.
Unintentionally and subconsciously, I’m hurting,
The people who “care” for me.
Instantaneously, the late hours control my eyes to remain wide awake,
Oftentimes, I go numb enough to not speak,
I stray away from the support team behind me,
In order to, stay away from the demon externally taking a hold of me.
Soul is too open to close,
Bones and touch are too cold to take,
It’s true, our ends were never meant to mend,
Due to my expectations of plans never set in place.

To be blessed ,
favored and protected by the environment,
selected and isolated from your social groupings,
To be blessed is to synthesize what truly has meaning in life and self-meditate with the sake of life’s pace.
Before falling asleep, resting, force the mental to remain awake,
processing and breaking apart the information given today,
despite the fact that time wasn’t kind, brief or even prolonged; make it the moral commitment to self-reflect.
Make a correction if your answer is wrong; the fabrication of a scripture,
Make sure, for certain, that all the totaled scores calculate to a certain percentage,
Affirmed, scolded or ruled by another to convey your defined truth as inaccurate, almost there or rarely ample.
Time is allotted, effortless and to be taught a lesson is a blessing,
Space is limited, given and to be bestowed the gift of building is the set up version of a lesson, a shell of a blessing.

My night plans appear restless,
The feeling of independence,
It ***** to hear,
Having the people who claim they’ll always be there for you, not prove their worth to you
It hurts, it makes you feel bad.
But, your feelings don’t matter to that person anymore, or do they?
You’re questioning the thought of “I’ll be there for you and you’ll be there for me”,
When in all reality,
That person is living their life perfectly,
Living freely, to the point where it feels like did they ever need me,
Did they ever see me?
So many things I want to take back,
Like the time I wasted on somebody,
The way I felt about people who never cared,
Who never wanted to be there,
People can say things you’d think mean,
But in all efforts, in all reality, those words they speak,
Mean nothing, yeah nothing to me.
Tired of rubbing my eyes,
Feeling like both my eyes are coming out of its sockets,
It’s something real to feel when you can’t sleep like you used to.
When your late night thoughts consume you day by day,
As if things will never change, circumstances will never be the same.
And that’s how we all move on in life,
We’ll meet people who are all talk, won’t prove to be anything,
Then, we’ll meet those who’ll show us different, their presence will feel like no other,
Talk to them for hours without noticing a pause,
No time for breaks, you and they have things settled for life.
And believe me when I say that feeling will feel amazing,
Reflecting back on life, smiling so happily,
So effortlessly,
Have you sit back and wonder how the hell did this happen?
You may think twice about it, laugh when you hear about it the second time,
But it’s true, you’ll find someone who has been fighting for you.
No more sighs or tries,
You won’t have to mend any of that nonsense,
Build no stress upon yourself.
You’ll feel when that person feels for you,
You’ll know what to do,
It’ll come naturally like you’ve been waiting too,
Sitting impatient,
Praying as you should be,
Seeking reassurance to the person above, them responding with the person meant for me.

The place where the atmosphere consists of main outbreaks,
Whether the dishes weren't done or the floors weren't mopped correctly,
Something so small can effect the gross unification of "family".
Feeling like you can't necessarily express yourself,
Leaves you to feel drowned out by the many emotions that flood your mind at the worst of times,
It allows your feelings to grow more and more profoundly erratic; anxious.
Allow me to go into full elaboration as to how I constantly maintain my well-respected position of a so called "good person" or complain about the many people who are just as careless as the majority of people nowadays who simply do not ask how I've been.
I've let days slip by,
Suddenly, I feel no difference in what occurred yesterday or really, no contrast in the feelings I'll most likely encounter tomorrow.
At home, mass mental destructions happens,
It's where I get pulled into a place where I'm just trapped in my own self, similar to the way I feel in school.
I don't know, it could possibly be causing my continuous feelings of nervousness whenever I'm surrounded by people,
Or it could merely be the fact of which, I haven't yet chosen a path or seen quite a way to go through and feel a protective environment around me.
These winter days are gradually approaching,
It's only a matter of time until my mind goes away like the sun at night,
These seconds, minutes, hours can patrol for what feels like perennial timings, but anticipation is what's really foreshadowing my shallow whole of a "home".

