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sallow sunken hollow caves caked in mud
and a crackled mouth
streaked with white and a sort of quiet mortification
never
                               open                                                  it
                please                                              
                                                  they mustn't
                                                          could not bear
               to                                                                            hear
                           you
grotesque
oil painting
made of skin and sinew and chipped memories
framed
limp and greasy drapes
it is reflected on all four sides
it moves along with you
it blocks your view
look closely beyond the canvas and you might glimpse the perfect paper people
with their stapler smiles
and buzzing hums
against their ceramic tiles
how’s the weather over there, friend?
it is
                                          far
                  too
                                                                  humid
in
            here.
ari Mar 3
oh dear
    it seems that i've
lost track of time again
              the days are far and few between
    oh dear, oh dear
                       the minutes have melted together
          so have the hours
                                 i see no difference between
                    a week
                                     a month
                                                          or a year
it is all slow
                       i'm aging yet i feel
                                                       just like i did yesterday
           my watch must be broken
what is time? why are we stuck here? who are you? how did you get here? how did i get here?
Julia Jan 12
i made you up
inside my head
all i can feel
is regret

and love for you
but is it you?
i don't think
that it is true

i made you up
inside my brain
you're making me
go insane

i fell in love
with the idea
not the person
i need to meet you

i made you up
inside my mind
i feel like
i'm losing time

my love is just
a complete waste
of all my energy
and your space
i fell in love with you without even knowing you
Julia Jan 11
what does silence sound like?


it's the sound that surrounds me
every night i lay in bed
without your warm embrace
and wonder why i'm so sad
my brainwaves are incoherent
my fingers have gone numb
i haven't left my bed in three days
how i long to feel your touch
the sounds that no one dares to break
at 3 am in a lover's grave
brushing the hair away from my face
but you don't even know my name
and it's all just a dream that i made up
i wonder if i am actually awake
or if i'm stuck in a perpetual nightmare
counting the days until you hold my hand
Chloe Haas Dec 2019
That girl sitting there
is a beautiful tragedy
her mind is an aghast
her body
is her grave
her bones
ache
while her throat is being strangled
whats wrong with her mind
cant ever be untangled.
she,
is a beautiful tragedy
Monet Echo Dec 2019
I’m here. I exist. There’s nothing to resist. I’m not happy, not sad. I don’t remember how it feels to be mad. I’m not melancholy. Not depressed. Not thinking about what comes next. Just here. Just existing. So please stop insisting I’m upset or unstable. Im just sitting at an internal table. Watching life happen with an unattached view. Don’t worry, I’m fine. It passes with time. No, it wasn’t you. I promise, I’ll be okay. I just can’t feel today. But... it’s better this way. It’s just my mental defense. No I’m not tense. I’m indifferent to everything. Yes, everything. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I promise it’s not sorrow. Just let me be today, and tomorrow you’ll see I really am okay.
I wrote this while having an episode of derealization. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when you detach from reality (although much more scientific than that). This is more than just “zoning out.” Its almost like a dream. It’s having the inability to feel absolutely anything. Often times my senses feel muffled. Everything just seems fuzzy, distant, and unreal. Indifferent is the only word I’ve found to describe how I feel in the moment accurately, because every other word I’ve tried implies emotion, and there is none during a derealization episode. Sometimes when this happens I don’t recognize my own body as me. It seems like I’m trapped inside a foreign body just watching life happen. My body goes into auto pilot and acts normal, so usually no one even notices. However, sometimes if it’s a really strong derealization episode, even my body doesn’t function properly and I seem withdrawn and depressed. This poem is supposed to be me reassuring someone who sees me in that extreme state that I will be okay. That I’m not depressed, not mad, not sad, etc. But that I just need time for this feeling (or more like lack there of) to wear off. I wanted to write it with an air of patience, due to my inability to be annoyed by people’s questions while I’m experiencing it.
Cunning Linguist Sep 2019
I tread to keep my head
Just above the water;
But find myself floating away ~

While others were sinking
or swimming
down yonder, I ponder,
though my thoughts betray

The reality that I perceive
Which may, or may not be as limiting
Of that which you can conceive,
Or can see much stronger

I no longer bother;
It’s deceiving so I castaway,
And leave myself astray in the fray /
Blottering•
To alter my relief of mindscape
and believe, there’ll better days,
beyond what I face

Wherever my soul will occupy
the confines in space
Of the vibrations that happen
to solidify my base

And give me just the slightest trace,
that I’m phasing amidst
these in-between places

I feel as though I am an imposter -
Egregiously living a grievous dream,
of which I have conjured;

That I am lost,
and therefore cannot prosper
Because I harbor improper resentment,
that I will foster until my departure

This fractal picture of the macrocosm
only grows larger,
but from farther away;
As it becomes harder to map the realms
of territories unchartered in my escape

I try to attain, but only falter in vain
To discover what the universe
truly contains

And convey that in words
to paint mental frames/

Maybe it’s strange
but one must think
outside the constraints

It may sound absurd but please
keep up the pace
Spiritual enlightenment for real
is the surreal end-game
in which we all play chase replacing
Incarcerated rocks to be polished,
in this giant machine

Perpetually incarnating
A shining spirit until
that’s all that remains

Once every imperfection
Is completely erased
When the correct particles
have been finally arranged

& Nirvana has since become fully sustained
Can I truly be One with my Self-
And not just a product of fate
Julia Jun 2019
sometimes i'm trapped in my own mind
do i need help or am i alright
with falling apart and breaking my bones
is there a person in this world who actually knows?
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