Hate me
In the most beautiful of ways
So even the little things
Hurt horribly but im in love with the pain
Just not your face
And hate me
In the most beautiful of ways
So even when you tear me apart
My ruptured heart will be an art
      Hate me
      Because I love you
      So much I hate you
      For everything you do
      And tonight
      Your shadow was too white
      Blinding my sight
      Binding us so tight
      So hate me
      Hate me cause I love you
      More than just to *******
      Too **** much to undo this girl

That I hate

If I stood in our doorway
   With the light against my back
          Would you answer me a question
              If I gathered the courage to ask?

If I whispered to these four blank walls
Of how Time scared me more than death
Would you laugh at me in pale moonlight
As I draw ragged breath

                                   "That stuff kills you!" They all say
But by then they've failed to listen
           The hands are broken, the clock tipped over
*But I still hear it ticking!

The words I spoke
    Painted soft hues in semicircles
   That formed veins in vain
  All the life the colors formed caused was pain
    And disdain for this thing called breath
     I would gladly welcome death
   In the form of the devil kissing necks
           Sharpening a dagger in geometric patterns
    Slicing through my brain matter with a splayed tongue
           Implanting THC in my frontal lobe with infinite precision showing me visions of misread Scriptures read by passive preachers and pastors not knowing the meanings of verses read backwards that sound like incantations for Satan


     Drop.
Drip into my glass
Cerulean liquid so vivid it defies description
Even with these prescription lenses I can't tell the difference between what's okay to write but not say so today
I think
I'll take an AK to Pre K to educate the young with Guns
JFK would smile
Knowing I'm the last gunslinger and expander of minds destined to be assassinated for saying it before my time

Another tear falls in Tennessee
For a promise broken

       A moment's notice brings forth the painful revelation laying on your soul
    When you've lost all control thats when you're forced to get a grip
  We've been through it
     And you know I hold you in high regards
        I even tried to say "hi" to God for you
Still I'm unreligious but I pray to see you smile
     All the miles and trips and times I became distant from far away
  I know where my heart will stay
Where it started
A piece broken from a bigger vessel
   I could only dream to achieve
But still we both bleed the same

We've both seen the pain love can cause
We've both needed a pause

But couldn't remotely get a moment so we adapt and change
Channel all these strange emotions into our next step forward
       And though when I call, you try to claim you're standing still, I still hear you move back a few
       I wanna run back to you,
Fix your back for you and help you stand up
         All while trying to man up
  *This life I've created with the love of my life will find love in his life and become intertwined
       But before he does
I want him to know the amazing woman his grandmother is
       With or without a man
And the unconditional love her heart holds within

I stop in my tracks,
Listening

A hollow clinking in the darkness
In an alleyway, somewhat familiar
Vacant and forgotten in the twilight hours
Except for the lingering cigarette smoke
And the scent of dehumanizing hate

And a clink
Low and somehow beneath the dense, dank dark

A sound disillusioning and honed to a fine point, like that of a blade meant to harvest death

A clink
And another clink

                                    There is a man sitting near the end of the alley
                                    At the back of the throat of Hell itself
                                    He has his head down
                                    But through the thick black smudge of night
                                    I can still see the base of a brown glass bottle tap the bottom of an upper row of teeth

He stops, and looks up at me with eyes that resemble mine a little too much for my comfort

                                    He brings the bottle down, and lowers his head, gazing at it as if for the first time
                                    Suddenly he snaps his eyes up to mine, instantly staring into the deep void that is my soul
                                    He smiles a knowing smile, and thrusts the bottle against his teeth one last time.


              It does much more than clink.

Ripping the pages away from my brain
And out of eyesight
I focus in on the pain
Its waves are soothing
They wipe away the ink stains leaving a clean slate

I DO NOT focus on the memories of every single word
Only the important ones that seldomly occured
Love
Of course
Without which where would I be?
Weak and weary watching these waves wash over me.

But these words are just characters
They die off often and can be replaced
But the memories they brought with them,
The ones of your face...

Are gone.

But your love remained.

I remember you saying*  *I'd never see the light
   The tightness of your tone made me admit that you were right
     Helicopters hovered to ensure your illusion
     The resulting wind kept me swept up in the depth of your confusion
      Lies turned to bars, bars into a prison
            It became so dark I started questioning my vision

      Are these visits?
      Or is this just for appearances?

    The choppers in the darkness kept a tight perimeter
Choking out my thoughts
                          I thought about giving up

     Hunger for something crept all the way up my spine
     A broken mirror in my abyss of a cell was well designed
     All the pieces aligned in a sharp little smile
      I ate and ate but instead of full, I felt vile
    Reflecting on the inside I see the illicitness of complicity
    Of allowing your words to get to me
    Of                  
                                 listening
    to the enemy

       It all clicked like the slamming of a door
    I close my useless eyes and I wasn't there anymore
        I listened to my own voice and slowly crept outside
      Now you're trapped without a button to press
   And you'll never see  my  *light.

