I hope he knows that I care
that I'm wishing I were there
beside the tall boy that I just
couldn't help but fall into.

I have value
It comes from within,
I know it's enough
I feel it under my skin.

It vibrates from me,
The power I hold
I'm special,
I'm something to behold.

I know I'm sensitive
It's something I used to hate
But now I'm embracing it,
There's a reason I'm this way.

So I stick to my routine,
I don't want to give up
I may fall down at times,
But I will not get stuck.

I didn't want to hate you,
but I'm trying to accept that I do.
There's no way we will fix this,
you're not the right personality type to.

I feel sick inside,
I still want you by my side...

This Mellifluous feeling inside of my chest.
It has me ensnared in this sublime trance.
I haven't felt so close to someone in so long.
I get the urge to smile as the day passes now,
But is that so wrong?

I could never hate you
I actually miss you
but I don't want you
around me anymore.
Because you hurt me
and I end up on the floor.
But I miss you.

I guess this is goodbye
because it was all a lie
when you see me around
don't bother saying hi
or any other kind of hello
because I'll ignore you
to avoid more pain
I should've realised
that you could see the disdain
smothered all over my face
but this is the end because I'm
tired of two worded conversations
and the feeling I get when I read
what you've written and just are
unable to delete. You still have feelings,
just not for me.

When was the last time that you read my words, and thought of me as the bird that would always be outside of your window?

I'm a poet,
You don't know it
I stay up writing...
My experience
It's kind of morbid
Lots of things have happened...
You'd be furious,
If you knew
Every thing you've done to me
Has been published...
My blog's my news.
Every bad day,
Every good thing,
has its own place...
In my station, Online.
Since I was fourteen
I've been taunting, you.

Alone*
is what I really am
not really wanted
I'll just stop existing
anyways- *I'm exhausted
tired of being used
always forgotten..
*so I guess this is goodbye..

Sitting in the car,
I looked out the window
and there you were.
I tell her, "that's him!"
My heart was racing
as I opened the car door.
I hurried over to you,
we hugged
and I felt a million
I love yous
in less than a minute.

I need to stop overthinking
and just pause for a moment,
...do something distracting
just become frozen.

We stand there laughing
As lobsters are fighting
I suggest their plotting
some kind of escape?!

You tell me nooo,
they're definitely fighting.
We stand and watch it out.

I lean against you and smile
at this tank in the store.

Then we move on
and continue to explore.

Stab me. Do it again.
I'm so tired of living in this place where people bend what's already broken trying so hard to fix it but only to make it worsen it's so funny how hard this **** is; after being brought into a world you can't say no to you're forced to go on living in it only to wait for it to end and sure you'll have good experiences mixed in with the bad; and happiness mixed in with the sad too and heaven forbid you try to exit because apparently that is cowardly; wrong in the end most are too scared to even attempt... It's just funny.

The things that I said
were meant to be so
unforgivable.. to the
point where you'd
never want to see me
or speak to me again.
I said it all for a reason.
To avoid getting hurt
by you once more.
But I miss you everyday
and I'm sorry for everything.
I'm not going to say anything
to you though. Because there
will only ever be one result: pain.

I'm sorry* are just two words you can say
but as she says them she releases her prey
picks up a knife, reopens her scars and bleeds out her life.
As she's bleeding she drops the weaponry and mumbles *Goodnight.

I wish I were asleep right now
inside of a dream, not in town
you were once on my team, til
my sound gave out..
Why're looking at me like that?
It's causing my self esteem to go
d
o
w
n
s
t
r
e
a
m

Oh, I see it was all just a scheme.

My heartbeat scares me,
It's keeping me awake.
I feel it thumping inside me,
I can hear it in my brain.

Maybe I'm just sick,
Or maybe I'm insane.
Maybe I'm losing it,
Or just feeling strange...

At times like these,
I wish I were home.

Do you not realise that your words affect me?
Harsh or sweet, raw or overbearing.
They always have an affect.
When I see your smile,
My heart connects.
Please don't reject,
Me.

My eyes are stinging
I feel tired now,
Just let me lay down.
I want to be alone.
Do I really though?
I want to be held.
I'm fed up with myself.
I mess up everything,
Always.

what am i supposed to say
when it feels like i should say nothing?
should i just stay quiet and miserable,
or say things that could bring on a horrible battle...
i think i’d rather crawl back into my bed.

When I was young I wrote about
How therapy was always trying to trawl me treacherous
With only having gone a handful of times as a child.
Today therapy is a friend to me,
Only trying to tear my troubles from my treacherous hands
To help me understand where they come from
And where I stand.

Right now I'm
outside looking
up at the sky
and I'm tired
of trying to
rhyme all
the time
everyone's
always
butting
into my life
it's as if they
want me to
be upset all the time?
one day I'm happy
the next day I'm not
but you know what
never changes?
Their screams that
spout from hatred.
Whatever happened
to telling me I could
accomplish greatness?
Because I'm tired of
waiting and chasing
while I'm complaining
as I'm suffocating beneath
your demands ****
I wish I'd just stand-
up to you.

I received a lot of praise
For my musical ways
and it caused waves
To crash around my heart-
Their expectations over my art
It ruined my passion
In a "Wonderwall" fashion
Singing over and over again
Into soulless eyes,
Made me feel like a type of prize
It was a lot of work to learn I'm not
I can sing and make music without being bought

Stomp, stomp, stomp
Unhappy glares
He walks up the stairs
The kid is stirring up tears.
Yelling and cries
Mixed with more stomping
You told me I was unwanted,
To just go away if I wasn't helping.
You didn't even tell me what you were doing,
It's not ignoring if I can't hear you.

