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You were supposed to be my forever girl,  
the only person i’d ever write another poem about.  
Your slender fingers intertwined in mine,
making it impossible  
to write a single word
but it would always be worth it when I saw your eyes.

I thought we’d get married,
two white dresses standing out  against the autumn leaves.
But you never liked the breakfast club,
or neck deep  
and you laughed every time
I said I wanted to be a poet.  

It’s been a long time since I adored you,  
since I saw a future in your smile.  I’ve been watching pretty in pink,
something you thought
looked boring  
but i’m loving it.  

I still love you
but not in the way I used to;  
there’s no indie movie playing our story
like I had hoped once before  
but i’m finally alright with that.
When I was fourteen you caught my attention. We were on our way home from school, summer vacation on the horizon. You turned to me, your thighs sticking to the fake leather seats of the bus, and smiled. It was in that moment that I knew you would change my life.

That night we ate ice cream as the sun set and played dance dance revolution in your basement. I was all red cheeks and stutters, you were freckled cheeks and laughter. I swear I could’ve fallen in love with you right then.

It wasn’t long before we were inseparable. Days were spent in your room, safe from the world hidden behind closed blinds and air conditioning. Nights were spent at my house, laying on my trampoline staring at the stars, just close enough to touch but never brave enough to.

On July 1st we watched the fireworks at the park we both grew up at, I watched your face as the colours lit up the sky and in that moment I decided you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on. That night you tackled me to the ground, your face just inches above mine and I swore you were going to kiss me, but you never did. If I kissed you first maybe you wouldn’t be gone now.

When I was sixteen I told you I was in love with you, and you apologized because you didn’t love me back. I’ll never forget the feeling of my lungs deflating, it was like you took my feet out from under me and suddenly I was free falling.

After that night we stopped hanging out as much. You stopped asking me to stay the night, I pretended to stop thinking about kissing you, which eventually turned into actually not thinking about kissing you. But old habits die hard and sometimes I wish I would’ve taken the chance when I had it.

On long summer days beside your pool. On cold nights when we huddled together for warmth, your legs tangled in mine. If I had kissed you would you have kissed me back? If I never mistook your kindness for love would you still be mine to adore?
Positivity and morality are running low, not a whole lot I can do
I don't know for sure but my future cannot be completely thought through
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a fading light that's barely glowing
Each day becomes slower, I wonder if it'll keep going

How do others do it? Continue to smile even when everything's wrong?
I don't understand how you continue to act and sing along
Even though everything clearly no longer matters
I can no longer hear myself above this chatter

Positivity keeps people alive, right?
Yeah, I guess I'll last until tonight
Maybe I'll continue for a few more days
Give me the strength to think of some different ways

I can't keep this up for much longer
Even though if I do, I'll become so much stronger
I don't know how to feel anything anymore
But to keep others happy, all the feelings I can't feel, I'll ignore
Growing up my mother taught me
How to drink until you don’t feel pain anymore
She taught me how many calories were in an apple
And that the only way men would love you
Was if you were skinny
And kept your mouth shut

My father taught me how to hold a grudge
That’s too big for one person to carry
He taught me that words mean nothing
Promises will only leave you disappointed
That they’re never going to show up if you’re waiting for them to

I grew up thinking pain and love were synonymous
Sometimes I forget that they’re not
There is no forever,
Only for now

Someday love will grow tired of you
And leave you for her boss
Love will grow tired of waiting
And marry the first person that shows up
Because isn’t settling better than being alone?

When I was a child I believed love never died
It didn’t take long for me to learn
That love was never alive to begin with
It’s an object used to fill the empty spaces inside of you
So you might feel whole again
If even just for a moment
Until the magic wears off
And you move onto the next one
Rahul Nov 21
When I see you,
I see nothing.
Not the stars,
neither the moon.
Are there clouds?
Any blue?
I can hardly say.

You're made of nothingness,
in my head.
Just a huge hollow void
of absolute emptiness.
In person, you were pretty.
But I do not remember,
neither the skin
nor the words,
but I do remember
calling you beautiful,
in my head.

In my head, though
you're more beautiful,
the sheer nothingness.
All over me like
a starless sky
on a drunken night,
when the woods stumble,
and the chair can't hold still.
All over my floor,
like crumbled pieces
of blank pages,
that scream dead poems.

You remind me of a diary,
that stinks in my closet.
so beautiful,
I was afraid to touch.
I never scribbled a word,
not even a smudge of ink,
untouched and flawless
and pointless.

In person, you aren't
that beautiful.
I do not want to touch you,
so maybe
I'll leave us undone,
because if I don't,
I'll lose the nothingness in you,
in my head
I'll have a face and a voice,
an image, a lady,
and maybe love
but mortality.

Absolutely nothing could set me apart from the rest of the world
But each and every thought of mine has unfurled
I cannot believe I could see before, my eyes are blurred
It's like being drunk in eyesight, all my words are slurred

There's nothing all that special about me, I'm not important
I do not mean to be insensitive, I'm just being blunt
I cannot see beyond my future, I see only a blank slate
Even if there's nothing there, it's such a tiresome weight

Absolutely nothing makes me special, not one thing
But I still cannot help myself, I find that I cling
The people who tell me I'm different are lying
I'm absolutely nothing, endlessly sighing

There are several burdening weights atop my shoulders
The mental weight is heavier than one thousand boulders
I can feel them slowly pushing me down
Soon enough, I'll have a mental breakdown

Absolutely nothing is all I'll ever be, let's face it
Forever I'll be here, suffering, I'll never quit
There's still something I'm missing, I'm positive
My thoughts and voice are holding me captive
Dark eyes, like a river of black and the smallest white reflections, cannot be seen
Why do I find myself there, in your cold eyes, where it's barren and I find myself lost in between
All those bright colors you're missing, I feel bad that you cannot see anything besides black and white
I'm sure that someone told you that seeing those two colors only is alright

Even in your dark eyes, I'm sure I can find a brighter color, I swear
I love to get lost in those fragile doe eyes, but it's more than just cold there
Your dark eyes scream for more than just help, they scream save me
Each time I try to though, I drift farther and farther out to sea
I feel like I'm made of cheap glass
I have no purpose, I'm not of high class
And even though I'm of no use
That will never make a good excuse

Pardon my outburst, I'm containing my thoughts
And each one that goes can never be caught
They all burst from my mind like a brilliant volcano
Each one setting off a light and faint glow

I feel like I'm absolutely fake
I put on a smile because if I'm happy, that's all it takes
It doesn't hurt them if I'm sad, no one even cares
Because when I'm sad, they just feel the need to stare

I don't pay attention to them because I know deep in my mind
All of them have no idea of the things I think of, they're blind
Each thought darker than the last
Remembering all the bad times in the past

Each thought bubbles up and creates paranoia
Each one branches out like a giant sequoia
I hate each and every one for they swarm me like flies
I can't explain how much it hurts, but each sharp sting of pain I despise
She's there, slouching slightly, tall and lean, her eyes like lapis
Who can't fall in love with her? I feel like it's impossible
Her short hair dyed like an ocean in the moonlight, her sparkling smile
Her light voice and her face dappled with small freckles

She can't see it, but she's absolutely beautiful
Literally everything about her, she's amazing
She's the best person in the world, she's perfect
I could describe her endlessly

She feels like dying everyday and it physically hurts me
No one that nice or beautiful should feel like that
Why would someone so perfect want to end her own life?
How did she come to hate herself this way?
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