How badly I want to curl up next to you
Is my own private issue.

You give me a brief smile
And I’m not certain what it means.
Should I stay for awhile?
Or go back to my daydreams?

Knowing you’re so close to me sets me on fire,
I struggle to control my own growing desire.

I move myself on the gym floor to just out of reach,
For inside of your bubble I’m afraid to breach.

Soon I’m surrounded,
We’re no longer alone.
I curse myself, confounded
With a scared wish to run home.

I hate that what I want from you
Is something you don't want to give me
I hate that I look at other faces
And I graphically dissect what ifs

I remember

the first time

you ran your thumb

over the scar

on my lower back.

You called me beautiful.

Don't talk back to me
Don't talk to him
Too much time with your friends
I need you now
Stay on the ground
Dress for me and me alone
Cover up outside
Come over
I am your home now
Don't question me
You need to learn your place
Don't leave me
You're all I have
You're all mine
Shut up and sit down
The hits
Accompanied by a kiss
How could you ever leave
Don't you think it's bittersweet
I will *******
I need you
I can't look at you
I love you
Can't you tell

Maybe he lost my number
Maybe he forgot where I live
Maybe he's out on vacation
Maybe he's ******* with classes
Maybe he had a relative die
Maybe his brother relapsed
Maybe he's... still sleeping
Maybe he has amnesia
             that would explain how
             he could just forget everything

I love the way you say my name with a partial whine
I love the way you laugh nervously because you aren't sure what to say
I love the way you look at me and my heart beat quickens
I love the way you poke me because you know I'm ticklish
I love the way you are brutally sarcastic like me
I love the way you don't give a **** about anyone else
I love the way you aren't afraid to do the things I'm terrified of

I love you for being you

I know a girl
Who sits behind a computer screen
Wondering if she's worth something

I know a girl
Who stares into space trying to think of reasons
Why people should care if she fades like the seasons

I know a girl
Who is broken more than she can comprehend
Who cuts and scars more when she tries to mend


I am a girl
Who could just cry -- I could just cry
When I see that maybe my words matter
Maybe there are people who like what I write

My hands just sit in my lap
Fidgeting with each other
Shoved in my sweatshirt pockets
Playing with my hair nervously
Tucked into my elbows with crossed arms
Grabbing onto my own body for stability
Retreated into my long sleeves

By day I am a smile and a laugh
Hair flipping, brightly chirping
By day I am the girl with makeshift answers
Good girl, everyone's shoulder to cry on

By night I am bleach and blades
Thoughts that pound their way finally out
By night I am angry and violent and sharp
Breathing in and out toxic waste I've bottled

I'm sorry when day and night blur
And during the day I come out
From my shell to burn
Not only my skin but yours too

In the quiet
I remember
The expression etched
Onto your face.
In the quiet
I remember
The words you always
Did say.
And then I
Scream.

You said you cared once
I wish you'd keep telling me that
Instead of *there's nothing I care about

I can feel my lust grow
Each time you say hello

How do you breathe so silent?
I grow more and more
labored in each breath.
I remember the days
you told me to never be like you.
Well I’m not. I’m certainly different,

possibly worse.

I miss you

Call me over

Pick me up

Let's drive off-road

In your truck

Bring me upstairs

To your room

Touch me again

Make me swoon

I dip my finger in the still water
the ripples move away like pulses

I step foot into a room
the people drift away from me like I'm diseased

I call out your name and can barely wave
'till you see me and flee

When you burn paper
It curls in
From the edges
Getting smaller
I am the opposite

Burning
Brightly unfurling
Growing
A mess
Carelessness at it's best

My thoughts are rubber

My words are cement


My thoughts grip me

and snap back

into my head full force

each time they try to escape


My words are concrete and imposing

I can't seem to take them back

no matter how hard I try

who would know
   burns so sweet
      stings like salt
         reach so deep
            head tipped back
        twisted little girl
who would know
   fingers curled tight
      red stains faded
         nails deeply embedded
            tooth shredded tongue
        broken little girl
who would know
    who would know
        do you know

Well then.
You have no reason to be an ***.

I feel like I am ruining a moment,
witnessing something I should not see.
I feel like an ink stain,
disrupting the story you have composed together.
I don't know what to do,
do I leave you alone,
do I stay or
do I go...

I'm tired of this game,
This late night game,
I don't want to play --
I know I shouldn't play.
But you make me feel
Like I'm being looked at,
Not laughed at, like I'm
Beautiful, **** for the
First time in forever.
I don't want to play,
Yet I keep initiating it.
I want to be the one you
Hold in your heart, but
I'm the pictures on your
Phone, and it sure as hell
Isn't me you're holding.

