Surrounded
Unheld
my hand please
I can't let it be taken
Black around white
a single speck
static in my ears
can't take it. not my hand
found
around
backwards
static in my ear and lots of it
I see spoken words in writing
people turn away when hurt
I'm stuck staring
not my hand.
no noise to block out my thoughts
speck
black
white
repeat each step without hesitation
listen, follow, no thinking allowed
I break it as soon as it's said

By playing hatred for attention
       the ones who need it are ignored.
Drip
           Drip
                        Drip
                         Shaking, fidgeting
                                          tape around cotton *****
                red seeping through my shirt sleeve
                    They're going to see what I did
What I've become
What I always was inside.
It's no one's fault but my own
.     .     .
But they don't give a ****.

Nostalgia for something that never was
And things that never will be again
Watermelons while sitting in cold tubs outside
Happy golden days beneath a window's warmth

Which one could have ever been real?
Were all those memories I created fake?
Am I the real version of myself?
Or just another way to cope with what I've done?

To what extent have we followed the dreams of mortal men? Conjuring the images of glass and metal, bending it to our will.
All the while destroying the world of plants and wood.
And yet-
These religions tell us that the End will be brought by deities and demons. It seems as if to say we are the demons, as when the world of green dies, so will we as punishment for mass consuming and wasteful manners.
So we will die

But it's too late to stop now, it's already the middle of the ending.

Footsteps
Once more I hear the sound of footsteps following me
Once more the fear and warm breath tickling my neck
It has always followed me, this sudden panic
This feeling to pack everything up and run
Run as far as I can see and further
Past the mountains and seas and worlds
Until the footsteps make no sounds
And the breath rustles not a single blade of grass
at my feet

Is it my own footsteps?
Is it merely the wind?
I don't know anymore.

The lights switch off
But the smile stays
Plastered on and
Completely fake
It won't come off
It never will
Tears begin to fall
Smiling still
The screams are heard
across the house
no one cares
it's normal now
Breaking into pieces
thoughts locked in cages
break down the walls
and rewrite your pages

Give me a letter
Find me a word
tell me something
that  I've never heard

Make me a story
Write me a song
I will always be there
I have been all along

But if you should stop
If you should quiet
I will leave you forever
alone in the silence

Blocked my tears with ivy walls
Hearts are painted on my window
Lights are strung up in my room

It's all pretty now

Pretty lonely.

Replace the memories with post-it notes.
Re-write the history that created who I am
those paragraphs of information erased from my thoughts.
I will save myself
sew and stitch my own flesh
and paint my bones
Creating new memories and paragraphs and post-it notes
Until I get it perfectly wrong
And my corkboard brain is covered in neon paper
and my hands are covered in paper cuts and glitter glue
and my heart becomes as covered
in as much barbed wire as there is stickers.

My nose is dripping
something wet
it's falling to the ground
plip, plip
I look up at you.
With your
****** fist
and angry scowl
Sadistic eyes
widened with glee
I'm just a little kid
I can't fight back.
I rub the blood off
And stand up
bracing for more

Coffee and muffin on a Saturday outing by yourself
Cuddles on a winter day with no one but a blanket
Bubble bath and candles, in a dimly lit room
Reading on a rainy day

You don't always need others
To be happy

Please notice what I've done
My pride is hurting from the things that
I spent hours on
Instead the ones I barely think of
are liked more above the rest
In fact the ones I barely think on
to me are just grotesque
See what I can really do
'A river is a thought of defiance
A flower the hated love between the two'
See what I can say, draw, and write
What I hear and know
Please tell me that you love them and me
Please do not let me go

Twisting and turning
the stems are snapping
My mind can't take this wait
---
Burning and simmering
the petals make a tea
I don't want to drink your poison anymore
---
Listening
---
Waiting
---
Why won't someone save me?
I'm alone in this world
tied to a chair
---
no one is ever here.

What exactly is happiness? Is it the hollowness in the chest when you've stopped crying and you feel like there's nothing left to do? Is it that feeling of wanting the world to stop so you can enjoy just a few more seconds of silence?
Is it being with friends and laughing until your gut hurts but then crying when you go home? Is it addictive like a drug?
Is the withdrawal from happiness the symptoms of depression?
does that mean we need happiness like we need oxygen?
Are we okay?
If the past can overshadow the present then what's the point of reminding ourselves about it?
There will always be bad things, we can't change that.
No. We could change that.
We just don't want to. Happy is fleeting and never stays. that's why we want it. We would hate happy if we had it forever.
But we chase it in circles, like greyhounds on a track, coming across it only to realize that it was fake all along and the real happiness
the real glow and joy
was that small second before the race, when you felt like you were finally going to reach it
And now?
Now you don't have it. Because you believed it would fix your problem.
Well. To the ones who believed they have found happiness I must ask you
Did it?

There wasn't a chance
And yet I must've hoped

Why else would it hurt this much?

We've locked ourselves
in rooms of steel
created safe places
designed like prison cells
everyone says there is no way
to escape
without someone to call out our name
and no way to be free
without a light to guide us through the maze

But it will always have to be our feet
that takes us through this hell
And our own eyes
that will lead us well

Relying on others to help you is wrong
a delusion taught to you
through poems, stories, and songs
It will only be you and your willingness to heal
But that does not mean you have to walk alone
to break down all your seals

Stop this searching for that 'one true love'
the more you look
the further your real goals will become
to truly love another
is to forgive and mend yourself
because resenting your actions
only hurts everyone else
you do not love if you hurt and hate
it will only be your hands
that opens your heart's gate.

True love takes work
true love takes time
it only comes across your heart
when you work hard to be of sound mind
But what would I know?
I'm only sixteen

what experience would I have gone through
to really know what that love means?

Most don't understand this statement and think they do
they look at their children and love them always
But that is wrong
Why look and say such hateful things 'out of love'

Unconditional
There are no strings.
You don't need to earn me.

Even if I love you that way, Best Friend
You can love whom ever you wish
And as long as you are smiling, I am smiling too
I feel no pain from your choices
Jealous, yes
But you are here to laugh and smile with me
And that is enough for the likes of me

My love is wrong in the eyes of the sane
to them it seems my love is irrational
possessive, obsessive
chained to my wrists
I suppose it's my fault
I suppose it's all their's
I think I'm forgetting the normal thoughts
and feelings a person is to have
Clinging onto the familiar
and what was thrown at me when
I was younger.
It scares some away
and brings others closer

There's a phone in the corner of my bag
Where I tell the people I love I need out
I called the other Them to help me
The people my mother was always running from

The people who would finally take me away