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I’m alright, I promise. You don’t have to worry.

I know that every note I give to you now sparks fear in the pit of your stomach, and you skim over my sentences looking for words like “suicide” and “I’m sorry.”

When I hand you a note, you examine every word. From my handwriting to the ink I use, you take in every detail. You read between the lines now even on a blank sheet of paper, where there aren’t any lines to read between.

Your eyes are trained to spot the differences now. My life has become a game of Clue where you are the only player.

When my voice cracks, even the slightest bit, your ears have been conditioned to tune in immediately. You are constantly scanning for hesitation when I talk. You watch me to see if my hands shake, or if I bite my lip. You are searching for the warning signs that you think you missed last time, even though I never showed any.

They say that when you lose one sense, your other senses grow stronger to compensate. We say that we’ve become so close, but what we mean is that we’ve always been codependent. We did not bond over shared trauma; we bonded over a mutual fear of being alone. Our anxieties have molded into one huge, chaotic mess. Our fears have become so tangled that neither of us know who is afraid of what anymore. The only fear I am certain of is the fear of losing you.

I lost my ability to feel anything, and you developed a sense of hypersensitivity to balance out my numbness. I stopped caring about myself, so you started caring about me even more. You feel too much when I feel nothing.

I know you won’t believe me, but this is not a suicide note. You don’t need to worry about me. I’d promise you, but I’ve broken so many promises that I know they have no meaning anymore.

I cause you pain. There’s no use in denying it; we both know it’s true. I’m not trying to push you away. Even if I did, I know you’d come back. I have been draining your happiness and health slowly. Now, I am trying to rip off this bandaid all at once.

I’d rather you hurt from this revelation of who I really am. I’d rather you hate me for being someone who takes the easy way out, than hurt you by letting you believe that I have the potential to be in love.

I am capable of loving, and maybe I don’t show it the way that I should, but I love you. God, you have no idea how much I love you.

What I am not capable of is trusting. I love you, but I can’t trust you. I have no trust left, not even for myself.

And what is there without trust? Love itself isn’t enough to build a relationship off of. We talk about love as if it is a miracle. In every fairytale, true love is what saves the princess. Love breaks the curse. Love can turn a frog into a prince, a beast into a man. We talk about love as if it cures all. But love isn’t as powerful as we make it sound. You can’t love someone back to life.

I don’t know if I even want to save myself anymore, and you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. I am so grateful for your love, but your love alone is not enough.

I’ve always said I’m a realist; you’ve always said I’m nothing more than a pessimist in disguise. Maybe that’s true, maybe I do see only the negative side of things. But those negatives have kept me safe. I prepare myself for the worst so that I can never be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised. I can never be let down. In a way, I guess we’re both right. Pessimism has been my reality. This numbness has been my reality.

When you’re done reading this note, please tear it up into a thousand tiny pieces. Rip it, crumble it, destroy it. Make it impossible to reread. Please throw it away and don’t dig it back up. Please walk away and don’t look back.

If you turn back around, and if I look into your eyes again, I know that I will not let you leave. I will pull you back to me and let this cycle of destruction begin all over again. I hurt myself, which hurts you, which hurts me. It will not end.

When you go through the photos of us on your phone, please go through them quickly. If you have to delete them, then delete them. Deleting a picture doesn’t delete the memory with it. I know that, but it’s a start. One less photograph is one less reminder of me. One day, when you’re strong enough, maybe you can go back and flip through our old albums. But by the time you are strong enough to live healthily without me, I doubt you’ll still have them saved. One day, you will leave me in the past. It’s hard for me to admit it, but I know that is where I belong.

When you climb into your bed at the end of the night, please do not remember me sleeping next to you. I know how wrong the bed will feel when you get up in the morning and notice that there is no warm spot left on the other side. I know how strange it will be to turn over and not roll into my arms. This loneliness will feel like a foreign language, but please, learn to understand it. The words will eventually feel natural on your tongue, even if it doesn’t happen until your tongue is in the mouth of someone new.

When what used to be our songs play on shuffle, please don’t ruin them with thoughts of me. I want you to be able to hear their lyrics without pain. You deserve to smile when songs begin to play. I don’t want you to have to turn the radio off. You deserve to blast your music loud, and to sing without embarrassment. You deserve someone who will dance with you around the kitchen the way that we did once. You deserve someone who makes you laugh, and who makes you feel loved. Despite what you have made yourself believe, you deserve better than this.

These songs deserve to mark happy occasions, not to bring up bad memories. They deserve to be sung to, not cried over. They deserve to be shared with someone who’d mention their titles to you in love letters, not someone who only writes you suicide notes.
eden Oct 2
my head
it's screaming it's pounding it's hurting
this pain is relentless
my body
it's aching it's shaking it's breaking
this pain is unforgiving
my lungs haven't worked the same since you
like they forgot how to
like I'm always holding my breath
is this the price of lost love
or is this just debt?
how much more
how much more of this
how much more do I owe?


I'm paying with my soul
with this scarlet blood and these fragile bones
I'm paying with these numbing tears
they plead for you to come back and
each one has a crushing gravity of it's own
I'm paying with these anxious sweats
and these mindless fears
this nauseating codependency
it's ****** the life right out of me
I promise, no
I swear
I've been dead since you
God, please tell me
how much more
how much more of this?