Sinking...
deep into the dark blue ocean.
I see myself slowly disappearing.
When the waters become this unclear,
when I feel scared, you're my Atolla.
My georgeous light in this sea of darkness.

Laying in the grass
you look up into the sky,
it's a warm night between summer and fall.
The stars twinkle and you let yourself drift off.

You're dreaming.
You're floating up to the stars,
all of the things that make you who you are,
encompass you.

Then you wonder,
is it wrong?
To wish for a savior?
I'm here to tell you it isn't.

It's okay to want someone to save you.
To long for them...
to wish they'd rush into your life
and be there to catch you.

You're only so strong alone.
It's okay to sometimes,
just sometimes...
want someone to be the hero you're dreaming of.

She stares at her keyboard
wondering what to write next
she has so many things that
need to be said;

I'm tired of hating myself
and aways searching for
people that will accept me
for everything that I am,

I love myself now and I'm glad.

That's all.

We never talk anymore..

I go to turn off my phone - leave me alone;
I see your text - and I know what's coming next
You come over, call me your lover; we get under the covers

Why is it that I'm feeling so smothered?
Didn't we once love eachother?
I suppose it must've been lust
The tears that I've shed
May turn me to rust.

Would you still go to the aquarium with me?
I don't want things between us to be so empty.
But I'm afraid they'll stay this way
Tell me I'm dreaming, we'll be okay?
I don't want you to *leave
**Are you understanding me?

When I hear your voice
my troubles melt away
and all the things that
were making me afraid
seem to stray.. but in the
back of my mind I'm
wondering if you *still
love me the same?

my phone pings
and as I pick it up
I see your messages,
blurred, but there.
my eyes shut
as I think to myself,

*I'm having trouble
falling asleep...

The waiting list has an opening
Here's to new hopes and beginnings.
Will therapy benefit me once again
or will I end up hurt in the end?
There is so much I need to fix
and so much to come to terms with.
I never noticed,
and because of me the one who was closest
no longer is.
Why did things have to turn out the way they did?
It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again.
There is nothing like having a friend
who you feel so connected with
But when I pick through my nostalgia
I'm left to wonder where the connection is
What do I really know about you?
What was true?
Where did things start to go bad?
The exchanging of passwords I think.
I think that's where it began.
After I saw the things you had said
My heart started to turn black.
It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking.
But you were so important to me back then
I will never forget the feeling I had.
I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings
Gotta love growing up with no boundaries
No choices when it came to yes or no
I got hit if I contemplated it
Came to write poems on the internet
And would be groomed by countless men
Think I was in love because of things they said
But I was eleven and they were gross
I played games with you and laughed
Then I'd cry to men I didn't know
In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult
Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids
At least for this girl it was
I'd word ***** so much
Honestly I never stopped
Validation is a drug stronger than any other
I love to feel like I matter
Especially when I care about the person too
I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind.
Whenever I was with you I was high
Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard
When I'd see you making plans with others
I always wondered why we couldn't call
Why it was awkward to play games after all
The time that passed between us
I think you knew way before I did
Just how toxic I was
Another guy and I broke up
My insecurities told me you thought I was a ****
A new relationship and I was gone
I don't think we spoke for months
This relationship is different
I think I'm actually in love
I debated infatuation since learning what it was
I wanted to talk to you about it
Eventually I did
I smothered you and hated when I couldn't
Months go by, I'm still word vomiting
You try to set boundaries
I still can't read the messages without crying
I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead
I ignored you and you distanced
It felt like you had passed away.
I try to say hi and it's so awkward
I wished I would die
You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly
I tell you everything I had been holding in
You disappear from my inbox and I cry
This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend
Left to wonder why I do this
The counselor on the line says enmeshment
And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour.
Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser.
Wait list, wait list full, wait list
Months pass
You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either.
I sent nothing.
I'm a bad friend.
New job, New accounts, New acquaintances
I still think of you but only cry on the drive home
Sun sets are pretty
I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky
I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes
It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me
I can live without you and you without me.
You reached out and I crumbled again
I told you about my 988 experience
Why do I do this
I have an episode
I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
But I'm off the therapy wait list.

I still can't talk about you in therapy
I hyperventilate, and it scares me.
I don't understand how us affects me
I always saw you as a safe place for me

I tried to be safe for you too,
But have realized how bad I am at
Comforting others, especially you.
I tried my hardest, but never felt correct

I'd cry and get frustrated
over the urge to protect.
I'm extremely empathetic,
I'll throw myself under the bus, it's pathetic

I feel everything you say,
I take on your emotions
and this seems to cause pain
But I don't know what to say

It just happens,
You share with me
And I feel everything
I try to convey my empathy

To help you feel okay,
All I wanted was to be there
Like you were always, for me
I think the best thing I can do is set you free.

When you're laying in bed
feeling basically half dead,
eden's playing through your
             h e a d s e t
and everything else is quiet.

I should be thankful,
To be able to live the way I do
To not rely on my parents
To no longer suffer from abuse

This is the way I make a living
But it's hard for me to show up.
It's hard to explain it,
How I feel is tangled up.

When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?