Armor can
stop knives
but some things
cut deeper
than they ever could.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Vertigo
beneath the moons shadow
rough rope gripped
between trembling fingers
spinning stars
silence
a solitary wind teased my face
toes brushed dew-gilded ground

I leaned backwards
as if folding into the silky embrace
of darkness
eyes closed
the nearest my wingless form
could get to soaring

Slipping back to earth
I took a flying leap
throwing myself onto the
mere slip of a swing
breathless
weightless
the world tilted like an axis off kilter

There, in the stillness of the moment
I feasted my gaze on the way
the trees reached upward
as if they too, were searching
for something

Reality, right then, felt fragile
I dared not blink
for fear of breaking the spell
nothing existed outside
blinking fireflies
the wind as it enfolded around me
and I
gorging to gain the weight
my soul had lost.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Don't discard me
like a seashell
with a blemish
yes
I'm cracking
of course
I'm crumbling
no amount of polishing
will sand away the bits
of me
you'd rather not deal with

Again
and
again
I am picked up
examined
and thrown away
always falling short
never the right shade
or shape

Forlorn
in the sand I await
unable to unsee
everyone
but
me
being chosen

One day
as the sun sets
I let myself release the childish
dream
that I was enough for
them
that they were enough
for
me.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

When the tears spring to my eyes like a salty mist
this is where I go
where I stay
All my thoughts and feelings pour out into words
bleeding and transforming that which is
untouchable
into something tangible
For though I long to scream, to shout, to cry
a small creature within holds me back
and I don't know what it is
What is this beast that slumbers inside?
I find myself an anomaly I cannot understand
and wonder if others think the same

They say I am harsh, cold, and mean
and I know, I know what I am
but something small and tender
aching and afraid
urges me to unleash my claws in a desperate attempt to
defend my heart
It is impossible to ignore, because it abides
deep in my bones
and when I was young and starry eyed
I used to tell myself it was okay
but its not
it never was
When life becomes hard, I do too
and I am sorry, ever so sorry for those who unleash
their own claws on me
for they will find a whirlwind of steely fangs and ire
bursting to the brim with ferocity

I am broken, splintered, ever so weathered
from what life has thrown at me
I see now that it isn't about
surviving
Its about living
But how can I call this living when all the softness
I used to see in this world
is gone?

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

I am becoming
awakening
stirring the flames that I subdued for you
cultivating the embers
that ate away at my innards

When did I allow
my fangs to produce honey
when venom was what I needed
to stand up for myself?

Too long I’ve tarried
in the shadows
shedding one skin only to don another
caught between a disguise of who I am
and who they want me to be

Esther L. Krenzin

I'll crumble to dust
if you lean on me
any longer
I am but an sapling
that was forced to grow
before its time
a flower that bloomed
out of season
and withered before it
could blossom.
Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

I hiss and withdraw
lacerated
to the core
retreating behind my thicket
of thorns
fangs bared against
beleaguered attempts
to shred the serendipity
I've fought relentlessly
to nurture.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Placed in earth
corroded with poison
they expect me to bloom
as the other flowers do.
Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

My story is filled with blotted ink
from the tears that so freely fell
Ensnared behind my closed mouth
words form and then rebel
Hands bleed with the need to write
but the pen has long been dry
Sometimes I wonder if
it has always been a lie
Then what is this
that flows through my veins?
Forged from silver
held back by chains
I do not see blood
only unformed murmurs
Mere fragments of the thoughts
buried beneath the armor
And if you tore me open
all you will ever find
Is blank paper
torn pages
and ink run dry.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

What is this heaviness that lingers
in my bones
take it away, God,
if you're even there
grant me reprieve
or at least
a chance to breathe again
I called out to you
in the depths of my despair
but was sequestered
in the blues and grays
For just as the trees respond
to an exhale of wind
I expected a answer
from you
forgetting for an instant
to don my leather regalia
and so I payed
the price in full.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Sometimes I can't be anything but sad.
I don't want to find a reason, or try
to find the light,
I just want to feel,
and allow the truth of reality to sink in.
I'm scared of what the future will be,
and what else I'll have to go through.
I'm exhausted, tired of enduring,
pushing on,
surviving.
I feel old, ever so old,
centuries lived, centuries weathered.
The intensity of it hits me hard,
and I gasp from the sheer feeling of it.
I can't breathe, can't move,
only let the sobs pummel me again,
again,
and again.
I only let it out when I'm alone
with my shadow,
No peering eyes, no sympathy,
just me and my sorrow.
And as I sit there, I wonder what I'll be
like years from now.
Still broken?
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

