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eve Sep 27
we communicate through the phone maybe once or twice a week
you uphold my financial status, but have no relative experience in raising me.
you claim to be a trying father, but your behavior never match up to your promises.
you think being a dad is a check off a ballot, an easy task to complete, truly believing that money will always compensate for happiness,
but imagine if you put as much thought into yelling and screaming at your mother when you get mad over the tiniest thing into realizing your beloved daughter, mamita linda, carries a heavy burden with her and on her shoulders each and every day.
she faces people who mock her in class and treat her with no respect for doing what she feels is right
she judges her face fat, waist size, and stretch marks in the morning
dealing with things teenagers her age shouldn’t be dealing with and after all that she has had to support herself by carrying that burden of teaching herself everything she doesn’t knows and even, about men that treat women with ultimate disrespect
like you, she looses patience easily and the gates of hell break open when she rambles on while temporarily disregarding who she is where she is and who she is talking with, no matter what, she will continue to rant about whoever or whatever drove her to lose that one thought in mind, waiting to be said in that moment of time.
half the time she is missing out on hanging out with her friends because you tell her she is not supposed to do that,
she is unsatisfied, spell one divided by two on her forehead
nobody understands what she says, according to a wannabe intellect in her advanced placement classes
she prefers a busy schedule because she moves on quickly and does not prefer sitting down, tuning into pointless, nonstop lectures, and perfectly accentuated monologues written and presented by her father in front of everyone she cares about.
as a result of that, she cries herself to sleep, dwelling on the thought of that while praying for someone or something, to take her away in the middle of the night
she fights waking up in the morning, to repeat the daily routine and process of adding more than she can handle on her plate
you can consider her a runaway from personal issues,
but you should be thanking her for still existing and experiencing a cruel world that surrounds her.
be grateful she is blessed with the right mindset, she is not following in your footsteps and making half the mistakes you once did,
those mistakes, every single of them amount to the overall guilt that rises in your throat before you prepare yourself to speak or perhaps, whenever people propose an idea that isn’t yours.
she reflects on your weakest points and tells herself to consider what she needs to learn more about,
her reflection connects to the previously mentioned thought process that is on-going in school
her hand trembles as she grips the pencil because she writes a lot to relieve her senses and stresses of past abuse and mental break downs.
call her a try hard, but in reality,
she is dealing with things nobody would ever think could be possible
she paints a picture in her head of a perfect life, one that involves leaving from the once familiar faces and settings she once admired,
placing everyone she has ever cared about to the side without rational thought, she is saying goodbye to those she would never think to,
she chose not to overcome her stressful relationship with her dad,
instead, she just got up and left, leaving everything she has ever considered to be important behind along with the boy she incessantly thought would someday provide for her.
a circle of thoughts run in and out of her scattered head everyday,
and if you are still wondering why, it is because she has big shoes to fill and lesson plans to organize when she travels from one place to another
she cannot seem to sort out or understand her issues fully yet she tries and strives and drives herself to the point in which she lets her work ethic outperform the people in the room.
she not only copes with the rude remarks and “constructive criticism” from ignorant people,
but with confronting people about issues she is has no part in
she is deep involved in unveiling the reasoning behind why, these people, of all people, attempt to grasp a hold of her, only then will they be able to clash their issues with hers.
similar to the behavior of her father,
her mom attests to her daughter serving her daughter’s fathers’ outlook on life itself because they act the same exact way.
she and he demand until their words fall short and their tears begin to escape from the corners
she and he cry until their sockets cannot take anymore and hearts begin to race double the beats per minute
they pounce on each other like enemies,
even though, they are blood tied and reflections of each other
as much as she hates to admit it, both she and he know it’s true,
but he will forever get his way and she will get her messages across every time.
eve Jul 31
she can’t get anything done,
call her irresponsible or dumb.
maybe she’s both,
but no one will ever ask.
maybe she’s cold,
but doesn’t want anyone to know.
