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Esther L Krenzin Jan 2019
Its okay to cry
they say
again and again
But no matter how many times I hear it
it never feels true
Because I can't show that vulnerable
part of me
This raging salty storm within
gets caught in my throat
and words cannot form
So I grit my teeth
clench my fists
and paint my flesh with bruises
Anything to make it go away
anything to keep the tears
swimming in the depths of my eyes.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
i know that you see yourself
as a jigsaw puzzle
that will never truly be assembled
but braveheart
life is about gaining those missing pieces
and losing them in turn
so be complete in knowing
that you are incomplete.
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Apr 2019
Brick by brick
stone by stone
I have built myself up
denying the inevitable
that all things
great
and small
fall
when it is their time
that mortality is the flutter
of a moth
so brief and sudden
fleeting even
an elusive thief we avoid
until it robs our home
and there are no riches that can
buy the hand of death
it strikes as it pleases
reaps those who sow
and sows those who reap.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
you thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore
it wasn’t supposed to
when they took advantage of you again
or stabbed you in the back
but no matter how many times you built up your wall
it was never thick enough to stop the knife

-Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
i know you
better than you know yourself
i have been here since the beginning
when you first entered the world
fresh from your mothers womb
i was with you
when you threw yourself at my feet
and beat the ground with your fists
i have been with you
all the times you wept on cool tile floors
wondering so desperately what went wrong
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Mar 2019
I catch a glimpse of myself
in everything
a miniscule glimmer
a tinkling whisper that floats into
my consciousness
I see it in wild beasts
who flash a feral grin
I see it in the wind
as it tears across the trees
It is even in the sun
when it folds into the horizon
"Like calls to like"
Some say
and believe it to be true
Clenched fists
choked laughs
trembling lips
A ravaged piece of me contracts
at the aching heart I know
is within that beautiful exterior
Perhaps, deep down, our soul is sewn
of the same material
Perhaps there is a single stitch
that binds us together
And all it takes is a single
snip
to cleave it in two.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
What brings us together?
What tears us apart?
Esther L Krenzin Mar 2021
one day
you will realize
that they are never coming back
and that will be the day
you finally grieve

Esther l. Krenzin
they’ve left for good
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2021
like a flower
straining for the sun
my petals are lifting
towards your warmth
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
love is a desperate plunge
into the unknown
it is baring the softest parts
of yourself
in trust they won’t be abused
it may be the most reckless act
to love someone so completely
you forget you were whole
before they came along

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Jun 2019
"Love is kind
love is gentle
love is cruel."
Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong
Mom
Esther L Krenzin Apr 2019
Mom
Who cares for you Mom, when you
cry alone?
You give and you give
so much
to your children
and to all who are fortunate enough
to cross your path

But what about you, Mom?
Who holds your hand when your shoulders shake
from the strain
of getting up
and moving on
even when all you want to do is curl up
and have one more minute
before facing the day

Its okay Mom, sit down for a bit
take that breath you needed
you don't have to be strong all the time
why should you, when your in
the deep end
flailing for peace
clawing for acceptance
and fighting to find the meaning
behind
every
blow
that's dealt

Your dreams, something to cherish in
quiet moments
have been shoved to the bottom of your
starving soul
for so long
you cannot hear their screams anymore

What I would give to heal your wounds
and take away the heartbreak
for you deserve to sing until
like a balm
it soothes away internal festering

"Chin up," they say, "You are brave."
Well I say, "Head down, dear one."
"There is bravery in the strength it takes
to show that you are hurting."

So Mom, when you are struggling
to deal with a unending sea
of pain
close your eyes
breath in
and out
wade into the dark waters
and let
the healing
begin.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
To Mom. Who is the strongest woman I know. Who has faced death, and pain and loss. Yet she is still standing. To all the brave mothers out there.
You are seen.
You are appreciated.
And you are loved.
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2019
mother
we are cut from the same cloth
you and i
we do not know how to be anything but
the giver
the helper
the lover
who bends over backwards
with no fuel
we split ourselves open for others
and wonder why it stings
when we sew ourselves up again.

Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Mar 2019
Does the past stalk us for a
reason?
Or is all this turmoil just a
season?
Eyes turned inward to what's
now behind
Adversity won over in the pull of
time
Dwelling on imprints of paths long
walked
Move onward, dear one, no need to
balk
Those days are done, those suns have
set
Take steps forward, don't live
to regret.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
oh lord
i promise to be good
and true to my word
i promise to look people in the eye
and treat them with the respect they deserve
i promise to try harder
be stronger
and less fragile
grant me this plea
this prayer in the stillness of my heart
just give me one more day to live
one last chance to see the sun set
one final chance to make amends
and say all that twists itself tight in my throat
i beg you to spare me
i thought i wanted death
i wanted it so badly my lips were bitter with tears
it seemed better than facing the world
it seemed easier than facing myself
and the ones i claim to love (yet hurt so badly)
wouldn't everyone be happier
if i just disappeared
into the night
onto the welcoming cement so far below
it beckoned me
and
i
  threw
   myself
    into
     its
      arms
it is only when i struggle to draw breathe
that it hits
and ravages whats left of me
i realize i wanted to grow old
and watch my children prosper
i wanted to stare out at the world one day
and smile at what i saw
i wanted to live for all that i was to gain
and lose
so what if it hurt
so what if i was broken
so what if it was hard
it was still a gift
one that i had wasted so thoughtlessly
lord
if you are there
do not judge me when i come before you
i wanted wanted reprieve and looked for it in all the wrong places
and it was my demise
Esther L. Krenzin
A wandering souls lament
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
with understanding
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
from harm

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Mar 2021
they are never coming back
let them go
it’s time
this road does not lead to happiness
deep breaths
i know it hurts
but we are strong
and we can open our hearts to forgiveness
don’t disappear
i see you
your still here
trying to hide
but that cannot keep you safe, dear one
nothing of this world can keep heartbreak
from knocking on your door.

Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
i could carve the moon
out of the sky
and serve it on a silver platter
but still
it would not be enough

Esther Krenzin
No
Esther L Krenzin May 2019
No
I don't know how to say no
I never have
no to me is unacceptable
so even at the price of my wellbeing
I'll push myself
striving to be strong
when all I want is to bury my head
in my pillow
I don't know how to admit
that I'm not invincible
so I keep going
unable to stop at the red lights
even as my limbs tremble
turn to lead
and quake
Because in the end
I'll put others needs before mine
in the end, I convince myself
I'm not worth it
that I never was
and never will be.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
i blinked
and years passed on their own
abandoning me
goodbyes still lingering on
lips dusted in salt
dredges of memory
are all that remain of
such a fragile dream
but even dreams can quickly turn
to nightmares
haunting and taunting
with what could have been
in a time so long ago

even  after i’ve laid it to rest
buried it beneath earthy soil
and cut it from my lungs
a whisper remains in my veins
working it’s way
to the beat within my rib cage
“i’m still here, i’m still here”
it murmurs
blanketing my eyes
until all i can see
is what could have been

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
i cried rivers of salt
thinking it would change things
that perhaps they would hear
and comfort me
in the end nothing changed but my
expectations
i no longer expected good from people
who had no good left to give.

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
i can’t hear it anymore
the steady
thump thump thump
of the rock in my rib cage
i’ve tried to beat it back to life
with my fists
but it remained unresponsive
i looked at the filter of sunbeams between leaves
and waited for the feather-light touch
of emotion
i waited till dusk
and still it did not come  
i knew i was not dead
my veins thrummed
eyes blinked
muscles twitched
but the gaping hole in my chest
remained.

Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Oct 2018
Strong and resolute, it stands
seeking with claw-like limbs
for sunlight and raindrops.
Leaves, crimson and gold
slip from trailing branches
coming to rest on frozen ground.
Whispering and sighing
the great oak bends and sways
in the icy wind.
Roots, beneath the surface
delve deep down
growing
strengthening
as ages pass--
untouched by frost.
The strong winds may blow
and wage their wars
brittle branches may splinter.
But still the oak stands
bending
not breaking against the forces.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
We must learn to be more flexible in life, and not let the world make us hard and unforgiving. If a tree were hard and brittle, than it would break and fall over. And if it had no roots, it would never be standing in the first place. When we are born, we are born a tree bud with roots like small veins. As the years past we grow and learn the ways of the world, our roots growing and spreading. Life may be difficult, there may be suffering, and we may become hard and splinter into pieces. But remember that everything that is broken, comes back stronger than before. I once saw lightning strike down a towering oak, causing it to fall and leave nothing but a barren stump.
After a year or two, a little tree began to grow from the stump of its former self, becoming everything it was before it fell--if not even more beautiful.
To this day, it still stands, looking as if nothing ever happened.
Life will knock you down, but it is your choice whether or not you will stand up again, or stay down.
Esther L Krenzin Jan 2019
Drowning in waters of storm
I flail desperately to keep my head
above the glimmering
surface.
Invisible to the ones I need the most
my plea for help leaves my lips unheard
And so I drown with no company save my
shadow.
I want to get drunk on the stars
to have their luminescent light fill my being
and fill in the cracks left by my
scars.
So I swallow shards of glass
in a futile attempt to end the pain
I close my eyes and let them shred who  I am
who I used to be.
But when the stained slivers fill my gut
all I feel is cold numbness
All I hear are their words so carefully cruel
slashing into me like
knives.
So I curl up in a ball on the bottom of the lake
and let myself drown
Into darkness
Into oblivion.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Sometimes what we think might save us from ourselves, only harms us further.
Esther L Krenzin Jul 2018
The ocean booms and rages
And something inside me stirs
at the wild beauty,
ancient power,
and feeling,
that calls my name.

The warm salty breeze caresses
my face,
and as the sun slips into the sky
silhouettes of birds winging their way
amidst the glowing darkness
enter my mortal vision.

I lay in the soft sand,
and pull some into my open palm.
Are we like sand?
Soft and pretty at first,
but once rain falls
and the world throws hardship
at us,
we become harsh
coarse
and gritty.

If so, we must learn to
accept that there will
always be rain,
And learn to soften into the
person we are
deep down.

Strong,
and yet still soft enough to
experience life's joys.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
You are strong. But it is okay to feel. It is okay to have strength that does not bow and does not break.
Esther L Krenzin Jul 2019
why do we swim on the outskirts
when we could
dive in deep
into the vast unknown
into the ocean so harsh and unyielding
but we dare not do more
than loiter in the sand
where its safe
for our resolve trembles in the face
of such power.

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
they nod their head
as if they understand
but don't fool with me
your eyes are glazed
and the notes that you are scribbling
cant measure the pain ive felt
i pull out the symptoms from clenched teeth
legs swinging in the air
on and on
an endless list
you grow restless
and when i open my mouth to continue
you walk out the door
that's when i realize
even the doctors don't know what to do with me
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
her soul is parched
from wandering through deserts
looking for a oasis
she'll never find
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
i was built
on the crest of a wave
and swelling roll of tide
and i was not forged
to walk on my knees
just so that others may
know peace

Esther Krenzin
They can find it on their own.
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
send me away
to a place where i can scream
until my face turns blue
to a place where i have permission
to grieve
to a place where despair is a art
instead of a sin
send me away
for i cannot find that here

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Feb 2019
If I succumb to the current
of the raging river
would it take me home?
If I let it wash away my tears
would it cease my restless wandering--
when endlessly I roam?
Could I ever hope to drown in
stormy depths?
When I claw and I poke
at things I wont accept?
So I plunge in
awaiting the beasts that shall pull me under
Split me apart
pick me clean
and tear me asunder.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
It robs us of our dignity
pilfers our humanity
and steals us away to
make love with greed
nothing is spared on its warpath
there is no consideration for the collateral
because the promise of something that will serve
the continuation of corruption
matters more than the lives it will crush

