My name is Nikita
I am 19

I was 6
when he ***** me
my sister was 3

I was 7
when I realized I'm human

I was 10
when he killed my dog in front of me

I was 12
when he played strip poker with me

I was 13
when he attempted suicide

3pm, in the next room

I was 14
when I leaned out the ledge of a bridge

Fast forward to 19

I'm alive
I'm safe
I'm strong

With you, I'm meant to feel safe

But when I see you
I see him

Why can't I remember?
I'm blocking it, why can't I just-

Who hur-

Where did it-

Why would they-



Sorry, what were we talking about?

Headaches
Come in all
Shapes
Sizes
Forms

Headaches
Come and
Go

They are tempory

Your pain
Is tempory too

"What almost killed me never made me stronger at all"

"If a flower bloomed in a dark room
Would you trust it?"

Its weird
I want you but I don't
I need you but I can survive on my own
I love you but I love you enough to know I shouldn't

Im so confused
Im so lost
I care so much but so less
None of this makes any sense

Can you just make it clear
Clear enough for me to hear
Whether you're just as confused or that Im just in the wrong state of mind.

Everyone has a story so don't close your eyes just because you believe your story is worse or better because you'll get lost
Life isnt a competition, its a journey.
We need to help others or
Noone will be there to catch us when we fall
Because we were too busy focused on our own lives that we didnt even realise we were creating a social wall

If I've learnt anything from this year
Its that you need to plan ahead
Set yourself goals and stick to them

It may be hard
It may be boring
But in the end itll be rewarding

I don't want to lose you
But I'm scared
That you will never talk to me again
That I'll never hug you again

And I'm terrifyed
Completely terrifyed
That you aren't scared
That you wouldn't mind if we never crossed paths again
That you could happily live on knowing I died

All I've ever wanted to be is a hero
I want to be a good person
A kind person

But to you Im a monster
Im the villian and far from being a good person

The wall clock ticks like the timer on a bomb.
I can't stop it, reverse it or slow it down.
Each tick drags me forward, helpless and nervous to the allotted time.
I can no more avoid it than the beating of my own heart as it pounds with futility against it's cage of bone and cartilage.
The dread is an invisible demon sitting heavy on my shoulders and only I can hear the sharpening of it's knives.
I sweat and become pale, then the tremor in my hands begins.

I'm trying I swear
I never wanted to the monster
I never wanted to cause fear

Its harder than it looks
Trying to keep a smile or a straight face
When you're seconds away from bursting into tears

I just want my family
I just want my friends

But I guess I'm too talented at ******* things up

I feel as though Im out
Im free
I can be who I want to be

Im no longer trapped in a place I used to call home

For home is where you're truely happy
Which for me is elsewhere

Drama
Chaos

Raised with it
Raised for it

I want to be kind
I want to have a sweet mind

But forever I will always be what my parents raised me to be

Dressing up isnt me
It makes me feel like an object

Yes, I like to look nice
Yes, I care about what I look like
But it's the constant worrying of not looking good enough that gets me

What to wear
What to say
What do I do with my hair
What do I do with my face

Green eyes
Blue eyes
Brown eyes
Hazel eyes
Yellow eyes
Turquoise eyes
Deep eyes
Dark eyes
Detailed eyes
Simple eyes
Light eyes

I dont know about you but they are all incredibly beautiful to me

Instead of focusing on someones appreance, just focus on their eyes because you'll be sure to fall in love with them forever

It may sound cheesy but its the truth
Things will get better in time I promise you

There will always be a rainbow after a storm, you just have to look hard enough

There will always be people willing to help, including myself

You are all so unique
You are all gorgeous

Just promise me this

That you wont end your life
Because of a bad day

I've cried more this week than I usually do in a year

Need to harden up

Sick of being talked down to

You know what hurts me?
So ******* much?

Is that the last time we properly talked
It was about my lungs
About how Im scared of young death

I trusted you enough to tell you
I trusted you enough to let it out

But not once.
Not once did you ask me how I was doing
Not once did you check up on me

And it hurts
It hurts
So much

That I could've died and it wouldnt have effected you at all.