I am what I fear
I am my own demise
the very force that splits marrow
and thins blood
I am the choking that comes
with the clash of sorrow
and brine

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Claw apart my flesh
to reveal a bleeding heart
Peel me open
to show what is falling apart
Stoked flame burns
brighter than trampled coals
Turn me to ashes
to crumbling charcoal
Once drowning
now buried in storms
A star shines brighter
fractured light reformed.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

My body goes to such lengths
to part the waters and reveal
the war I fight against myself
Cruel words and battle scars collect
storing themselves in muscles
weary from strain
The typhoon building in my heart
has rose to a crescendo
pummeling against my walls
again
again
again
Suddenly, I long for solace
for blood to spill
and words to form
But whatever is within
locks itself away in my throat
lingering like a afterthought
Beaten and preyed upon
by it's own command
my body decays as my
mind runs
rampant.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

My friends call me a *******
laughing all the while
they think it is amusing
because they do not know it
to be true

So I laugh along with them
"How did you know?"
inwardly hoping for them
to look closer
see clearer
past the veil of my own design

But
they
don't
so we carry on with this ruse
and even if the words were dusted
in sugar
it would still sting

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

With just a few words
you crush me to smithereens
taking and taking without giving
anything in return
Even as something in my chest
collapses
Even as I feel my walls crumble
nothing can halt the sting of hurt
that follows you
You handle words like a double-edged
blade
a prodigy in the art of inflicting
pain
Spitting acid into the air between
it collects beneath my flesh and
eats away at me from within
So I summon shields of wintery smiles
and icy eyes
in the futile hope it will ensconce
bandaged bruises
I make myself stand tall before you
unflinching
unrelenting
and unexpecting.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

It is not weak to yield
nor is it courageous
to rely on subterfuge
Speaking your inner truth
comes from daring to brave
eye rolls
shaking of heads
and mouths that smile yet
form cruel sentences all the same
You'll bleed
dripping perspiration
oozing all the love
you cannot find
Just when it seems as if
the sun is obscured by clouds
you get to your feet
tense muscles unclenching
utterly at the mercy
of all the light
you are just now starting to see.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Remember that have to nurture your own light
before it can shine
Even if you are empty
even if there is no one to hold your hand
You'll find that a different kind of strength
comes from what you go through
alone.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

A little girl danced to a song
her world small and nothing wrong
And in that instant she knew that she
a dancer she would always be
Her dream since the tender age of five
she knew that she must work and strive
Stumbling, falling, she fell to the ground
hurting herself severely she found
Years later it was all just a dream
everything went back to normal it seemed
And then one day she hurt it again
but still she pushed on and didn't let it win.

For long months she endured and toiled
the pain refusing to be foiled
They all tried to make it heal
but it wouldn't, and her fate it sealed
Keeping it hidden from everyone close
even the ones she loved the most
For she was scared and very angry
didn't want to lose her dream you see
When it was all too much to shoulder
she caved in and the world turned colder.

They told her she would have to quite
her heart a candle no longer lit
She stopped breathing as the world froze
blinking numbly she arose
Sitting backstage as her music played
mutely staring as the future was made
And then the music ended
and all the dancers ascended
As she sat thinking, "is this real?"
"Why God? I just want it to heal."
Tears frozen in her eyes
as she desperately wished it was lies
Picking up a flower from the floor
all that was left of what was before.

Holding herself alone at night
the crying girl a broken sight
Losing her dream was the hardest thing
her voice she found no longer sang
What would she do now that its gone?
a uncaring façade she would have to don
All that was left was memories
she wished the unending pain would just cease
The poor little girl learned to soon
that the world was harsh and full of gloom
The hardened girl still remembers
a life she had, now ashes and embers.

She'll never forget but she will let go
telling her precious dream farewell
To this day it still hurts
but she's stronger now when it wont desert
I know this girl very deeply
because you see
its really
me.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

We are all dreamers
in a world of slumber.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Why is it so hard to breathe
with feet planted on dry land?
What chains itself tight in
our throats?
Can you flee until your limbs
snap?
Can you run from the raindrops
before they fall?
Maybe one day the sun will shine
on a candid smile
Maybe on day we won't feel as if we
are tossed about in dark waters
And maybe, one day, we will feel at home
on dry land.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Sometimes I think you look at me
and see an empty cup
lacking in every quality
you desire to see
So you pour from your own
trying to fill mine to the brim
what you don't realize is that
I'll never
be full in your eyes
there will always be a drop
or three missing
so don't waste your precious water on
me
I'll never
be enough
to satisfy
you.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

A fragile shell of what once was,
decimated beyond comprehension.
Shards of a old life slipping away,
into the silent empty space.

