silenced by my self-doubt
before I can say a word, because,
if you forgave me, it'd mean nothing,
and I don't know how to forgive myself.
In my thoughts, I whimper,
over and over again--
that when I tried to hold your hand
when you were sad
you didn't want me to,
you pulled away because I make everything worse.
that when I worry about you
paranoia screams in the back of my mind
til I'm begging you, just to stop it,
just to listen, even though
every word just shows that I'm delirious.
I'm sorry that the way you look at me
makes me wish that I could be weak
because I want you to comfort me,
I want you to lie and say that it's okay
and that you don't mind doing that for me.
that I'm not so
that you can't stand to look away.
I'm sorry my hands
aren't the perfect temperature
to complement yours
if I held them
my eyes aren't deep enough
to get lost in, that my hair isn't
short enough for you to
brush your fingers through
I'm sorry I can't
****** you, I'm sorry I can't
twist your will or
cry in such a way that it
makes you do whatever I want
I'm sorry that I don't make
the sun rise in the morning,
or paint the moon in the sky at night,
or hang the stars, one by one,
all the while, thinking you're more beautiful,
because I can't and you're not.
I'm not perfect,
I'm sorry I'm not god
I'm sorry that my voice doesn't
sound like music and my face isn't
ever-present in your dreams.
I'm sorry that if it came down to it
you'd leave me in a heart beat,
I'm sorry I'm not beautiful or
brilliant enough to make you regret that.
I'm sorry you don't think I'm your soulmate,
I'm sorry we're not dating I'm sorry you don't
want to **** me I'm sorry you can't trust me
I'm sorry I'm not in love with you, I'm sorry
you're not my first choice, I'm sorry you're just
my friend, I'm sorry I haven't always known you,
I'm sorry I get mad when you ignore me, I'm sorry
I tried to tell you the truth even when you didn't like it
I'm sorry I want to protect you I'm sorry you don't have
someone like I do and that it hurts you, every day--
I'm sorry that my love is normal,
just a feeling inside me and not some bright,
angelic miracle that burns forever, keeping you warm
But most of all,
I'm sorry that all of that makes it
so that you can't see how much I care about you.
and I'm not all that sorry because I shouldn't be,
because I am this way,
and I'm still important--
not to you