Miserable and unmotivated,
Mood swings from time to time,
Lying, it has evolved daily.
I can’t control myself the same way anymore,
I’m discovering a new side to myself,
I proclaim that space is what will cure this pain,
However, that’s not the claim.
That unfamiliar side that remains,
Is the one that nobody seems to understand,
They’re getting tired of me;
Bored.
I wish I could reach out,
Nah, I’d probably just freak them, like hell.
I call them friends,
Nowadays,
They’re merely as important to me.
Quick judgments, slow reaction times,
If they ever need assistance,
I’m always available.
If the tables turn, role switches,
I’d be let down,
Yet again.
The irony resides here,
Trust within myself no longer exists,
Entirety has been reduced to half of a whole,
I’m a worthless piece of —
So sick of being misused,
Treated differently, and most importantly,
Never fully acknowledged of.
You notice my presence when you want,
Not when you can.
Your effort is only being wasted,
Referencing me as a “friend”,
Just an acquaintance,
Actually, a stone cold stranger that wants nothing to do with anyone or anything.

what gets you through
will always pull you out
no matter how hard
it feels
what gets you through
will always pave a way
for you
what gets you through
will always be there
for you
for what you feel
and for what you are.

don’t know what you call this,
it’s labeled a whatever thing.
you’re leading me,
to inconsistency.
tired of your mystery,
this isn’t suppose to be a puzzle piece,
can’t you see that i’m falling apart without you?
call it emotional dependence,
but if you cared just as you say you do,
you’d prove who and what you are,
instead of eluding to the truth.
burning through these possibilities,
how about you,
light a match, and,
guide us to the direction of nevermeanttobe.
do I have to remind you again?
how to act,
and listen.
just listen,
you make me feel like i’m high above,
the clouds of doubt that fill your mind at the worst of night,
causing me to lose track of time.
when it’s time to go,
we pack our bags,
forget to say goodbye.
if you were truly what i gained,
you wouldn’t mind tiring or lying to me.
i’ll accept it for what it is,
cause you’ll reminisce,
leave me to guess,
then wrap me all up in your head;
not as a present,
but to mark the esssence of having the nerve to speak to me.
i shouldn’t have to open the door,
place the keys on your front lawn,
just to see you move on from me again.
advice runs around my mind,
telling me things that i do not like,
how you like to lick your lips,
to marinate a thousand more lies and excuses,
feeling unashamed and inveterate every time.
shamelessly you make me yours and I make you mine;
oh, i don’t know what to call this.
memories of you and me,
raid through these homemade remedies,
for once and for all, trying to forget you;
for the love of Christ, why do I feel inclined to you?
you’ll call me once,
or maybe twice,
and i’ll pick up,
just to hear you cry, and whine,
about the things you can’t achieve in life.
because this life is like a marathon to you,
don’t race along when you feel rushed,
you’ll just forget to pace yourself.
my innocence is wearing thin,
you’re wearing me all across her chest,
and neck,
tell me you’re numb and can’t go through it again,
don’t feel nothing.
i’ll convince myself that you are here,
that you are here to hear what i feel is true and finally listen.
as the days go by,
i allow time to slip through fingertips,
time after time,
you make me out to be the biggest fool.
when i brag about you to them,
they suggest i don’t get too fond of you,
nevertheless, i’ll drift and float to dizziness;
disregard the past conversation,
while actively pursuing to revitalize the old one again.
these perpexlexing parts are hard to find,
i look around, note one to none,
and none to suffice;
there it goes, so i, lose track of you.

i just miss the way we used to speak,
sitting on your fire escape,
we vented our little hearts away,
figuring out a way out of the destruction we faced.
the hardships we endured weren’t just,
we were too young to experience those things.
so they’d tell us, but hey, remember when i used to sleepover your place?
despite needing space, you used to tell me anyway that I was your safe place.
it was as if we represented our own homes,
not reflecting it, just avoiding the conflict,
all we knew at the time was feeling like we belonged.
all along, i wanted someone to lean on when the obstacles grew too difficult to face.
when i found you,
i learned just how that felt.
now, we’re growing old,
connection is wearing thin,
but i’m still thinking of you to maintain faith.
you help me through things i can’t make out,
and for that, i’m forever grateful to have you,
to have had that one special connection.
days are passing by,
time is ticking, and it feels longer without you here with me.
you moved away four years ago,
but it feels like i lost track of where that person I’ve known my whole life went.
distance could be the reason for our connection not being the same,
but, the harder i try to remember the reason why,
the more pain it brings.
these tears I cry out are temporary calls for help through times I need you here with me to stay.
hopefully one day, our days will come back to us as they should,
we will reunite and rekindle our once special connection,
making each other feel like nothing has changed.
in the mean time, i can replay the memories we’ve made,
with you by my side reminds me of the feeling of getting through anything.
because you were my safe place, the one I depended on when people pushed me away when I had nowhere else to go.
when i cry at night,
the thought of you next to me bring the tears I cry to water for the trees, and those cries turn to sounds of peace,
you are my safe place.

