i got defensive,
when someone told me they can relate that I am 'slightly' depressed
Just because I don't want to talk to anyone and these emotions are suppressed?
I don't have anything to confess.
but thanks for relating I guess
things arent easy to forget
I am suffocating.
I can't get you out of my head,
please go away.
So I can go back to my simple life,
the one without your smile,
without your brilliant blue eyes,
without your voice.
Why would God put you in my life...
if it wasn't meant to work between us?
The thought of your shiny blonde hair,
your mouth sliding in and out of mine.
I can't breathe.
I stay high,
so I don't have to feel you right.
I'd have to say I'm addicted,
I should stay away.
But these urges I can't fight.
I can't breathe
I am suffocating
Let this one stay
Don't take it away
Maybe I got swayed
But it's part of the play
For to keep people astray
Your magical spells awaits
Showman walks another way
The audience is left to sit amazed
Go home, the show has to terminate
Take all with you, feelings and your case
When I sit spell bounded, thinking of the magician who just ran away.
i hate so much you referred to be as pretending
as if dressing me as who i am is wrong
as if my name is a lie
i have been pretending to be who you say i am for years
but now that i come clean
i am so angry that this is all only a big deal because you know now
none of it mattered before you got a call from my school
it was whatever before it was brought to your attention
i have felt this way everyday for years
i have been who i am for years
i don’t know how to tell you that you aren’t helping
that you aren’t being supportive
if this were a phase
or just the teenage fever idea of being who i’m not
it would be different
but your words feel like knives
you keep telling me that how i feel about you and my life makes you feel bad
but think that for my mentality to get to that point how did you make me feel
i know that everything is not about me
this is all about you isn’t it
all the wasted time my wasted life is going to be
how you won’t let you kid be who he wants
how you would rather a daughter who feels robotic
a daughter that has no feelings
how you would rather your son pretend to be you daughter
you would rather your son feel disgusting and trapped
feel like an inconvenience
feel like all he will ever be is a burden
you would rather i fake who i am
answer to the name you forced upon me
live up to not your standards but your expectations
i know you say otherwise but i cannot feel that you want anything than for me to be your picture perfect daughter
that i need to succeed and be what you wished you had been before anything else
before my dreams, my expression, my happiness
you are never ready to tell the person who raised you that you would rather disappear then feel the way you do
but you are ready to play pretend about it until you blow up
i am so ready to pick up and leave
my darkest places are not places but times and actions
memories, the places in my mind
my darkest places are filled with blood and invisible scars
full of unadulterated fear
crying, screaming, fights i got dragged out of
places i’ve lived that i don’t remember
my nightmares that i now reiterate into art
my darkest places are dulled colors and the endless blue sky
my darkest place are the crowded hall and classrooms of my old middle school
my darkest places are the most brightly lit
by a burning sun and the lights of cop cars
they do not have the loudest music but the loudest voices
the darkest places for so many of us
come from smiling because no one noticed your long sleeves
laughing when you have a breakdown
being stone-faced watching someone fall apart
the darkest places come from faking being okay
blood pooling on your wrists is a very very dark place