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin May 2019
Plants, like us
require sunlight and dew
in the midst of droughts
when the sun is barely a glimmer
they shrivel
diminish
but hope hope is around
the corner
for those who seek with hands
that fumble and quiver
for what is beyond them
and after every storm
when the sky has caught its breath
there will be hope
if only in the form
of a rainbow.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong/
Esther L Krenzin Jun 2019
Explaining myself
is an privilege
and I do not owe it to anyone
not even the ravaged girl
born of glass and mirrors
whose cutting stare picks me apart
even from the realm
of reflections and lies.
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
It’s so loud out here
my edges curl  
and shrivel inward until I am
quiet
the thick bones of my neck collapse
weary from holding up a head
that wants to bow over in despair
but there is a tug
on my heartstrings
and it leads me to the surface
where all the wars are fought
“this is not where you belong”
it whispers
and takes my hand
to guide me under again
“here, where roots are deep, this is the refuge you seek.”

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Feb 2019
That which weighs down your soul
set it free
Those who push you away
let them go
When the storm comes and you can't escape
breathe
And when the silences becomes too much
release.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Take care of yourself.
Esther L Krenzin Apr 2019
I have been unmade and made anew
bolts loose, screws askew
metal stitches holding jagged words abrew
Light a match, no make it two
don't smile at me
I know its true
don't construe my issue
with you
respects not owed and its not due
don't feed me lies
my trust you blew
spooned shards of glass
masked subterfuge.

Don't cast me out
don't look away
I'm a stowaway
renegade
castaway
what makes you think I will obey?
I know the face that I portray
like I'm asking to be betrayed
but cut some slack, bits of leeway
I'll scrounge for scraps
don't make me pay
you cut my tongue, I won't soothsay
the odds for me will soon outweigh
just watch I'll drop this masquerade
and I'll cutaway
to counterweigh
this disarray
replay
this wordplay
display of
swordplay
'cause I'm a stowaway
renegade
castaway

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Mar 2019
I don't need much
to be content
And sometimes when my
heart is fraying
A simple glimpse at
the stars
Smooths away the
rough edges
Stills lips that tremble
and quake
From holding back brimming
storms.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
There are small needs that are often not met. Take time to fill them. You deserve every last one of them.
Esther L Krenzin Mar 2019
Shall I shed my skin like
a snake?
Who would I be then?
Would you still hold my hand?
Or,
once you saw my true colors
would you flee?

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Aug 2020
we are fish out of water
landlocked somewhere
we’d rather not be
and it is our own hands
that sew our gills shut
so that we cannot
b r e a t h e

Esther Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Jul 2018
Everything sings of beauty
life
emotion
Building and swelling into something
wild
unrestrained
and free
Enchanting melodies pierce the fabric of
reality
and thought
Provoking a creation entirely new
What once was twists and morphs into
what will be
Lies built so carefully unravel
revealing the ugly
naked
truth
The truth that sets fire to the soul
And breaths life into the once aching
heart.
-Roguesong-
-Esther L. Krenzin-
Esther L Krenzin Apr 2019
Light my fuse
I won't refuse
when drowning in hues of blue
Don't accuse
this ain't a ruse
just diffuse this abuse
I will unloose
from this slipnoose
get rid of your flimsy excuse

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Jul 2019
I painted rainbows to cover
the storm clouds
claimed my tears were quicksilver
if only
to choke on that slippery lie
I whisper when they look too closely
"I'm fine, really".

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
i want to spread love
as generously as jam
but there is this hollowness
i cant seem to fill
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Apr 2019
The wind will whisper words
of healing
for those ready to hear it
It does not wish you to remain
stagnant within yourself
So breathe it in
and receive the gift so freely given.

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
Esther L Krenzin Jul 2019
"Even the stars
can't outshine us."