she feels the pressure come,
shoulders about to drop,
heart giving up.
it’s not like you’d understand,
you expect me to be perfect,
worth it, when I hate myself.
take me from this place,
i cannot stay,
i feel number everyday.
dreams been replaced with lost hope,
what’s faith?
expectations make focus harder,
i’m drained.
don’t tell me what to do,
let me live how i want,
can’t you already see, i’m tired of this life.
eve May 23
i just miss the way we used to speak,
sitting on your fire escape,
we vented our little hearts away,
figuring out a way out of the destruction we faced.
the hardships we endured weren’t just,
we were too young to experience those things.
so they’d tell us, but hey, remember when i used to sleepover your place?
despite needing space, you used to tell me anyway that I was your safe place.
it was as if we represented our own homes,
not reflecting it, just avoiding the conflict,
all we knew at the time was feeling like we belonged.
all along, i wanted someone to lean on when the obstacles grew too difficult to face.
when i found you,
i learned just how that felt.
now, we’re growing old,
connection is wearing thin,
but i’m still thinking of you to maintain faith.
you help me through things i can’t make out,
and for that, i’m forever grateful to have you,
to have had that one special connection.
days are passing by,
time is ticking, and it feels longer without you here with me.
you moved away four years ago,
but it feels like i lost track of where that person I’ve known my whole life went.
distance could be the reason for our connection not being the same,
but, the harder i try to remember the reason why,
the more pain it brings.
these tears I cry out are temporary calls for help through times I need you here with me to stay.
hopefully one day, our days will come back to us as they should,
we will reunite and rekindle our once special connection,
making each other feel like nothing has changed.
in the mean time, i can replay the memories we’ve made,
with you by my side reminds me of the feeling of getting through anything.
because you were my safe place, the one I depended on when people pushed me away and I had nowhere else to go.
when i cry at night,
the thought of you next to me bring the tears I cry to water for the trees, and those cries turn to sounds of peace,
you are my safe place.
eve Apr 3
ego
Living a life for another, made by others,
Anticipating and considering all these expectations,
Especially, for the fans who tolerate the process of expanding education and inspiration,
We’re doing everything we have to do to fulfill the next agent.
We are the creators of a new generation, influencing teens with the power of our platforms,
Reinforcing the idea of an effortless motivation.
To plan ahead, we’re moving forward,
Toward the subsequent destination.
We are the driving forces of multimedia nations,
Narcissism and low self-esteem are the feelings we’re morally inclined to,
Feeling our own bodies test addiction to a single notification,
We’re living in endless rotation.
Our minds have grown accustomed to the routines of checking the number,
Of likes and comments on the recent,
Even, lurking and giving into the guilty pleasure of stalking,
If the previous line resonates, then you’ve just justified our statistics and analytics.
The only way out is through resuscitation,
Deactivating can be deemed the easier option,
However, those who signed up for it can argue that widespread messages are the modern communication for our adolescents,
Setting a model for the next, following, and upcoming conversation.
eve Feb 19
don’t know what you call this,
it’s labeled a whatever thing.
you’re leading me,
to inconsistency.
tired of your mystery,
this isn’t suppose to be a puzzle piece,
can’t you see that i’m falling apart without you?
call it emotional dependence,
but if you cared just as you say you do,
you’d prove who and what you are,
instead of eluding to the truth.
burning through these possibilities,
how about you,
light a match, and,
guide us to the direction of nevermeanttobe.
do I have to remind you again?
how to act,
and listen.
just listen,
you make me feel like i’m high above,
the clouds of doubt that fill your mind at the worst of night,
causing me to lose track of time.
when it’s time to go,
we pack our bags,
forget to say goodbye.
if you were truly what i gained,
you wouldn’t mind tiring or lying to me.
i’ll accept it for what it is,
cause you’ll reminisce,
leave me to guess,
then wrap me all up in your head;
not as a present,
but to mark the esssence of having the nerve to speak to me.
