I received a lot of praise
For my musical ways
and it caused waves
To crash around my heart-
Their expectations over my art
It ruined my passion
In a "Wonderwall" fashion
Singing over and over again
Into soulless eyes,
Made me feel like a type of prize
It was a lot of work to learn I'm not
I can sing and make music without being bought

I could never hate you
I actually miss you
but I don't want you
around me anymore.
Because you hurt me
and I end up on the floor.
But I miss you.

He's the best,
The silliest.
He's an idiot,
The stupidist.

I know right?
For real tho.
You're lying.
You don't know.

Because he's perfect.
In every single way.
But I'd never say it.
Not to his face.

Not because I'm shy,
Not because I'm afraid.
But because I know inside,
He doesn't feel the same.

So I'll keep this smile right on my face.
Call him a baka, just like any other day.

Misunderstandings
can be such a threat.
Broken hearted girl
why'd you think like that?
Now your tears will overflow
"Life can be such overdose.."
You should shove it
all behind you, I suppose.
Stop wishing to fall into a
comatose.
Just hit your head already.
No one will miss you
you're too unsteady.

When I can't sleep at night
Do you know what I do?
I lay in my bed
and I think about you.
I think of funny moments
and moments that were sad,
times where you comforted me,
and times where we held hands.
Because when I think of you,
I feel the most comforting warmth inside.
You calm the rushing waves,
and create a perfect tide.

I can feel the pressure building
But I don't want to burst, I'm not ready.
I don't want to cry anymore,
so don't let me.
Just hold me,
tell me something, anything to help me
I don't want to shatter.
I'm so afraid of the backlash and chatter.
Don't walk away yet,
please don't go.
I'm so ******* tired of being alone.
That's all last year was,
and it's eaten at me enough.
I can feel the monsters teeth still,
gnawing into my heart.
It burns like nothing else.
I want to erase it all from the start.

Sinking down deeper into this body of water,
that's so cold I swear I'll freeze before they notice me.

I didn't want to hate you,
but I'm trying to accept that I do.
There's no way we will fix this,
you're not the right personality type to.

Every time I think I'm done with my walk
I take note of the street signs name.
I'm still not done talking with myself
Because I'm still on the street of Shame.

When I think about why I feel so badly
I can list my ideas for what's wrong with me
but when I reach the the house and open the door,
I remember how unheard I felt in my core.

I hope he knows that I care
that I'm wishing I were there
beside the tall boy that I just
couldn't help but fall into.

The waiting list has an opening
Here's to new hopes and beginnings.
Will therapy benefit me once again
or will I end up hurt in the end?
There is so much I need to fix
and so much to come to terms with.
I never noticed,
and because of me the one who was closest
no longer is.
Why did things have to turn out the way they did?
It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again.
There is nothing like having a friend
who you feel so connected with
But when I pick through my nostalgia
I'm left to wonder where the connection is
What do I really know about you?
What was true?
Where did things start to go bad?
The exchanging of passwords I think.
I think that's where it began.
After I saw the things you had said
My heart started to turn black.
It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking.
But you were so important to me back then
I will never forget the feeling I had.
I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings
Gotta love growing up with no boundaries
No choices when it came to yes or no
I got hit if I contemplated it
Came to write poems on the internet
And would be groomed by countless men
Think I was in love because of things they said
But I was eleven and they were gross
I played games with you and laughed
Then I'd cry to men I didn't know
In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult
Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids
At least for this girl it was
I'd word ***** so much
Honestly I never stopped
Validation is a drug stronger than any other
I love to feel like I matter
Especially when I care about the person too
I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind.
Whenever I was with you I was high
Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard
When I'd see you making plans with others
I always wondered why we couldn't call
Why it was awkward to play games after all
The time that passed between us
I think you knew way before I did
Just how toxic I was
Another guy and I broke up
My insecurities told me you thought I was a ****
A new relationship and I was gone
I don't think we spoke for months
This relationship is different
I think I'm actually in love
I debated infatuation since learning what it was
I wanted to talk to you about it
Eventually I did
I smothered you and hated when I couldn't
Months go by, I'm still word vomiting
You try to set boundaries
I still can't read the messages without crying
I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead
I ignored you and you distanced
It felt like you had passed away.
I try to say hi and it's so awkward
I wished I would die
You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly
I tell you everything I had been holding in
You disappear from my inbox and I cry
This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend
Left to wonder why I do this
The counselor on the line says enmeshment
And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour.
Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser.
Wait list, wait list full, wait list
Months pass
You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either.
I sent nothing.
I'm a bad friend.
New job, New accounts, New acquaintances
I still think of you but only cry on the drive home
Sun sets are pretty
I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky
I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes
It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me
I can live without you and you without me.
You reached out and I crumbled again
I told you about my 988 experience
Why do I do this
I have an episode
I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
But I'm off the therapy wait list.