I don't think
I can take much more of this
time passes and passes
and it's still hurting just the same
maybe it's my own fault
for seeing him four times
resetting the clock
messing with my brain
but
years have gone by it shouldn't hurt this bad
I still miss him with everything
that I was made to have so
is this a curse?


everything feels disconnected somehow
I feel so alone here
it's just so cold here
where did you go?
why are you are so far away?
when did we grow this apart from one another?
you're everywhere around me
you're in my daydreams
you're in my nightmares
I see you in willow trees
it's the peace of laying next to you
I feel you in this hot breeze
it's the gentle way you caress me
the air kisses me sometimes
almost like the way you do


it's not enough but it's all I have


you're here for a moment
when you're in front of me
when I can see you
for those four impulsive nights
my lungs work somewhat the same
those are the only nights where I can breathe
just a little bit easier


and it's never enough but it's all I have


you still beat in this chest of mine
you still run through my veins
you still rest sweetly in my head
so where did you go?
will we ever close this gap?
this awful space
I hate it
this distance filled with empty
filled with words we never said out loud
I will always hate it


I'm afraid
afraid you went too far
afraid maybe I did
I don't want to believe in this
just for it to fall apart again
I would like for time to heal this distance
I would like for time to mend this gap
but I'm afraid
I'm so afraid it won't
because what if I'm just
holding on to something
I'm not meant to have anymore?
what if we have already felt all the pain we needed to
what if we have already taught each other our lessons
this love we claim to feel
is it just a trick from the ghost named nostalgia?


my love,
if time doesn't bring us back together
then I don't know what will






you              














                                                  ­          


                                

                                                 the empty



                                                  





­

              







                                                         ­                                                        me
ugh.
there is a pain
so quite particular
that it seems as if
there could be no other

not to compare to this one
when despite your very best
of efforts, you fall short, and
whether deserved or not, whether
based on bad information or bad actors

despite all of these things and many more
the pain to have the person or people you
love most dearly in the world, whether they
love you or not it makes no difference, that
these dearest and most cherished have made
it known so clearly and loudly that they really
don't like you very much, that I am unlikable
and it's not as if I haven't tried, God knows I
have put in the work, and it doesn't just happen,
it takes work, step work, awareness of the moment
I am in, not in one past or a possible future, I've
tried, and am still unliked, so where can I even
go from... from that, what direction can I take
when I cannot change what makes me me?
addiction, fully and completely, has taken my daughter away, my only child, 29 but despite all efforts otherwise, she still feels like my l'il gal. the first thought and feeling of the day jolts me out of those first hazy imaginings before fully waking, now my only sliver of peace. it was all a very long time in the making but still feels like the worst breakup X an order of magnitude, and she may never be back. and there is absolutely nothing more I can do to try to even change that, my l'il gal is out on her own, a daddy's girl minus the daddy, and all I can do now isive a life worthy of what I have yet to give, and make  sure I will be the safe, secure and loving place to land if she ever gets serious about getting sober and clean.

man, how precious those moments just upon waking, those sole moments of peace, before, "oh, that's right... ****", and the anxiety and sorrow are then just constant until exhaustion takes me sometimes 30 or 40 hours later. i dont know how long I can live like this, but i'm still grieving and it's a time to be gentle with myself, this biggest ever loss in life will take a lot of getting used to... but I know what i need to do and to be, and and i will, and i am, because I will never, ever stop being her dad.

I want this to end, this filling of every moment with a shock and a jolt, over and over without losing intensity, of the realization that she's out of my life for now, maybe forever, while i'm wearing out our old photo albums. and I miss you my brittany b.
You are
both present
and absent

***** sang you
to impenetrable
sleep,

my cold fingers
reach,
but still you slip
away from me

you leave me
to shadows,
alone
to hold the horrors
that tumble
from my mind

your eyes are open
but you don't
see me cry
JA Perkins Jun 8
Quitting you
is easy -
I've done it a
thousand times..
he's smoking
another last
cigarette,
just outside

I peek
between
dusty blinds

let him
burn away
all my time
Myrrdin Aug 1
I built this ending back in February,
Leaving work to make sure I didn't miss you,
Cancelling plans just to watch you live,
I can pretend I never loved you,
Yet I built more of myself on your well being,
Than I ever did on my own sanity,
When it is was never you that I wanted,
Just your love I had to prove I could earn.
Isaac Jun 27
Alone another night, victim to my mind
Trying to write the feelings down, scratch that and rewrite
None of the words and sentences accenting the pain enough
I am tired of this replaying movie, can it stop?
Manifest something different as the sun descends
Hoping that I can have a partner in crime to cry to
Another lonely night hoping that Clyde can save my life
Maybe not save per se but alleviate this pain
Of being stray harboring waterfalls of strain
Give me a rush like ******* but do not hurt me the same
Waiting for my Clyde in vain
Let us wait
I hate that
the broken part of me
always aches
to please
every single
man I meet

As if
I must
serve them
keep them happy
or else they will
turn on me

It doesn't matter
that I hiss to my body
"this is a coping mechanism
we no longer need"
One of the ways the old wound bleeds
I hate that I
let myself be
a discarded doll
cast onto the floor
laying still and
holding my breath
while you pass out

I hate that I
put my life
on pause
forget to drink
forget to eat
can't make myself
do anything
while you
sleep it off
on the couch

I hate that I
somehow cease
to be
when you
disappear from me
Struggling to be my own person
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