Hues mixing under a blank sky, I look at all I've done in wonder
Was that me
Or did someone steal my hand for their own poetic ruse?
You see as of late I seem confused
And stay in the atmosphere of here and there
My location wasn't given much care
Physically or mentally
And the moon im under stays blank as the sky
And I ponder if it's meant to be
Ask myself why the ink has all but dried from my well

See

I used to constantly change
Now I stay the same
Uttering words in patterns that are always absurdly similar
Pricking myself with my pen to no avail
Because the blood had too many stories to tell
Most drug on and on for mental miles
That many would cover in a single step,
But I sat frozen,
Observing like this pain was a film

But on nights like this
When I have dissembled myself to the point of belief
Something catches my eye
The eloquence of a blank sky waiting to be filled with ideas, dreams, and possibilities
And sometimes, its enough to wake me from my doubts

Being birthed
           I was given two options
  Departing the usual direction
        Or taking the path of enlightenment
   In the womb of my soul
      I calculated each step before it was to happen
              Spending an enternity rolling the pros and cons over like cement not yet layed
               Then I knew
   Like a knife sliding across the throat
      It was exposed to me clearly
         And taken like a breath of air
        I climbed through the opening in the veil of consciousness
            ****** and soaked in self-awareness
                      And took my first step

        Into the light

Hey girl
      *I caught you staring in the mirror again

       The same look of dissatisfaction painted clearly on your face
You look at your stomach and touch your waist
            Turn and look at your back with the same expression
       There may be wear and tear here and there, especially on your spirit, but that's not where you stare
          If you did you might see the most beautiful sight ever beheld by those big brown eyes
   
       See,
    A lot of men would see your thighs and to no surprise, try to get inside
      But I see your mind and what lies behind the obvious
           A question mark most would leave off the end of their sentence
            I could never forget it.
   I see the rocky road you've walked every time that we talk
        The gravel was never gentle on your soul
      But you continued until you came upon a house built from pain
  decided to stay and thought you'd be okay
      It slowly became a home where you grew into the furniture
    Your veins interlaced with fabric and every fabrication only wove you deeper
          And soon the drugs came to take you away only to fade and leave you to a fate stuck between these walls of abuse
     
                    I refuse
To let you go back
And even if you hate me now, I hope one day you'll understand and love me for that
                   See, I see a lot of things because I look past the mirror you fixate on
                    I've never had to see you as just a reflection
           But rather as perfection, because with every wrong direction you took to get to me it made the time we have together that much more meaningful
           And though your spirit may be bruised and tired, it refuses to give up,
It's gorgeous.
         


        
You've never had to see me as a reflection either. Every time you look at me, I'm anew. I'm not what's in a dusty mirror, and I'm not what's in a fading photograph. I'm a steady flame in your heart, and the most beautifully flawed smile I've ever seen. I could never thank you for all those small things you do without noticing. Nothing I write could touch upon the tip of the gratitude I hold in my heart for you. So I guess to come as close as I can in three simple words,

**I love you.

Words fill the spaces you dont.
Black ink on a white page prove opposites attract
             And I fear we're too similar
   The familiarity causes too much comfort

Paranoia is a fine art

         But my confidence dries the inkwell in which you sit
      And now you're choking on my fumes
  Drowning in the silence of my non ambition
        I know you'll die,
   *But words will fill the spaces you don't.

Frost on your window
     Heartbeat off tempo
     Don't wanna open the door too scared what you're in for
     You've been here before
     But it's never hit so close to home
     You don't know if you need to be held
     Or just be left alone

But come in girl, I swear it's warm inside
If you can't take it baby, we'll both go hide
Tell me what you're thinking, I've been around
In a room full of frowns, you still put it down

     Calls on your phone
     Letters at home
     They used to not talk, now they've missed you so long
     But they just can't make it
     Their time has been taken
     And your stuck here waiting
     Circumstances won't change just

*Let me in girl, I promise, just confide
I can take it, I've got nothing to hide
Tell me what you been thinking, baby I've been around
In a room full of frowns, I'll still hold you down

The light is struck away in a cold confusing slash of night
  Black creeping at my windowsill signifying the strangeness of unfamiliar surroundings
          Changed and twisted by the lack of sound the sleep of others brings
      I stay roused in the dark
      Silence biting at my ears
            My mind asking itself rhetorical questions
            

        Pacing and pacing and pacing
         and pacing and pacing

Staring out my window at slanted shadows that seem to smile back
           They're very telling
They want to get in, and bad.
  


