As I sit here in the dark,
It’s so silent…
But, at the same time, it really isn’t.
What exactly is silence when there is always n o i s e?
Of our minds
Verbally, mentally, and silently vocalizing the numerous, duplicitous details of our waking lives.
The mind never stops. Never shuts up.
And as much as I’d like it to, I can’t make it
As long as the body goes,
the mind reveals,
it revels, in the subconscious awareness of our obliviousness.
Is anything a surprise...
Or, do we always know?
But then again, what exactly is “knowing”?
When with one word, one action, one choice…
It can all be so different.
New. Changed. Non-existent.
And once again, we are left in the Unknown…(1 step forward – 2 steps backwards).
All the while, wandering ….wondering
Constantly searching for answers…
Seeking relief from the never ending “what ifs”,
the heart-piercing, perpetual mental lists of “I should haves…”
There was a time when I questioned it all….
Repeatedly. Tortuously…to no avail it seemed
Until I somehow managed to create a world….
Founded on doubt, confusion, unfamiliarity, and F E A R.
It all began in my head. Simple enough..
That’s where it all begins, right?
This world throws all types of things at us to distract us…
To deceive us, to desensitize and dehumanize us.
To slowly, but surely, annihilate any bit of the God-given life that was once inside of us…
the original covenant of everlasting life, knowledge, and the desires of our heart.
It’s whatever is your particular fancy of ammunition…
You see, that’s the thing…
They let us choose.
….So we think..
Some call it Free Will, some call it Destiny…
or some simply call it, “Living Life”
They tell us we NEED this and we need to look like THAT.
So there we go, on a blind, circuitous pursuit to become something that never existed…
Til we are so completely absorbed in this twisted, delusional mirage of Life
… til it’s as if we, ourselves, never existed.
And the crazy thing is… some people never WAKE UP.
Yes, I said wake up.
As in realize that NONE of this is real.
Yet, it is merely the fictitious illustrations of the repetitious reels of our corrupted minds….
Our perverse and evil hearts.
which are both constantly evolving…steadily revolving.
Tainted by the high and forever-rising demands of this world…
and even family…
Little do we know, we are everyday loading the gun of “self-hatred”
….Filling it with little shiny bullets disguised as likes…views...followers.
Lighting the match and igniting the deadly and all consuming flames of “pride, bigotry, and greed”
Mine, mine, mine….
Destroying anything, or anybody, that tries to extinguish and destroy…
Holding, polishing, and aiming the two-edged knife of “insecurity, disloyalty, and ulterior motives.
Piercing the side of those we love.
When will this battle end?
When will the power of love, overcome the love of power?
They say that then we will know peace…
But to have peace, we have to have calamity…agitation…war.
Oh, the beauty of contradictions…
So far apart on the spectrum of life
Yet so strikingly similar.
Ying and Yang.
It’s a matter of life and death…
The absence of one creates the presence of the other.
and, the presence of the other, exemplifies the absence of the one.
And we know this…
Yet, we still choose to be destructive.
Why is it so much easier, seemingly, to do wrong than right?
Will the world ever know…?
So, with this paradoxical world we live in, how do we find stability?
Some find solace in drugs…
Some in love…
However, some find religion.
No scratch that – A RELATIONSHIP
…with a higher power …
One who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent.
One who can guide our footsteps,
Eliminate all of the outside deceiving thoughts of “what if…” and “why’s”
“trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…”
That’s what the Word says, right?
…one who can give us stability of our mind and the desires of our heart.
Jeremiah 33:3 says, “call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things you do not know”
Sounds too good to be true, huh?
But so does, relief and recovery sold to you in a pill bottle from an institution set up to control…
The populations and masses…
The circulation of currency.
The separation of powers.
So, at the end of the day….it’s up to you whether or not you continue sleeping..
Continue living this deceptive life created and composed by Those People..
Or you can choose to believe…
To have faith in something, someone….
Whatever it may be…
But, the choice is on you.
…or is it?
"The waves are coming in"
By an ocean they both sat
"Would you finally care to join me?"
He said with a redundant, doubting smile
She looked at him from the place she sat
She peered at him from the place she sat
"Only because I wish to speak to you"
And with that she got up, and went over to him
Oh god did he shake when she sat next to him
Quivering and fearing the light from the sun leaving
He looked at the symbols around and almost gave in
When all of a sudden she made everything change...
"Look the waves are coming in"
She said with a genuine smile
"Care to join me?"
And she laughed
Suddenly he realized this was no punishment
But the very mood was set for them
The rolling waves, the darkening sun, and the tide closing in...
Talking for awhile he found himself slowly melt
Into a pool of happiness and joy
And in turn she matched his body
And together they crept to join
But soon the sun got dark
While sitting on that beach
And the tide was finally closing in
He gripped her hand and asked if she would stay
"I already answered that haven't I?"
And then the water washed over
Warm and inviting they were pulled in
Their embrace only emerging stronger
You know that moment that most classify as your heart "dropping"?
When someone tells you something or you start thinking too hard
And suddenly you can feel your chest just stop?
Someone's holding your heartstrings so tight that they stop vibrating.
They stop making the music you've grown comfortable with
And make it start throbbing and makes your knees weak.
For me, and many people, it gets really bad sometimes.
Sometimes it gets so bad that you can't breathe quite right.
Like when your fiance tells you how worthless you are when you thought things were just looking up.
Like when your mother tells you the news that he left you with nothing but your anxiety attacks in the middle of the night.
sometimes you can't help but wonder why.
I know I wasn't perfect but I did everything I possibly could.
