as realization hits
i am gone
drifting away
to that terrible place
where i've begun to feel at home

i thought we were
on the same page
now i see my heart
has been playing tricks on me

ignorance was bliss
now i'm well aware of it

never have you ever
been anyone's everything
i say quietly to myself
never will anyone ever love you more
there will always be a her

always second best
never good enough
never her

Snowflakes fall to the earth like suicide jumpers.
And I laugh because if I don't I have to listen to the silence.
Or worse.
And I laugh because I don't want to hear myself crying.

Waiting for icicles to form, and splinter, and crack under their own weight --
These are the games that plague souls;
Wishing away the snow with feet planted in blizzards,
Staring at the moon and trying to bathe in the last dripping morsels of sunlight shining onto the earth.

I lay buried so far beneath laughter and snowflakes that I am too cold to touch.
Touch me and scatter the blisters on my tongue,
For words are only dipped in honey, but it cannot hide the hollows inside.

And here I am, like a snowflake.

It feels like betrayal to say your name
     So I don't
          I don't say it out loud
               I don't identify you
                    It feels crooked
                         It feels wrong
                    To maintain normalcy
               I spit it out
         It feels acidic
     After choking it down
I want to be here
    I'm addicted to you
         But saying your name
              When it was his too
                   Isn't a romantic confession
                        Just an adulterous taboo

Sometimes I wonder
if you think of me,
in your bedroom,
while you're jerking off
to *******.

Andrew, Andrew
Stop letting me draw parallels between you two

Your name
Your parking spot
Your hair
Your glasses, sort of

Andrew, Andrew
Stop letting me draw parallels between you two

Staring at you in AP Chemistry (even though I'm still not in it)
Silly little cartoons on notes that make me smile
You stopping after Spanish 3
Your taste in anime and games

Andrew, Andrew
Stop letting me draw parallels between you two

Driving me home
Driving me insane with your poetry
Awake at all hours
Toying with my wants, desires

Andrew, Andrew
Stop letting me draw parallels between you two --
Be the one to follow through

Don't fall for me.
I won't even see you when you stare,
Never mind catch you when you fall.

Don't fall for me.
Because I'm not the air rushing past your face,
I'm the cold, hard slap when you hit the dirt.

Don't fall for me.
Love songs and serenades only meet my deaf ears,
Mountain top shouts, the result'd bring you to tears.


Don't fall for me.
I'm not the type to notice,
I'm not the type to feel the same.

I'm so glad you never knew me then,
When I wrote out my pain
With more than my pen.
Bravado and brandy,
Always going dancing.
It was fun until it wasn't.
I was fun until I wasn't.
I was young until I wasn't.
I'm trying to de-age,
Find some youth,
Grasp some juvenile joviality,
Iron out the wrinkles despair and desperation
Have etched into my face.
I wonder if I met you then,
Would we have ended in the same place?
I was sprinting in a marathon of my own design.
I know you could have kept pace
But would we have had the time?
You say you would have died
And that means I'm meant for you.
But are you sure that loving me,
Even in the Now,
Isn't killing you too?

I shiver
here
in this foreign, drafty room -
so sleepy -
feeling hollow,
alone and empty,
my thoughts drift to you.

Inside this ballroom,
off in the corner,
I feel my face start to
flush and flame,
and from my heart,
warmth start to radiate.
No longer cold but smiling.

All from
the simple thought
of you.

Home wrecker
Home wrecker
Is that what I am
Or are rumors just rumors

Slutty flirt
Slutty flirt
Is that what I am
Or am I just self absorbed

Your enemy
Your enemy
Is that what I am
Or did I have nothing to do with it

Please close your eyes, close your eyes
I can't bare to be looked at in the light

If you can't see beyond the silhouette of a personality then you can't judge the soul
Who could I be that you would love me
Who could I be that  I  would love me
All I can control is the pose and the poise being lent to my silhouette

Whisper songs in a broken tune
From him to me, from me to you
From us to them the cycle goes
None if it is mutual, or so I'm told

Colors don't matter when you're in the dark
Lipstick stains are scattered, leaving waxy marks
You laugh and I wince praying you can't see
Don't notice the anxiety sweating off of me

As long as the lights are dim I can play this foolish game
But turn them on and I shall melt and fall again

"Forever?"* is too long;
"Love me?" is too difficult;
"Stay?" is too needy;
"Hold me?" is too awkward...

Some how my questions are always wrong,
I just want to regain the love that I once felt;
But I'm left with broken bones and broken heart on the ground pleading,
And he dusts himself off, walking away telling me to *"keep going onward."