I need to stop overthinking
and just pause for a moment,
...do something distracting
just become frozen.

Alone*
is what I really am
not really wanted
I'll just stop existing
anyways- *I'm exhausted
tired of being used
always forgotten..
*so I guess this is goodbye..

I still can't talk about you in therapy
I hyperventilate, and it scares me.
I don't understand how us affects me
I always saw you as a safe place for me

I tried to be safe for you too,
But have realized how bad I am at
Comforting others, especially you.
I tried my hardest, but never felt correct

I'd cry and get frustrated
over the urge to protect.
I'm extremely empathetic,
I'll throw myself under the bus, it's pathetic

I feel everything you say,
I take on your emotions
and this seems to cause pain
But I don't know what to say

It just happens,
You share with me
And I feel everything
I try to convey my empathy

To help you feel okay,
All I wanted was to be there
Like you were always, for me
I think the best thing I can do is set you free.

I wish I were asleep right now
inside of a dream, not in town
you were once on my team, til
my sound gave out..
Why're looking at me like that?
It's causing my self esteem to go
d
o
w
n
s
t
r
e
a
m

Oh, I see it was all just a scheme.

I feel sick inside,
I still want you by my side...

This Mellifluous feeling inside of my chest.
It has me ensnared in this sublime trance.
I haven't felt so close to someone in so long.
I get the urge to smile as the day passes now,
But is that so wrong?

We stand there laughing
As lobsters are fighting
I suggest their plotting
some kind of escape?!

You tell me nooo,
they're definitely fighting.
We stand and watch it out.

I lean against you and smile
at this tank in the store.

Then we move on
and continue to explore.

When was the last time that you read my words, and thought of me as the bird that would always be outside of your window?

my phone pings
and as I pick it up
I see your messages,
blurred, but there.
my eyes shut
as I think to myself,

*I'm having trouble
falling asleep...

what am i supposed to say
when it feels like i should say nothing?
should i just stay quiet and miserable,
or say things that could bring on a horrible battle...
i think i’d rather crawl back into my bed.

Sitting in the car,
I looked out the window
and there you were.
I tell her, "that's him!"
My heart was racing
as I opened the car door.
I hurried over to you,
we hugged
and I felt a million
I love yous
in less than a minute.

Stab me. Do it again.
I'm so tired of living in this place where people bend what's already broken trying so hard to fix it but only to make it worsen it's so funny how hard this **** is; after being brought into a world you can't say no to you're forced to go on living in it only to wait for it to end and sure you'll have good experiences mixed in with the bad; and happiness mixed in with the sad too and heaven forbid you try to exit because apparently that is cowardly; wrong in the end most are too scared to even attempt... It's just funny.

In the depths of our friendship's sea,
A jellyfish necklace binds you and me.
Silver and pretty, it once shone bright,
A token of love and shared delight.

But I leaned on you, like a child in need,
A caregiver's role, you didn't foresee.
Guilt fills my heart, for the burden I placed,
Yet I know it's not an excuse to embrace.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

I sought shelter in your guiding light,
A refuge from darkness, day and night.
But the weight I placed upon your soul,
Has taken its toll, now I know.

The jellyfish necklace holds secrets untold,
A symbol of the roles we unfold.
In my quest for solace, I caused you pain,
Now I must learn to stand on my own again.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Like ocean waves, our friendship sways,
I must learn to mend my own broken ways.
Acknowledging the wounds, seeking healing's embrace,
Rebuilding our bond, through much needed space.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Though scars may linger, we'll find our way,
Together we'll navigate the choppy waves.
No longer dependent, but intertwined,
A friendship reborn, with strength we'll find.

8

She likes video games, reading books
and watching movies with family
She always day dreams
and plays outside alone, imagining.

She looks up to her big sister,
and likes to sing together in her car
Her little sister is annoying
She's always the shining star.

But together all three will walk to the park.

11

She likes to color, play guitar and sing
She dances in her room without worrying
One wall is covered with a teen pop sensation,
Others hold her poems and art that reveal her struggles and wishes.

She liked the attention singing got her
It made her feel like she was worthy.
She did her best to live up to
The things said by her family

13

She was sad often and preferred to be alone
She still played guitar but played games the most,
She liked writing poems and songs,
They let her express herself in any tone

She had plans to go far away one day,
with her best friend she would escape.
There'd be hello kitty tunnels
and fun had every day.

She fell victim to infatuation
which lead to many hearts being broke,
Forced to play outside,
she'd swing away her trauma while grasping ropes.

16

She's quiet, she stays in her room alone, she feels unwanted.
The internet is where she felt she belonged
Most people would hear her out
and wouldn't ask her to play them a song.

She was forced to go somewhere she was needed
She got an education out of it and an identity crisis.