Another day, another moment passed,
It feels like time has taken away the connection between me and everyone else,
I feel what it’s like to be disconnected from those closest to you and distance from those I never once doubted to be next to me for the worst of times.
I have no one to call when trouble starts,
I lost the closest people to me, due to my pride and self worth,
Giving up those who were deemed trustworthy because I actually thought, contemplated and realized that loving myself is all that’s worth.
Told myself never again,
Reaching out to the voices in my head,
Everything is just scrambled now,
Situations and certain things can grow to ruins in a matter of a couple seconds.
Time has effortlessly proved to me the true colors that reside underneath the personalities of people, associates,
Even family members, those never underestimated can still indicate actions of opposition,
I was shown that at a young age and even now; a connection, yet a reflection.

All I can recall from my hectic childhood was a very early memory that played in my mind like a dilapidated recording tape,
Scenes flashed before my eyes, capturing my imagination as an entirety,
Lights passed by so quickly, I couldn't even keep track of what I was picturing.
It was as if a small portion of myself separated and I was tremendously taken into a dreamlike dimension,
This frightening cycle of not being able to differentiate between actuality and fantasy grew overwhelmingly rapid like the constant flood of blood running through my veins;
My attempt to wake you was so regrettably disregarded,
So control took the lead role over my body and simultaneously woke me from my hasty rest.

I listen to the endless cries of cats at night
Lonely and helpless,
Abandoned and forgotten
Living in a narrow, deserted alleyway.
I’ve left cans of food for them,
But that’s not what they want
They want love
To feel protected and sheltered
By the sheer warmth of compassion
Some may want to be reunited with their mothers
Or from their owners’.
No matter how many times these poor animals were left out in the cold
Or met with the scorching rays of the sun
We’ve neglected them to the point where
Anything better than what they have right now will suffice.
The next time I hear their cries
I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt
Part of me wants to take every one of them out of their miserable lives
But some of these cats had lives
Some of us overlooked that
Walked right pass a cat that belonged to someone who didn’t want them anymore
Threw them out like the piles of trash
In the alleyway.

I'm not what you wanted,
Not what you need,
And I guess I could carry on and say it's okay,
But in reality, I keep drifting away.
You're tearing me apart,
Ripping my skin from the inside out;
I'm still stuck on an excuse to compensate for lost time.
I always knew you were never meant for me,
Maybe fate guided us, but your intentions were made clear otherwise.
I wasn't prepared for a route to shift and create an unexpected turn,
I just wanted someone to stick by my side, to remain loyal and wholesome,
But I guess that was far too much to ask for.
Given our current circumstance,
I probably should've never expressed myself to you,
Too blind to even consider the sight of unpredictability;
The fact that anything can go any other way at any given moment.
I made myself see what I so desperately craved in another; love
Now that I think of it,
I should've never doubted my gut when it indicated that my ends couldn't tie to yours.

Year one - in love with the thought of you
Year two - in love with the thought of you
Year three - in love with the thought of you
Year four - realizing my worth and getting the hell out of my head
It’s been a leap year
It’s been high school
Four years have passed us by
Or should I say, have passed me by?
A jump from beginning to end
Our connection is so severed
I’m drowned out
By stormy seas
Where I feel fossilized, completely and utterly oblivious to the progression of time.
Why did it take me so long to get over you?
Was I too scared to be alone?
Was I always alone?
Why can’t I talk to you the way I used to?
What excites you about him?
I have millions of burning questions
That light fires of why inside my head
Why me?
Why him?
Why not us?
Four years have passed me by
Now it’s all up to what’s next
What I make of
The next four years
Without you
In it.

i want to run away from here,
i’m unwanted and viewed as eternal emptiness.
i knew it in my heart that I should’ve never cared,
Because the reason for our fall always ends here.
For thinking you were the one,
For once,
I am wrong.
Overthinking too much,
I assume where we went lost.
Took too long to reply,
My heart is shriveled up and dead, and I can no longer move along.
Just a look in your eyes,
Brings memories to my mind,
I love you so much.
I wish that I could remove the flaws hidden behind us,
A trail of unrequited love.
From afar, I see that your footprints cross my heart,
Too much to bear, I sit and stare at the clock.
Too numb to feel something that felt so real,
Maybe you weren’t the one to heal,
You were just a temporary deal,
Just like everyone else.
I could’ve been yours,
Our perspectives are too **** drawn,
Can’t you see?
We’re falling apart,
pretending to be something we’re not.
We’re nothing at all, I understand...
I wish that we could’ve lasted forever,
Instead, you abused the pact and treated me as whenever,
Oh, I just wanted you all to myself.
Reassurance and security,
Both things that met when I was with you.
Call me a selfish girl,
A cruel fool,
But my emotions will inevitably choose you.
I will miss you my dear,
But, you were the cause of our downfall.
Running away from my problems again,
goodbye my friend.