So when you hear the news he's going to be a father your world stopped and your heartstrings try to sing but
Because as he walked out he dragged them behind him
As if holding you there forever is such a possibility.
As if you'd follow him forever.
With your back breaking and knees clanking and palms sweating
You'd stay there just for him.
You'd deal with your anxiety attacks.
Youd try to no avail to silence the voices that have done nothing but break you down bit by bit.
You know that moment when your heart drops and you can feel your heartbeat in your toes?
As if that's where your heart has lived your whole life?
As if stepping on the veins that circulate every blood plaitlet in your body didn't hurt as everyone stepped on it.
As you stepped on
Because darling one of these days you're gonna take a wrong step and crush your own goddamn heart.
So pick it up.
Pick your heart up from the soles of your feet.
Place it back inside that cage you call a chest and just keep trucking like you always
Because time does in fact heal all wounds but
God you wouldn't know that because you don't stop dwelling on the subject to let Father Time do his work.
Pick up your sharp edges and twisted senses.
Pick up the pieces of your broken mirrors and safety nets.
Baby it's time you learned how to fly and stop loving your life underneath the surface.
Pick it up.
Spread your wings.
Fly on the songs of your heartstrings
And never let
Your nightmares turn to reality
This is a verse for the grey nomad,
An archetypal older lad,
What? Bored with watching TV?
Why can't you travel without her or me?
So, you wish to travel, "Off the beaten track!"?
Camping, "Back to the basics!" Alas, alack!
Are you camping alone tonight?
Sooky! Older ladies have seen the light,
Indoor plumbing is all the go,
We wave rolling stones, "Bye!" no woe......
The rolling waters the dripping sea
Of all the places I wish for you with me
Miles away winding hills beside
If only you'd come along for the ride
My toes submerged into sand
At times I hope I can avoid being so bland
A bird dives into the water
If only I could go just a bit further
A towel lay spread across the ground
How I wish I could share the relaxation i've found
The rolling waters the dripping sea
Over everything i've found content in you with out me
Gwar'th, a scranny peasent boy
Frequented the tavern to hear the local bard play
Enthralled by stories of shipwrecks, cataclysms, Corpses rising from their graves.
He begged the bard over and over.
"Please! take me on your next adventure?"
Gwar'th locked eyes with the bard
Gave him every bit of attention.
The bard always declined,
"it's too dangerous for a child." He said,
"But I'll sing you a song.
The tale of the Red Metal Lute."
The sky was black
You couldn't see but walls of rain
you couldn't hear a damned thing.
Not even each other speak
Until A loud wail rose from the sea
shattered every window and bottle on board.
In the distance, a figure
unwaivered by the storm.
A ghostly figure,
with a red metal lute
Seemed to fly,
Loom on the rain.
the figure plucked a single string
wailing screams from years of forgotten dead
some sailors on board went mad
The woman and children ran inside.
The captain headed out the cabin.
Grabbed his lute from off the wall
Walked right up to the ghostly demon
Challenged him to a duel.
"I win, you lure me the biggest fish
inside this ghostly sea
Once we haul it back to shore,
you let my sailers leave."
The ghostly demon preached back in wail
"My spoils claim each drop of blood
left upon your ship,
you'll join all the eternal tongues
wailing from my instrument."
They played their lutes so hard that storms whipped bruised wailed and brown
Lighting struck, fire popped and squeltched under the heavy rain.
Not a soul on board could hear the music, for they all deaf from the banshees wail.
But one small float snuck cloaked in shadows from the duel above the sails.
It had a mother and a brother
a baby in the mothers arms.
They made mostly to shore.
The oceans trials took all the family, but I, the baby,
I don't know who won, the Captain, the Demon.
But I know one thing is true.
The power that lies within' an instrument
is more then anybody knew.
One foggy night in Deastbhillow
Long after the tavern closed
The bard was packing for a 'venture
loading up the partys caravan to head out of town
Gwar'th snuck on behind the treasure chests.
It stopped in front of a cavern
Five adventurers stepped off
A knight, a priest, a bard, a Clairvoyant
And In the shadows,
Down in the belly of the cave
Past the bones and the torches
there was a red glowing from the end
THE RED METAL LUTE
Gwar'th, excited, lunged from the shadows
Alerting the party.
The knight drew his weapon
The bard struck a chord
The priest prayed
And The Clairvoyant read the boys mind.
Together They killed the boy in cold blood.
"What did it look like to you?" Said the Preist
to the knight who slaughtered the boy.
"A beautiful woman.
What did it look like to you?" The knight asked the priest.
"What did it look like to the boy?" The bard asked.
"An instrument," said the Clairvoyant, "A powerful instrument.
What did it look like to you?"
The bard looked down.
She drove, I rolled,
Some meaningful conversations, on an empty road.
We smoked, we roamed about,
Two souls at the nucleus, of a cloud of crowd.
We had some munchies, and drank some fizz
Shared food for intimacy, no hugs no kiss.
It was not a date, we had both mutually decided...
And maybe that's why we never said hi,
Or bid each other goodbye.
When the waves have washed me here,
I'd be a fool to look another way,
sturdy sturdy , doesn't it feel strange.
They say it's chaos out here at the moment.
I've dug these roots and cultivated their tender tendrils.
this is my song
this is my voice
I know this now.
For the love of myself,
Is the focal point now,
spin - turn - it's not yet happened
states of misunderstanding
foraging in the silence for our understanding
for the decisions that would make things easier
but I'm turning over now
rolling with this wave
a fool I may be but an anchor I do have
and i've come to be -
serene meditational gaze
life is unraveling in the way life kows best-
my heart bumps