Memories of loved ones,
eluding desperate hands that reach and seek--
For what is buried beneath the dust.

Submerged in perpetual darkness,
the stars have lost their light,
the moon has lost its glow.
Every infinitesimal shard of your very essence,
is engulfed in the empty space.

The empty space that exists outside time,
awareness,
and matter;
Hides in the desolate corners of your mind.

A invisible fog covers your soul,
stealing it away like a thief in the night.
And you are left unreachable,
a blank page in a book full of blotted ink.

The ones who loved you with every breath in their lungs,
surround and overwhelm with tear filled eyes.
Utterly helpless as you disappear.

Years pass,
and
you
Fade.
Vanish.
Evaporate into the empty sky.
Dead to yourself.
Dead to the world.
Dead to the ones who loved you most.

And though your gone, an empty space lingers in your wake.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

I don't think I'll ever get accustomed  
to seeing your lifeless corpse
every nerve screams for me
to shake that frail frame

For a moment
I let myself
envision your eyes opening
and smiling up at me
but they remain closed
and all I can do is watch
myself fall to pieces.
Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

When someone breaks your trust
you'll never forget
But if you let it scar
if you let it toughen
your edges
The only person you'll hurt is
yourself
So even though it stings
even though its hard
Forgive
And be wary against further bruising.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

I feel it all so deeply
that it hangs from my neck
like an unmarked tombstone
I've tried to bury it in
one too many drinks
instead
they quenched the embers
sparking in my gut
so I get drunk on gasoline
hoping to match fire, with fire
fumbling hands shoving matches
down my throat
swallowing them whole
consuming that which burns so bright
within me
and even after I catch ablaze
I still feel it all too deeply.

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

Sitting alone with the stars
I wait
For the last minutes of today
to fade into tomorrow
Turning what felt so precious
to memories
I remember the nights spent on the rooftop
caterwauling to the stars
and ache a little more
Everything reminds me of when we
had sock races across the slippery floor
Danced in the sky
fought battles with swords of leaves
Lay underneath a ceiling of blankets
and got tipsy on caffeine
That which cannot be tangible
feels like a knife to the heart
And as I wave goodbye
to the retreating light
tears start to pour from unblinking eyes
I stare motionless as it disappears
into the night
Quiescent as my body shakes from the cold
I cannot feel
Life is full of goodbyes it seems
and nothing lasts forever
But just this once I wish it would
just this once I would turn back time
To have a few more minutes of oblivion
even a few seconds
But time waits for no man
and no man waits for time
That is what you would say, isn't it?
They say that time has no beginning
and no end
But this feels final
this feels like the end to something
I will never have again.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Such an fierce yet kind-hearted soul
you grew your own little world
one made of flowers and ferns
that responded like the unfurling wings
of a butterfly
straining for sunlight and warmth

You've touched so many hearts
held so many hands
mother
daughter
sister
friend
you've claimed your spot in our lives

Even as I stare ar your face--
so worn from burdens
so lined with laughter--
a glimmer of the woman you were
peeks through the cracks of your eyes

Squeezing
clenching
gently grasping your hand that so lovingly
tended to your own
an mere murmur of your former glory
remains

Loved ones flock
shaking under the weight of your death
distant beeping of machinery
mocking our attempts to hold on to you
if only for a little longer

"Don't leave," I inwardly beg
your lashes flutter
as if in response to my plea
I clench my fists but it's no use
you choke but never falter
my mother singing while you gasp

Red lights
whirring machines
as you
breathe
your last
I taste salt
it lingers in the air
and I think
it always will.

Esther Krenzin
Roguesong

Some people wear their hearts
on a string around their neck
while others cut that string
and shove it into their pockets
to pull out
and put away
as they please.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-

Hold me up
I can't stand on my own
don't let me down
when I need you now.

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

You reeled me in
from the depths of where I hid
coaxing honey and venom
from split lips
like poetry.

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

I wasn't lesser
no
that was never how you said it
there was just nothing more to me
then what met the eye

You singed bridges
cut ties
left me alone with nowhere to run
when I left myself bare to you
naked
wholly exposed
and you took my brokenness
and threw it at my feet

Yet,
I blame myself for your absence
"If I had just..."
I whisper
"Than we wouldn't be right here."
"We would be happy."
But happy, is not a word I understand
and sometimes
I think I never will.