I was finally tired of getting harassed
By all the White Supremacists
In my Denver neighborhood,
I knew that the Democrats had experienced
A resounding defeat in the 2016 Presidential Election
And these White Supremacists had been empowered.
What was I to do?
I finally decided, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join 'em,”
And decided to order an Authentic Nazi Uniform on Etsy
To fit in the new Social Order.
I received it in the mail on a Tuesday morning
And put it on without even washing it,
Deciding to wear it that day,
Just to be safe on the streets,
But the response I received was unexpected.
When walking down 13th Avenue,
I bumped into Sandra Cisneros,
I always thought that Sandra was really hot,
But she usually didn’t say too much to me
'Cause she thought that I was a Square.
“Lookin’ really sexy in that Uniform, Dan.”
“Why don’t you come to my place so I can teach you a bit about life?”
I got jittery.
I didn’t want to get too heavily involved with Sandra right NOW
With Donald Trump coming into the White House!
I bought that Nazi Uniform
So, the White Supremacists wouldn’t HARASS me.
If I had a Hot-Looking
The Skinheads would probably beat me up on the Street!
“I’m sorry, Sandra,” I told her.
“The White Supremacists are ruling the United States now”
“If I hang out with you,”
“They’ll accuse me of being a Mexican-Lover,”
“And beat me up.”
But Sandra was unrelenting.
She had a strange,
Sexual attraction to me
Based on the Nazi Uniform I was wearing.
“But that Uniform is really TURNING ME ON, Dan!”
“I want to show you the meaning of love!”
“My vagina is getting wet just thinking about it!”
“I’m all hot!”
At that point, Sandra Cisneros grabbed me
On the corner of 13th and Ogden,
And started ripping off the buttons of my Nazi Uniform
Right there on the Sidewalk!
She was really sexually aggressive!
It was terrifying!
Sandra was gonna’ rape me
Right there in broad daylight
On 13th Avenue.
I guess Donald Trump,
And his friend,
Had a point about
“The Mexican Rape Culture”
I broke away from Sandra,
By stripping off my Nazi Uniform,
Throwing it in the middle of 13th Avenue,
I ran towards the Police Station
On 16th and Clarkson wearing nothing but my underwear
I was greeted by Officer Joe Teeter,
The Friendly Neighborhood Cop,
Who I knew from our chats
When he worked off-duty
As a Security guard
At the neighborhood Whole Foods.
“Why aren’t you wearing any clothes on such a cold night, Dan?” Joe asked
I couldn’t tell Joe the Truth……
That I had purchased a Nazi Uniform on Etsy
And started wearing it on 13th Avenue
So I wouldn’t get attacked by racists.
He just wouldn’t understand my reasoning.
So, I lied.
“Those White Supremacists tried to rape me, Joe!”
“They took off all my clothes”
“And were about to give it to me”
“Up my butt.”
Joe was definitely concerned about me.
“We talked about this at Whole Foods.”
“A lot of those White Supremacists are closet-case Gays.”
“They can get really aggressive….”
“Especially with Jewish People.”
“You need to watch yourself out there.”
“Here, we’ll put you in an old Police Uniform”
“Until you get home."