Life is spinning around and around, things keep circling around and around, we all are moving like a whirlpool swooshing in our feelings until we thrash through enough to feel better.. but it just repeats and repeats.

Would you still go to the aquarium with me?
I don't want things between us to be so empty.
But I'm afraid they'll stay this way
Tell me I'm dreaming, we'll be okay?
I don't want you to *leave
**Are you understanding me?

When I hear your voice
my troubles melt away
and all the things that
were making me afraid
seem to stray.. but in the
back of my mind I'm
wondering if you *still
love me the same?

When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?

Curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor I never could've imagined myself putting on such a per-form-ance.
Tears smothering my face as I hide it beneath my own hands I'm blinded, no one truly will ever understand my feelings and that kills me for some unpleasant reason to be understood is what I'm needing.
Tell me why are we humans so arrogant and selfish at times? In the end we all do what we truly want there is no one out there who surrenders for love not even the most dedicated of love birds would do such an exquisite task. Because truthfully we're all wearing a mask.
*or at least that's what we want you to believe.

I lay in bed, drained
I hear the thunder
preparing us all
for the rain.

I look at my wall,
at the Jellyfish that hang.
My heart flutters and I smile
as I remember who is always by my side.

I still long to go to California,
I want to see that place.
The jellyfish filled space in Monterey
I want to touch the tank's glass
and see the sea nettles up close.
I want to be there
and know that I'm home.

I am afraid to be alone with myself.
Because I don't want to know myself.

I don't want to see myself,
The way other people do.
People are always leaving,
And if I realise why they do,
Will I leave too?

I don't want to know.

As I lay my head back on my pillow
Tears drop down my cheeks
They wash away my smile
Maybe if they'd stop...
My feelings would too.

I ruined everything
Everything that we had
I broke your heart
And threw it in the trash

I can't remember why
And that leaves me feeling sad
A year has gone by
And even now I'm feeling bad.

Back when I was glitched,
you found me broken
and you stitched me back up,
now I'm more than full of love.

That night I snuck out to get high
but I was only trying to invite some
new feelings inside to feel something
instead of being so empty all the time.

it's all over
you told me the truth,
you said the words
that i think i always knew.
it's all over with you.

struggles occur,
often I'll juggle many
in attempt to avoid them
and pretend I'm empty;
nothing can hurt me!
but eventually I mess up
and break the tossing.
One struggle breaks
right after the other,
and in the end
I usually feel much better.

Thanks to you, I figured out
What true love is all about.
I'll never cry again, the way for you I did.

A string tied you and me,
We were the best of friends and enemies.
We hurt eachother like no other unknowingly.

I've cried a lot in my life,
from laughter and all kinds of strife,
but never the way I've cried because of you.

You've brought meaning to my gaze,
Picked me up and told me it was okay.
I'd cling to you, your words like an embrace.

You've stitched wounds and cut me deep,
I'll always remember the secrets we'd keep, Thanks to you, for all our highs and lows

Because of you I'll always know,
just how far I can go.

My family doesn't reach out to me,
All weight is on me to say hi.
If I talk too long, outbursts can occur
Contradictions leave me at a loss for words

They want a relationship with fiction,
An image; or story they see me as.
I used to try to fit the frame they made
But doing that lead me down a bitter path

Now I try to accept the reality,
Who I am inside is not enough for them.
When I'm myself, I recieve lots of judgment
Or comments that I don't understand.

I will remember how you kissed me*
is just a line from a song that I've
been listening to for hours wondering
if you've been listening too I wish you
wouldn't have made me miss you like
this- it's not normal for me to want to
be wanted and looked at like I matter
to someone..

Once again**
Laying in bed,
Playing pretend,
You're in my head.
Instead, *I'd like
if you were in it
with me.

.

And you were there,
When no one else would care.
You helped me see,
What's most important to me.
No one ever saw me hurting so deep inside,
But you broke through the walls I built up so high.

Broken up,
Crying inside.
Tears are falling,
You got pushed to the side..

You wish you were special.
What if you are?
Will you ever know..
You wish someone would show you the truth.
But it's so hard to tell what that even is these days.

My past always finds
a way to drag me down
it sinks into my mind
during the worst times
why do you haunt me, always?
When I finally think
yeah, I'm over things,
a new memory appears
and hurts me.

I want to hold on to you,
even if it burns me.
I want to be next to you,
despite how you've hurt me.

Wait... Don't leave, please; come back to me
I've been getting into drugs and other things
I am fearful for my own well being...
But these actions I am taking hold of
Keep my mind off from what's truly going on,
I'm not sure that I'll ever really stop...

My thoughts are scattered all over the place
Sad corn, bad dreams, no diploma, brown leaves..
I want to be  h a p p y  for you but I can't be today
there's just a kind of stuffiness inside of my brain
but don't cry for too long, please don't worry I'll
get back to normal, soon things won't be so blurry.

I don't want to see your name anymore
I hate the way it sounds in my mind
also when it comes out of my mouth
so stop filling up my Facebook's news
feed

Stop poking me and sending me things
on other social medias
Stop texting my now broken phone
and maybe just maybe- leave me alone
I'm so sick of being reminded of the
girl who once went by NotTsundere
the girl that I've kicked out and have
forced to hide
She's already said goodbye
so now it's time for you to.

I can understand the need of a feeling.
Of that- feeling.
A feeling that makes you want to stay alive.
A drive, stronger than an illegal high.
Maybe it's the only reason you're wanting to survive
these heartache filled stages.

I want to hide in a place
that makes me feel comfortable
under the bluest waves,
isn't so sufferable.
What's hidden beneath them,
is the most stunning
these colors and beings
could never send me running.
With my eyes wide open,
I'd float forever
face down,
I'd sink into deeper waters.

Am I insane?
I simply can't tell.
Always chattering away,
but just to myself.

Behind the walls
and underneath the blankets,
there lives a ravenous girl
who dreams up a place
that's not full of loneliness.

The car slows down
and in the moment
so does the sound,
all I can hear is my heart.

The car stops and so do I,
as I start to cry
I let everything out
that was being held inside.

I miss the long talks
that usually went on
for paragraphs and
multiple days.

I miss you telling me
stories I thought I
wouldn't want to hear
but ended up longing for.

I miss your voice and the
way you took my heart
and somehow made it melt.

I miss you in general and
that makes me feel scared.

I want to kiss you
at the end of each night
and the beginning of every day,
I wanna be there so you can see
me smiling at the things you say.

You used to be the one who lifted me up, now you tend to break me down.

I don't want him to worry about me.
I know I write rather depressing things.
I just let the words come out.
It's as if I'm grabbing chips from a bowl.

So just know that when you read my words,
At times I'm not as sad as they point towards.
You have to really strive to find the sadness,
Behind my own eyes.

Sometimes I don't see it myself; until I break down.
So, just know that you have nothing to worry about.
At least not right now.

Looking at this wall again
potato snack bag and necklaces
it's good to be back in this place
where I have no worries
and can stay calm in my own space.