When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?

I ruined everything
Everything that we had
I broke your heart
And threw it in the trash

I can't remember why
And that leaves me feeling sad
A year has gone by
And even now I'm feeling bad.

Life is spinning around and around, things keep circling around and around, we all are moving like a whirlpool swooshing in our feelings until we thrash through enough to feel better.. but it just repeats and repeats.

I lay in bed, drained
I hear the thunder
preparing us all
for the rain.

I look at my wall,
at the Jellyfish that hang.
My heart flutters and I smile
as I remember who is always by my side.

I will remember how you kissed me*
is just a line from a song that I've
been listening to for hours wondering
if you've been listening too I wish you
wouldn't have made me miss you like
this- it's not normal for me to want to
be wanted and looked at like I matter
to someone..

Broken up,
Crying inside.
Tears are falling,
You got pushed to the side..

You wish you were special.
What if you are?
Will you ever know..
You wish someone would show you the truth.
But it's so hard to tell what that even is these days.

And you were there,
When no one else would care.
You helped me see,
What's most important to me.
No one ever saw me hurting so deep inside,
But you broke through the walls I built up so high.

As I lay my head back on my pillow
Tears drop down my cheeks
They wash away my smile
Maybe if they'd stop...
My feelings would too.

I am afraid to be alone with myself.
Because I don't want to know myself.

I don't want to see myself,
The way other people do.
People are always leaving,
And if I realise why they do,
Will I leave too?

I don't want to know.

Maybe the reason I've been offline so often
is not because I'm trying to start a life but,
because it reminds me that you and I are dying out.

I'm tired of you haunting me.
If only you'd let me sleep.
Instead of the noises
and voices that are still unfamiliar...
I wish you'd remind me of his.
I'd rather be drowning in a sea I cannot drown in, that only leads to an endless abyss
than wake up in a panic, reminded of this.

.

Curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor I never could've imagined myself putting on such a per-form-ance.
Tears smothering my face as I hide it beneath my own hands I'm blinded, no one truly will ever understand my feelings and that kills me for some unpleasant reason to be understood is what I'm needing.
Tell me why are we humans so arrogant and selfish at times? In the end we all do what we truly want there is no one out there who surrenders for love not even the most dedicated of love birds would do such an exquisite task. Because truthfully we're all wearing a mask.
*or at least that's what we want you to believe.

I can understand the need of a feeling.
Of that- feeling.
A feeling that makes you want to stay alive.
A drive, stronger than an illegal high.
Maybe it's the only reason you're wanting to survive
these heartache filled stages.

That night I snuck out to get high
but I was only trying to invite some
new feelings inside to feel something
instead of being so empty all the time.

My past always finds
a way to drag me down
it sinks into my mind
during the worst times
why do you haunt me, always?
When I finally think
yeah, I'm over things,
a new memory appears
and hurts me.

I still long to go to California,
I want to see that place.
The jellyfish filled space in Monterey
I want to touch the tank's glass
and see the sea nettles up close.
I want to be there
and know that I'm home.

Wait... Don't leave, please; come back to me
I've been getting into drugs and other things
I am fearful for my own well being...
But these actions I am taking hold of
Keep my mind off from what's truly going on,
I'm not sure that I'll ever really stop...

You used to be the one who lifted me up, now you tend to break me down.

Every time I think I'm done with my walk
I take note of the street signs name.
I'm still not done talking with myself
Because I'm still on the street of Shame.

When I think about why I feel so badly
I can list my ideas for what's wrong with me
but when I reach the the house and open the door,
I remember how unheard I felt in my core.

My thoughts are scattered all over the place
Sad corn, bad dreams, no diploma, brown leaves..
I want to be  h a p p y  for you but I can't be today
there's just a kind of stuffiness inside of my brain
but don't cry for too long, please don't worry I'll
get back to normal, soon things won't be so blurry.

Back when I was glitched,
you found me broken
and you stitched me back up,
now I'm more than full of love.

Once again**
Laying in bed,
Playing pretend,
You're in my head.
Instead, *I'd like
if you were in it
with me.

I miss the long talks
that usually went on
for paragraphs and
multiple days.