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong
Esther L Krenzin Feb 2019
An icy storm howled and groaned about me, whipping the trees to and fro in its insatiable wrath. Sheets of rain poured from the murky sky, a torrent of water and wind pummeling my aching body.
I felt so small as I stood in the midst of the raging storm. So small and useless.
What was I but a mere ant, an insignificant worm in the face of this world? How could anything as small as I carry a ripple?
The world would still wage its wars, blind to the evil it was; injustice and oppression practically embroidered into the fabric of existence. Rulers would still dictate and control. The poor citizens would suffer in their poverty as the higher up drowned in their riches. Those who stood up and spoke out against the nobles were persecuted for questioning authority.
And so it seemed to me as if nothing we ever did would make a difference.
Lowering lashes glimmering with dew, I let the rain wash over me.  It seemed an ironic time for a storm, and I wondered if maybe the world was crying—lamenting over what humanity had come to.
“Why are you standing out here amid the rain?”
I took a ragged breath before turning around, blinking water out of my eyes. Eleanor stood behind me, leaning against a jagged pillar and studying me with an inscrutable expression.
“I thought I’d find you out here.” She said and pushed herself off the rock to face me. Her curly dark mass of hair was plastered to her face, and her fierce hazel eyes glimmered with condensation. “Moping won't get you anywhere you know.”
I shook my head at her. “I’m not moping.”
It was easy, easier than it should have been to slip on the masquerade, to look as if there was not a care in the world. The recent ordeals had left me drained and numb.
Eleanor threw her head back and laughed loudly. “I know moping the moment I see it. Now, spit it out.”
I clenched my fists in the pockets of my thick coak. “I am simply debating the best course of action to take from here.”
She grinned humorlessly. “You little liar. I see right past your guise down into your soft little heart. You can't-fool me, Flynn, I’ve seen more in this harsh world than someone twice my age.”
I tried to push the smoldering anger away, but her words sparked an inferno. She had no idea, no idea, of what I have gone through. How dare she make rash assumptions off of her own feeble experiences?
“You know nothing of what I have endured,” I said quietly, eyes flashing as I met her gaze.
Eleanor took a few steps closer until she was nose to nose with me. I could count every freckle on her bronze skin, every eyelash.
“You don’t sit around waiting for things to get better, you do something about it.” She whispered fiercely. “The world won't change itself, things won't just automatically get better. Everything that lasts takes time.”
Eleanor turned around and faced the setting sun; the sky lit up with the hues of the sunset. Her silhouette composed an impressive figure against the horizon, glistening with raindrops from the dull drizzle that now swept over the distant mountains.
“Someday,” she breathed, “you won't have to hide.”
I stared at her, enraptured at the quiet strength that overtook her features as she gazed out into the distance.
Eleanor twisted around again, her face somber. “Someday the world will accept you for who you are. But don’t wait for that day, don’t wait up for them—beat them to it and accept yourself now.”
A small beam of trembling sunlight entered into the suffocating darkness, thawing away at the ice that had slowly taken over within. I felt something I had not felt in a long time.
Hope.
Overwhelming in its promise and almost tangible to the imagination. I knew it was far away, farther than the length of the stars and back. And though everything was against me, though I would be met with opposition and suffering—would anyone else raise their voice for change?
I opened my eyes and found them full of the sun. “To an new dawn.”
Eleanor flashed her teeth in a voracious grin, her eyes full of promise. “To a new future.”
I held my breath at the words I would say; terrified my wish would disappear once uttered aloud. “To a world where those born of darkness, can shine just as bright.”

-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
#book #authorlife #mywritings #character #fiction #emotional #fantasy #creative #story #darkness #drafts
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2021
like a shadow
clinging to the sun
restless, i followed you
a star-struck fool
waiting around
for your love.

Esther L. Krenzin
But it never came.
Esther L Krenzin Jun 2019
Don't go looking
for bread from an
starving man
when he cant even feed himself.

Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
they promise to stay
but at one glance of your claws
they run away with their tails
between their legs.
Esther L. Krenzin
Esther L Krenzin Sep 2019
the story you tell yourself
is the story you live out

Esther L. Krenzin
you can create your own reality with nothing but a change in perspective and thoughts.
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