For being a brave, courageous soul,
In society’s eyes, your worth becomes devalued,
By the players that act like they know me,
Pretend and put on a show for everyone to see,
That he or she “cares”, “treats”, and “loves” me.
How could you be so careless with your decision-making,
Tell me why I told you a couple days ago,
We aren’t supposed to be on speaking terms at the moment,
Yet, that won’t stop my finger from sliding left and accepting your phone call request,
Very specific, detailed and to the point,
I’m going to remain frank and show you the truth.
I know you’re used to meddling with good people’s hearts,
But, that won’t stop you from proceeding,
Eventually, you’ll quit pursuing the person who’s distant.
Why is the question you may ask,
But the real inquiry here is why must you persist, to commit , to think for even a second that person gives?
Meanwhile, they’re taking you for granted and pushing you to the curb,
Always distant, cold like the winter breeze,
Remaining too friendly with the people they claim to be the “homies”,
We both know what’s real,
Fate tells we weren’t meant to be,
Instead of living in the moment,
We pictured it.
Never did the things we’d always say we would,
Never achieved what was dreamed of with you and me.
Not to be seen as a negative, narccistic person,
But wanting to be understand to the fullest extent,
Even when we’re faced with the greatest doubts,
We’ll stay oblivious to the obvious things.

it’s hard,
finding words that best describe
how to feel
how to tell.
nobody understands,
i talk in complicated ways,
making it hard for you to grasp onto me.
maybe it is the words i use
or perhaps, the words you’re unfamiliar with,
call me out for being out of context,
but the content i create communicates sense to me.
i tremble at the sight of people talking around me,
troubles me because everyone and everything i know has remained close to speaking ever so carelessly and loosely about me.
at this point, they receive pleasure from laughing, mocking and “getting” me,
they lie and reflect bitterness
is it jealousy or envy?
quick assumptions or savvy?
call me stupid, useless, or any other unnecessary comment that seems to compliment your currency,
but extraordinary is more suitable a trait,
than the look of disgrace placed on your face whenever your eyes meet mine.

What you give me is what I receive,
The feelings overloading and essentially controlling me are forcing the inner version of myself to ignore thee,
Block off anyone who interferes with my life in the smallest of ways.
Stress is enough,
I can no longer think straight.
Consistently titling to both ends of our path,
I thought the starting would lead us somewhere beyond the fan stays of great,
But I was kicked and left in the dust with the others,
The prophecy unveiled itself,
I was right since the beginning, but my witless gut remained oblivious to my emotionally unstable self and instead stayed behind with the real you.
I grew attached to you, thinking everything for once would finally accumulate into one enjoyable entirety,
But you shattered me both internally and externally,
Now all I can focus on is how to fix these pieces back together.
Before I loose touch upon myself once more,
I ask anyone for forgiveness, begging on my knees for all to please.
I wish to give the little portion of my purity and happiness to you, now, am I considered the wrong and careless one?
Or are you, the heartless form of me?

even the greatest fall weak sometimes,
sometimes, people forget to realize,
maybe those certain things didn't occur because they simply weren't made to happen,
Or at least that's what we've obtained periodically.
Thinking and trusting that things just happen for a reason,
Can't possibly compensate or supplant for a lucid explanation as to why situations maintain escalation.
Still wondering why?
Well, I too ponder sometimes.
Even to a fulfilled extent,
It's merely another attempt to feel something yet again.
No reminders or play back buttons to reverse or change time,
Sometimes, we all forget how to embrace the superficial reality of facing the feeling of what it truly makes us feel alive.

Unnoticed:
So I guess how everything else begins,
Here goes yet another redundant fable,
One that simply goes by a written label,
One is young and feels the need to experience something unforgettable,
But what one forgets is how quickly they lost track in the direction of where they fell.
Only the wisest succeed and the feeble-minded fall weak,
Small conversations exchange,
But no memory or recollection of what was mentioned or said,
See, life moves on too fast when you're struck with no point of vulnerability.
At least I attempted some sort of way to appear more brightly to you,
But your intentions grew terse and straight to the point.
I get it, yeah I guess you can call me a person who goes unnoticed,
The one that falls behind when having no control over their own emotions,
And don't you dare forget the one who is almost always hopeless,
That specific person feels as if there's no care in the atmosphere,
The environment surrounding them is certainly unsettling,
Nothing is better than just observing.