I miss you telling me
stories I thought I
wouldn't want to hear
but ended up longing for.

I miss your voice and the
way you took my heart
and somehow made it melt.

I miss you in general and
that makes me feel scared.

struggles occur,
often I'll juggle many
in attempt to avoid them
and pretend I'm empty;
nothing can hurt me!
but eventually I mess up
and break the tossing.
One struggle breaks
right after the other,
and in the end
I usually feel much better.

I'm coming to see you
and not be so blue
but until then
I'm always missing you, my friend.

My special friend whom I'm in love with.

it's all over
you told me the truth,
you said the words
that i think i always knew.
it's all over with you.

I want to hide in a place
that makes me feel comfortable
under the bluest waves,
isn't so sufferable.
What's hidden beneath them,
is the most stunning
these colors and beings
could never send me running.
With my eyes wide open,
I'd float forever
face down,
I'd sink into deeper waters.

Looking at this wall again
potato snack bag and necklaces
it's good to be back in this place
where I have no worries
and can stay calm in my own space.

My family doesn't reach out to me,
All weight is on me to say hi.
If I talk too long, outbursts can occur
Contradictions leave me at a loss for words

They want a relationship with fiction,
An image; or story they see me as.
I used to try to fit the frame they made
But doing that lead me down a bitter path

Now I try to accept the reality,
Who I am inside is not enough for them.
When I'm myself, I recieve lots of judgment
Or comments that I don't understand.

I won't be sad
While you're away.
I'll try my best
To not be afraid.
Of everything
That I'll need to face,
To take care of
My past mistakes.
But I'll miss you.
And I'll think of you
Every day.

Laying here once again
In tears, as the room begins to spin.
I shut my eyes and teardrops fall
Once again I'm saying I miss them.

It's funny how family can drive you mad
But once time's spent away from them
You become too sad to function right, without them.

I wipe the tears away
And ignore the spins the best I can.
I know they wouldn't want me crying
When I asked for this to happen.

So I will go to sleep again.

I want you to touch me
Press your lips against mine
I'm feeling flustered,
But I won't hide...
If you'd just touch me,
I might lose my mind.

Thanks to you, I figured out
What true love is all about.
I'll never cry again, the way for you I did.

A string tied you and me,
We were the best of friends and enemies.
We hurt eachother like no other unknowingly.

I've cried a lot in my life,
from laughter and all kinds of strife,
but never the way I've cried because of you.

You've brought meaning to my gaze,
Picked me up and told me it was okay.
I'd cling to you, your words like an embrace.

You've stitched wounds and cut me deep,
I'll always remember the secrets we'd keep, Thanks to you, for all our highs and lows

Because of you I'll always know,
just how far I can go.

Am I insane?
I simply can't tell.
Always chattering away,
but just to myself.

Behind the walls
and underneath the blankets,
there lives a ravenous girl
who dreams up a place
that's not full of loneliness.

I don't want him to worry about me.
I know I write rather depressing things.
I just let the words come out.
It's as if I'm grabbing chips from a bowl.

So just know that when you read my words,
At times I'm not as sad as they point towards.
You have to really strive to find the sadness,
Behind my own eyes.

Sometimes I don't see it myself; until I break down.
So, just know that you have nothing to worry about.
At least not right now.

I never thought I'd meet someone so intriguing.
He makes my mind go from so serious to dreamy.
It's fascinating how different, can be a good thing.
In a matter of time I was falling asleep,
To a song I'd never heard before.
It was called his laugh.
I'm so glad.

I want to hold on to you,
even if it burns me.
I want to be next to you,
despite how you've hurt me.

The ocean,
I've only seen it once in my life
I've touched the world, once,
that holds the most beautiful creatures...
The ones who make me feel something
that I wish I could feel all the time.
These creatures that never
make me cry for the wrong reasons.
They're beautiful and helpless
I'm not sure if they can think or imagine
but if they could I'd want them to know
they mean more than they'll ever know, **to me.

I checked the mailbox today
and something from you came.

After running inside, excited to read your words,
I felt like my heart was ready to jump out of my shirt.

**I've missed you so much.