25

She is independent, but still feels scared
She is working to understand her life
and is moving forward with care.

So don't call me Becca,
It reminds me of those years-
the times I was saddest and living in fear.

Becca had a mask that Rebecca has out grown.
The mask is smaller now and is becoming unsown.
It's been a painful process, the mask really hurt
This is where I'm at now, trying to unlearn.

When I was young I wrote about
How therapy was always trying to trawl me treacherous
With only having gone a handful of times as a child.
Today therapy is a friend to me,
Only trying to tear my troubles from my treacherous hands
To help me understand where they come from
And where I stand.

The things that I said
were meant to be so
unforgivable.. to the
point where you'd
never want to see me
or speak to me again.
I said it all for a reason.
To avoid getting hurt
by you once more.
But I miss you everyday
and I'm sorry for everything.
I'm not going to say anything
to you though. Because there
will only ever be one result: pain.

I'm sorry* are just two words you can say
but as she says them she releases her prey
picks up a knife, reopens her scars and bleeds out her life.
As she's bleeding she drops the weaponry and mumbles *Goodnight.

I should be thankful,
To be able to live the way I do
To not rely on my parents
To no longer suffer from abuse

This is the way I make a living
But it's hard for me to show up.
It's hard to explain it,
How I feel is tangled up.

I open my door to the icy cold,
Look up at the moon to see it's no longer full.
I start my walk and notice the ground glitters
It's kind of funny, how black ice likes to shimmer

It wasn't shimmering when I was drifting earlier
Although the thrill and dodge made me shiver,
Invisibility never caused me to quiver
All it gifted me was loneliness and shelter

Does the ice feel the same kind of chill
As it wraps the world in a frozen thrill?
Beneath its glimmer, secrets are concealed,
A dance with shadows, as the moonlight spills.

Laying in the grass
you look up into the sky,
it's a warm night between summer and fall.
The stars twinkle and you let yourself drift off.

You're dreaming.
You're floating up to the stars,
all of the things that make you who you are,
encompass you.

Then you wonder,
is it wrong?
To wish for a savior?
I'm here to tell you it isn't.

It's okay to want someone to save you.
To long for them...
to wish they'd rush into your life
and be there to catch you.

You're only so strong alone.
It's okay to sometimes,
just sometimes...
want someone to be the hero you're dreaming of.

Sinking...
deep into the dark blue ocean.
I see myself slowly disappearing.
When the waters become this unclear,
when I feel scared, you're my Atolla.
My georgeous light in this sea of darkness.

My heartbeat scares me,
It's keeping me awake.
I feel it thumping inside me,
I can hear it in my brain.

Maybe I'm just sick,
Or maybe I'm insane.
Maybe I'm losing it,
Or just feeling strange...

At times like these,
I wish I were home.

Do you not realise that your words affect me?
Harsh or sweet, raw or overbearing.
They always have an affect.
When I see your smile,
My heart connects.
Please don't reject,
Me.

My eyes are stinging
I feel tired now,
Just let me lay down.
I want to be alone.
Do I really though?
I want to be held.
I'm fed up with myself.
I mess up everything,
Always.

I go to turn off my phone - leave me alone;
I see your text - and I know what's coming next
You come over, call me your lover; we get under the covers

Why is it that I'm feeling so smothered?
Didn't we once love eachother?
I suppose it must've been lust
The tears that I've shed
May turn me to rust.

We never talk anymore..

When you're laying in bed
feeling basically half dead,
eden's playing through your
             h e a d s e t
and everything else is quiet.

Stomp, stomp, stomp
Unhappy glares
He walks up the stairs
The kid is stirring up tears.
Yelling and cries
Mixed with more stomping
You told me I was unwanted,
To just go away if I wasn't helping.
You didn't even tell me what you were doing,
It's not ignoring if I can't hear you.

Interruption creates dysfunction,
I try to stay focused but find myself distracted
When my flow state is corrupted
It causes a malfunction.

Why can't you send a message
Instead of speaking to me in person
Calling is a last resort,
I'll wait for your text.

The talking in the office is irritating.
The sound of the fax machine
Papers shuffling
Quiet is key

Headphones help me,
I feel like I'm time travelling
When I put them to use,
Please stay away from me.

Maybe the reason I've been offline so often
is not because I'm trying to start a life but,
because it reminds me that you and I are dying out.

She stares at her keyboard
wondering what to write next
she has so many things that
need to be said;

I'm tired of hating myself
and aways searching for
people that will accept me
for everything that I am,

I love myself now and I'm glad.

That's all.

I'm tired of you haunting me.
If only you'd let me sleep.
Instead of the noises
and voices that are still unfamiliar...
I wish you'd remind me of his.
I'd rather be drowning in a sea I cannot drown in, that only leads to an endless abyss
than wake up in a panic, reminded of this.