       *I pray to God they don't.

Talking to the mirror I done learned some things
  About self preservation
Who I see myself as and if I'll make it
          I stand here naked
With no protection
    Just my reflection coaching me
      All I see is these scars
Vanity lights reminiscent of cars approaching me
     I traffick myself in words
You read every inch from the drivers side
A little sniff
My standard's stiff and I'm firm handed when I write
Guess it comes out ******* white
                            Paper
Lines later I'm in the shower sitting on the floor
The water hits and I'm gripping on the door but I'm slipping trying to soar
I can't escape, can't fly away
But I've given so much of myself there's not enough to sell
I can't reup on myself
      So I'll stand here staring at my face
And figure how to keep what's left of my heart in it's place.

Morning is a cold metal gun placed to my temple
Time is a trickle of blood I won't remember

I just closed my eyes for five minutes
Now I'm dealing with moving on and vindictive *******
       This isn't it is it?
Cause I still know ******* who love me from two years ago
Back when they would try to steal my spot and I'd let it go
Any inhibition
In the kitchen cooking beef in the skillet saying **** it lets **** ****
Back when I ran the town
They still played around
While I kept **** down to a whisper
Still smoking loud
But moving in silence
Not dealing with violence but keeping blades beside me just in case they try me
Must not think highly of themselves taking a dive anywhere at all
Improvised grave sites excite me
I love watching the fall
I love watching her leave
Til she walked out of my life and said she felt relieved
Left me alcoholic beverages and bottles of Aleve
And curly hair all over me still searching for a reprieve

Not ready to talk
So I keep
Walking into walls
That are too tough to fall
So they just wobble then stall
And they seem so tall
The suns just a memory
This winter is a death sentence
And everyone's dead to me
Just because I remember what has been said to me
Doesn't mean I have to scratch the words in my skin
I don't feel the wind
Because my walls block me in
And while the windows rattle
The walls won't bend

This isn't home.

Just because of an area code
Home is in the eyes that stare at these structures and see no demise besides acting surprised when they eat me alive
When I knew all along
Along for the ride
A **** or a pipe a priority
Above all
The majority **** y'all over anyway
So gimme good *** bud in plenty jays
And let my *** incinerate
No one to help inside this trap of myself
These walls become skin
When contemplating them

This isn't home.

Just because of an area code
Home is in the eyes that stare at these structures and see no demise
Just a task to adapt to
Blast through
And never come back to
Home is behind my eyes
Ones that don't need to know the what's or the why's
Or the length or the size
Just to get by
Ones that know I don't need to get high to see beyond these walls to know

*This isn't home.

You
Look beautiful
Right
Before sleep
Laying back, eyes rolled shut
Crushed pills
A contrasting white to the
Bible they lay on
You
Always had
Your
Priorities straight
Beckoning me
Sensing me
From behind your eyelids
Mouthing my name
You
Take me
In
As I feel for
Who you are
Beneath the veil of decency and secrecy
Reminding me
How much I need this
You
Could control
Me
When I'm in you
A puppet takes my place
And when you finish
You put your lips to my temple
And say bang.

You can
        Lean on me
  And let our broken pieces slide against each other
    And together, we will make a **beautiful ******* mosaic

We loved.
           you left.
       I'm sad.

**What a mundane poem

Cut cut cutting out the cardboard of my tongue
I can no longer taste your kiss as my body has gone numb
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
Chopped off at the root of me, my essence running red

Something stupid, clumsy and dark stumbles at my door
I told you to get out of here and not come back no more
But silly you you slit your throat and dont know how to sew
Looking in my window for answers, acting like I know

Choke me with a guitar string, this music will be the death of me
But it'll get me lots of ***, so I don't even sweat the heat
Time will stop ticking when the world has finally lost its rhythm
And I'll be sitting on an oil drum screaming out of tune at children

Old men die just to do it once and see if they survive
While im happy just popping pills to see if im alive
I can no longer taste your kiss as my body has gone numb
But I still feel my way around the barrel of my gun

I hear the toll**
   *  Screaming through dry space
  Cracked and fragmented as my own face
Is the sound of fate
      That tolling
  Rolling and rolling
   Stopping and strolling
  Making its way nonetheless
        It played
      Hot and decayed
    Metallic song frayed
       Etching my bones in its stress
I stared at length
        My eyes unhinged
  Bathing in revelation
        The heat subsided
   As I realized
I was the sound's destination
      I layed down cold and did as told
And never asked anything
It was within myself the Fate Bell tolled
With an ever rising ring