Second choice
Stand in
Stunt double
I can't do this anymore
You look at me and think of her

I gotta get outta here
Can't do this to myself
This was my greatest fear
That you'd love someone else

I was alone, outside, apart, my back to everyone.
He came up behind me, I could feel his warm breath on my neck it made me close my eyes.
As he started to touch me, I tensed up.
He laughed and said we all ways have fun, for him I guess that's true.
My body burned with his touch, but not in a good way.
He lead me away - completely numb, compliant, submissive.
I am too afraid to leave; part of me knows I deserve this.
When you are raised to be an object, how do you find a voice?
I can barely utter please, stop, and he laughs again, he knows he has me trapped beneath him.
I hate myself for this, over and over again.
Same story, different guy, it will never end.
How can I grow past pain, past fear, when it is continually inflicted?

Oh father,
Won't you see me?
I am your daughter,
And I've tried everything.
I know you never wanted
A little girl to love, to hold,
But please don't ignore me.
Just saying occasional hellos isn't
The same relationship you have with your son.
I just hope you can love me before my life is done.

I want someone to look me in the eyes
like nothing else matters

I want to wake up to him
or a text from him or something more
than the empty feeling in my chest

I want someone to share random thoughts with

I want him to pull me into
his jacket and zip us up inside

I want to talk to someone
about theories, ethics, words,
the universe and more

I want someone to call me at one in the morning
and tell me to look at Polaris

I want him to pick me up unexpectedly
and make me laugh hysterically until I snort

I want someone to trade literature with,
sleep in with, cuddle with

I want someone to miss me when we're apart

(maybe i'm a mistake)
mistake
mistakes happen all the time

just erase them and they'll be gone
erase the mistake
erase it
erase her
(erase me)

i wonder what being erased feels like
to feel nothing
but not in this way
this poisonous way
this painful way
of feeling nothing

i wonder what it feels like to be nothing
but not dirt nothing
not sludge nothing
not this nothing that stings

i wonder where the nothings go
where the mistakes go
when they're erased

i have to stop running
i run from the right things
and to the wrong thing
or is it to the right things
and away from the wrong things

it's hard to tell
when everything is in motion

can't we press pause
someone press pause
please
someone just press pause

i am spinning and falling
but i don't hit the ground
the dirt
(i am the dirt)

i just keep spinning
and i flip over and over
without touching anything
without stopping
without pausing
(someone stop me)

i keep running
(make me stop
make me sit tight
and stay in one place
make me fixed
not a mistake)

(erase me
erase me and replace me)

replace (me) with the correct thing
the right thing
the finally-makes-sense thing
the feels-right thing
the safe thing
the not-so-crazy thing
the stable thing

(erase me
and send me
to the place the nothings go.)

Dead and alone
Needy as ****
Someone please help me
I'm losing my luck

This is the other me
        The fake me
                The real me
                        The screaming
                The crying
        The Chain Smoking Cigarettes so I can Hurry Up Dying

Bitterly Hopeless
Sweetly Toxic
Maybe if I stare enough
You'll finally   u n l o c k   it
The secret I've buried
The one that I wish I had never seen
The secret I've carried
I spill my veins on the floor,   u n c l e a n
Hoping my insides Drown Me
Praying you forgot the key
Because you know what I know
The lie that I told
It's Rotted And Empty
Hollow like my head could be
So hurry, run, go
Before you understand

The Worst Part
           None of it was real
I'm just
           Me  .

You know what?
Two days ago?
That last picture of me?
That's all you're getting.
I'm setting myself free.

I'm just tired. Of everything.

Lay your head on my shoulder and rest

Kind and tender offer, truly touches my heart, but my head is too heavy a burden for me to rest on anyone.

I will take that burden as I hold my own. If I were Atlas the Titan holding the sky above I would still take that weight

You are beautiful.
Please don't stop being beautiful, love.
I no longer have a sky,
But you make me want to rebuild mine.
If only a piece.
You are a star,
Shining at night.
You are a lamp,
Shedding some light.
You are a hope,
Making me want to fight.
Want to fight.
But to weak to stand.

I will be your shoulder to cry on
I will be your arm to lean on
I will hold your hand when things get rough
I will light the way in your darkest times
I will be here to the end

I just want to cry but the tears won't come.

Why cry darling? You have no reason to shed tears

I'm so broken, ***, I'm two shards away from gone.

I can be the glue that holds you together. < holds you close > I will be here

Glue always seems to wash away with me
< curls into a ball >

Then I'm industrial welding. I'll be here for as long as you need and longer

Darling... you are a lovely piece of humanity, never lose that about you.

*Please just hang on [my real name]. I couldn't bear losing you.

How badly I want to curl up next to you
Is my own private issue.

You give me a brief smile
And I’m not certain what it means.
Should I stay for awhile?
Or go back to my daydreams?

Knowing you’re so close to me sets me on fire,
I struggle to control my own growing desire.

I move myself on the gym floor to just out of reach,
For inside of your bubble I’m afraid to breach.

Soon I’m surrounded,
We’re no longer alone.
I curse myself, confounded
With a scared wish to run home.