I feel a tear drop on my hand, next to yours.
I'm sorry for what you feel, wish I could heal your pain.
At first, I didn't experience any sadness, nor thoughts came to mind, but then I realized,
Something had not been right all this time,
Something felt off, like you've changed.
I guess overthinking gets you out your head,
Cause' my memory was shot out of my mind when you told me she's dead.
Looking into your eyes from afar, they got all teary and filled.
My heart fell out my chest, prayers laced in my brain,
My arms were drawn low to the ground, legs tied in a knot.
I knew that you were feeling some sort of way,
and I apologize for all the change,
Everything will heal in time, it's all going to be okay I say for constant reassurance,
But, you covered your face,
Cried endlessly, tears splattered on the sleeves of your arms,
Holding your head tightly and gradually bringing it down,
Moving your body from side to side.
Through the blurry vision of mine, I let out a loud sigh.
There's a lump in my throat that I cannot control and out the corners of my eyes, I noticed your glare.
I'll leave you be my fellow friend, just know
I felt your hurt too when you expressed every detail that slipped from your mouth.
It's all going to become better now, do well son I pronounce and take care of yourself.
Do it for the family, do it for me,
Allow every moment to last greatly.

Living a life for another, made by others,
Anticipating and considering all these expectations,
Especially, for the fans who tolerate the process of expanding education and inspiration,
We’re doing everything we have to do to fulfill the next agent.
We are the creators of a new generation, influencing teens with the power of our platforms,
Reinforcing the idea of an effortless motivation.
To plan ahead, we’re moving forward,
Toward the subsequent destination.
We are the driving forces of multimedia nations,
Narcissism and low self-esteem are the feelings we’re morally inclined to,
Feeling our own bodies test addiction to a single notification,
We’re living in endless rotation.
Our minds have grown accustomed to the routines of checking the number,
Of likes and comments on the recent,
Even, lurking and giving into the guilty pleasure of stalking,
If the previous line resonates, then you’ve just justified our statistics and analytics.
The only way out is through resuscitation,
Deactivating can be deemed the easier option,
However, those who signed up for it can argue that widespread messages are the modern communication for our adolescents,
Setting a model for the next, following, and upcoming conversation.

Back when I had obtained my innocence,
I remember the happiness and freedom with life,
Everything went great,
Everyday was cherished as a blessing,
As it should always be.
Then one day came along,
Suddenly, I grew up way too quick.
I knew that something wasn’t right,
Nothing felt right anymore.
But, I still counted on the efforts of others,
To show me,
To guide me,
To protect and be there for me.
I was let down, disappointed at her,
My love was open arms,
My heart unlocked, but broken at one fall.
One less lonely girl,
Treat her like she’s worth,
If you value her, prove it.
Allowing pride to take over pain will only hurt,
So, don’t lose her or yourself in the process,
Trust the feeling of fighting,
Being brave and courageous enough to express,
She needed that, she wants that still.
Take her hand,
Twirl her around a few times,
And show her different.

Repetition after repetition,
I'm exhausted over the inconsistent text messages you continue sending,
I'm just confused about everything, your lies are making things unclear,
Sometimes I wonder if I don't try, will you still appear?
Not on my mentions, but on your mind,
Will a thought still be drawn to you in the same moment of time?

So you ask yourself every now and then,
When that reality hits deep in,
When and where should you begin,
And how should you react when something goes the opposite way, falls in the deep end.
Maybe that's when all goes wrong,
You're left to feel nothing at all,
Everyone starts spurring around the inquiry of "How are they doing?",
I mean if they cared they honestly would've said something, yeah,
But nowadays all I can view is the harsh and cruel judgement behind the norm,
I know that some people come in my life to leave,
But this is happening at a rapid speed, I can no longer catch up to the race,
This thing called life is just running away,
My best attempt is merely outspoken, goes unnoticed,
Similar to my recent poem,
You can all sense whenever something isn't the same as it was before,
It's called a conscience, yeah.

Before things turned to downfall and downcast,
Everything seemed so good to be true,
The days we cherished together,
Will never be mentioned nowadays,
Oh, take me back to the night we met.
Where a peaceful cast shadowed over us two,
When your soul was once mended whole with mine,
When we were unhurt and satisfied.
I crave the presence of our younger years; nostalgia appears.
The recollection of your smile remains,
The laughter, the whispers, take me back to the day we said our first hellos.
Walking side by side one another,
Discovering new facts about ourselves never deemed detectable,
I had most of you, unfortunately now, I have almost none of you.
Things change,
Time passes,
And we will never get back what we wanted ever again.

