That confident and bubbly person I was yesterday?
She's gone now
She was too fake to live long in this world
But I'm here. You can call me bipolar

I never thought about it that much
But making conversation is really hard stuff
Put me on stage without a script and I'll shine
Put me in a group of girls and I'll cry
Because I'm a one of a kind extroverted introvert
Really ******* confident and out of it
But incredibly ******* shy
I never really thought about what I say that much
I think the most honest form of communication is touch
If I want you out of my space I'll mumble "go away"
But my actions are a lot louder throwing a punch at your face
I struggle over Facebook when you say "what up"
Because I'll say "hey" and immediately log out
Its like my personality wants to be known
But my words are muffled and rarely shown
I'm a one of a kind extroverted introvert
I don't expect you to understand

I look down on you without pity
The view is breathtaking from up here
I could never abuse you, use you, confuse you
But I will spit on you and pull your hair.
It's one thing to push you around
It's another to call you mine
It's one thing to kiss you on the nose
It's another to fill you with wine.
You beg you plead you kiss my feet
I come down from the sky's above
Because even though I call you my pet
I do it out of true love

I am the eclectic witch
There are no gods to tell me how to live
But the wind howls my fate
Where the rain falls I will dance
Because I prefer sandalwood to perfume
I am the eclectic witch I have no coven
Only the flora and fauna
And the tip of a blade
Where grass grows I will prance
Because I prefer metaphysics to religion

In winter I bundle up tight in layers of warmth
Like a love I've never felt
Draping scarf over hoody over sweater over skivvy
The wind bites my button nose and reminds me of a love
A love I know too well
Bitter cold brief sickening and harsh
I catch my eye in an ice smitten mirror and I'm torn
My eyes look like hell
How could anyone love me like warmth and fall
For this fat face of shame, tears and freckles
Even if they do
They'll never tell.

Bitter shouting remedies
Wailing in the streets
Beggars wanting more than just
The crumbs off royal seats
Fancy ******* lunatics
Brainwashing people like twits
So ******* what
If I'm female
And want to ***** her ****?

How doth thou wake with an aching need?
For femmes and games and **** loads of ****?
To he who dost appreciate the weight of a lass
As spindly and petite with one hell of an ***?
Dost thou think for a mo...
That the only love felt tis that of a ***
Thou wast the only one left in the bar
With an overdose of E and a fool hearty scar
Nay my dear boy as one could only believe
A fuckboi thou art, and a fuckboi thou'll be

I love you
As a lover
As a friend
As a poet
As a trend
For the time being
And then on
I love you
For all that you are
Was
And will be
I love you
Heart and soul
Mind and lungs
I love you

In my own space
In my own time
I turn the Wifi on and suddenly...
The world bursts into my face
Fashion! Weddings! Crime!
Could you not?
The door opens and suddenly...
"Do you like my new pants?
What are you doing?
Can I watch you?"
Could you ******* not?
My phone vibrates violently
Message after message
"Y r U ignring me"
"Answr me"
"wanna chat?"
Could you just  not?
Vibrate
Vibrate
Vibrate
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvv­vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Harass me why don't you
Un-friend me while you're at it
Block me for all I care
Just please,
**COULD YOU ******* NOT!

Baby won't you stay?
Just once don't leave
Stay a little longer
I want you here
With me
Baby put down your phone
I'm struggling to compete
With this social media wall
You hold between you
And me
Baby keep me warm tonight
I love you can't you see?
Despite the coldness of our hands
You and I
Are meant to be

I. Am. Bipolar.
I have my highs
I have my
                    lows
I will be laughing about my life one minute
And crying about it the next
My switch is one or the other
But sometimes the switch breaks

And that is the scariest part

The numb feeling
Senseless
Hopeless
Unfeeling
Dead
Wanting to be nothing at all for a moment
So I don't sleep
Or eat
Or sometimes even move
I am a slave to my mental illness
I sometimes watch my friends lose interest
In anything I have to say
Until something knocks the edge and the switch is adjusted
And so is my mood
Then everything is fine
Or ******* awful

I. Am. Bipolar.

I would ask you to grow a tumor
But you'd **** that up too

Have I gone too far?
Does he still love me?
Am I still making sense?
Does he hate me?
Am I being unfair?
Putting too much pressure on him?
Did I say something wrong?
Am I being too clingy?
Should I ignore him?
Or avoid him completely?
Maybe we're not meant to be?
Maybe the timings all wrong?
Will I ever be enough?
Do I deserve his touch?
Does he want me alive?
Am I better off dead?
Will these pills even work?
Or will I just fall asleep?
Will I ever wake up?
Am I dead yet?
Maybe....