Im an artist that specialises in masks
I can make you see only what I want you to see

My masks vary in shapes and sizes
Tough
Sharp
Happy
Smiling
Doing fine
Doing great
To block you out
To let you in

I control how people see me
Thats unless they know how to take off the mask

I know its weird
Like I should've gotten over it months ago

But I think Im still in love with you

No, I wont do anything about it
No, I wont say anything about it
But I will always care
And I will always be here

Sick of feeling ugly
Sick of feeling below everyone else
I just want to look desirable
I want to wear no makeup and be able to smile
I want to look in the mirror without expecting it to crack

I want to be loved
For who I am
The way I look

But if the sayings true
That I have to love myself before you do
Then I guess Ill always be an alone mess

You don't even say hi anymore
You hang out with people who value wealth and looks over kindness
Change can't be stopped
But I never thought
That one day Id barely recognise you

The earths been around for approximately 46 billion years
Now lets turn that into 46 years
Humans have only been here for 4 hours
We've been here for less than a second
And yet look at our world now

We may not have been here long
But long enough to detroy the world we live in

If I have ever told you
"Ily" or "love ya"
Then you probably mean alot to me
Its one of the hardest things for me to say
Even when its meant casually
Because Ive been rejected so often
That Im kinda terrified to be rejected again

Maybe
Just maybe
If I looked better
Maybe life would be easier?

Id rather love a cactus
It'd hurt less

Purpose
We all have one I suppose
What are you here for?
Love? Madness? Money? Sadness?

Well Im here for the adventure
No, not jumping off cliffs
But to live each day not knowing what will come next
To improve, to upgrade
I feel as though Im also here to help, to heal but also to break and destroy
Because sometimes we are the lesson
To someone elses journey

We all have a purpose
Its just up to you to make it

Sometimes things get tough
People get mean
Things go without meaning
And people get hurt
But I have an addiction
An addiction to oxygen and life
I have an addiction to seeing smiles
And hearing certain voices
I have an addiction to the simple things in life
Yes, its hard
But the day I break my habit
Is the day I die
And my friend,
This addiction is not something that can be broken from rehab
This addiction
Is literally for life

Have you ever seen a diamond?
Its cut and rough
Imperfect
Yet still as beautiful as ever
Just remember that

I can be painted
I can be decorated
I can be destroyed
Or I can be taken down
Piece by piece

You can try to get over me
But you'll never be able to walk through me
You can talk but I wont listen
You can ask but I wont answer

I can look nice
I can look plain
I can look destroyed
I can look like nothing but a pile of bricks

It just depends on how you treat me

I still worry about how I look 24/7
I still feel like crying everytime Im in large crowds
I still choke up when I have something to say
I still need to speak up
Because you could'nt hear my voice from one foot away

But Im getting better
Its hard but Im getting there

My random out burst of anger arent helping though but thats barely under my control

So dont taunt me
Dont make "oOoOo" noises after I've gotten mad
Its not my fault
And if you dont understand then maybe you should stop making me feel like ****

But Ive gotten better
Suicidal thoughts are a thing of the past
And Im so glad they didnt last

Ive gotten better
I can control my tears now
I can control the way I act most times

And I guess its for the best
That I just forget about the rest

You ask:
Whats wrong
Are you okay
Tell me

As though you're actually interested in my emotions
So I tell you but only to realise that once you've heard you want to hear

You
Switch
Off

Leaving me feel exposed and judged
I just told you something very personal to me yet you don't say anything?

You don't care about my feelings
You just want to
Know
Know everything that goes on

Because by nature you're a hopeless gossip
You don't even have to act

That's why I can't trust you one bit
And neither should anyone else

I try to grab your attention
But you just shrug and turn away
I try to smile at you
Be a **** to you
But you don't seem to care
Just stuck in a world of fear

Im scared
So ******* scared
That you're not okay
That you say you're fine
Simply to keep me away

I don't understand
If something's wrong
Then talk about it
Or draw about
Just please, please don't bottle it up

Its weird to say
but I love you in a mate kind of way
If anything were to happen to you-





I don't know what I'd do.

All you do is put me down
Shut me down
And laugh

You're a ******* princess
Thinking you're cool
Just because you hang with a group of people that seem to think they're better than everyone else

You always have your nails done
Your eyebrows done
Your hair done
Everything has to be perfect

Im not a girly girl
Im not rich
Im just a white chick
Who couldve give two *****

I used to think you were my friend
That you were nice
But the only reason I ever thought that
Is because you were using me
Since you had noone else

We were best friends
Great friends
But now I wonder why
I dont want anything to do with you anymore
All you do is make me feel like Im below you
That Im not good enough
That Im not cool enough

You know what?
Go **** yourself.

Its like Im on shore
And you're in a boat
But instead of pulling towards me
Away you float

Breathe like the sea
Whisper like the trees
Dance like the wind
And let your journey begin

You
Me
Everyone else
We're always changing
Evolving
Learning
And growing

But forcing a change is different
Forcing a change can be great or cruel
Because what is natural
Shouldnt be tested.