It's a good thing,
To speak, to ramble, to be able to elaborate on such simple topics.
People may look at you with these glaring senses of abnormality or a measurement level of discomfort,
The truth is, they aspire to be you in such a different way that blows their mind whenever coming across someone as unique as you,
With words left unsaid,
They all slowly begin to turn heads,
You feel this minor intensity, agony divulging, extreme anxiety on the inside,
But your face shows otherwise.
You smile, creating an elated atmosphere,
But the internal feeling inside is progressively growing.
Those constant taps of your left foot are causing too many eyes to be drawn to it.
"Stop, relax. Take a step back,
Just feeling something else, else," is what you solemnly preach aloud to yourself.
Now, the audience's tension in eye contact are more than just overwhelming,
It's ripping the nails off your fingertips,
Making you want to burn every bit of your heart along with this building you're stuck in.
When your feelings emerge and intersect in a negative tense,
You don't come to a halt,
You allow your body to experience any feeling possible;
Your indifference represents the other version of yourself,
one in particular that may be unveiled or underestimated by the several dissimilar aspects nobody really shows.

Seeking love in those who have never really experienced it, will be heartbreaking they say.
Yet, the sense of words they reason all make sense, indeed.
I’ve just haven’t caught a glimpse of reality,
Instead, I remain oblivious to the consequences I know I’ll face,
The challenges, obstacles, and struggles,
They can’t possibly “hurt” you in any sort of way, they exclaim.
- I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be,
It lifted me upon my feet and aimed a light on my head that all these men, most certainly aren’t for me.

Real words, real thoughts, real references,
What I mention is the truth,
Never to be left questioned or misinterpreted.
The form of performance;
Proper and critique,
I'm forced to sit upright; think straight,
Play pretend with my so called "friends"; act like the person I am.
Disclosed and cold,
Isolated, yet engaged,
A person who unremarkably achieves just anything.
I'm one of the ordinary, but self-expression is considered extraordinary.

As I inhale for yet another breath,
I realize I haven't quite gotten some rest.
Maybe it's because all I kept stressing over last night was the fact of which, you weren't safe yesterday night.
I keep myself well aware of the situations you've been involved with,
I've been attempting to get some sort of attention from you,
But I guess I'm just fitting in like everyone else,
You're just not seeing me quite right,
Maybe you put me through this nerve racking test.
I'm exhausted,
I've been waiting in this same spot for this entire time, thinking maybe just maybe you would've called.
But the only person I hear from the other end is the person specifically telling me that you're unavailable  at this time.
I feel so drowned inside,
The way you ignored my sense of effort,
The only hope I have now is for someone, anyone to guide me to a light,
Or maybe even a simple sign,
I just need you to want me - like.
But I guess I'm just not your precise right.

Frantically looking around,
I start to realize
I am alone
I am with me
And only me
No one else around
To cover my eyes from the destruction
Of myself
Of what I make of life
Of what I continue to question
Overthinking is a burden for me
From time to time,
I treat overthinking as a reward system
Slowly giving parts of myself
To something that does not co-exist.
I mean,
What is time?
Why is it always ticking?
Why are we trapped in ourselves?
Is there a way out of this madness of something called a world?
Filled with pitiful human beings
We call ourselves
By names
Constantly labeling ourselves and others
I guess that’s what school has taught us
And that’s all of what early life is
Anyways,
I guess what I am saying is that seas can drown us out
Our mind can play tricks on our physical bodies
Making us feel things that aren’t real
Making us feel things for people who were never real
Or never close to what we’ve made them out to be.
Life is a rope
We’ve got to keep tugging at it
It is the only way we can see
If there is truly a way out
Or if what lies ahead
Is nothing short of millions of miles of distance
From a shore that is close to nothing
Is made up of
A black hole
Or maybe an abyss
A yearning
To see what’s at shore
We must continue searching
And never stopping, for anyone
For anything
What lays ahead.
What lays ahead?

The feelings of uncertainty are consuming me,
With no clue left of what to do,
My common sense lacks originality,
I lose my mentality as well as my responsibilities.
Everyone counting on me,
Don't make a mistake they all say,
If you choose to proceed on the opposite path then you'll be nothing but a mistake, they all claim.
With nothing left to do,
My mind goes to this dark place, inevitably sways,
And now all I can do is look back at all I've done wrong.

They may never know
How you came into our lives
So effortlessly
When we needed
Something desperately
They may never know
How hurt she was before you
Healing her with your superpowers
Can’t tell you how do it
Make everything so well
They may never know
How some people come into our lives to leave
But you stayed.
Till this day
I can’t figure out
Why you did
You were given every chance
But it was like
Every time we broke you down
From the inside out
You still cared for us
They may never know
The pain hidden behind
The curtains that shadowed
Demons that exercised our bad intentions of you
Buried behind piles of lies
And excuses
Lay our meaningless lives
That is unfortunately what they may never know.