Paper dolls gathered all around
With sticks and stones
And bones in the ground
All wait in line for venom
To course through the pins of violent delights
Ice and fire
Fire and ice
Voodoo in its politest form
Whimsy, witchcraft and throwing rice
Burn the ghosts of a ferocious past
And a love left forlorn

Burnt my lip on a cigarette while I was thinking of you
I hate to say it but I think I wanted it too
My gut hurts and twists and feels so ******* distraught
All because you loved me and left me without second thought.
I know you're not mine and I'm not yours either
I know she's better and without habit and a believer
But it still ***** to know you won't reply
Because I lost you and you got what you wanted, all in one night.

For once in my life I am speaking out
Not just in the form of a violent excuse of a poem
But to the faces of those who make me pout
For once in my life I'm saying what I mean
It takes courage to be honest to even myself
Courage I never ******* had it seems
Chaotically formed and tumbling from my spout
If speaking my mind makes me a *****
Then let me be the biggest ***** and hear me shout
Because you've had me on and stuck like an itch
I've had about enough so hear me out
Such friends you all are excluding me
From your games and fun and goss and parties
While I sit and watch and try to believe
That every nasty thing you say is not about me
I get it, you're right, I talk about things
That you can't relate to
As love to you is all about rings
I've gone through more than any of you
Would care to hear about from my ramblings
I've outgrown you all before you gave me a chance to prove
My worth is not worn out by nasty old things
Like you and her and the rest of your gang
So let your jaws drop at my sudden burst of honesty
Because you're heads are in your own *****
And you don't deserve to be eaten by me

Sometimes I choke back tears
Sometimes I hinder in doorways
Sometimes I'm just numb
But I'm always throwing up anti depressants
Sometimes I feel like nothing at all
Sometimes I use the scissors
Sometimes I OD
Then I'm throwing up anti depressants
Sometimes I think it's all okay
Sometimes I smile again
Sometimes it's not worth it
So I'm throwing up anti depressants
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever wake
Sometimes I wonder if I want to
Sometimes my dreams are everything
I'm just throwing up anti depressants

As much as I love you
I'd rather a cigarette right now
Because even though it could **** me
It never grabbed my throat
And squeezed
Only filled my head with smog
And lungs with tar
And my mouth with a taste I could never forget
Unlike you
So yes
I'd rather a cigarette right now
As much as I love you

Meet me where the rising sun won't glow on our faces
When the hour strikes time aghast as hurried hands tie laces
Meet me at the scraggly wharf by the river
Where lips whisper on each others breath and trembling tongues quiver
Take me in the darkest corner of the the old abandoned shed
Love me like no other man or I shall have your head

No drugs for me they **** with my head
No alcohol either
I say everything that shouldn't be said
Videogames are just no fun
Binge watching **** can ******* undone
Reading gets boring
So does Facebook, pinterest and Skype
Hanging out with some people PAH
I don't have a single one who's my type
I don't like the gym or watching movies all day
I don't like children I never learned how to play
I'm not fussed on cooking and sewing gets old
I've grown out of my friends
That's a fact I've been told
So what can a person do when they don't click with the rest
And being alone brings tears no less
It looks like I'll never fit in

There are walls
Walls you can scale
Some you cannot
Walls you can go around
Some you put up
Its these walls that my fiancé has
And some people peek through
But I tear it down brick by brick
And get nothing but bruised.
Alas! I have made it
But it seems I'm mislead
The person behind it
Is well and truly dead.

All this time I thought I had become shallow
That I lacked substance
Worth
A life worth living
But now I realize how shallow you are
Shallower than the pool of tears
I cry for you
Get out of your ******* bubble
Put down your phone
And start talking to me
I'm going through depression and all you can do is demean it
Why don't you just look up
And catch my tears
And show you understand
We are an amazing couple but I can't fight the screen for your eyes
Or be stuck inside your room
Any longer
I've lost myself trying to fit your routine
When you can't show a little compassion or eye contact
You are my world now
I'd love it if I could get to know it better
And that maybe you'd show an interest in what you don't know
About me
Shallow lover
Look beyond my smile and my quiet voice
There's a lot lurking deep below
It's an everlasting well
I have the richest waters
If only you would close Facebook
And dive in

He talks like a fool
But oh when he sings
My knees done melted
At my hearts plucked strings
The wolf does howl
The wolf does cry
But when he sings
It brings a tear to my eye