i shouldn’t have to open the door,
place the keys on your front lawn,
just to see you move on from me again.
advice runs around my mind,
telling me things that i do not like,
how you like to lick your lips,
to marinate a thousand more lies and excuses,
feeling unashamed and inveterate every time.
shamelessly you make me yours and I make you mine;
oh, i don’t know what to call this.
memories of you and me,
raid through these homemade remedies,
for once and for all, trying to forget you;
for the love of Christ, why do I feel inclined to you?
you’ll call me once,
or maybe twice,
and i’ll pick up,
just to hear you cry, and whine,
about the things you can’t achieve in life.
because this life is like a marathon to you,
don’t race along when you feel rushed,
you’ll just forget to pace yourself.
my innocence is wearing thin,
you’re wearing me all across her chest,
and neck,
tell me you’re numb and can’t go through it again,
don’t feel nothing.
i’ll convince myself that you are here,
that you are here to hear what i feel is true and finally listen.
as the days go by,
i allow time to slip through fingertips,
time after time,
you make me out to be the biggest fool.
when i brag about you to them,
they suggest i don’t get too fond of you,
nevertheless, i’ll drift and float to dizziness;
disregard the past conversation,
while actively pursuing to revitalize the old one again.
these perpexlexing parts are hard to find,
i look around, note one to none,
and none to suffice;
there it goes, so i, lose track of you.
I suggest listening to Yellow Lights by Harry Hudson, it’s been running through my head these past couple days and sparked an interest in me to write about a personal anecdote. I hope you enjoy, see you all soon, x.
eve Feb 16
i want to run away from here,
i’m unwanted and viewed as eternal emptiness.
i knew it in my heart that I should’ve never cared,
Because the reason for our fall always ends here.
For thinking you were the one,
For once,
I am wrong.
Overthinking too much,
I assume where we went lost.
Took too long to reply,
My heart is shriveled up and dead, and I can no longer move along.
Just a look in your eyes,
Brings memories to my mind,
I love you so much.
I wish that I could remove the flaws hidden behind us,
A trail of unrequited love.
From afar, I see that your footprints cross my heart,
Too much to bear, I sit and stare at the clock.
Too numb to feel something that felt so real,
Maybe you weren’t the one to heal,
You were just a temporary deal,
Just like everyone else.
I could’ve been yours,
Our perspectives are too **** drawn,
Can’t you see?
We’re falling apart,
pretending to be something we’re not.
We’re nothing at all, I understand...
I wish that we could’ve lasted forever,
Instead, you abused the pact and treated me as whenever,
Oh, I just wanted you all to myself.
Reassurance and security,
Both things that met when I was with you.
Call me a selfish girl,
A cruel fool,
But my emotions will inevitably choose you.
I will miss you my dear,
But, you were the cause of our downfall.
Running away from my problems again,
goodbye my friend.
eve Dec 2018
Miserable and unmotivated,
Mood swings from time to time,
Lying, it has evolved daily.
I can’t control myself the same way anymore,
I’m discovering a new side to myself,
I proclaim that space is what will cure this pain,
However, that’s not the claim.
That unfamiliar side that remains,
Is the one that nobody seems to understand,
They’re getting tired of me;
Bored.
I wish I could reach out,
Nah, I’d probably just freak them, like hell.
I call them friends,
Nowadays,
They’re merely as important to me.
Quick judgments, slow reaction times,
If they ever need assistance,
I’m always available.
If the tables turn, role switches,
I’d be let down,
Yet again.
The irony resides here,
Trust within myself no longer exists,
Entirety has been reduced to half of a whole,
I’m a worthless piece of —
So sick of being misused,
Treated differently, and most importantly,
Never fully acknowledged of.
You notice my presence when you want,
Not when you can.
Your effort is only being wasted,
Referencing me as a “friend”,
Just an acquaintance,
Actually, a stone cold stranger that wants nothing to do with anyone or anything.
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