“if you want something very badly,
set it free.
if it comes back to you,
it is yours forever.
if it doesn’t,
it was never yours to begin with.”
this is all because
everything happens for a reason

i wish you were here,
when i felt unnecessary in everyone else's life
left behind like an abandoned child,
stuck and miserable in the world,
consider me,
an untimely product.
when i was so close to giving up
you were the only person I felt something for,
but that has changed.
Despite feelings changing overtime, I still....
wish you were,
right next to me.
I wish I could I feel your body
press up against mine when the cold air lathers on our skin.
I wish I wasn't so bad at expressing signs of love,
it was never taught
or given to me.
from the start,
you were the only person that knew me better than I knew me
and that is, the reason as to why I still crave the times I wish you were here with me.
I wish you stood by me in the worst of times,
especially when I couldn't think of anyone else in the moment  except for you.
No strings attached, I think I am drawn to you,
like an artist to a blank canvas,
like a girl who runs away from love because she wasn't given enough.
Yet, I always come back to the thought of you and me,
smiling and laughing
living life happily,
exploring each other's interests so effortlessly,
we lose track of time,
forget to realize that we had to meet sometime this week.
that is why I steer away from the thought of you
and although, the title of this poem is quite ironic so,
with careful notice of both ways this can go,
I can still say that,
I wish you were here.

every now & then
my mind is sprinkled with powder dust
i can barely make out...tell apart
reality from
fantasy
it all seems too much
thinking hurts
feelings misguided
goals unreached
during this period of time
i slip through the cracks of roads
- i twist and turn with every move -
that lead ordinary people to success

Leaving or distancing was never a problem,
Nobody really knows how my life goes and I’m proud of it to be honest.
I’ve been feeling really careless lately,
People keep spreading things that are wrong,
It gets me upset and somehow I always get impacted from it.
It’s like I shut down,
Friends or not,
I take certain things to heart.
Whether you meant it in a nice or bad way,
I’ve just not been thinking right quite frankly,
Pressures on to do well and succeed,
But what’s the point of trying if no one’s ever going to see?
Yeah that’s my scattered mindset,
Having faith for adversities to fade away,
But they never do,
Yeah I’m dealing with things I don’t really want to,
But I guess I got to put up with it.
Cope mechanism is shutting down, placing people as far as possible,
Not really expressing my feelings toward the stuff that terribly effect me,
And yet, I still pretend like it’s okay,
I’ll smile in your face,
Make you think I’m doing all fine without another .
My feelings are just way too strong,
I can’t help from liking you,
However, I never meant to make things the way they currently are,
Mentions are getting spurred rapidly,
Those sayings were never stated directly,
We didn’t even get to discuss our predictament.
But, these things tend to get disregarded,
You leave me,
Feeling this sort of way,
Then, try to come back.
I’m tired of putting up,
I’m all in my head

just tell me what to do,
confess to me your love,
or leave me here,
i promise this won’t be long.
just find out what to do,
tell me what to do,
what gave you the mobility to get over me,
to overcome the distance that once broke our connection apart?
how did you do it?
tell me, or I’m afraid,
I might have to jump off a building,
Cause’ you’re stuck in my brain again,
Yeah, I’m stuck in my brain again.
havoc and incessant quarrels,
bring tears to eyes and knives through hearts.
despite the mess you made with our love,
I’d go through it again if I were to know we would create the product of our love.
you’re the one i choose,
and most importantly,
the one i can never lose,
you’re stuck in my brain again,
yeah, stuck in my brain, again.
wish i could hear your voice,
it used to soothe me when i’d reminisce,
late at night, used to seek comfort in daydreaming,
in those daydreams, you used to confess to me your love through dry humor and long phone calls,
we would recycle the same thoughts to prolong conversations,
and pivot them, when the time grew too long,
all i get nowadays are the reminders that we were far too young to comprehend the concept of love;
we are no longer in love as we once were,
and you don’t feel the same anymore,
which brings me to face what i have avoided all of these years.
i no longer feel sane anymore,
so I lay wide awake,
To get my soul away,
I look for new ways around the thought of you,
I need a great escape or I might jump off a building.
is it wrong to hope that someday love will return to us?
to the one place in the world where it falls and belongs to us.
i’m afraid that if it doesn't,
time and fate will consume us slowly,
right before you declare to me the loss of us,
have you know that you’re the one i run to mid problems and emotions,
your name drives me crazy when i hear it,
still hard wired to the thoughts that make me run to you,
and your smile, don’t even get me started,
however, i acknowledge the deep sorrow and pain you feel for cutting off the supply chain of tangible thoughts that trace through my head and the oxygen that supports the barely moving body of mine,
in an alternate world,
you’re stuck in my brain, again,
yeah, stuck in my brain again.

