The waiting list has an opening Here's to new hopes and beginnings. Will therapy benefit me once again or will I end up hurt in the end? There is so much I need to fix and so much to come to terms with. I never noticed, and because of me the one who was closest no longer is. Why did things have to turn out the way they did? It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again. There is nothing like having a friend who you feel so connected with But when I pick through my nostalgia I'm left to wonder where the connection is What do I really know about you? What was true? Where did things start to go bad? The exchanging of passwords I think. I think that's where it began. After I saw the things you had said My heart started to turn black. It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking. But you were so important to me back then I will never forget the feeling I had. I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings Gotta love growing up with no boundaries No choices when it came to yes or no I got hit if I contemplated it Came to write poems on the internet And would be groomed by countless men Think I was in love because of things they said But I was eleven and they were gross I played games with you and laughed Then I'd cry to men I didn't know In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids At least for this girl it was I'd word ***** so much Honestly I never stopped Validation is a drug stronger than any other I love to feel like I matter Especially when I care about the person too I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind. Whenever I was with you I was high Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard When I'd see you making plans with others I always wondered why we couldn't call Why it was awkward to play games after all The time that passed between us I think you knew way before I did Just how toxic I was Another guy and I broke up My insecurities told me you thought I was a **** A new relationship and I was gone I don't think we spoke for months This relationship is different I think I'm actually in love I debated infatuation since learning what it was I wanted to talk to you about it Eventually I did I smothered you and hated when I couldn't Months go by, I'm still word vomiting You try to set boundaries I still can't read the messages without crying I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead I ignored you and you distanced It felt like you had passed away. I try to say hi and it's so awkward I wished I would die You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly I tell you everything I had been holding in You disappear from my inbox and I cry This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend Left to wonder why I do this The counselor on the line says enmeshment And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour. Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser. Wait list, wait list full, wait list Months pass You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either. I sent nothing. I'm a bad friend. New job, New accounts, New acquaintances I still think of you but only cry on the drive home Sun sets are pretty I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me I can live without you and you without me. You reached out and I crumbled again I told you about my 988 experience Why do I do this I have an episode I'm the heaviest I have ever been. But I'm off the therapy wait list.
New hopes and beginnings. Maybe when I'm better we could be healthy but I am not saying anything until I know for sure.
You are the cigarette I can’t put down An ache held deep in my chest After I’m done I hate the taste in my mouth You burn hot and you burn out fast Never takes long for **** to go south I swear each time will be the last The next day I buy another pack I light you up and **** you down I look in the mirror; it starts to crack Others notice I’m dropping weight 30 lbs in 2 months, a strict diet of devotion and hate My grandma tells me I look great What’s my secret? Cigarettes and you; keep washing me away I’m burning up too fast too drown Still I can’t put you or this ******* cigarette down
I feel winter's grasp around the very being of my soul. It twists and turns with a desperation and tenacity that uncouths my being. Trying to squeeze out any pulp or sustenance whenever it's convienent. Although already spoiled and soured and bitter, it must'nt stop for there has to be more. There's always more to take, even if all the lemons are gone. Go farther into the roots, tap into the sap that runs along its trunk and branches. Life has given me lemons so why not take every single one of them for a glass of lemonade? My leaves turn yellow with fear but I must continue to keep giving. To keep producing lemons, to keep the leaves green. For if I can't anymore then what is my use? Where shall I quench my thirst? The gardener who provides water and shelter shall surely cut down my tree if it no longer provides and only takes space. But what is a lemon tree to demand such intricacies?
Haven't written poems in a few years. Wrote this and tweaked it a little within 40-45 minutes. Hope you like it.
i don't know how to accept that you don't hate me. no, don't tell me you don't. actually, please do. please, i need it. just to breathe. please, stop. i know you don't hate me, but do you know that i'm falling apart? does my love for you sink into your skin? does it reach around your heart and hold you so close you feel like you'll fall apart if there were even an inkling of doubt? is it noticeable? that i'm crumbling? that i don't know the difference between love and tolerance? can i accept it as fact when you say you love me? or will i continue to distance myself when really all i need to do is listen? and no, i'm not asking for reassurance. i'm begging. i need it. please, i need it just to breathe. please, stop.
what does the sky look like for you right now? go outside and breathe if you can.
Being told by friends you havent seen in a while that you "look good" or "look better" right as you are coming out of a long bout of depression just hits your heart different.
Because you as time passes think you're feeling okay, you think you are making progress, you think time is passing normally for you again... but it's hard to remember what is or was normal when you grew so used to feeling the way you did. Like coming out of an endless fog...
So to have someone accknowledge they can visibly see your progress... to have someone verbally commend you for... basically choosing to exist as yourself again... those comments just hit different.
There's a sad realization that you really weren't okay and it was noticeable... but there's also this weird sense of pride as you wait for the weight of it all to drag you down again - But it's different now.
There is not a consuming heavy darkness, but a manageable awareness of a shadowy part of yourself that you no longer feel tied to. A part of you that aches less with painful thoughts and bitter disappointment, and more for the light of understanding and rebirth.
And you realize; I did that. I taught myself how to stay aware... to heal... and not allow that dark to take hold again-
And it is actually slowly paying off.
Yes... I think I am feeling better. I am weary, sure- but I'm okay. I'm getting there.
Ramblings about the moment when your friends verbally accknowledge your improvements after months of being depressed.
"Goodbye, my love" She whispered. But she knew from experience - from the countless goodbyes she had murmured before today - that forming words of farewell was never harder than the anguish of learning to let go.