Like a lamb to the slaughter
She drags along her daughter

Unaware of the blood behind her
Her chest scraping the gravel ground

She pleads out to her mother
Let me walk let me free

Looking straight ahead
The mother says
Don't you dare bother me

The audacity
Of your tongue
To be shaped like a flower
But to speak like a serpent

The animosity
Of my chest
It heaves each time your near
You pollute my very air

Disgust and contempt
Don't begin to explain
How much I seeth
When I hear your vile name

Eyes are on you
Stolen glances
A chill air fills the room
Their bodies turn away
They turn to whisper
You wish you could hear what they say

As though the walls grew
Thicker
Closer

You feel your legs turn to move
Nearer to the exit

In your mind
Your invite has burned to ashes
As you go to leave
A sarcastic voice hums
"Please stay, your presences matters"

Looking deep in your eyes
I see colour but no life

You smile vacantly at me
As though you have nowhere to be

You tell me you're fine
For your connection I pine

You used to let me in
Now talking to you is a sin

Where have you gone
What have I done wrong

I reach for your touch
Maybe I'm too much

The version of me you never met
Was the best secret that I ever kept

False smiles and a witty joke
You'll never see past the positivity cloak

Why would I tell you I'm not fine
When you don't let me in your mind

Hair up and makeup done
You'll never see me in the evening sun

Meals prepped, trash stashed away
You hear only what I want to say

Even this account is best kept private
If you knew my truth, you'd never survive it

I had a dream about you
It wasn't sad, it wasn't joyful
It wasn't even blue

Oddly I dreamt of you as villian
Hands around my brother's neck
Eyes full of cruel intent

Though the nightmare left me shaken
I'd rather dream of you again
Than be rudely awaken

You are loved
You are kind
That's what they say to say

You are strong
You are driven
That's what they preach

Affirmations only go so far
When your beliefs have left a scar.

I hoped that you’d protect me from myself

I never thought I’d have to protect myself from you

Seeping through the walls,
Slamming open doors,
Her past haunts her.

Her mouth is taped shut,
With a growling gut,
Shadows taunt her.

She knows that she's here,
With nothing to fear,
Her heart ignores her.

Her lungs force air,
Trying not to stare,
She's in control now.

Scuttering away,
The shadows decay,
Back into memory.

Today, I stood underneath the bridge.
I looked up at how high I was going to fall in.
My eyes still hurt now from the tears I cried.
“No one cares about you” a voice whispered.
A loud ‘DING’ frightened me, it was followed by an annoying vibration.
They were calling me. They were worried about me.
I didn’t want to be under the bridge today.
The whisper led me here.
They tell me that once I’m gone, everything will be easier for everyone.

Then I think about my brother with no home.
My boyfriend left alone.
My siblings with no middle sister.
My class with no teacher.
My flatmates with no rent.

It would only be easier for me.
So I carry on, hoping that one day I’ll feel less empty.

To feel
All and intensely
To care
Fully and endlessly

Is it weak?
Or is a strength?

Confusion fogging my mind,
I struggle to accept my empathy
For people
For situations
Not relevant to my own
But relevant enough
To consume me
In second hand grief

I’m drowning
Yet emerging

Can I handle these emotions
And still support those in need?

It’s a question I constantly ponder.
With another outbreak,
It’s a question I need to answer.

In the distance
A light began to shine
Sitting on the porch
We waited curiously

A soft tap was heard
The tapping grew louder
As we exchanged glances
A lady’s voice called out to us

“Stop it” She yelled.

In the distance
The light grew brighter and hungrier
As quick as an engine roared to start
The roar just as quickly, came to a halt

Frustrated murmurs
Fists against glass
He wanted his keys
Leave her alone, please

I imagined the stench of his whiskey stained breath
As possible scenarios invaded my head
Was she safe? Was he drunk?

I asked these questions out loud
But I don’t remember any answers
Searching for them myself
I stumbled closer to the sound

Now she was screaming.
Don’t hurt me
Please don’t hurt me
There’s a baby

I had to help her.

Running back towards the group
No memory of talking to them
I’m sure that I did
I only remember

Gritting my teeth
Closing my eyes
Covering my ears
Trying to block out the sound

Her screams and cries for help
Slowly morphed and twisted
Into my brothers voice
His six year old voice

The tapping on the window
Became the rattling of a bunk bed
The woman’s screams and yelling
Became my baby brothers cries for help

I’ve gone backwards.
10 years.

It’s been three days since
I heard her yell
And three days since
his screams began

It’s been three hours since
I took the pill bottle
And three hours since
I put it down again

As sweet as candy
Don’t you think watermelons dandy?