music plays in my ears
my thoughts are laced with the rhythm
and lyrics
while my physical body is at a standstill
with my mind
and my heart
i cannot render anything
nothing makes sense anymore
without this particular person
even though i’ve lost this person long ago
i foster the craving of their presence
lost i am
lost.

busy contemplating
when one should be taking responsibility,
accountability for what has been said
and done.
with you,
i am me
i throw away all of my mistakes
worries, doubts, regrets
when i think of you
i stop everything
to sit and reminisce
your handsome face
the warmth of your body
something i held close to me, at some point
i wish i would’ve
cupped your face
pull you into me
and feel your rosy lips
brush up against mine.
i would trade the world
for another day
just me and you
facing each other
we would take a deep breath
and let the words escape
after all is said
and done
we will embrace each other
cling onto each other
like a magnet would
or like an innocent child,
holding onto momma’s hand.

Your presence
Sends shutters down my spine,
An indescribable feeling
Made of fear and confusing pain.
An overwhelming feeling
Wanting to scream and shout



Help,
Help.

You were the sun to my moon,
While dark eclipses constantly revolved around,
You appeared and mended me whole again.
When the waves came crashing in,
You were the one I ran to,
Despite the abyss, anchoring my faith,
You stood by my side.
I could never pay you back for tossing,
A lifesaver, indeed.
Abandoned by the sea, and hidden in the shadows,
Even, neglected by sunlight,
Baby boy, you wired the spark in my eyes,
Restarted the heart I obtained deep within,
Something I could possibly never fathom to exist,
You did that, you filled that void with happiness.
So pure,
No one would ever imagine a face,
Be taken away,
So suddenly, too quick.
You were the joy I desired,
I held you in my arms so tight,
You were finally mine,
I felt ever so complete.
Just when life felt right,
I was struck by lightning,
A storm swept the happiness and ease.
Though laying lifeless,
You and I were finally reunited.
My sweet little boy, lay lifeless,
A child like this should never rest in a casket.

she can’t get anything done,
call her irresponsible or dumb.
maybe she’s both,
but no one will ever ask.
maybe she’s cold,
but doesn’t want anyone to know.
she feels the pressure come,
shoulders about to drop,
heart giving up.
it’s not like you’d understand,
you expect me to be perfect,
worth it, when I hate myself.
take me from this place,
i cannot stay,
i feel number everyday.
dreams been replaced with lost hope,
what’s faith?
expectations make focus harder,
i’m drained.
don’t tell me what to do,
let me live how i want,
can’t you already see, i’m tired of this life.

she pours all of her time and effort into a guy who is foreign to the thought of love,
deeply rooted lays the never given,
he was never shown love,
what could possibly, make him give it?
she is upset all of the time,
probably cause’ daddy is absent and doesn’t bother to call either,
she rides the rollercoaster of life,
by “getting by”, searching for love in guys like him.
he likes her, but refuses to pronounce the words of his love,
too cold to show it,
leaves her to feel drowned out,
she is broken down, but still calls out for him,
her yearning drives him to be consumed by the tidal wave of love,
in the end, he and she are found washed ashore.
what do you call this?

you ever wish you could click erase
press restart
to help yourself
move forward in life
without feeling like you’ve left something
far behind you
but to live in the past
is to never experience the present
even with all the opportunities in the world
i would trade
myself
in exchange for being nonexistent
never mentioned
never accepted.

all i want to do is love you
love you,
love you.
i've had my hands tied
for far too long
and i am finally floating,
i'm floating.

you sit and pout
about everything
try to work out your problems
by finding ways around them
but that is not the way life goes.
you're slowly running out of time
without realizing it
you're stuck in your head again
you feel like it's too hard to get out
but this isn't you
i know me and you aren't acting quite like her
this isn't you and you know it
but i know you don't know much about yourself
been too busy absorbing the personalities that surround you
you're slowly losing yourself
without realizing it
you're going too black out one of these days,
they say
and those words aren't wrong
they might foreshadow destiny
but only you can stop them
only you can put an end to the words that they tell you
you can either choose to ignore them or consume them
but you better choose
you better choose by not what you feel but by what you believe is enough.
you've got to keep going,
even when everything feels like it isn't worth it.
you over analyze everything,
try taking a step back
every once in a while
cause' only you have the ability to turn wrongs to rights

i beg of the presence
high above everyone
to lift me up
take me instead of the one
who doesn’t deserve to be taken away.