Didn't your mother ever tell you
It's not nice to break someone
Who's already broken


Didn't your mother ever tell you
Not to make promises
You can't keep


Didn't your mother ever tell you
Not to publicly humiliate
Girls for loving you

You looked at me like you were insulted I hadn't noticed,
when I asked what it was that you carried around your neck.
As you pulled the pendent out from under your shirt,
you said you'd been wearing it all week.
But I already knew.
I'd been staring at the cord it's on,
wanting to feel it between my fingers all week --
and have the dark hair on the back of your neck brush my hands.
I'd been seeing it for days from behind you and beside you.
I can't help but notice you constantly, hourly,
so of course I saw the black cord around your neck.

I can't touch you out of fear
I've been in this painful position before
And my already broken heart
Was partly why he walked out the door

So you want to forget?
You have a drink.
Or six.
So you want to get high?
You roll your own.
Light up.
So you want to feel alive?

All you little amateurs,
Let me show you.
Come join me
In my chemical chemistry factory,
Or my suicide surgical stand,
Homemade scalpel in my hand.
I can help you.

Run run run
Run away if you can
Stay stay stay
You've never done
You're the one with the trigger
But I'm at the end of the gun

Put myself in your line of fire
I want to bleed
Have you cut me so I blame you
I've sown my seed
Now you are the reaper
(Though it's my greed...)

I can't be any closer to you
You can't be further away
                    I just want time to freeze
                    I don't want anything but to stay
                                        Stay here
                                        With you
Look at me
While I pretend to be asleep
                    Resting on your shoulder
                    You holding my hand
                                        *Just stay

so ******* fractured
bloodshot eyes
casual lies
i'm okay, i'm okay
i'm fine i say
no one cares enough to notice
the marks on my wrists
the drawings in my sketch book
the title of my playlist
if my tears pool on the ground
and leak under my door
will you see
does anyone see
what my own thoughts do to me
i'm so **** unstable
so irreparable
it's a shame that i'm wasting all this oxygen
thought of cutting myself off today
but i'm so scared i always end up stoppin'
i wear black because i'm mo(u)rning
and hoping i won't see another
don't give me empty words of comfort
don't give me a warning
give me ******* medication
i sit with some copers
drinkers and dopers
oh how it ***** to be the first to come to
when they're still smokin' and drinkin'
and my thoughts are so blue
so i go straight back
breathing in anything i can
to escape the world
my head
my ******* head
for a few moments
before i come back
come to
and cry
like i am now
i dig at my skin
trying to reach something within
dark or light
anything to make me feel alright
stopping just before there's blood
because i'm already seein' red
i don't deserve tomorrow
only my ****** up yesterdays
make a new plan to carry out
i stumble and shake with regret for what i can't do
so ******* fractured
bloodshot eyes
casual lies
i'm okay, i'm okay
i'm fine i say
no one cares enough to notice
so i continue to medicate myself
melting brain cells
taking in all the smells

you are like sandpaper
i never stood a chance
you wear me down
everyday
i trip over my attempts
to satisfy
your needs
your desire
for something that was
never me
i can't fulfill your fantasies
i'm not from a dream
i'm from a nightmare

Raindrops hit my windowsill

I have screaming in both of my ears

I'm somewhere between wide awake and passed out

I am unblinking up at my ceiling

I forgot to how to feel

My mouth is slack and my eyes glass

My hands couldn't get a grip for the life of me

I'm surround by containers

My thoughts have stopped pounding

I can't remember what I wanted to forget

I'm sure that this is safety

I've never known anything more secure than this poison

I know that it's better than my own toxicity

I have my blade in my right hand ready when needed

I am used to needing to bleed just to double check

I'm not always sure I'm still alive

I hate myself for choosing this state over pain -- but

I don't want to come to my senses

I can tell it's already starting to wear off

I can hear from somewhere distantly close

Raindrops hit my windowsill

Why must I break everything I touch?

     Shatter every reflective anything
     Burn every hand that touches me
     Bite back at the hand that feeds me

Why must I be an accursed snake?

     Cold blooded and cruel
     Curled up with venum, waiting
     Lurking with distaste, hating

Why must I play both cat and mouse?

     Teasing, toying internally with myself
     Chasing dreams, hopes that get away
     Then running, searching for better days

The piano
The guitar
I've always been drawn to them
I remember
You had me up in your room
Wanting to show me
To strum for me
Introduce me to
The unknown
But I left you
For his piano
For his drums
While you tried
Desperately for me to
Listen to the cords that you played
When I finally looked back
When I decided to listen
You no longer wanted me to stay
As you took me home
I realized my mistake