It’s got seeds
It’s nice and fresh
It’s green

There’s no other fruit in sight
I’d like to eat

Tight in my grip
I feel your nails slip
Digging deep
Digging hard
She says to me
He left me a card

As you breathe out
I **** in
Wondering
Where all my life
have you been?

Roll forward
Clench the cutch
I look at you and
How I love you so much

Ice crawls across the window pane,
As I sigh,
The warmth of my breath
Creates a cloud of whiskey stained air.

Outside, the wind screams.
It howls like a dog,
Desperate to be let in.
Desperate to escape the cold.

With a flash of light,
Howling turns to yelling
And the knocks of the wind
Suddenly turn into
Knocks of a fist against a drywall.

Thud. Crash.
Grab your popcorn.
The sounds of a storm,
Have pressed play.

Once again,
I’m taken back to a time
Where the storm is caused by a man
Not the sky.

It’s been two months
Two months
Since I
Heard your screams
Wiped your tears
Held you close
Two months
Since I gave you
Up

You begged
You pleaded
I had no choice
She’s your mother
I’m sorry

You’re back
You’re back and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Will you please-

Your words sing to me
Your laughter ignites something within me
I feel light
I feel safe
I feel at home with you

You’re here
You’re here and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Please, will you love me?
Really?

You don’t care enough to fight for me
I care so much that I don’t fight for myself

You say you have to sort yourself out
That you don’t want a relationship with me
But you still want me around?

I hope you sort yourself out
I hope you realise you want me when it’s too late to have me
I hope that you realise you love me when I love myself so much that I don’t need your attention

You’re a young boy
You have a heart of gold but your laziness over time got old
Youre going through a lot and so I am
We need time to find ourselves
I just hope that I also find myself away from the phone when I’m sad and alone

Every first message, every “I miss you” makes me feel more and more desperate and pathetic for a love and acceptance that I was never given

It’s not your fault that I lack love
Why should he have to fill a hole he never dug?

I need to do that for me
I need to do the filling on my own

So that I can be proud of myself and love myself

I’ve been filling my hole for a while why should I hand the shovel over for fives minutes?
Why should I give away sole credit for my resilience?

I’m not a project
Why am so palming off to-do lists to whoever gives me love

I didn’t need love then
I don’t need love now
I’m learning to love myself and until then I’ll share that with who deserves to be around

Tell me why
The children of Africa are brung up
Only when I try to scream for help

Tell me why
An echoe implodes inside my mind
Nothing is wrong, its all a show

Like white draped over corpses
Your comparisons muffle my cries

A broken leg is still a broken leg
After a thousand broken necks

So

Depression is still depression
After a couple of sadistic ******

Preparing dinner
Tying a knot
Swallowing medicine
Running a bath
Driving a car

Tools to live with
Tools to take life with
I want to block out the difference

Flax blades
Howling birds
The tears of strangled mountains

Flip a coin
The land of the long white cloud
A sun so bright
The shadows are buried
7 feet below
Alongside those whose eyes
Were convinced
The coin only flipped one side

Chest full to the brim
Waterfalls spill over

You pick up the piece
There falls another

While bending to help
I see scissors on my lover
Laid in his hands
The blood provides cover

You cut out a piece
There falls another

With tired eyes
I look to you and say
"Thanks for putting me back together".

I have work to do
I have people to see
My rooms a mess
My shows on TV

I have to leave
I have to leave

I'm just so sorry

Just breathe
Just breathe

Hold me a little tighter
Love me a little longer
Plan for me
Care for me
Protect me

Maybe then, I won't be so b-b-b...

I can feel it in my chest

When I see her face
When I hear her name

If her face was mine
And my body was fine

Would you pull me up when I sink below the two metre diving line?

I love you
I can feel that you don't feel the same
The same way you can feel someone is watching
How can you convince me?
You simply can't
You could love me more than spring loves  bloom
And I'd still be looking for hints that it's still winter

When the sun rolls her eyes
A soft whisper reminds him
You’re home free once you lay inside

Barbed wires and lilac thieves
He's cloaked from head to toe
The Promised Land saws at his knees

Raising her head, she cries
Only not for stars or dreams
But to fill as though she is ten, not five

It’s the destination, not the journey they say
Preaching as though you don’t have soil to stay

Listening into the black and white picture screen
Ripples draped in red
They are not called she, he, only thing

Stripped of
Care
Consideration
Left less than animals

Tell me again why you believe this man covered in cloth
Is any less than the man who hides behind a rock