My mind just fell
         Knee deep into an inkwell
You're pre meditated ****** of creativity
                      **Didn't end well

Knees buckling
   He'd give up anything to feel her touch's healing strength
      But foreboding dreams kept showing things
          Movie scenes that seem to tear the seams of time itself and lay the twine atop of a shelf too high for him to reach
      He'd die in this moment if he thought it would help
    Some memories haunt so deep eternal sleep offers no escape
         Karma waits with ten million watt light bulbs to illuminate your every flaw
     Every argument caused builds a tallied wall there's no way out and they'll never fall
      Stuck in a room of doubt and sappy songs you can't sing along too because every tune brings her face back to you in vibrant hues

Death wouldn't help

This is Death

      Watching the light gradually die from your eyes
   Fabricated surprise on my behalf had you think that the sky was the limit
     You can't fly but a minute before you crash
     And when I'm not in the cockpit with you I'll laugh
     Like all our little silly jokes that no one used to get
     Your screams for help Will fall on deaf ears, **don't you forget

Turning on the television I see what she wants
        Long enough to hear the click before I pick up the phone
  Channels change and the bigger picture gets lost in her hang ups
     I need to be alone
But the zone shes got me in I never am
     My hands are tied as she ropes me in
   Remote control sin at the push of a button
        My vision got hazy
From the haze and the hair in my face
        You push against as I push inside
            All I can see is your side of the story
    And all your plot holes and faults
        Crazy thing I love them all
     With your hands in my hair and your name on my mind
         Censor bars never got our time since you're fine and the only thing wrong is cents
        Dime?
   Ten pennies isnt right for your thousand dollar body
    At least I lease to own all of you
    This passion is a home with a roof of ****** energy
     Just proves your into me
  And when im over you
     The overview is 5 stars
I never paid mind to old reviews from broken hearts that owed to you
            I'll collect every nerve and deposit the right touch to every spot

           But ****, if not
I'll just watch TV til we both go off

Look I been try a get this **** straight
But it keeps changing up the pace
Once I got it think I've caught it
Something else is in my face
I'm a product of this stress
Got a baby on the way
But this ***** is known for lying
Could be real or could be fake
And on top of that
Didn't get to see Brandi graduate
Just got to see pictures of it
Knowing I didn't put that smile on her face
Its that dude she's in love with
I wonder how it tastes
Giving me a dose of my own medicine
It's setting in
Gotta put on my kevlar vest again
Let no one in
Take these sedatives
Just for good measure when your pain is pleasure is it a sin
To tear a hole in yourself so big you see through it
Making these movements going through the motions choosing
Like the outcome wasn't coming
How can I grow up when I'm from nothing
Reputation leads assumption to the forefront
Got these girls looking storefront
While I'm just wondering what these ****** want

Hey girl
       I caught you staring in the mirror again
       The same look of dissatisfaction painted clearly on your face
You look at your stomach and touch your waist
            Turn and look at your back with the same expression
       There may be wear and tear here and there, especially on your spirit, but that's not where you stare
          If you did you might see the most beautiful sight ever beheld by those big brown eyes
  
       See,
    A lot of men would see your thighs and to no surprise, try to get inside
      But I see your mind and what lies behind the obvious
           A question mark most would leave off the end of their sentence
            I could never forget it.
   I see the rocky road you've walked every time that we talk
        The gravel was never gentle on your soul
      But you continued until you came upon a house built from pain
  decided to stay and thought you'd be okay
      It slowly became a home where you grew into the furniture
    Your veins interlaced with fabric and every fabrication only wove you deeper
          And soon the drugs came to take you away only to fade and leave you to a fate stuck between these walls of abuse
    
                    I refuse
To let you go back
And even if you hate me now, I hope one day you'll understand and love me for that
                   See, I see a lot of things because I look past the mirror you fixate on
                    I've never had to see you as just a reflection
           But rather as perfection, because with every wrong direction you took to get to me it made the time we have together that much more meaningful
           And though your spirit may be bruised and tired, it refuses to give up,
It's gorgeous.
        


        
You've never had to see me as a reflection either. Every time you look at me, I'm anew. I'm not what's in a dusty mirror, and I'm not what's in a fading photograph. I'm a steady flame in your heart, and the most beautifully flawed smile I've ever seen. I could never thank you for all those small things you do without noticing. Nothing I write could touch upon the tip of the gratitude I hold in my heart for you. So I guess to come as close as I can in three simple words,

I love you.

Too alive to be allowed to live a lie
            I'm dry
    Even my tear ducts now subside
The rot inside me is so real
      Everything thats fake is how I feel
If I die with my truth laid out,
   Will you scream and shout I'm who you cared about?